Question

[chelsea2011]

Hi everyone. I think it is safe to post here now based on how things seem to be going. We are talking and there is a lot of give and take on both sides, but I have a question. I think it's important that we take it one step at a time and continue working on alleviating each other's "worries".

 

My question is, I am going out of town in a few weeks and I was wondering if it is too early to extend him an invitaton? First of all, it may be late notice and secondly, would it be too much pressure? I have more than enough to keep to me busy during this trip (education wise), but the schedule is flexible enough to for me to have him tag along. It would be fun. If I do invite him and he declines, that would be perfectly fine because I understand...completely. But, I also know that me going without him may produce some anxiety on his part and I want to reassure him there is no reason to feel that way. So, if I ask and he does decline, how can I make sure he knows that I will be thinking of him and only him? I am completely dedicated to working on our issues and have no interest in looking elsewhere; so how do I reassure him of that?

 

Thanks for reading! Any advice is most helpful!

 

PS - I will be busy this afternoon, so I won't be able to check back until later for the responses. Just wanted you all to know.

Edited January 15, 2012 by chelsea2011

[Exit]

You didn't really specify how long you have been back on speaking terms so we have no real indication if it's "too early" but I would stay on the side of caution and say it's not appropriate to do something like that together yet. There is no such thing as moving too slowly when trying to work through a reconciliation, but in my opinion there are many bad effects to moving too quickly.

 

I wouldn't outright extend an invitation, I would mention that you are going and see how he reacts to it. Don't worry about having to relieve any concerns of his until you see if he is even concerned. If it bothers him, you simply state that you felt maybe it was too soon to invite him along and tell him he has nothing to worry about. Trust may be fragile at this point in the process but it's kind of unavoidable. Just make it known that it would be a waste of your own time to be talking to him again if you had any intention of paying attention to someone else when you go out of town.

 

Just my opinion, but really at this point if you are back to trying to work things out, it's less about what people on the forums think and more about you two communicating and figuring out what is best. Just talk to him about it. Maybe he'll hint that he wants to tag along. Maybe he'll be totally fine with it. In reality it's not that bad to have a little bit of time apart and if it ends up being some huge blow to the reconciliation process then maybe things are too fragile anyway.

 

Good luck, don't fret about it, just sit down and talk it out together.

Edited January 16, 2012 by Exit

[chelsea2011]

Thank you Exit. This is great advice and I think I will just mention it and go from there. I definitely do not want to move too fast because I still have some anxiety. I just want to continue to see how things unfold and get to a more comfortable place before taking a step like that.

 

Thanks!

[ScienceGal]

Relationship anxiety is something that I have experienced, to varying degrees, many times before. The problem is, there is nothing that you can do to completely reassure him. Of course you can be conscious of behaviors and choices, but ultimately the insecurities will surface if they aren't dealt with head on. And they can surface in the most unexpected times, when nothing significant has even happened. Both of your "worries" will not be as burdensome as long as you two strengthen communication and build a foundation of trust and respect.

 

In my opinion, whether he goes with you on the trip or not makes little difference in the long term relationship. Personally, I would go alone. Do your own thing and be happy.

[chelsea2011]

Exit, to answer your question about how long; we've been slowly hashing things out for the past month and have had some major break throughs in the last week. It has been going very well and I am definitely pleased with our progress.

[chelsea2011]

Quick update about the trip. We talked and I let him know that I was going on this trip and said that he is absolutely welcome to come. I also assured him, that if he couldn't make it (knowing it was last minute), that he had absolutely nothing to worry about regarding me. He can contact me through-out the whole trip and he can even surprise me and show up if he wants to. I wouldn't mind that at all. As a matter of fact, I would love it because I really enjoy surprises!

 

Things have been going really well with us and I will not go back on my word, that's a promise. I'm dedicated to working on us even through the tough stuff if there is any. I am dlighted to because I see the positive impact it is having on the relationship and the both of us individually. We are both showing an incredible amount of emotional maturity and I have to say, it feels great. I let him know that he can talk to me without worrying about any reprecussions. I'm respecting my own personal boundaries too, so if I feel I need to address something with him, I will. And if I feel he is preceiving something wrong, I will stand up for myself and calming correct it in an adult manner. Just like he is doing with me.

 

I welcome working through anything that pops up along the way. When I gave him my word, it was the same as if I was giving it to my own family. My family means everything and I would never go back on anything with them and he has that very same promise from me. He can have complete faith in that.

 

My only worry was I didn't want him thinking that I viewed him in a negative light in any way based on our past issues. I'm not at all. I respect him for the man he is showing me that he is.

 

That's the update on this particular situation. It feels good to type it out.

 

Thanks for listening!

[chelsea2011]

Well, the trip was good and it turned out that there wasn't a moment to spare...lol. It was one continuous day of events and at the end of the day (at 1 am) all you want to do is pass out! It was fun though and now I know what to do for next year.

 

Turns out that he didn't really contact me much and I take that to mean he felt comfortable with me being away? I broke down a few of my own walls and initiated contact with him before I left, which is new for me. All I know is that it is important to me to feel comfortable enough to do that now. I hope he feels the same? It's hard to tell sometimes. So, I will just give it the benefit of the doubt and not jump to negative conclusions or make assumptions (assumptions killed us a few times :\). The main reason being is that I do not want to go back to old habits and feelings uncertainty in this relationship. We've made really good progress so far and I wouldn't want anything to happen to set that back in any way.

 

With that said, I am feeling a little anxious today and I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm tired? I dunno. I will just take it one step at a time and see how things go from here. I guess, if I really think about it, I feel anxious because I would hate to be put through something only to have things go back to the way they were. So, I will just see how things progress without trying to analyze it; that gets me no where and makes me feel anxious. No fun in that...right? I have lots to keep me busy this weekend in the meantime.

 

Not really looking for advice; just venting a bit. If he's on the same page, he will continue to take the steps to show me as I have been doing with him. It would be nice to see him continue to break down his own walls too. But, I also know that these things take time. If I feel something is not right I will just let him know like he does with me. No sense in letting myself get into a funk about anything.

 

Have a nice weekend all!

Edited January 28, 2012 by chelsea2011

[Frank13]

Quick update about the trip. We talked and I let him know that I was going on this trip and said that he is absolutely welcome to come. I also assured him, that if he couldn't make it (knowing it was last minute), that he had absolutely nothing to worry about regarding me. He can contact me through-out the whole trip and he can even surprise me and show up if he wants to. I wouldn't mind that at all. As a matter of fact, I would love it because I really enjoy surprises!

 

 

As suggested, you should have just mentioned the trip. Instead you not only pretty much told him to come, you put extra pressure by practically demanding he come saying you will be disappointed if he doesn't show up because you like surprises. Talk about a burden. Is it any wonder that he didn't contact you much during the trip?

 

I know you thought you were being generous in letting him know it was okay to come but as I guy, I saw it the way I explained above. Nothing is worse to me than being forced to go on a trip, especially with short notice.

[geegirl]

With that said, I am feeling a little anxious today and I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm tired? I dunno. I will just take it one step at a time and see how things go from here. I guess, if I really think about it, I feel anxious because I would hate to be put through something only to have things go back to the way they were. So, I will just see how things progress without trying to analyze it; that gets me no where and makes me feel anxious. No fun in that...right? I have lots to keep me busy this weekend in the meantime.

 

Not really looking for advice; just venting a bit. If he's on the same page, he will continue to take the steps to show me as I have been doing with him. It would be nice to see him continue to break down his own walls too. But, I also know that these things take time. If I feel something is not right I will just let him know like he does with me. No sense in letting myself get into a funk about anything.

 

Have a nice weekend all!

 

It's normal to have these feelings when trying to work on things the second time around. The expectations of wanting it to work versus the anxieties of not knowing if it will work. I believe the best you can do is work on communication, with the knowledge that both of you have the same approach on how you will be moving forward when it comes to being open and honest. Assumptions are a killer. I've experienced it first hand and nothing can be more detrimental than mind reading and running with it. If something needs communicating, communicate. Skirting will only magnify and fester, and that at some point it will evolve and erupt into other issues. Give yourselves time to rebuild this again. The pressure of wanting this to work will be there but you have all the time in the world and since you both are on the same page, there really is no rush to have it all set in stone.

 

There may be reasons for him not contacting you during your trip. When I am with someone, I tend to step away when they're vacationing as I do believe in giving space and respecting their time away. In addition, you both haven't quite established a secure enough connection to actually be yourselves with each other. There's that uncertainty and a feeling of caution still hanging around. You're back to your routine now and hopefully things can get back to normal between you two.

[chelsea2011]

It's normal to have these feelings when trying to work on things the second time around. The expectations of wanting it to work versus the anxieties of not knowing if it will work. I believe the best you can do is work on communication, with the knowledge that both of you have the same approach on how you will be moving forward when it comes to being open and honest. Assumptions are a killer. I've experienced it first hand and nothing can be more detrimental than mind reading and running with it. If something needs communicating, communicate. Skirting will only magnify and fester, and that at some point it will evolve and erupt into other issues. Give yourselves time to rebuild this again. The pressure of wanting this to work will be there but you have all the time in the world and since you both are on the same page, there really is no rush to have it all set in stone.

 

There may be reasons for him not contacting you during your trip. When I am with someone, I tend to step away when they're vacationing as I do believe in giving space and respecting their time away. In addition, you both haven't quite established a secure enough connection to actually be yourselves with each other. There's that uncertainty and a feeling of caution still hanging around. You're back to your routine now and hopefully things can get back to normal between you two.

 

Thank you geegirl. You give wonderful advice.

 

I've had some time and space to think and figured out why I was having anxiety. I was getting ahead of myself and allowed the worry to overload me and take away my perspective. So I'm feeling much better now and it's back to taking things one step at a time, not only for him but for myself as well.

 

Thanks again!