"out of my league"?

[dizy]

I see this expression quite often here and keep wondering what does it really mean. I personally don't have a such thing as a "league". There are people that I am interested in and those who dont stand a chance, but out of my league like I am attracted to the person but he is just way too good for me? never had that thought before. and I find it frustrating that guys would not pursue women who are "out of their leagues".

 

So for any guy out there who has a clear defined range of women that they think they can get: what is your league? and what do you take into consideration when determining whether shes out of your league?

[carhill]

I think it's more of a learned behavior; the result of life experience, generally beginning as one moves from family to one's peer group during adolescence. One need only view the segregation of peer groups at that age to get a clue as to what lies ahead. Sure, they get more 'mature' and 'benevolent' and 'polite', but social stratification is as real as human existence.

 

what do you take into consideration when determining whether shes out of your league?

 

Everyone is different but for myself it is learned socio-economic stratification. For example, theoretically, even though I've been around a lot, own a business and am active in the community I couldn't imagine dating our local district attorney, who happens to be a woman. She just moves in different social and economic circles as her family is pretty wealthy. Me, I whittle metal and fix up old houses. Different strokes for different folks. True, we're all human and theoretically there should be no limits to potential interaction and synergy but a lifetime of experience has taught certain behaviors and that's one of them. I see it in action daily. A lifetime of interacting with women has taught me what they view as potentials for them and some people are not potentials strictly due to social status and economic level. I accept that. Different path.

[DirtyDancing]

I was told recently by the man of my dreams that he thought I was so out of his league. I have wondered what this means too; I've never been told that before.

 

I thought he was "out of my league" meaning he's too good for me, he's in a completely different playing field, and he'd never go for me.

 

I think generally, if you think someone's out of your league it means you think they're too good for you, or unattainable. I'm interested in hearing the male responses to your question!

[irc333]

"Out of someone's League"

 

Is typically misnomer.

 

 

Like a perfect 10 model would be "out of the league" of a rather average looking, frumpy guy with a receding hair line.

 

But it, I think, it's mostly status or classes.

 

If she's one of those hoity, toity, high maint. PIA's that have the equivalent personality of the "Real Housewives of LA", then that's another thing people take into consideration.

 

 

I see this expression quite often here and keep wondering what does it really mean. I personally don't have a such thing as a "league". There are people that I am interested in and those who dont stand a chance, but out of my league like I am attracted to the person but he is just way too good for me? never had that thought before. and I find it frustrating that guys would not pursue women who are "out of their leagues".

 

So for any guy out there who has a clear defined range of women that they think they can get: what is your league? and what do you take into consideration when determining whether shes out of your league?

[irc333]

IE

 

Female Lawyer and a male school teacher.

 

The female lawyer would be considered out of the league of a male school teacher.

 

 

Just an example.

[neowulf]

Eh ... personal story time.

 

Back in highschool, around year 12 a new girl moved to our school.

She immediately drew the attention of every guy in the grade.. she was that good looking. Perfect body, pretty fact. Absolute stunner.

 

Enter me. Pretty nasty acne, not in the least sporty, generally frumpy and average looking.

 

I took one look at this girl and made up my mind to talk with her.

Fast forward 2 months and we were dating...

 

Of course, it only lasted about 6 months. Mainly because *EVERYONE* was telling her she could do waaaaaay better than me. Her friends, the rest of the grade. The works. Basically she was being told "Honey, you're slumming it up with this loser.. you can do sooo much better".

 

We have an internal image of who we think we can reasonably attract. That becomes our "lot" in life. If you accept this reasoning long enough it becomes internalised.

 

I've had really pretty girls flirting openly with me, but I just shut down completely. Because I refuse to believe what the body language is telling me.

She's "Too good" for me.

 

Maybe the real issue at the core of it all is an individuals sense of self-worth. They simply feel "unworthy" of a partner of such quality and status.

[runner]

yea i don't believe in 'leagues' either, but some do, and obviously for them 'leagues' exist, and they will come on here and tell people like myself how horribly wrong and naive i am

 

at the end of the day, we mostly create our own realities and choose what we want to see and believe. in the past i've upset people for having dated girls who they believed were 'out of my league' and 'too good for me' (hence shattering their belief structures). whereas on my end, i had no idea what they were on about; and in fact, i've stopped dating a couple of these girls only because i didn't feel they were compatible with me in some form or another. if my critics knew the truth about me being the one to end things, surely they'd call me a liar and tell me that i had it coming from the beginning

 

be careful about your beliefs; and question whose interest is really being served.

[irc333]

Of course, it only lasted about 6 months. Mainly because *EVERYONE* was telling her she could do waaaaaay better than me. Her friends, the rest of the grade. The works. Basically she was being told "Honey, you're slumming it up with this loser.. you can do sooo much better".

 

Good story.

 

I was wondering, were you the only man that could muster up asking her out? Or was she being asked out constantly, but refusing men...even the good-looking ones?

 

Sometimes (no offense to you) people would like at such a couple and ALSO think "She's dating him, only because she has self-esteem issues or makes her feel superior by public view" or something to that effect.

 

Basically, if you ever see a real hot woman with such an average Joe, either he's:

 

1. Makes enough money to buy her nice things and support her with a roof over her head.

2. She's only dating him, because she has self-esteem issues.

 

If there's a #3, it's a rare sighting, like bigfoot (# 3 meaning, if she's dating him because of his personality more so than looks)

[Casablanca]

I'm sort of in this boat

 

I met a woman online, she actually messaged me first. She is 2 years older than me, I only saw one picture of her and it was a good picture...but when we met she is a 10/10. She has a confidence like I've never met.

 

I'm a good looking guy, but I'm not 10/10, but getting a 10/10 isn't out of my league totally, but tack on her confidence and her being 2 years older (which isn't a lot), its a tad bit intimidating...but she contacted me first, she initiates texts, etc. I'm confident, but she seems almost intimidating.

 

I'm very excited to go out with her again next weekend and I'm confident that she is interested...she is also a bit of a nerd, but you wouldn't tell that by just meeting her at first. So it seems a bit odd to me, but maybe she's just looking for a guy to settle down with, I have a career, a house and a car, so I'm doing pretty well in my life and make excellent bf materiel.

[Andy_K]

yea i don't believe in 'leagues' either, but some do, and obviously for them 'leagues' exist, and they will come on here and tell people like myself how horribly wrong and naive i am

 

Consider a morbidly obese 40 year old unemployed woman with terrible acne and three children from different dads. You'd give her a chance, right? Most guys would, surely?

 

Or perhaps you only consider 'leagues don't exist' when you're looking at who *you* can attain?

[ThaWholigan]

I think leagues are subjective.

 

It's also an excuse to tell people that they should date someone they are not attracted to so they will stop complaining about not getting the ones that they are attracted.

[somedude81]

It should be no surprise to anybody that I believe in leagues.

 

I've been told that I'm somewhere between a 4 and a 6. Which obviously means that I should stick to girls in that range. And the only girls that are rated that low are either ugly and or obese.

 

Sadly, I'm not interested in woman like that, I just can't force myself to be. I've tried. So I'll just probably spend the rest of my life alone.

[ThaWholigan]

It should be no surprise to anybody that I believe in leagues.

 

I've been told that I'm somewhere between a 4 and a 6. Which obviously means that I should stick to girls in that range. And the only girls that are rated that low are either ugly and or obese.

 

Sadly, I'm not interested in woman like that, I just can't force myself to be. I've tried. So I'll just probably spend the rest of my life alone.

 

If you're familiar with soccer then you know you can be promoted to a higher league.

 

Just need to learn a few things, is all.

[jobaba]

I see this expression quite often here and keep wondering what does it really mean. I personally don't have a such thing as a "league". There are people that I am interested in and those who dont stand a chance, but out of my league like I am attracted to the person but he is just way too good for me? never had that thought before. and I find it frustrating that guys would not pursue women who are "out of their leagues".

 

So for any guy out there who has a clear defined range of women that they think they can get: what is your league? and what do you take into consideration when determining whether shes out of your league?

 

If there's people that don't stand a chance with YOU because they're not physically attractive enough, then you have a league with a defined range. Simple as that.

 

It's just a fact of life. There's people who are more physically attractive than others. And on top of that and more importantly, people who THINK they are more physically attractive than a group of the opposite sex.

 

But I agree. If you like somebody, you shouldn't let them being out of your league in a societal sense deter you.

 

EVERYBODY has a rough idea of what league they belong in.

[jobaba]

It should be no surprise to anybody that I believe in leagues.

 

I've been told that I'm somewhere between a 4 and a 6. Which obviously means that I should stick to girls in that range. And the only girls that are rated that low are either ugly and or obese.

 

Sadly, I'm not interested in woman like that, I just can't force myself to be. I've tried. So I'll just probably spend the rest of my life alone.

 

If you were a 4 to a 6, that means that you are as attractive as an average woman. You are saying you don't find average women attractive?

 

Then, that's your problem...

[MontanaGirl]

I see "leagues" in terms of a collection of strengths and weaknesses. For example (to name just a few): finances, athletic abilities, job prestige, intelligence, artistic talent, humor, and beauty.

 

I've always thought that a person's "score" for most of these traits lies along a normal distribution (bell curve); the vast majority of people are close to average for any given trait, with a few people being much better or much worse than average.

 

The "league" of another person is really in the eye of the beholder; different traits are more important to a different person. Nobody is a "ten" in everything, and nobody is a "one" in everything, so a league is fluid and subjective.

 

A fake example: A man has a lot of money, but is quite dumb; he's about average in everything else. One woman thinks he's out of her league because he's stinking rich. I think I'm out of his league because he's super dumb; I don't care about his massive savings account. The man thinks he's out of my league because I'm a broke academic that thinks about statistical distributions on a Sunday morning. He thinks the other woman is out of his league, because she has particularly pretty face. Meanwhile, the woman thinks highly of me because I'm more athletic than she is, while I've always been in awe of her because she is artistically talented and I can't draw a stick figure.

 

So who, in this fake scenario, is out of whose league? It's a matter of personal tastes, as it is with real scenarios.

[MontanaGirl]

My post brings up another question. When people rank other people how exactly do they do it? Let's use looks as an example, because that seems to be most people's obsession (and is easier to evaluate without knowing the person):

 

First, it seems like calling someone a 4-6 is an insult (see SomeDude's post), but that's silly: a six is more beautiful most other people.

 

Second, do people imagine this ranking as a bell curve, like I explained in my last post, so that there are essentially no tens (or ones)? Or do you imagine there are an equal number of tens as there are sixes? That impacts your "scale" a lot.

 

Third, related to my first question, do you rank the woman with her age in mind? To many men, an average 25 year old woman is going to be more attractive than an average 50 year old. But for their ages, they are absolutely average. Do they both "score" a five, or is the younger woman given a 7 simply because she's younger, and the older woman a 4 because she's aged? Or are you only willing to rank women who fall in your age range of interest?

 

I've never ranked someone, and haven't known a male willing to admit he has. But since this seems to be a frequent topic on LS, I've gotten curious.

[carhill]

One doesn't necessarily have to participate in the ranking process of leagues (or socio-economic stratification) to acknowledge and accept that such dynamics exist and affect them. This is akin to rejecting society's values which one finds unfair/detestable/whatever but still participating in and integrating into society. I call it 'riding the bear'. One can ride the bear or one can be under the bear and the bear eats one.

[thatone]

I see "leagues" in terms of a collection of strengths and weaknesses. For example (to name just a few): finances, athletic abilities, job prestige, intelligence, artistic talent, humor, and beauty.

 

I've always thought that a person's "score" for most of these traits lies along a normal distribution (bell curve); the vast majority of people are close to average for any given trait, with a few people being much better or much worse than average.

 

The "league" of another person is really in the eye of the beholder; different traits are more important to a different person. Nobody is a "ten" in everything, and nobody is a "one" in everything, so a league is fluid and subjective.

 

A fake example: A man has a lot of money, but is quite dumb; he's about average in everything else. One woman thinks he's out of her league because he's stinking rich. I think I'm out of his league because he's super dumb; I don't care about his massive savings account. The man thinks he's out of my league because I'm a broke academic that thinks about statistical distributions on a Sunday morning. He thinks the other woman is out of his league, because she has particularly pretty face. Meanwhile, the woman thinks highly of me because I'm more athletic than she is, while I've always been in awe of her because she is artistically talented and I can't draw a stick figure.

 

So who, in this fake scenario, is out of whose league? It's a matter of personal tastes, as it is with real scenarios.

 

i agree with the above. i have friends of all manner of socioeconomic status. the one thing that infuriates me, and i'm a pretty easy going person, is people who try to look down on others because of their perceived status.

 

in fact i'll go out of my way to knock such people down a peg or two in my presence just to show them that they're not all they're made out to be. an ex from a few years back had a sibling like that, an attorney, who would do things like strike up conversation with people and then disregard them mid sentence, as a sort of slight, and then start talking about himself.

 

since he was so proud of his status to the point of slighting other people i never let an opportunity slip by around him to make offhanded comments that reminded him that i would always have more than him, especially if his girlfriend was present.

Edited January 15, 2012 by thatone

[Ross MwcFan]

I've got absolutley no idea of what league I belong in. I would love to know though.

[jobaba]

 

in fact i'll go out of my way to knock such people down a peg or two in my presence just to show them that they're not all they're made out to be. an ex from a few years back had a sibling like that, an attorney, who would do things like strike up conversation with people and then disregard them mid sentence, as a sort of slight, and then start talking about himself.

 

since he was so proud of his status to the point of slighting other people i never let an opportunity slip by around him to make offhanded comments that reminded him that i would always have more than him, especially if his girlfriend was present.

 

Yea. That sickens me. I know tons of doctors and lawyers and when I see them put others down (rarely to their face), it's kind of upsetting that I know these people and are friends with some of them. Can't judge too harshly though. Mostly EVERYBODY is like that in life.

[thatone]

Yea. That sickens me. I know tons of doctors and lawyers and when I see them put others down (rarely to their face), it's kind of upsetting that I know these people and are friends with some of them. Can't judge too harshly though. Mostly EVERYBODY is like that in life.

 

i know, and it's sad.

 

i generally have a higher regard for attorneys, as well, so it particularly upsets me when an attorney is that way. they're supposed to be smarter than me, i need their advice about things. if i didn't i wouldn't have to pay for them.

 

there's nothing more dangerous to me, professionally, than a dishonest/incompetent attorney. so i have a particular disdain for bad attorneys, or bad people who are attorneys, either way.

[dasein]

Consider a morbidly obese 40 year old unemployed woman with terrible acne and three children from different dads. You'd give her a chance, right? Most guys would, surely?

 

Or perhaps you only consider 'leagues don't exist' when you're looking at who *you* can attain?

 

Good point, and sums up how meaningless the concept "league" is. If people limited it strictly to physical attractiveness, it could have some reasonable use, but they don't, so it doesn't.

 

Would you date a serial killer? I wouldn't. Does that mean I am shallow because I consider myself out of the serial killer's league? We use the term "dealbreaker" as a positive prejudice, and "league" as a more negative, superficial prejudice, but they are really close in meaning. We also use league when there is a perceived objective imbalance, when in relationships, subjective balance is actually all that matters. What do the two people involved think about each other?

 

I don't use "league" or "out of their league" in comparing people dating, and find two types of people do generally. First, those who use it in a self-deprecating way, who need to stop because it is irrational self-sabotaging behavior that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy over time.

 

Second, emotionally immature a-holes who have nothing better to do than sit around worrying about and rating people one against the other. These need to stop because they also need to stop breathing, lol, as they are generally a waste of air and space in every other way also. There's always something better to do than worry about who is out of whose league, just as there is always something better to read than all those tabloids at the grocery store. The types of people who use "out of ... league" lots are the type who can name all the Kardashians or cast members of Jersey Shore.

[GoodOnPaper]

I find it frustrating that guys would not pursue women who are "out of their leagues".

 

Why? We should want to set ourselves up for a high-probability rejection? And if the rejection doesn't happen, face the likely scenario that we will like the women far more than they will like us? Not to mention the probable competition with lots of other guys? Too many headaches . . .

 

For me to be intimate with and maybe later fall in love with a woman, I have to feel comfortable around her. If I'm worrying about potential drama related to her being "too" attractive, then -- regardless of whether it's right or wrong on my part -- I'm not going to be comfortable.

[Lonely Ronin]

For me to be intimate with and maybe later fall in love with a woman, I have to feel comfortable around her

 

I strongly second this. I've meet very few women that I think are physically "out of my league", but I do know several that are "out of my league" for other reasons. Perhaps saying someone is "out of my league" is not the correct way of saying it, but most people understand that it means person X is not compatible with you for some reason.