HELP!!! My boyfriend/father of my kids has an addiction to sex--JUST NOT WITH ME

[ex_pookie]

[font=courier new][/font][font=century gothic][/font][font=arial][/font][color=darkred][/color]

Okay, I signed up with this community because I find myself searching for answers and no one to turn to. I am a mother of 2 toddlers (ages 1 and 2). My boyfriend (whom I live with, practically married, and the father of my kids) is a trucker. We are in our late 20's. He only drives short haul stuff now where he'd leave one night and be back the next night. Anyway.. since the birth of my children I have gained weight. I have scars from surgeries, and left over stretch marks. I am not obese by any means. I look pretty good actually... or so I thought.

 

I left him before, before my daughter was born. Because he got violent. But 8 1/2 months later I came back. One of my 'stipulations' on coming back was that he unsubscribes to these porn channels. Fine and dandy. Done. Now we will spat and argue, and mean and hurtful things are said, and then apologized for later. Whatever, I can deal with that. But... I came across our cable bill. And much to my surprise, we subscribe to Hustler and Playboy TV. Not to mention the numerous PPV porn movies that were ordered. For two months he has been keeping this from me. And looking back into those two months, he has slept on the couch more times than not (by choice), anytime I have to go do something, and I leave the children with him, when I come home they are in their room. No matter what time of day it is. When I walk into the Tv room, he is sitting there, remote in hand, and changes the channel right away. But I trusted him. Trusted that he was just "channel surfing", trusted that he just couldn't handle the kids, just trusted him..period. Then this cable bill. So I confronted him.

 

In a non-agressive matter I asked him if there is anything he wishes to tell me. NO. Okay, is there anything he may be keeping from me? NO. "Why what'd you find" ... That leads me to think there are more secrets. So I just out and asked him if he planned on telling me that we have subscribed to this smut for the last two months. He freaked out. He started yelling at me, telling me it was his house, he can do whatever he wants, he doesn't have to answer to anybody, I don't have any say on what goes on because I don't pay any bills. I am stupid. But he kept stressing that he is going to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. He has cheated on me before. I think he's doing it again.

 

His work says he got home in the morning, but he doesn't show up at home til evening. And if I ask where he was, I get none of your f-ing business. He can do whatever he wants. He doesn't have to answer to me. Not now, not ever.

 

So this last time that he went to work, he packed up a huge dufflebag, took towels, clothes, his pool cue, a bunch of personal belongings, and left. I asked him why he needed all that stuff if he only goes on overnight trips, and he said so he can have a change of clothes, to go out.. wherever he wants to go. All the while leaving me sit at home with our two kids. Whom he didn't even say goodbye to.

 

I would like to keep my family together, but I just don't know what to do. I can't leave him, because I don't work, and I don't have anyone to watch my kids if I did work. Welfare supplies enough money to live in the downtown or rougher neighbourhoods, and I am truthfully scared to live there.

 

Also, when I asked him to get rid of it, and why he needed it... he said I don't look like they look. He needs to be sexually stimulated by these types of women. Our sex life consists of me performing oral sex on him, while his face is covered (so he doesn't have to look at ugly me?). There is no intimacy. There are no kisses, unless he is grabbing at my breasts ending in oral gratification for him. He says I am not fulfilling my "job" as his wife unless I am orally pleasuring him a few times a day. On top of which he masturbates at least 5 times a day.

 

I know he has porn in his truck, and I told him that I am not alright with it, but since I can't be there to fulfill his needs, I won't say anything about it. But at home? To put our babies in their room so he can jerk off? So he can stay in the tv room while I sleep in our bed alone, because he needs the stimulation of these...women ( i use the term loosely, pardon the pun)? but he says I am the problem here. That he would rather have these porno women, then me and the kids.

 

Once upon a time he was also addicted to the telephone personals, meeting random women, and doing the deed. He has received letters from the telephone personal companies in our area, and he has told me that they were just "junk mail" that he doesn't do that anymore. But they have HIS name on it, with an account, etc.

 

I need help. I need advice. I really don't know what to do, or even what to think at this point. I am scared, sad, hurt, angry...the list goes on, but I have no answers. If some of you could please shed some light for me it would be greatly appreciated! :(

[Matilda]

I think you should leave him. This sounds like a horrible situation for you, and an even worse one for your kids. This seems like abuse to me, and I know in the US we have shelters for abused women to help them get on their feet. Surely there is something similar in Canada.

 

I just can't imagine the humilation of your sexual relationship with this man. I really feel for you, and wish I could help you to get out of that situation.

[ex_pookie]

thanks Matilda, there are shelters here for abused women and children, but unless the police are involved, they cannot help you. so that door to me was shut. i really don't have anywhere to go, and he knows that, and i know he plays on that. he says i can do whatever i want, but i'll just be taking our kids to some slummed place. calling me a failure. on the other hand, he says he would be much happier, cuz he has everything, and he would be much happier without me and the kids.

 

So I should take what he says at face value right? I am so scared, so I can't leave, just yet. I keep telling myself the children won't be young forever, and one day when I can get a job I will leave him. I just wish I knew what to say to him right now, without coming off as nagging or just sounding pathetic. I have run out of things to say that I haven't said before. And just don't know what to do. I try to keep a smiley face on, for the kids sake. But since he walked out on us yesterday, my mind has been racing a mile a minute thinking of the strippers he is watching, the possible flings he may have, and it has affected me. In ways that I'm just letting other stuff slip. I don't like it and I want to fix it, but I can't leave just yet. I really don'tknow what to do!

[bojangles]

Sweetheart, you are being mistreated, abused, and taken for granted. If you love yourself, and want your children to love you, leave this man. He has a problem, but you cannot fix him, and he clearly does not see himself needing fixing. His dismissive and abusive treatment of you will be noticed and picked up on by your children - certainly not a healthy environment.

[moimeme]

And you want to stay with this person because....???????

[Matilda]

I would just let him watch all the porn he wants, but in the mean time, start making some plans. Do you have family or friends that could help? This is not the time to worry about pride, you can think about that later. I would call the women's shelter, and ask if they know of any options for a woman in your situation.

 

Start thinking about getting out. There is a way to do it, you just need to figure it out.

[meagara]

There is no way this man is going to change for you, ever! You need to get out as soon as possible, he is emotionally, mentally, and has physically abused you. You don't want to teach your children that it is alright to be taken for granted and treated horribly. Children mirror what they see, especially at such young tender ages as 1 and 2. Just because they are small doesn't mean that they won't remember. If you love your children get them out of that environment. Obviously, you bf doesn't care for the children or you.

 

Even if it is a slummed place, it is alot better then where you are now. You should have more respect for yourself, seek help and fast. Call your family or friends. Just get out soon.

 

Don't forget to kick him right in the dick before you leave, he won't be snapping that thing back for awhile!