tripledubs Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 my girlfriend and i have been dating for a year. we're both 19. she knows how i feel about smoking, and that i think it is a complete turn off and that i dont want to date someone that does it. it makes me uncomfortable, because i dont smoke and dont want to. she had told me she tried smoking twice before, years ago. but she quit. i was okay with this, and accepted that. today she asked me if i would get mad if she smoked. i kept asking why she was asking me, and told her she knew how i felt about it. i told her i would get mad. and then she asked even if it was just a cigarette? and i said yes. so then i asked her why she was asking again. she kept avoiding the question. i asked her when the last time she smoked was, and she said "i dont know". eventually i got pissed and hung up on her. she called back and told me she had bought a pack a week ago and smoked 2 cigarettes out of it because she wanted to. i dont know what to do. i feel so uncomfortable right know. i saw her everyday since she had smoked, and she never told me and hid it from me. then she lied about it.. and she knows how i feel about it. ive never been in this situation and i dont know what to do. i cant stop picturing her buying the pack, and smoking the cigarettes. it hurts a lot. she said shed stop for me, but i dont know if i can believe her. what do i do?
carhill Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 what do i do? If this is an irreconcilable boundary for you, stop dating her. 'Years ago' when one is 19? OK.
bean1 Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 Well, I think the reason she lied was obvious- IMO hanging up on her is a complete overreaction and counterproductive to a constructive talk with a significant other. I sort of chuckled at this post a little because it completely reminds me of an identical fight I had at 19 too! Only I was "you" and instead of cigarettes it was drinking. I hated drinking with a passion (alcoholic father) and completely overreacted to any drinking experimentation by my then-19 year old boyfriend. The truth is, looking back, that we were young, nobody wants to feel policed in that sense, and to be honest, she has the right to try it. I think it's a mountain out of a mole hill now. Back then, completely furious. I'm not saying you are wrong for not wanting her to smoke - but at the same time, she is obviously afraid to be honest with you about some of her wants because you will blow up and hang up on her. Maybe neither of you are really ready for a real relationship yet. She doesn't want to follow your "rules" and you aren't ready to deal with this in a mature manner either.
FitChick Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 Deal breaker for me. Plenty of people lie about being smokers, which I don't understand as their addiction will make itself known sooner or later. Smokers should date each other.
ditzchic Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 I think you're overreacting about her smoking... But if it's a dealbreaker for you that's your thing. I think it's a little extreme though for someone you've been dating for a year. It's one thing to not start dating a smoker but if you have feelings for her, you'd think you'd be a little bendy. You're not overreacting about the lying though. There is no reason to lie to your partner ever.
slownumbers81 Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 Honestly, I may have a different opinion on this than others, but it sounds like you may be a bit controlling Here's the thing. You want her to quit smoking because you don't want to date someone who smokes. You say "she said shed stop for me." There's a problem with that because someone has to stop doing something because they decide within themselves that it is the right thing to do and they want to, for THEMSELVES, not for someone else. You have to realize in relationships that you can't change the other person. You have to either accept her as she is - someone who may enjoy smoking every now and again OR break up with her because you want to date someone else who doesn't smoke. That is your decision, but you can't impose change on someone else. You can only change yourself. Finally, in this case perhaps she lied (or omitted the truth) because she was a bit scared of your reaction.
Star Gazer Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 Honestly, I may have a different opinion on this than others, but it sounds like you may be a bit controlling Here's the thing. You want her to quit smoking because you don't want to date someone who smokes. You say "she said shed stop for me." There's a problem with that because someone has to stop doing something because they decide within themselves that it is the right thing to do and they want to, for THEMSELVES, not for someone else. You have to realize in relationships that you can't change the other person. You have to either accept her as she is - someone who may enjoy smoking every now and again OR break up with her because you want to date someone else who doesn't smoke. That is your decision, but you can't impose change on someone else. You can only change yourself. Finally, in this case perhaps she lied (or omitted the truth) because she was a bit scared of your reaction. I totally agree with this. I also posted this in your other/identical thread: I don't like dating guys who eat junk food, and I make it clear from the get-go that living a healthy lifestyle is important to me. But I can't imagine getting as upset as you are if a guy I was dating had some In 'n Out and didn't tell me and I found the bag/wrapper in his car. If he wants to eat healthy, that's HIS choice. It's selfish of me to expect him to be the way I want. Also, while I hate smoking too, she didn't exactly do it to spite you or hurt you or other you, and she didn't tell you about it because she knew how you'd react.
Eddie Edirol Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 I hope that this isnt a slippery slope to her smoking full time, like in front of you. If you dont want to kiss a smoker, which I understand because I think its gross, then you have to tell her straight up that if you dont think the relationship will work out if she WANTS to smoke full time. If she fell off the wagon, its one thing, but if she really wants to go back to smoking, or if she's been smoking this whole time and never intended to stop, then its another. Find out what her intentions are. If she bought a pack because shes stressed, then find out why shes stressed.
Author tripledubs Posted January 16, 2012 Author Posted January 16, 2012 i guess what hurts the most is that she couldnt tell me. but i can understand why she didnt at first. it just hurts to picture my girl doing that to herself. its just a turn off i guess. but i think i need to grow up and deal with it. she said she's going to not do it, but if she ever wants to again she'll tell me. i want to be able to talk it out like adults. i shouldnt overreact.
carhill Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Beware of trickle-truth. It's not uncommon. Tidbit of advice from someone probably older than your father.
spiderowl Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 (edited) Why did she tell you? Could be several reasons: - she smoked a couple of cigarettes, wouldn't do it again but felt guilty and then had to relieve her conscience by telling you; - she smoked a couple of cigarettes and wants more. She knows you won't be happy so was 'feeling you out' to see if you might bend on this issue; - she's been smoking a while and is hooked and daren't tell you, but she decided she had to start breaking the truth to you, bit by bit ... What do you do? Well, it's obviously up to you. But, she lied. It sounds like she is at risk of falling back into smoking if she hasn't already. Do you want to spend your time with someone who is constantly trying to quit but never managing it? Does she want to quit or is it only you who wants that? It has to come from her. Is it controlling not to want your partner to smoke? I don't think so. It is controlling if you try to make her stop against her wishes. If she want to smoke and you don't want her to, talk to her, find out what her intentions are and then, if she wants to continue smoking, leave her. Your needs matter too. There is no point battling an addiction, especially when the addict doesn't intend to. It's a slippery slope to more mistrust and anger. Edited January 16, 2012 by spiderowl
Shaun-Dro Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 my girlfriend and i have been dating for a year. we're both 19. she knows how i feel about smoking, and that i think it is a complete turn off and that i dont want to date someone that does it. it makes me uncomfortable, because i dont smoke and dont want to. she had told me she tried smoking twice before, years ago. but she quit. i was okay with this, and accepted that. today she asked me if i would get mad if she smoked. i kept asking why she was asking me, and told her she knew how i felt about it. i told her i would get mad. and then she asked even if it was just a cigarette? and i said yes. so then i asked her why she was asking again. she kept avoiding the question. i asked her when the last time she smoked was, and she said "i dont know". eventually i got pissed and hung up on her. she called back and told me she had bought a pack a week ago and smoked 2 cigarettes out of it because she wanted to. i dont know what to do. i feel so uncomfortable right know. i saw her everyday since she had smoked, and she never told me and hid it from me. then she lied about it.. and she knows how i feel about it. ive never been in this situation and i dont know what to do. i cant stop picturing her buying the pack, and smoking the cigarettes. it hurts a lot. she said shed stop for me, but i dont know if i can believe her. what do i do? A woman lied to me about knowing how to cook. I got rid of her. A lie is a lie no matter what it is, so don't let someone get away with it.
mortensorchid Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 She managed to hide this from you for an ENTIRE YEAR that she smoked?! That's really odd. How much time have / haven't you spent together? Because I would think you would somehow notice this, even if she never once did it in front of you, eventually you would smell it on her clothes or her breath or something. I have quit myself after nearly 20 years, and I can tell you that it is the hardest thing one can do. Maybe she was struggling with it, saying to others "I'll quit when ___", or "I only have a few", etc. The bottom line is that one quits when it's time, and today is the day that it's time for me. For her? Another story. As to your situation, all joking or observations aside, I would say dump her because she hid something from you. You don't know what else she's hiding.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Honestly at 19 years old it doesn't really matter, you likely are just being overprotecting and controlling, probably out of fear or insecurity, she's young and she can afford to smoke a little if she wanted to. But yes it is not the best thing that she lied to you, but at your age it's about gaining knowledge and experience on how to handle difficulties in relationships, so for you this is a good learning experience and will help you grow as a guy. Whatever you do just try not to over react, just take it easy at this age and try to enjoy life, none of the **** that is happening now is going to matter down the road.
TheFinalWord Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Adolescence is a age where people try different things. If it annoys you I would tell her, but also don't try to tell her what to do or get angry at her decisions. It's okay to have your boundaries though. Just tell her if she continues to smoke and it becomes a habit you won't be able to stay with her. To me the smell of smoke makes me nauseous so I could not physically date a smoker. Everyone lies, but in a relationship if someone is lying it's because they are afraid of how the other person will react. If someone feels a need to lie to their SO its a clear sign communication isn't good between the two. That's usually not healthy for a LT relationship. This lie was mainly b/c she knew you would react in a hostile manner (and you proved her right ). If you want to have a healthy relationship you want it to support open communication. This will help with less lying and being able to grow closer. Good luck
Tayla Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 A woman lied to me about knowing how to cook. I got rid of her. A lie is a lie no matter what it is, so don't let someone get away with it. I totally agree, I met some guys who pretended to be gentlemen only to find out they were control freaks with demeaning mentalities, like thinking a woman had to "cook" to be in a relationship Good thing the world doesn't spin based on that logic . To the OP- I get the irratation of someone having a "poor health" habit, yet it can be negotiated til they are ready to quit. My previous boyfriend always knew to have gum on hand to eleviate the odor...otherwise it was his body and his choice.
carhill Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 This is one of those cases where reading the backstory helps. The lady in question has a history of physical and sexual abuse, a drinking problem and an apparently bi-polar exBF with whom the OP shared her with for some time. Sounds remarkably like someone I mistakenly fell in love with in my youth. Equally remarkably, she also hid (she admitted about 20 years later) her smoking habit from me as well. If that had been the most heinous of her lies, I would have gotten off easy. It was not. OP, I'll say this as nicely as I know how. You and she have different paths in life. That's it.
FitChick Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 The difference between smoking and eating junk food, for example, is that everyone in the vicinity of the smoker is affected, while food only affects the diner. I dated someone who said he only had "one or two" after a meal. It turned out to be one or two packs and we were constantly surrounded by a blue haze. He still says he is a nonsmoker on his dating profile.
Author tripledubs Posted January 16, 2012 Author Posted January 16, 2012 to carhill; i have to say your responses have been the most helpful. i really appreciate that youve looked at my previous posts and analyzed my relationship with this girl. and i have to accept the fact that she isnt meant for me. she has her problems that she needs to figure out, and shell probably be happier without me whether she realizes it or not. i just need to figure out how to end things, and also mature as a man in life. thank you everybody else for the input and help.
azsinglegal Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 The funniest part of this whole post is that he's mad that she smoked 2 cigs and lied about it. Being an ex-smoker, I can guarantee you with 100% certainty she smoked more then 2 cigs in 2 weeks. Probably 2 packs. Funny part too - is how do you NOT notice? Smoking smells, makes your breath smell, hair, everything...he knew and was ignoring it. Cracks me up you exploding over smoking. It's her life, not yours. If you don't want to date a smoker - then end it. No need to jump her about it. She's old enough to make her own decisions. Relationships are about acceptance. Either accept her smoking or bail. Your choice. (Yes, it's actually THAT black and white)
FitChick Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Even if all that smoke were good for my health, I still wouldn't like it. It stinks!
azsinglegal Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Even if all that smoke were good for my health, I still wouldn't like it. It stinks! That's because you've never smoked. I miss it. I knew it smelled and I loved it. I knew I stank, but I didn't care. I couldn't wait to light that cigarette up and take a long drag...then exhale...ahhhh. But alas...it has made my skin wrinkly, old, aged spotted and has not been good to me, so I said good bye to my old friend.
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 OP, I do not think you're being controlling. You didn't force her not to smoke. So, how can you be controlling? Smoking is an inconvenient habit. Pros of smoking: --That brief 5-10 minute feeling of relief. Cons of smoking: --Always smelling like my habit. --So many people hated like my habit. --Other smokers always asking me for a spare cigarette (buy you're own!) --It affected my voice and laugh negatively (ever notice a lot of smokers wheeze instead of laugh?) --always having to have the cigarette and lighter/matches on me constanty. --the hassle of finding a place to smoke that didn't bother others. --trying to find a place to dispose of my cigarette when there wasn't an ashtray around (I don't like to litter) --leaving cigarette burns on my car, bed, clothes, etc. (I tended to accidentally burn myself way too much) --the nasty taste in my mouth when I smoked too many (waking up with the aftertaste of cigarettes is disgusting:sick:) --leaving the house without a lighter and having to waste time finding one some place else. --constantly losing/misplacing lighters, then buying a new one, only to find that lighter later on. --feeling like a panhandler when I walk up to strangers and ask them for a cigarette. And here's the biggest pro of smoking cigarettes: the high/feeling of relief you get is only around 5 minutes per cigarette. Frank Sinatra once said, "We feel sorry for the people who don't drink cuz when you wake up in the morning that's as good as you're gonna feel for the rest of the day." At least drinking makes you feel different for a long period of time. With smoking, you only get that 5 minute relief then, when it's over, you're the same slob you were before you lit up. OP, tell your GF about what I said. The pros for smoking weigh as much as a cottonball while the cons weigh as much as an 8-ball. If she weighs the pros and cons, she'll realize smoking is more of a hassle than a relief.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 i cant stop picturing her buying the pack, and smoking the cigarettes. This is the beginning of a fetish. You should probably go to confession and confess your sinful visions. (side note: Does it cost $8 or more in your visions ??)
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