MrSimple Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 It's has been a month since my ex rebound broke up with her, so i don't exactly know how much has she settled down already. I've tried to chat with her, and so far she has been responding decently(no one word replies at least) Is it safe for me to respond instantly if she contacts, or should I leave it and respond later? Please advise, thanks!
smokey bear Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 Cut off all contact, my ex split from his rebound for 8 weeks and went back for "fun" Take no part in it until it is well and truly over.
Lis007 Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 I disagree go with what your instinct tells you to do. In my opinion no contact is for you to heal not to help with a reconciliation. If a reconciliation is what you are after then let her know how you feel at least when you think the time is right - she will let you know if she needs more time. You are communicating and that's a great start because communication is key in any relationship...
Rorschach64 Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 While I agree with pretty much everything Lis007 said about NC, I'd like to add on it. If you want a reconciliation and you tried reaching out and making nice but still got nothing then you have to stick to NC and let your ex come to the realization on their own that they want you and made a mistake, other wise you'll just be hitting yourself in the face over and over again. Also driving them away or friend zoning yourself!
Aqua066 Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 You should not be making any moves right now. Let her come to you. Honestly, right now she will only be preoccupied with thoughts of her rebound. She wants what she can't have. Anything you do now is just gonna push her further away. You need to play it cool and continue to do your own thing. Also, Smokey is right they often go back to their rebound. You have to be patient and let it play itself out. Any form of pursuit on your part will only backfire... Good luck Aqua
Author MrSimple Posted January 17, 2012 Author Posted January 17, 2012 Man~ Okay, she asked me to "just be friends" I told her "Sorry, we cannot just be friends" the week before. And suddenly she tells me "we are just friends" I didn't agree, neither did I disagree. I just didn't reply to that. The problem is, I didn't even say "yes, let's be friends", that sentence didn't even come out from me, and she's stubbornly saying that. Have I just set foot into complete doom? Coz let's say i were to NC for awhile, she's probably gonna still be thinking: I'm no more than just a friend. I have no complete idea how to reverse this situation.. Need help, loads of it. Sign...
Rorschach64 Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 You have to tell her what you want, that you cannot accept anything less than boyfriend status, if you already did that then you go NC. I am sure she won't give you what you want but at least with telling her what you want and then going NC if she denies you, you have some pride and self worth back.
Exit Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 Sounds like she can't respect your boundaries if she's going to declare that you're in a friendship that you haven't agreed to. The reply above me is correct, you can't do anything to "Reverse" it, all you can do is choose to redefine the boundaries that she is clearly willing to ignore, tell her you prefer no contact if there is nothing left but a friendship in her mind.
ZimboGon Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 *Sigh* Don't do NC. If you want reconciliation, most of the time that doesn't work. You need control of the situation. You have no idea what she's been through lately, so find out. Talk to her, ask her about it, catch up and take it from there. Who cares if she says she wants to be friends? I just got back together with my ex. She broke up with her rebound, and i entered the picture. At first she said she wanted time alone and just wanted to be friends. She told me flat out, "I just want to be friends right now." and i replied, "Well, i guess i just have to make you fall in love with me again." I took that as a challenge. I invited her to hang out a few times, i planted the seed in her head. Now she's falling over herself to be with me. She keeps saying i love you and calling me baby by 'accident' due to 'habit'. Take the initiative, because there is no sure way to know she will come back.
Rorschach64 Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 Zimbo, Please don't take offense or view this as an attack on you or your situation. His situation is vastly different than yours, everyone's situation is different. You took a gamble by breaking NC and it worked because your ex was WILLING to work things out. It takes two to tango. Where we have Mr. Simple's case where he tried, I am assuming he did this-correct me if I am wrong, to aquire reconciliation through communications and only got the friend's card. He even told her that he doesn't want that but yet she insists that they are just friends. What would you suggest he do in this situation...what would you do if you were in his shoes? Clearly his ex does not want to tango...(Yeah I know stupid dance references, got it).
Author MrSimple Posted January 18, 2012 Author Posted January 18, 2012 Guys, I really appreciate all your thoughts here. Nobody is at fault, we are all just sharing our personal experiences with each other. After all, that is what LS is for, isn't it? Zimbo: That's really great news! I'm happy for you that your ex was willing to give things a second shot with you. Your efforts paid off, and now you two are happily together again. Rorschach: I sent her a card on New Year's Eve(think it only reached her 2 days later). She messaged me saying: "can we just be friends? I really can't go back to how things were before" I replied saying: "(Ex's name) I'm sorry. You know fully well that I see you much, much more than just a friend." My second message was: "I do not want to go back to the past also, it is hard for me as well. However, what i want to do now, is to have a new beginning, a new start, with just the two of us" Her reply was: I really don't know.. It's different now.." And it appears she settled with me being in the friend-zone, without even telling me anything and expecting me to swallow it. Sign... I'm going to NC for one week, till next tues. Coz next tues is a really special date for both of us. It is a day that links our birth-dates together, and it happens every year. So I'm hoping it will trigger something in her, because as far as I know, girls will never ever forget dates that hold alot of meaning to them. Hopefully, by then her defenses will be easier to break through.
Author MrSimple Posted January 18, 2012 Author Posted January 18, 2012 I'm stuck between waiting till next tues, or just tell her tonight that I'm not going to speak to her if she only sees me as a friend(will be more discreet) The very action i take will affect my future with her greatly.
Rorschach64 Posted January 18, 2012 Posted January 18, 2012 Mr. Simple, That's exactly what I was trying to say with my little disclaimer since everyone on LS seems a bit volatile of late. No one is at fault, we are all just trying to help each other out Anywho. I suffered a similar situation to yours Mr. Simple except I sent a letter to my ex-fiancee saying I don't hate her because I felt that she thought that, which is similar to what started Zimbo's breakage of NC. Difference is I got nothing back in terms of a response, you got let's just be friends crap, and Zimbo got his ex back. So like I said you've exhausted all means to try to start a reconciliation with your ex because all you got was the friend's card and any further persistance will cause her to distance herself from you and/or being to dislike you. That's where NC comes in to play, you win no matter what happens...you heal and don't get her back OR you heal and you get back. If you feel it is necessary to restate your boundaries and want nothing more than boyfriend status then you do what you think is right but you must go NC afterwards (we both know she is going to friend card you again). This is how I would handle stuff from NC and on out...if she reaches out to you, you can switch to LC and respond appropriately depending on if it is a bread crumb or a guilt thing vs. reconciliation talk. That's how I would do it if my ex came back. In regards to you waiting to next tuesday, that is up to you but I have a feeling you won't last because I know if I was you I'd probably give it in to anxiousness then tell her tonight. Good luck man and let us know what happens.
Author MrSimple Posted January 19, 2012 Author Posted January 19, 2012 Couldn't take it anymore, the feeling was about to drive me crazy if I didn't let her know my true and real intention. I told her, and she went like: "Seriously, stop this. Don't use me to express your feelings" I don't know how you guys will read this, but this was her reply. Think she was stressed up from whatever that has been happening to her. I don't regret letting her know my true feelings, and I feel completely free of the burden now. Gonna go NC now. I'm positive, and sure that good things will happen to those who sincerely and truly desire their loved one to be happy.
Rorschach64 Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 Mr. Simple, You did what you felt was right and necessary to help yourself and the situation. So hold your head high and it is great you feel free, now stick to NC then push forward. I would read that as her being selfish and I am not even sure how you USED her to express your feelings? Isn't that what language is for? *shrug* Whatever her reasons for saying that, you re established your boundaries and now you know did the best.
flitzanu Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 Couldn't take it anymore, the feeling was about to drive me crazy if I didn't let her know my true and real intention. I told her, and she went like: "Seriously, stop this. Don't use me to express your feelings" I don't know how you guys will read this, but this was her reply. Think she was stressed up from whatever that has been happening to her. I don't regret letting her know my true feelings, and I feel completely free of the burden now. Gonna go NC now. I'm positive, and sure that good things will happen to those who sincerely and truly desire their loved one to be happy. sorry dude, that means she doesn't want to hear it. i think you're wasting your time and need to walk away before you let yourself fall further. she also stated that you are "friends" and she made sure to USE the word "friends" so take it for what she meant.
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