blugirl Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 (edited) Hello, I want to ask for advice cause I don't know what else to do... Now that I got a job (=enough $$$) and I'll finally be able to go on an internship near the place my SO is living in Aug/Sept, he sort of has cut out the amount of time he chats with me drastically. At the same time, he asks me to have a webcam chat once a month (how often?!?!?!...) cause he wants to see me but we haven't talked much since November, relying basically on emails and pics sent to each other, which is definitely too little for me. I want to chat on messenger as often as possible, even if it would be 15 mins daily but he says he doesnt have enough time and wont have for the rest of the year as well cause he wants to study. At the same time, when he writes an email it's always an affectionate one and also he made a real effort to surprise me during xmas with a sweet package and meaningful presents. Mixed msgs much?!?... I have told him I cant go on like that, feeling emotionally drained, anxious, longing, with almost no 'real' contact for the rest of the months until we meet but he seems not to realise that if my emotional needs wont be fulfilled by him, I may eventually start to seek them in someone else.... I jokingly mentioned about it today, also he misunderstood me, got all touchy and argued with me and that's how our conversation ended. And we've never argued before.. I don't know how else can I make him realise that if we won't talk often, our bond will start to fade. I feel so helpless. It would be painfully ironic if we decided to let go of each other before we even meet first time.... Edited January 15, 2012 by blugirl
folieadeux Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 The mixed messages are definitely frustrating and the only thing I would have suggested you do is talk to him about it...but it seems you have already done that to no avail. If one, or the both of you, aren't getting your needs met in the relationship then things just won't progress in the direction you want them to. I also find it curious as to why, now that you can schedule a time to meet, that he's suddenly cutting down on contact. I would think he'd want to be in contact with you MORE. I could maybe see if you were going to see him in a few weeks and he wanted some time to himself...but for you to deal with that for the better part of six months isn't very fair. We're all busy. It's his responsibility to make your relationship a priority. I could understand if this is how he's always communicated with you, but the decline raises a red flag for me. After things have calmed down a bit, I would try to talk to him about it and make him understand how serious you are and how much of an issue this really is for you. Don't bring up the possibility of seeking out someone else because, although it's a possibility, he likely didn't hear anything else you said after that and is the reason you had your first fight.
Author blugirl Posted January 17, 2012 Author Posted January 17, 2012 (edited) I don't really know what to do now... he hasn't contacted me since the argument and hasn't even bothered to apologise... If he chats up again, I don't know what I should do. Should I tell him how angry I am and say straghtforwardly that I dont agree to be treated like this? On the other hand, I am afraid what would happen if I brought the matter on the tip of a knife... >< I should mention an important thing: basically the whole time we've known each other, apart from maybe 4 months overall, he was on a nightshift - and because of the time difference it was perfect for us cause we could blab happily on skype the whole day every day while he was at work... now, since Novemver he's been on a morning shift (and will be for the most part of the year.... :'( ) which makes it basically impossible for us to talk, taking into account that his schedule is really tight. Basically that whole time we were able to talk for hours and bond with each other only because he was on a nightshift. Now it has changed and we are forced to live with it but I feel so lost. He said he wants to study to pass a language exam so that he can afford a better job and he can move in later with me. According to him, it's more important to invest in our future together now and cope with the current situation... while I dont agree. Because if it goes on like that until Aug/Sept I may as well forget who he is by that time! Isn't it super important to sustain the bond, especially in LDR??? Who's wrong here...? I feel so left alone now Edited January 17, 2012 by blugirl
folieadeux Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 Have you tried contacting him or leaving any messages? Maybe you need to be the first one to break the silence. You definitely need to address the issues you're having and not sweep them under the rug, but as calmly as possible. There is no right or wrong here; you both just need different things from your relationship right now. It's up to the pair of you to compromise and find a solution that works best for you both so no one feels neglected. If you're literally not going to be able to talk for months on end, a relationship (LD or not) can't be sustained like that. I hope you hear from him soon.
Author blugirl Posted February 1, 2012 Author Posted February 1, 2012 We've been talking again but he said things cant be changed, he doesnt have enough time to talk to me and we can only email and occasionally webcam and that wont change ... On one hand Im trying to understand but I still feel it's unfair. Especially that if it was me, I would use every free minute to talk to him, while today I know he came back home earlier than usual but he preferred to watch his stupid movies as usual instead of talk to me. That is what I dont understand cause I would choose talking to him without hesitating. That's why I accuse him of not missing me which he denies. I dont see a way out of this. I dont understand him right now.
folieadeux Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 I'm sorry to hear he hasn't budged on this. I don't blame you one bit; I'd be pissed and don't get it either. A relationship just isn't on his list of priorities right now...he's made that clear. So it's either you stay with him and be second or third down the list or don't wait for him to decide your future. I know the choice isn't an easy one to make, but if he isn't willing to work with you then it's a done deal already.
Zaphod B Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 It seems to me like he is losing interest. Speaking from experience, this sees to be a common thing with Internet relationships ie, you have met on line and have never actually met each other yet in the flesh. It's very much like a fantasy and for a short time those can be fulfilling, but after a while people get real and realise that's all it actually is. The fact that he is pushing for webcam meetings suggests to me that he is struggling to deal with the distance side of things and is tired of investing so much emotion into it. The chat is no longer fulfilling enough and he needs something more if he is to wait a further 7 months to see you. Then again, maybe he has decided to pull back for a bit emotionally, knowing that you are coming later on in the year. I have done the Internet relationship thing myself and it can seem wonderful at first, but it's often not till a few months down the track that you start to see the flaws in each other. From there it's very difficult to keep the momentum going, especially if your meeting is still some time away. I would think it's great that you have a goal to reach now, but still it may be that from his point of view he has very serious doubts about the two of you and maybe the novelty and excitement has worn off. Worst case scenario (next to the fact he's had enough) is that he has met someone, but there is still doubt it will work so he wants to keep you there as plan B if things should not work out with the other woman. I maintain that with Internet relationships, it's crucial to meet as early as possible. It is very easy to develop unrealistic expectations and you can be at risk of great disappointment when you meet and find there is no chemistry and sexual attraction. When the person is not physically there, it seems the emotions can be a lot stronger too... at least at the beginning. It's like you really really want to be together, but you can't be so it just makes the desires even more intense. It's not easy. Good luck!
Author blugirl Posted February 3, 2012 Author Posted February 3, 2012 (edited) Thanks for your thoughts, guys. I had a crisis ytd and texted him a serious msg, he went on msn immediately and heard me out - although nothing will change but now I'm sure the situation is as hard for him as it is for me and he's doing it not because he doesnt want to, he misses me as much as I do but in the light of the fact we will see each other in a few months' time he says he can cope. Also, during the conversation I didnt have to say much because it was as if he was reading my thoughts and was expressing my thoughts and feelings before I could type them out... made me realise that no matter how long we dont talk for, the moment we can talk again it's the still the same spark and bond. I'm feeling so much calmer now. Hope we can make it till we finally meet. Edited February 3, 2012 by blugirl
creighton0123 Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 Long distance relationships can't afford breakdowns in communication. If it is a serious problem, don't suggest or hint that it is a problem. Be straightforward. The "I don't have enough time to talk" is a bogus excuse. No one is THAT busy. Talk to him and politely demand that he provide a better reason. You require more in the way of communication. Despite what he feels, he has the time to provide it since your request isn't drastic (everyone in the world can spare 10 minutes a day to talk to someone they love). I always have a strong desire to slap everyone in the face who uses the "I'm really busy" or "I'm too busy" excuse to avoid very simple requests.
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