audiojunky Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 I just wanted some opinions about this. My GF has a friend, who is a guy, who lives close to her but way too far to drive home for the night. We had a huge fight over this once. This guy who she has known for many years she says is just a friend, and that she is not interested in him but that they have a lot in common regarding some very personal issues. The first time we argued about this was when he was going to stay in a hotel room with her for a night. I was really pissed about it because she told me that I couldn't stay with them when he was there and that she just wanted time with her friend to talk. (we were on a trip and I was staying at my parent's hosue) I argued that the friend could get his own room and they could talk at a bar or other type of social place. She refused to tell him that and became very stubborn about choosing one of my options - and I gave her many that I would be comfortable with but she told me that I didn't trust her - that I was controlling her - and it finally came down to me breaking up with her that evening because it made me feel so uncomfortable. As soon as I did that she told me that she had been abused when she was younger and this person had similar personal experiences - and that she has spent so much time recovering her friends which her last boyfriend deprived her of and that they were very important to her. Finding out this information really put me in a weird place because I do really care about her, and I do trust her, enough to know that she would never do anything. I didn't know this information until this point, so I completely reversed my decision seeing how torn up she was over it. Anyways - I have a feeling the same situation could come up again in the future. Most likely in the future this person would stay at her place because she no longer needs a hotel room where she is. Regardless of her personal connection to the person I really feel horrible at the thought of another guy sleeping in her bed with her no matter how harmless it is. I know that if it came up again that she would be ultra protective of me telling her to have him get a hotel or sleep on the couch. The problem is that I trust her and know she won't do anything, but I still have this horrible feeling about her letting a good friend sleep on the same mattress because I question - What the hell is wrong with a guy who feels the need to do this with a girl who has a boyfriend? She always tells me how harmless and ridiculous he is but I honestly don't trust him... and even if I did he should have some sense to use the floor. What would be your response given my situation and the fact that you feel that it is not worth breaking up over.... ? I want her to know that I am really not happy with it but I don't know how to send messages to someone expressing displeasure without threatening aa massive consequence.
The Analyzer Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 Hi, I understand she has a friend that shares some things she went through. However, him sleeping in the same bed with her, is totally unacceptable. You are her b/f not him. Not only that, but does she not feel close enough to you to let you in on what happened to her as a child? I'm sure thats a hard subject for her to discuss and I understand her friend already knew about it. Just because they talk doesn't mean they need to share a bed. I'm not saying anything is going for sure with them, but I would really keep and eye on that. You also stated that you trusted her enough to know she wouldn't never do anything, heres my belief on that, I think ANYBODY, can do ANYTHING at ANYTIME. If she had any respect for you as well, she would listen to what you're saying and be understanding of how you feel about it. It's not like you have told her to get rid of her friend. I think I would let her know again how you feel. If this upsets her or shes not willing to listen, I think you need to ask yourself is this how you want this relationship to be. Take care, and best of luck.
Samantha16 Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 It really sucks that that happend to her when she was younger, and it's really great that she has a close friend that she can connect with. Good for her. She should be able to cuddle with him every single night. Forget the floor!! They should be connected spiritually and physically. I mean, what's the problem here? What a great girlfriend she is, you have no right to be mad whatsoever. Just except it and get over it. And if you and this guy sleep at her house at the same time, you should be considerate and sleep on the floor--let him stay in the bed with her. It common curtosy!!!!! And make sure they don't forget to spoon during the night. Of course I'm joking. Sorry, I got out of hand. She can be friends with her but her behavior is unexeptable. Don't let her make you feel guilty when she brings up events from her past. That gives her no right to disrespect you. This is disgusting behavior. when you get into a relationship, there are things you must not do, in order to show respect to your gf/bf. If that were my boyfriend doing that, regardless of how HARMLESS it is, I don't give a sh*t. If there's someone besides me in your bed, I'm out of here. Lets see how far she gets in other relationships with this kind of attitude. She's got a lot to learn about basic respect. Let her grow up a little. Wait until she's potty trained and out of diapers!! Sorry, I'm being so harsh, I'm sure she's a lovely girl.
Pyrannaste Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 What would be your response given my situation and the fact that you feel that it is not worth breaking up over.... ? I want her to know that I am really not happy with it but I don't know how to send messages to someone expressing displeasure without threatening aa massive consequence. It is difficult for me to give you advice because to me it *would* be something worth breaking up over. I can very well understand how you forgave her the other time after getting to know about her bad experience(being abused) she and her friend have in common. Yet, her behaviour towards you was really bad the other time, even with such a background. I hope she has now realized that such a behaviour is totally out of line. If she hasn't, she should really understand it. Do not be afraid of telling her, even a thousand times if necessary, that you are not happy with her sharing a bed with a male friend. Tell her you *believe* her when she says she is not romantically interested in him, but that the idea of her acting that way would really hurt you. Make it clear that it is not that you don't trust her, that you believe it would be innocent sharing of a bed, but that , yet, you'd feel horrible. Perhaps that guy is really only a friend, but even if she has no interest whatsoever in him, she should respect your feelings. I have a couple of male friends I am NOT interested in, and whom I'd share a bed with, but I'd never do it because while I know it would be an innocent thing on my part, my bf could not know for sure. And he surely would not be confortable with it. And this other guy is either an idiot or he would not care breaking you and your girlfriend up. I'd never, ever share a bed-or even a room-with a male if I had not his girlfriend's permission.
Author audiojunky Posted June 4, 2004 Author Posted June 4, 2004 well, she said that her friend is coming to visit her possibly this weekend. I asked her, "and he is staying with you?" She said yes. I also asked her, "Is he going to be sleeping in your bed?" She said, "I'm not sure." I then said, "Don't be ridiculous now." She then said, "There is nothing to worry about. I can't believe that you are upset over this." I said, "Well, it doesn't make me feel good and it is not a trust issue. It is just weird." She responded by asking, "What if it were so-and-so? (a different guy friend I know) ... and I still said, "I'm just not comfortable with a guy sharing a bed with you." (Now here is the twist. She is bi. I am straight) She says this, "What if it were this person?" (A girl) This is where it gets confusing for me.. because I feel way less horrible about a girl friend sharing a bed than her guy friend... She keeps giving me examples of friends of hers that I know... and I DON'T know this guy. Maybe a couple of her good close friends that I have met who are girls I can understand them hanging out and one of them staying over to save some $... but this one just bugs me. She is going to give me every example in the book later. She's gonna be really pissed at me because I feel like this. she just moved to a new city from where I am (I will be there soon) and she is going to tell me how horrible I am for making her have her friend sleep on the floor when she doesn't have any friends there and she is really stressed out. Maybe the floor won't be big enough for him because her new room is so small. She is going to make me out to be an a**h***. She told me to call her girl friend and ask her about this guy so that I might cave in and be ok with it. She tells me that I just have to meet him... well she had the opportunity to introduce him to me last time he shared a room with her and said that I couldn't be around during that time. It kind of enrages me... I just gave notice at my job .. I am changing my life, moving, and a good part of this was because I am in love with her. I'm not telling her to not have her friend come. I am hoping that she has learned about how mad I got last time that i think this is unacceptable. She has a tendency to just want to win arguments regardless. Maybe it is time for her to give me the guy's # and let me tell him how mad about it that I am. If he doesn't visit her because he has to sleep on the floor then it will show how good a friend he really is. Maybe she should tell him how mad I am about it and if he doesn't respect that I will send him a nasty letter. Maybe she should ask someone besides her closest friend how they would feel on the subject. I would never EVER have a girl share a bed with me. I don't care if she is a good friend or not. How am I supposed to handle this... threaten to cut it off if she does it? She might get mad at me for feeling like this... if she does I think that I need to hang up or not talk to her because that is disrespectful in itself. She doesn't handle issues where she feels that she is being controlled well at all... and I'm not trying to control I just want her to take me into consideration.
Author audiojunky Posted June 4, 2004 Author Posted June 4, 2004 she is going to threaten to move home probably from the place she just moved into because she is so unhappy there so far and try to make me feel guilty.. I know it.
amerikajin Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 Trust your instincts on this one, Audiojunky. You feel uneasy and you have every right to feel that way. If she has issues about her abuse as a child she needs to be treated by a therapist, not a "friend" who shares a bed with her. People who are abused often need a lot of therapy to deal with the baggage they have. I can understand why she never told you, because she probably felt that as her lover, that was something that could change the way you feel about her. Maybe she feels that this is the one person with whom she can really reach out to and connect with about this horrible experience in her life. However, the reality is that this is not the appropriate way to handle it. This is not the appropriate way to handle a romantic relationship. She needs to see a therapist so that she can get some clarity. If she can't do that, then you need to be strong enough to give her some space until she changes. Unfortunately, you've learned the hard way (just as I did) about gambling too much on a relationship. A word to the wise to anyone reading: don't quit your job and change your lifestyle until you see proof that the other person is willing to make sacrifices of his/her own.
Author audiojunky Posted June 4, 2004 Author Posted June 4, 2004 I've thought it over way too much. I've come to the simple conclusion that she needs to buy an air mattress and have him use that. If that is a problem, then the relationship is a problem. If this guy has a problem using the air mattress then he should not even be crashing on the floor. In fact, not just this guy needs to sleep on the air mattress... all of her friends do. The air mattress can be quite fun and comfortable when visiting the ol friend's place. I'm not putting up with her telling me that I can't stay over with her when I move because some other friend of her's is sleeping in her bed. You are right too. Why does she need him to comfort her on this issue? She just left therapy, and I think it is time for her to go back if she can't make this simple adjustment.
krbshappy71 Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 An air mattress? That cracks me up, you are kidding right? So what, she buys an air mattress and says to you "yes dear he slept on the air mattress" and you would believe that and things would just be okey-dokey? Not to encourage distrust, but if you are already suspicious then you surely know that they can just TELL you he is using that mattress and really be in her bed, right? to me this is a situation of respect and she is CLEARLY not respecting your comfort level and CLEARLY telling you that her needs and wants come before yours. Try this, imagine your best friend telling you his chick is sleeping with some guy and what does your gut tell you? Now pretend this guy tells you "no really its okay he is sleeping on an air mattress, she said so." Okay enough ranting at you, please get out of this and find someone who will respect your feelings. You are not being controlling in this situation, you are asking for a bit of common-sense respect that this man not sleep in your chicks bed/house. And its your very own chick who is arguing with you about it. Surely you see how wrong this is? So, pal, when are you inviting chicks to sleep with YOU? I'm sure she wont mind, right?? After all, its "just a friend".
amerikajin Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 to me this is a situation of respect and she is CLEARLY not respecting your comfort level and CLEARLY telling you that her needs and wants come before yours. I agree. Moreover, he's not even respecting his own comfort level. Never compromise on your principles. There are certain things that lovers shouldn't share with other people - a bedroom is one of them.
Pyrannaste Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 I agree with krbshappy71 and amerikajin.ù It would be different buying two air mattresses and staying over too, sleeping on the mattresses next to your gf while he's on the bed. Moreover, your girlfriend should *not* be giving you exemples. If you wouldn't genuinely be upset with the friends she mentioned sharing a bed with her, then she can share a bed with them. NOT with this guy. It is extremely disrespectuful of her to insist giving you stupid exemples and trying to persuade you. she is going to tell me how horrible I am for making her have her friend sleep on the floor when she doesn't have any friends there and she is really stressed out. if so, she'd be blackmailing you and trying to send you on a guilt trip. It is YOU who has the right to be upset, NOT her. Besides if you don't want your guests to sleep on the floor, you sleep on the floor and have them use your bed. simple as that. Please don't allow her to have this guy set his foot in her house. The way she is acting is pretty suspicious. They could meet during the day, possibly in your presence. she does not even want you to meet him, and nobody can grant that she is not feeding you bullsh*t about this guy. Your girlfriend is acting in a selfish, disrespecting way. I'd be mad and I'd probably break up over this if I were you. best of luck to you.
UCFKevin Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 Something's way rotten in Denmark. I never trust guy friends. ESPECIALLY a guy friend who spends the night.
DerangedAngel Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 I was once in a similar situation with one of my boyfriends. He had a really close female friend that lived out of town. Whenever she would come to visit him (and other friends in the area) he offered to let her crash at his place. In the guest bedroom. Uh huh. At first, I was extremely pissed, but he let me meet her a few times, and offered to let me stay there, too, whenever she would be in town. I refused (dumb, I know), because I really thought she was a sweet girl and I trusted him - so I didn't want to be in the way. Anyway, they invited me out to dinner with them one time while she was in town so I met them at his place. While he was getting ready, I stepped into his room to get a couple of CD's that I had let him borrow, and next to his bed I saw a (her) thong and a used condom. Not very sneaky, eh? Maybe he wanted to get caught. I completely went off. I didn't even let my mind sort through other (unlikely) possibilities. He admitted to sleeping with her... every time she had been in town. We broke up that night. Anyway, my point is, even if your girlfriend isn't sleeping with/doing anything inappropriate this guy, he's not much of a friend to be doing something that would put so much stress on her relationship. He totally knows what he's doing, I'd bet. And she isn't much of a girlfriend to ignore your concerns, and to make you feel like you're being "ridiculous". I think you need to tell her either he gets a motel room, or he stays at her place and you're out of the picture. If you even want to be with her after she's shown such disrespect. Good luck. -Deranged
Author audiojunky Posted June 5, 2004 Author Posted June 5, 2004 The discussion was had. She told the guy not to come visit her. We discussed it and talked about the issue. I told her if any guy is ever in her bed, that that would be it for us.
UCFKevin Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 VERY well done. Any girl who would have a problem with you having a problem with that is not a girl worth being with.
krbshappy71 Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 Good deal, audiojunky. Hopefully she wont try this again. If she does, be done. Move on.
average guy Posted June 6, 2004 Posted June 6, 2004 Is this the same girlfriend that was doing something else weird a while ago like emailing all her friends that she was single, or something like that?
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