jessy1 Posted January 14, 2012 Posted January 14, 2012 Hey everyone I need some advice!!!! I have been with my partner for 8 months. I love him to bits and could not have asked for a better bf. I see a very long term future with him and I am very happy with him. He has recently been offered a great job which is a great career move for him. I have been studying at uni for 5 years and have really really struggled to find a job in my field in our home town. I was working full time in retail just to get some money but it wasn't at all where I wanted to be and I was miserable! Recently I have been offered a job in my field in a small town about 4 hours drive or 45 min flight from our home town. It is a job with the best company in my field and would be a incredible opportunity for me! My boss said I could travel back to my home town work from there for a month or so at a time, plus I plan to drive back alot and spend my weekends there. I told my bf and he said he would support me but he doesn't know if he could do long distance Im so so upset by this. I love him to pieces and want to stay with him. He has done LD before and he ended up cheating on the girl (this was along time ago when he was young). I trust him not to do that again but im worried he will get bored with out me as he seemed to get bored last time without his ex gf! I dont know if I should take the job and be miserable or not take the job and still have my bf but not a career for now. Can you please give me some advice on this! Im so stuck!
bean1 Posted January 14, 2012 Posted January 14, 2012 My advice, as always, is to believe him when he tells you something so honest and blunt. He told you he does not want to do LDR and he has already shown you that he cannot stay faithful in an LDR.
ditzchic Posted January 14, 2012 Posted January 14, 2012 There's no way I would try a LDR with him. He told you it won't work, believe him. I guess the question you need to ask yourself is 'is a man that can't put himself through a little pain for you worth putting yourself through pain for?'. You said you are miserable with your current situation. Is he worth prolonging the misery? If you take the job and lose him, do you think it's possible to find someone else and be equally or more happy with them? If you keep him and lose the job opportunity, are there more job opportunities out there?
Author jessy1 Posted January 14, 2012 Author Posted January 14, 2012 (edited) Thanks for the replies. I love my bf to bits and have never been treated so well and have never been so happy. I am so worried I wont be able to find that again and will be forever missing him. He said he doesn't know if he could do LD but wants to try and he would never cheat on me and he was just young and dumb etc .... I searched for ages to find a job in my home town and I just couldnt If you really loved someone would you try and keep going despite a four hour distance? I would be in my home town for a month or so at a time working and would spend most weekends there also so it wouldnt be like we would never see each other! I guess im just a bit upset that he didnt support me how i wanted him to Edited January 14, 2012 by jessy1
eerie_reverie Posted January 14, 2012 Posted January 14, 2012 4 hours is not even really long distance. I would take the job.
jobaba Posted January 14, 2012 Posted January 14, 2012 You're lucky you can choose. For some guys, they NEED a career to get LOVE .
binny Posted January 14, 2012 Posted January 14, 2012 If I were you I would take the job. I know you say you love him to bits, but imagine the worst case scenario and you ended up breaking up. How would you feel if you hadn't taken the job? If the relationship is meant to last and he loves you, you will both manage to make it work regardless of the 4 hour drive, which isn't really that far away.
FitChick Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 If I were you I would take the job. I know you say you love him to bits, but imagine the worst case scenario and you ended up breaking up. How would you feel if you hadn't taken the job? If the relationship is meant to last and he loves you, you will both manage to make it work regardless of the 4 hour drive, which isn't really that far away. I agree. Of course, I've done long distance and I've never cheated, nor am I bored by myself. Considering the state of the world economy, you would be foolish to turn down the job. Tell the BF that you want to try it out to stall him a bit. In the meantime, you might meet someone else in the new place. If your BF were offering marriage and made enough money to support you both, that would be a different story. Why doesn't he look for work in your new town?
thatone Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 what sort of jobs are we talking about? like, is he an attorney and you're gonna be taking a job as a social worker and make 7x less than him? or are you a phD and he's a mechanic so you'd be making 7x more than him? you two need to work this out and compromise. there are other solutions, i'll bet.
ditzchic Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 If you really loved someone would you try and keep going despite a four hour distance? I would be in my home town for a month or so at a time working and would spend most weekends there also so it wouldnt be like we would never see each other! I guess im just a bit upset that he didnt support me how i wanted him to Absolutely if I loved someone I would be able to do a four hour distance. Seeing each other most weekends should be enough if it's really love. I understand your concern that he isn't showing the same enthusiasm. I would be concerned too. I agree with what another poster said as well. In the state of this economy a job is a hard thing to turn down. I've been looking for a different job in my field for the last year, the market is so tight right now. Opportunities don't come easy. I've had 3 interviews over the course of the last 12 months. Over the same 12 months I've had about 20 first dates. At this point, I would chose a job over a man no contest.
allina Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 Do NOT give up an opportunity of a life time for a man you've known for 8 months!
FitChick Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 Since you will both have good jobs, in addition to taking turns flying back and forth, why not each drive two hours to meet each other halfway and spend romantic weekends in different places? See and do things you wouldn't normally do. If he is still too bored, tell him it isn't your job to entertain him. Would you want to live with someone like that? It would be yet another job for you.
Imageiko Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 what sort of jobs are we talking about? like, is he an attorney and you're gonna be taking a job as a social worker and make 7x less than him? or are you a phD and he's a mechanic so you'd be making 7x more than him? you two need to work this out and compromise. there are other solutions, i'll bet. This for me, I'm kinda surprised actually by the amount of people saying take the job without knowing more. Unless we're talking about some lifestyle altering salary I'd be sticking it out with the bf. Work to live not live to work imo. You'd have to fill me in on the financials of both jobs before I'd tell you to take the job.
Dust Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 If he really wants to stop you from moving its easy to tell from your writing he could. All he would have to do is ask you not to go and promise mariage or something. This is a good oportunity for you and with it only being 4 hours away you guys could make plans to spend atleast 1 weekend a month togather if not more. The key to LDR's in my opinion is to set a date for ending them. You could tell him that you're going to give this a year and that your plan is to continue looking for a job near to him. I think you should take the job. You've only known the guy 8 months and if he really wants to stop you he could just propose or something. I think you should do an ldr where you two take turns visiting each other atleast 1-2 a month. The experience could help you get a job in your home town.
carhill Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 "I have been studying at uni for 5 years and have really really struggled to find a job in my field in our home town." "Recently I have been offered a job in my field in a small town about 4 hours drive or 45 min flight from our home town. It is a job with the best company in my field and would be a incredible opportunity for me!" "My boss said I could travel back to my home town work from there for a month or so at a time" If every young person in this current world economy could be so fortunate..... looks like a solid 'win-win' to me.
Kamille Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 This is a tough decision, one I have had to make not once, but three times in my life. Every time, I was offered an opportunity I didn't want to pass up: Relationship 1 (a man I thought I was going to marry): The choice was between him and a Ph.D with a prestigious scholar, Relationship 2: a guy I liked or an involvement in an important research network (this decision was rather easy); Relationship 3 (the latest): a man I adore or a tenure track position in exactly my field. I always chose career. In Relationship 1 and 3, we tried to make the long distance work. R1 lasted 3 months LDR, R3 lasted 18 months LDR. Distance is hard. It's been my experience that the distance is harder on the partner that is left behind, mainly because they did not chose the LDR. They end up missing having someone around. Simply put. But I don't regret choosing career. I love my job that much. And if I hadn't chosen my career, I would have never met my latest ex, a man who changed my life for the better in more ways than one. That being said, it doesn't mean career is the right decision for you. But your bf is telling you something important: for some (if not most) people, a relationship involves daily contact, daily presence. Their partner is their go to person. While I was happier in the LDR than my exes were, I admit that I now look forward to my next relationship, and hope it will be someone who can be more present in my life. LDR is hard. I don't know if you posted in the LDR forum on here, but you could probably get a different point of view there, from people who's LDRs are working. In the meantime, a few questions for you: How long would you be LDR? Would it be an indefinite LDR or would you have a point in time? Is there anything else (hobbies, passions, family) in your hometown that could make you happy?
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 This is a tough decision, one I have had to make not once, but three times in my life. Every time, I was offered an opportunity I didn't want to pass up: Relationship 1 (a man I thought I was going to marry): The choice was between him and a Ph.D with a prestigious scholar, Relationship 2: a guy I liked or an involvement in an important research network (this decision was rather easy); Relationship 3 (the latest): a man I adore or a tenure track position in exactly my field. I always chose career. In Relationship 1 and 3, we tried to make the long distance work. R1 lasted 3 months LDR, R3 lasted 18 months LDR. That isn't very encouraging. Here is the deal. When you are young people should most often choose career over relationships. This is because relationships at that age are not very stable. Once get get to your late 20's, and definitely by your early 30's... you should be prioritizing your relationship over your career. Work will never be able to make you as happy as a family will, and money should not be more important than love.
Andy_K Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 Once get get to your late 20's, and definitely by your early 30's... you should be prioritizing your relationship over your career. Work will never be able to make you as happy as a family will, and money should not be more important than love. I agree with this 100%. Once you're at the age you'd settle with someone, and you believe they're The One, that comes first. Your job is the means to an end, not the end itself.
Professor X Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 So basically its career in a field you love vs a retail job with a bf of 8 months? hmm... If you'd say you were married or engaged I'd reconsider the job offer, but for a 8m old rs? Gotta be a total fool to pass out on that. Especially given your young age...
Kamille Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 That isn't very encouraging. Here is the deal. When you are young people should most often choose career over relationships. This is because relationships at that age are not very stable. Once get get to your late 20's, and definitely by your early 30's... you should be prioritizing your relationship over your career. Work will never be able to make you as happy as a family will, and money should not be more important than love. No, there is no cookie cutter rule. There is no single path to happiness. The OP has to decide what she wants deep down. My life is not empty of love and happiness. In fact, it is incredibly fulfilling. I might not have my 1.6 kids and a husband (yet), but I have great friends and I contribute what I can to my community. I've never thought happiness was limited to the nuclear family. I've also only been single for a little over two months and suspect I will find a partner within a year or two. In short, all is good on this front.
bean1 Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 I actually chose the boyfriend of a few months over the career (which involved moving with him, 5 hours flight & different language). Years later, married & happy with a child. I was 23. I think, in hindsight, it was a crazy thing to do and holy shiat I am lucky it turned out for the best, LOL But here's my take on it: I was very passionate & eager to go with him. Your man does not seem very interested in the idea, even if he stays. It sounds like you WANT him to be supportive & excited for this, and perhaps you are trying to convince yourself that he could be, but the reality is that he is not and that is a reality you should face. I think he is not as into you as you are into him, sorry. That doesn't make him wrong or you wrong, it just seems what it is.
ffw Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 Beside what prof. X mentioned, I like to add one more point. A person can fall in love again but a bad move in the career can cost dearly. Personally, there was a time in my life where I had to choose between 4 & 1/2 years relationship or pursure PhD.
ditzchic Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 No, there is no cookie cutter rule. There is no single path to happiness. The OP has to decide what she wants deep down. My life is not empty of love and happiness. In fact, it is incredibly fulfilling. I might not have my 1.6 kids and a husband (yet), but I have great friends and I contribute what I can to my community. I've never thought happiness was limited to the nuclear family. I've also only been single for a little over two months and suspect I will find a partner within a year or two. In short, all is good on this front. Thank you!! I was going to comment on that but decided against it. There is no such rule book for how people should live their lives and at what age they should take certain paths and make certain decisions. Different people are motivated by and passionate about different things. I love my friends and family and have thoroughly enjoyed being in all my past relationships. They don't define me though. I love my job as well. That's not my definition either. To me it's about finding a balance. A boyfriend I love with a job I hate isn't going to cut it. Neither is a job I love and a boyfriend I can't stand. If it takes another 10 years of experimentation to find my life's bliss so be it. I'd rather that then waking up in 10 years and looking back at all the missed opportunities with regret wondering what the hell I did with my life.
thatone Posted January 15, 2012 Posted January 15, 2012 (edited) This for me, I'm kinda surprised actually by the amount of people saying take the job without knowing more. Unless we're talking about some lifestyle altering salary I'd be sticking it out with the bf. Work to live not live to work imo. You'd have to fill me in on the financials of both jobs before I'd tell you to take the job. yeah, that's me too. i don't wanna look back on my life 30 years from now and have to think "i had a good job". so boring, lots of people have a good job, but what else? i'd much rather have tales to tell of the people i met over the years. and not to sound completely innocent, i have thrown away relationships and friendships for jobs, but made a conscious decision never to do so again about 5 years ago. no job owes me anything, when i worked for other people i could've been fired/laid off on any given day. so as a result i came to the realization that i didn't owe them anything either. screw them, they didn't control all of my life, just a third of my time. Edited January 15, 2012 by thatone
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