yeahyeahyeah Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 So, sort of just generally wondering about how much talking about problems is ever effective. With my last ex I decided to just sort of be upfront and talk about issues. I wasn't accusative, always phrasing as "I feel" or "I am this sort of person." It seemed to get me nowhere. Her responses varied from you should adjust your feelings, you're misinterpreting things, etc. Basically, she was never wrong and she wasn't going to lift a finger to do anything. I understand that you shouldn't try to change a person, but isn't there some accommodation and flexibility involved in a relationship? To drill down to specific, would it be bad to ask about (in a non accusative way) about how she gets really quiet/unenergetic sometimes (I think it's just her personality; her friends have even warned me not to take it personal) and about how it's weird when she doesn't just cut loose and just sort of goof around be silly (because sometimes she does and then other times she's kinda a stick in the mud)? Also, don't need any win her over, game advice. I don't know if that's really much of an issue at this point -- there are other signs of interest that don't make that much of a worry for me right now (always asking me to sleep over, sex, telling me she really missed me when I leave town for a while, telling me she really likes me, messaging back and forth everyday throughout the day, and others). Thanks
2sunny Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 Talking about a problem out loud only tends to useful if you have some solutions in mind or are willing to consider other peoples ideas as a possible solution.
DenumChkn Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 I don't want to alarm you or make you freak out, but I'd just be weary man. My ex broke up with me about 5 months ago after she was acting kind of cold and distant at times. I thought at the time that she might be thinking about it but kind of ignored it because of the things you describe: Sex, contacting me, saying she missed me, etc. All of those things were a veil apparently, because 4 days after I got back from a week long vacation (during which we talked almost every night and she'd say she missed me and be sad when I'd hang up to go) she broke up with me 'because of school' (still don't believe that crap). She has not attempted to contact me once since a few days afterward when I told her it was too difficult for me to be friends at the time (I now regret that. I know everyone on here says don't be friends but 5 months later I'm still in serious pain and regressing and feel it would have subsided faster if we at least ended things on friendly terms). Instead I tried to call her a little after that for her birthday and she was very nasty to me on the phone. That was the last time I talked to her, and I have tortured myself every single day and night thinking about it since. I don't want you to end up like me. Honestly, if I ever get these hot/cold signals from a girl again in the future, I will pre-emptively break up with her no matter how much I like her, because at least then it will be on my terms and I can retain some of my power. I have felt completely powerless for the last 5 months and my social interactions with girls and other people have only worsened. Best of luck, I hope every thing is OK.
Author yeahyeahyeah Posted February 4, 2012 Author Posted February 4, 2012 Sorry for taking a while to respond, life got busy. Thanks for the replies. I'm more than willing to consider the other person's suggestions and, true, it is best to have solutions in mind. And DenumChkn, sorry to hear that man. That does sound pretty brutal. As of now, things are still going alright. And I've never really suspected that she's going to break up with me (but hey, I've been wrong before). Strangely enough, I think she may like me more than I like her at this point. At this point, I've thought about breaking up just because it's sort of unexciting sometimes with her being unenergetic and her low libido (which is a new development). This may just be a Greg Kinnear and Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail Situation, or not. I suppose I'm just going to go until I know it's wrong or can't do it anymore and probably will bring up the issues that are bothering me a couple times before pulling the plug
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