AwptiK Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 Well, long story short(ened): I dated a coworker for the past 5 months. She was needy and insecure, which I enjoyed at times compared to my last ex who was extremely independent. Basically, our problem was that I have an issue with anger. Twice over our relationship, once around the 2-month mark and once to end things...we had some sort of fight and my anger became uncontrollable. I'm not physical at all, but i'd definitely say I can be explosive verbally. 12/31/11 (yeah...soooo lame), we got into an argument and it was entirely her fault, and I just got extremely mad and I was honestly a dick to her about it. We parted ways for a few hours and met up again to talk, I just apologized while she cried. She said she wasn't sure about anything, which generally means 'no' from her. I vowed that night to do everything possible to work on my anger, because I wanted to be with her. Since then, i've gone to therapy several times, picked up a ton of books and i'm doing a lot better. We've talked very, very minimally, but 1/13/12 we talked about things (my doing), and she said she was done. She stated NYE was too much for her and the way I acted was something she can't ever overlook. She also specifically said the word 'cared' at one point and I asked, "Past tense?" and she said "Yeah". I didn't really handle the breakup->the 13th well. Besides anger, I'm the kind of person who pushes people away while i'm upset. It was mainly being slightly mean and little blurbs about being hurt/upset. Much different than I should have handled it. We agreed to be cool at work, which so far has worked out pretty fairly the few minutes we ever do see each other. I've got so much going through my head though. I'd love to have her back, for one. To an extent I hope if that's ever the case that I have my work cut out for me because no matter what, she'll see me a few times a week and maybe see the changes and progress i've made in the next few months. Knowing her, she'll come to me if she ever wants anything, so it's not worth thinking over or trying for. At the same time though, i've accepted that moving on and working/focusing on myself is the main plan right now. I said to her on NYE, "I wish I had these issues with my past girlfriends, because then I wouldn't have lost the girl I never wanted to lose". I know, if I don't take care of my issues and give it as much focus as I am, that I will be saying the same thing to the next girlfriend. I've also got major issues with jealousy. I've eliminated her from my life outside of work, but just knowing that someone else will get what I had really upsets me. She was by far, the best girl i've come across. Being around her and in the same work environment doesn't help with my healing process though. I've shed a lot of tears in the past two weeks. Well, that's about it. Believe me, I know how bad anger is and I don't need more painful comments or words about it. I'm doing everything I can, because it's not who I want to be and it's not something I want to define me. Knowing that the ONLY thing she ever didn't like about me was my anger (direct quote), is more than enough pain. The worst part, is the night of the argument, I had the opportunity to walk away before anything happened. The issue arose, I said I was really upset and I walked to my car. (background-I was meeting her at the end of her shift at work, because we had plans that night) I didn't drive away like I should have.
Scottdmw Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Well, it sounds like you have a pretty good idea what you need to do, I think your plan is good. It's tough going back and thinking what you might have done, like drive away before the argument. I know there are things I did years ago that still haunt me. I think the best thing is to try to forget about them, but it's not always easy. Scott
CaliBabe Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 I think it's a good idea to put some distance between you two. Get some perspective on things. I always think it is wise to take some time for yourself and take care of you first. Being able to make yourself happy instead of relying on someone else for it. Once healed and whole, you can always revisit the romance. Good luck and go NC at this point.
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