Kage111 Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 So I dated this girl a few months ago, and when things started getting serious/physical she told me she wasn't ready for a relationship because she was so traumatized from her experience with her "abusive/controlling" ex. She then told me she'd like to remain "good friends" but that I shouldn't wait for her. Then she continued to call me up, go out to dinner with me, and generally appear as if we were a couple. She even got mad when I didn't think to invite her to my birthday thing with my friends saying she "of all people should be there" So I take another shot at the relationship thing and I get the same response as before. I then told her that I couldn't do this "friends" thing, and said good bye. I don't know if she didn't believe me or just didn't listen, but she kept calling me and asking me out, so I just started telling her that I was busy... Eventually the calls stopped and I got on with my life, but just a couple weeks ago, I was out drinking with my friends, and, by strange coincidence, she was at the same place with her friends. Since I know most of her friends I spent some time talking with them, not making eye contact with her... then she pulled me aside and asked me "Are we over?" As much I wanted to say "OF COURSE WE ARE" I just said "This is what you wanted..." and the alcohol got the better of us and we spent a lot of time off on our own, talking, with me holding her... just like a couple... which now all of our friends think we are again... ... then at the end of the night, she takes my phone and deletes her number... Finally... I think we're on the same page... Until less than a week later, she just starts texting and calling me again. Asking me how my day is going, asking if I have plans... This has been going on every single day, she texts me more now than when we were "dating," and I know she's just going to tell me she doesn't want a relationship again... I really like talking to her... because for some reason, I still really like her... but I know this isn't good for me, so how do I tell her to leave me alone without coming off as a complete jerk? ... le sigh...
TheFinalWord Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 I've been there. These are boomerang chicks...they come into your life, get you right to the edge of the relationship zone, then they're gone, and say something lame like "just friends"...REPEAT. Basically a vampire...suck your life, leave you drained and wait for you to recover so they can feed again. Do yourself a favor and tell her "no more of this, I have enough friends. I'm not doing time for another guy's crime. I want more than just friends. If you have nothing more to offer than we need to stop talking. Don't contact me unless you're serious about a relationship". You're basically a crutch for her insecurities; she's the one who is abusing you. She knows you'll always be there to give her an ego boost. She can appear and disappear and you'll always give in to her at her whim. You're basically a rebound without technically being a rebound...which is even worse. Once she's used you to help heal she'll get another guy.
phineas Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 ^^^^^^^ what he said. I just got rid of a chick like this. again. LOL! Both times she pulled the "I don't want a relationship" crap & wanted to hang out as just friends & go from there. I declined both times & both times she updated her POF profile stating she was looking for a relationship. This time around I told her this was her last chance to get with me. I now have her number set to a silent ringer & her txt message notifier is silent also. This way my phone knows it's her & doesn't notify me.
smokey bear Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 I honestly didnt think this happened in real life. Can i ask a question and im being serious, im not taking the piss or trying to be funny or patronising. How many times were you on and off before you finally gave up and walked away? and over how long a period of time eg months? Thanks id appreciate a response from each that posted here
wilsonx Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 I've been there. These are boomerang chicks...they come into your life, get you right to the edge of the relationship zone, then they're gone, and say something lame like "just friends"...REPEAT. Basically a vampire...suck your life, leave you drained and wait for you to recover so they can feed again. Do yourself a favor and tell her "no more of this, I have enough friends. I'm not doing time for another guy's crime. I want more than just friends. If you have nothing more to offer than we need to stop talking. Don't contact me unless you're serious about a relationship". You're basically a crutch for her insecurities; she's the one who is abusing you. She knows you'll always be there to give her an ego boost. She can appear and disappear and you'll always give in to her at her whim. You're basically a rebound without technically being a rebound...which is even worse. Once she's used you to help heal she'll get another guy. If you were a man, you wouldnt have to worry about anything because you could handle her without problem. These alpha females are my type of women. If you want a boring 9-5 woman, then stop looking at dating sites and go out to church events and meet someone more normal. If you want a real fire cracker, someone that will keep your life interesting, then this is the type of woman you need.
TheFinalWord Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 (edited) If you were a man, you wouldnt have to worry about anything because you could handle her without problem. These alpha females are my type of women. If you want a boring 9-5 woman, then stop looking at dating sites and go out to church events and meet someone more normal. If you want a real fire cracker, someone that will keep your life interesting, then this is the type of woman you need. Go for it! i didn't meet her on a dating website...real life. A girl who can't make up her mind isn't alpha IMHO. Does an alpha male who runs a company say "oh I don't know whether to invest in that project or not..." No, they make a decision and see it through. Indecisiveness is weak IMHO. And it makes sense b/c these types of women become this way b/c they have been burned in the past and now are insecure. If dating insecure female is your game then by all means! I'd rather have someone that can make up their mind, what I would like to call a woman... To the OP, I don't remember the amount of times. Enough that I got sick of the roller coaster. If you want to snag this girl and have the life sucked out of you by her emotionally draining behaviors then maybe wilsonx can enlighten us on how to "be a man". In all seriousness you are doing the right thing by acting like you don't care. This woman sounds insecure and doesn't trust men in general. That's not something you can fix. If you're just looking for a fling you can probably get it from her. Just know you're a rebound and she won't commit. If she hasn't committed by now, she most likely never will. Edited January 13, 2012 by TheFinalWord
Author Kage111 Posted January 13, 2012 Author Posted January 13, 2012 I honestly didnt think this happened in real life. Can i ask a question and im being serious, im not taking the piss or trying to be funny or patronising. How many times were you on and off before you finally gave up and walked away? and over how long a period of time eg months? Thanks id appreciate a response from each that posted here I was just as surprised that these kinds of girls exist too. I swear it seems like something out of a TV show it's so unreal... As for how long we've been on and off, I met her about a year ago and she immediately told everyone how good looking she thought I was and how much she wanted to date me. That's why her actions confuse me so much... It took me a few months to finally get the nerve to ask her out and then she just started getting really flaky, like canceling dates and dodging calls... like she only enjoyed the chase or something... It's hard to give a definitive "on/off" time since we never flat out said we were together, but I'm guessing we both assumed it at points... overall this whole thing has been going on for the last few months... And I was ready to walk away the first time she tried to break it off, and as soon as I did she begged me to stay
TheFinalWord Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 (edited) I was just as surprised that these kinds of girls exist too. I swear it seems like something out of a TV show it's so unreal... As for how long we've been on and off, I met her about a year ago and she immediately told everyone how good looking she thought I was and how much she wanted to date me. That's why her actions confuse me so much... It took me a few months to finally get the nerve to ask her out and then she just started getting really flaky, like canceling dates and dodging calls... like she only enjoyed the chase or something... It's hard to give a definitive "on/off" time since we never flat out said we were together, but I'm guessing we both assumed it at points... overall this whole thing has been going on for the last few months... And I was ready to walk away the first time she tried to break it off, and as soon as I did she begged me to stay There are a lot of these girls actually. The name is attention whore. Basically they just like to see how many guys they can get to chase them b/c it boosts their ego. They want the thrill of the relationship chase, but don't want the commitment b/c they either don't trust men in general or just like to play men. She may have liked you at one point, but now lost the feeling but likes to string you along for an ego boost. You can't rationalize these women b/c the behavior is immature. They are usually insecure. I know the type of women wilsonx is talking about. Alpha women are confident and usually professional women who are intelligent and independent. I like those women too. The women you're talking about are immature and have emotional baggage and like to play men for an ego boost. They use this as a "band aid" solution to help their emotional state. But it doesn't last b/c you have to heal from within not by using another person. Once they drain you they go to the next victim (believe me there is more than one guy she is stringing along) and circle back around to you once in a while to suck more life; which you willingly give if she just bats her eyelids or flirts. You can't fix it and you can't rationalize it. All you can do is be a man and not give your manhood to a woman. Don't let her walk on you! I'm not trying to be harsh, but just trying to help save you time and to be open to other women. It takes two people to have a relationship. Playing proverbial red light/green light with a girl is not healthy or a good way to start a relationship. Edited January 13, 2012 by TheFinalWord
Author Kage111 Posted January 13, 2012 Author Posted January 13, 2012 You can't fix it and you can't rationalize it. All you can do is be a man and not give your manhood to a woman. Don't let her walk on you! I'm not trying to be harsh, but just trying to help save you time and to be open to other women. It takes two people to have a relationship. Playing proverbial red light/green light with a girl is not healthy or a good way to start a relationship. Definitely what I need to hear, thanks. I just hope I can remember it when she calls me tomorrow... Gotta stop thinking about how good she could be and start noticing how terrible she actually is...
TheFinalWord Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 (edited) Definitely what I need to hear, thanks. I just hope I can remember it when she calls me tomorrow... Gotta stop thinking about how good she could be and start noticing how terrible she actually is... I know it's no fun and not easy. I would recommend telling her how you feel, that you want more than just friends, and then set boundaries. If it were me I would say stop contacting me unless you want a relationship. The main thing is sticking to the boundaries once you set them. Don't worry about being a jerk; she is the one being a jerk, not you. Your kind attitude is why she is doing this in the first place. She knows she can get away with it. The only hope you have is to cut contact and maybe she will see what she had and change her mind. One thing is she won't change her mind as long as she knows she can get away with her current behavior. I wouldn't hope on her changing her mind though. But if there is anyway that it could happen, cutting her off is it. What helped me get over it was to think about if you did get what you want and she did enter into a relationship with you. Okay, you know from her behavior she is a manipulator and an emotional wreck. Do you really want to deal with that? Deep down you don't. You know the truth deep down. Let your soul think and not your heart Keep focusing on that and not a fantasy world in which she is this great girlfriend; b/c reality is she would not be. Also recognize a lot of the desire is b/c you want something you cannot have. It's not even really her. The part of you she has shown you is terrible relationship material. Most of what you think about her is a fantasy you have concocted in your mind. There are a lot of women out there who are stable and fun to talk to that do want relationships. Focus your energy on them. Good luck bro! Edited January 13, 2012 by TheFinalWord video
wilsonx Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 (edited) There are a lot of these girls actually. The name is attention whore. Basically they just like to see how many guys they can get to chase them b/c it boosts their ego. They want the thrill of the relationship chase, but don't want the commitment b/c they either don't trust men in general or just like to play men. She may have liked you at one point, but now lost the feeling but likes to string you along for an ego boost. You can't rationalize these women b/c the behavior is immature. They are usually insecure. I know the type of women wilsonx is talking about. Alpha women are confident and usually professional women who are intelligent and independent. I like those women too. The women you're talking about are immature and have emotional baggage and like to play men for an ego boost. They use this as a "band aid" solution to help their emotional state. But it doesn't last b/c you have to heal from within not by using another person. Once they drain you they go to the next victim (believe me there is more than one guy she is stringing along) and circle back around to you once in a while to suck more life; which you willingly give if she just bats her eyelids or flirts. You can't fix it and you can't rationalize it. All you can do is be a man and not give your manhood to a woman. Don't let her walk on you! I'm not trying to be harsh, but just trying to help save you time and to be open to other women. It takes two people to have a relationship. Playing proverbial red light/green light with a girl is not healthy or a good way to start a relationship. What? Really? You are so wrong on this. That's why you are posting on a dating forum. These women that liked to be chased, also like to be caught. When they are ready, they will allow themselves to be caught. Read the OPS story, she wants to be caught, but he isnt chasing, she is. I know it's no fun and not easy. I would recommend telling her how you feel, that you want more than just friends, and then set boundaries. If it were me I would say stop contacting me unless you want a relationship. The main thing is sticking to the boundaries once you set them. Don't worry about being a jerk; she is the one being a jerk, not you. Your kind attitude is why she is doing this in the first place. She knows she can get away with it. The only hope you have is to cut contact and maybe she will see what she had and change her mind. One thing is she won't change her mind as long as she knows she can get away with her current behavior. I wouldn't hope on her changing her mind though. But if there is anyway that it could happen, cutting her off is it. What helped me get over it was to think about if you did get what you want and she did enter into a relationship with you. Okay, you know from her behavior she is a manipulator and an emotional wreck. Do you really want to deal with that? Deep down you don't. You know the truth deep down. Let your soul think and not your heart Keep focusing on that and not a fantasy world in which she is this great girlfriend; b/c reality is she would not be. Also recognize a lot of the desire is b/c you want something you cannot have. It's not even really her. The part of you she has shown you is terrible relationship material. Most of what you think about her is a fantasy you have concocted in your mind. There are a lot of women out there who are stable and fun to talk to that do want relationships. Focus your energy on them. Good luck bro! DONT TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL, let her Define the Relationship Really again? Let me tell you a little secret, everybody on this planet is a manipulator "If it were me I would say stop contacting me unless you want a relationship." This right here is manipulation. This isnt a boundary. A boundary is a non defensive, what you described is a wall. A better solution is saying "This is not working out, good luck" Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but before you label and judge, make sure you understand and I mean really understand the entire situation before throwing big words out and calling people manipulators Edited January 13, 2012 by wilsonx
TheFinalWord Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 (edited) Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but before you label and judge, make sure you understand LOL you're the one who judged me saying "If I was a man", questioning my manhood when you know nothing about me. One thing I am not going to do is argue on the internet (something a man would not waste time doing). And from what I can gather you're posting on a dating forum too and top me by over 2500 posts! I have been in this situation twice so I have some experience. I'm sharing how I handled it. If this is your type of woman maybe you can tell us the secret. I know refusing to allow someone to walk on me is not manipulative. It is me refusing to accept second class behavior. If you like playing games with these kind of girls, then by all means. Give specific advice to the OP so he can get this girl. All you've done is tear down my feedback but have not provided any specific feedback to the OP of your own. If you have nothing to add, take your own advice, don't judge me, and ignore my feedback if you don't like it! "This is not working out, good luck" Edited January 13, 2012 by TheFinalWord
azsinglegal Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 From a female's perspective, I have been this type of girl to a couple of men. The boomerang girl. I don't use them for an "ego boost" but I know that whenever I text them they'll always answer. Always want to see me or chat, etc. But I don't really want a relationship with them. I just use them for when I don't have anyone else and need a "filler" until the next guy I start dating. Yes I realize how this sounds, but I'm being brutally honest here. The reason is that at one point or another I considered a relationship with them, but then I saw something I knew wouldn't work for me so I backed down. But I like to keep them around for when I don't have anyone else. I know for a fact I have a few guys friends who do the same with me. There's always something between us, but never enough for a relationship. We like each other, but not enough to commit to anything. We don't have sex though so I wouldn't call it a FWB. If this is bothering you so much, then dump her and be done with it. Block her number. I can tell you she will always treat you this way and do this to you so you have to decide if you'll accept it or not. If you're looking for WHY she doesn't want a relationship with you - you'll have to ask her.
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