My GIGS experience, and consequences of my actions

[rob_h]

I know it's going to be a tough road... I'm undecided but NC is making me stronger.

 

Can I ask what stage you and your ex are at now? Just as I read your gigs experience a while back. Is he single?

[smokey bear]

Well I guess what I meant by that was when you have new guy chasing you and old guy (who you are presently less attracted to) on top of all that potential for singleness that you've been waiting for it is so easy to forget the intense love you felt for the ex when there are new infatuations in the way.

 

 

I was never fully committed to my rebound guy, since we were never official and I insisted to him that the reason I broke up with my ex was to be single. It annoyed me towards the end of rebound that he didn't want me to flirt with others. To me this is the same problem resurfacing. I NEED to live it up and be young. If I don't address this it will come back. And I'm taking this time now when my ex is unavailable to do just that. Luckily for me I have university life to distract me which is practically designed for sluttiness!

 

 

Can you explain what it is you need to experience?

 

Other men, travelling, what are you seeking?

[smokey bear]

I know it's going to be a tough road... I'm undecided but NC is making me stronger.

 

Can I ask what stage you and your ex are at now? Just as I read your gigs experience a while back. Is he single?

 

 

The best thing you can do is take this experience and chance of being alone to get whatever is in your system out.

 

 

Im stage 5 im on the other end of gigs, i have just worked out what i went through, who i am what i want.

 

Now im taking a break, my ex is stage 3 experiencing everything, but i think he is nearing the end but we can never be so sure, we bounce back and forth so much its hard to keep track of lol

 

You seem to have had your lightbulb moment, my ex hasnt yet.

[rob_h]

You seem to have had your lightbulb moment, my ex hasnt yet.

 

100%, I can see exactly what I did and why, and also the fact that my ex is at least acting like I did, is putting me through the exact situation I did to him and it's not pretty.

 

Do you think I'm aware of it now because I went through gigs whilst still with my ex?

 

Also one thing I really wanted to ask was how the hell did you cope/what got you through NC when your ex was with someone else?

[smokey bear]

100%, I can see exactly what I did and why, and also the fact that my ex is at least acting like I did, is putting me through the exact situation I did to him and it's not pretty.

 

 

No it certainly is not but im glad i went through it first and knew what to expect.

 

Do you think I'm aware of it now because I went through gigs whilst still with my ex?

 

You are aware of what you went through because you are near the end of it now, the fog has lifted.

 

You are aware of your ex because you recognise a pattern and have the abilty to put yourself in his shoes.

 

Also one thing I really wanted to ask was how the hell did you cope/what got you through NC when your ex was with someone else?

 

The one and only thing i recommend is a nc journal.

 

Use it, write nc day1, say how you feel, if you want to break nc write in that journal whatever it is you want to break nc and say. Sometimes you'll write 4 times a day, sometimes not at all.

 

You'll see how your emotions change over the day or days, when nc is broke you reflect back on it, its a written pattern. You see that in so and so days you'll feel better.

 

Nc caused me pain at the start, through time it brought me peace, its purpose evolves and changes.

 

I have been lucky, my ex breaks nc regularly, 3 weeks has been the max.

 

Like you did, they reach out to the x for support, help. We patch them up and they disappear again.

 

How long were you officially split from your ex and how long at the end were you alone before you had your lightbulb moment?

[Philosoraptor]

This quote right here makes me want to reach through my computer and punch you in the face for telling someone that they are settling when in fact, they learn unconditional love.

 

Youre an idiot. People like you that throw out the word immaturity or emotional immaturity are emotionally immature.

 

This story is about emotional growth, something you need to start doing.

 

If you do not understand a concept, ask questions. Nothing in love is logical. Thats why you are on this forum, because you are black and white and think love conforms to logic. It doesnt, it conforms to emotions and feelings.

 

Aggression is quite a silly emotion and it hurts the aggressor just as much if not more than the person they show the aggression against.

 

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned."

- Buddha

 

"In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves."

- Buddha

 

 

I have done quite the amount of emotional growth. You see, I have always been, and always willl be, a hopeless romantic. I run on my emotions and have done so in my relationships as well. My love has always been unconditional which is why I don't hold onto any sort of anger or resentment. Hers was not as she was not a very happy person within herself. Even though I believed for years things would change it never did and the leash got tighter. I kept giving slack as I did love her, even with her flaws.

 

Love is in no way logical as I could see even at the time that I was getting treated unfarily but my heart wouldn't let go and still believed she could find her happiness within herself. I'd say about 1.5 years into the relationship I noticed the issues looming and her inability to compromise. I held out hope for well over 3 more years and when I finally stood my ground she said she couldn't accept it. My love was very unconditional, hers was not. But I forgave her during the relationship and I hold no anger against her now. I hope she finds her peace inside and can have a future full of happiness. I had a couple of bad days but emotionally and logically I knew it was coming to an end as I could not commit to a life forever with one who couldn't compromise. But I did purchase a home with her and have my entire future planned as I am quite the romantic and full of love, happiness, and faith in her.

 

I have healed myself and will love the same unconditonal way again. But I can use the logic I've always had (the one that knew things wern't right in my past) and have the deep conversation between what my heart wants and what my brain knows is right. I hold onto no anger and I continue to live a happy and optimistic life.

 

I hope you find your inner peace wilson. As I've said before, I think you're a very smart and decent person who is in much pain. Could I be wrong? Sure, there is only so much one can grasp over the internet. But you show anger so easily and it hurts ourselves much more than just letting things go. Each second spent in any negative emotion is one we will never get back.

 

"Our life is shaped by our mind; we become what we think. Suffering follows an evil thought as the wheels of a cart follow the oxen that draws it. Our life is shaped by our mind; we become what we think. Joy follows a pure thought like a shadow that never leaves."

- Buddha

[rob_h]

The one and only thing i recommend is a nc journal.

 

Use it, write nc day1, say how you feel, if you want to break nc write in that journal whatever it is you want to break nc and say. Sometimes you'll write 4 times a day, sometimes not at all.

 

You'll see how your emotions change over the day or days, when nc is broke you reflect back on it, its a written pattern. You see that in so and so days you'll feel better.

 

Nc caused me pain at the start, through time it brought me peace, its purpose evolves and changes.

 

I have been lucky, my ex breaks nc regularly, 3 weeks has been the max.

 

Like you did, they reach out to the x for support, help. We patch them up and they disappear again.

 

How long were you officially split from your ex and how long at the end were you alone before you had your lightbulb moment?

 

Yeah, I was thinking of starting one, should I put it on here? I think it would probably help.

 

Thinking back on it, he never really did NC when I was GIGsing, I think there was one week where we happened to be NC and the rest was LC. I think maybe my lightbulb moment started when I realised how strongly I still felt for my ex after my gigs guy but it fully developed when I 'lost' him to this new girl. Before this girl and before the week when I came home I reflected deeply on how much hurt I caused him and remember being SO grateful for this second go at things... Like unbelievably thankful. Which is why it crushed me so hard when he told me about the new girl.

 

The way I look at it is he was maybe trying so hard to get me back, then finally when I came back it was all too easy? I'm not sure. But basically up until my return he had been getting on with single life and sowing his oats. I don't think he is done with that. Whilst he's in this relationship with her he is still telling his single friends how jealous he is of them. I think he likes the comfort of a relationship but at the moment wants his cake and eat it, pretty much like what I was with my GIGS guy; unsure whether to fully commit.

[RecordProducer]

Hon, you're so young and need a lot more time before making up you rmind about who your true love is. It's okay to want to experience life before you settle down. You're only 21! Just 4 years ago, you were still a child. This guy is your first love, your HS sweetheart. You've moved on in your life, and you have no idea today where you're going to be tomorrow.

 

You didn't really want this guy when he was yours, but once you saw him getting distant, you regained interest in him. And when he finally entered a new relationship, you suddenly had a lightbulb that he's the one for you. This is normal. We've all been or are going through this want-what-you-can't-have syndrome. I guarantee you, if you got back together, you would feel restless about your relationship again. This guy is not the one. You'll meet the one when the sun and the moon and the stars conspire to have you meet him. You're rushing things because you need love and you think you have to choose among the men that you know today. Wait to see what tomorrow brings. Live your life. Forget the "I wanted to be single" idea. What's the point of labeling your wishes? Meet new people and if you like someone, date them, get into exclusive relationships, fall in love.

 

Your syndrome is "I've only had two relationships and I have to choose between those two." Your ex moved on and found someone else. You were moving on too, and now suddenly decided to stop and go back to someone from your past. I don't know why, but at your age we think a lot about going back to exes or turning existing friends into lovers, probably out of fear that we'll never meet anyone better. But you will. Is your ex going to school also?

 

These things tell me that you were not really in love with your ex, just like you told him.

Since this was during my new relationship I was completely adamant that I did not want him back, and that ‘maybe one day in future’ it could happen and ‘I love you but am not in love with you’ and ‘please don’t forget about us’ basically I was bread-crumbing him up big time, I just couldn’t stop myself/see what I was doing to him.

 

When I went to uni I barely thought about my ex. I was in a new place with new friends and a new things to get used to.

I did miss my rebound guy though,

I was excited to see my rebound guy

 

I think the time away from both him and my ex made me realise who I actually missed more.

This doesn't mean you should be with a guy you didn't really miss just because you missed him more than the other guy.

 

Suddenly all I wanted was my ex back. A few days after rebound guy left I proclaimed to one of my uni friends (who knows about my situation) “I am going to marry [ex]!!”

... and you thought he would be waiting for you forever. But he didn't. If you were the one for him, he would've been in love with you and dating you - not someone new. Now you want him back, but you want him in reserve. You want to know that he's going to be there when you're ready to settle down- and you'll decide then if he's the one.

 

I remember saying “I’ve tried to be with other people, but it’s just not the same…”

You didn't have time to try with other people. You only had one quasi-relationship and maybe a few flings, I don't know. You need to experience a few more serious relationships before getting married. There's no need to rush things.

to which he enthusiastically agreed and mentioned that “we will be together soon, I know it”. At this point I still had doubts about how soon we should get back together, as I wanted to know for sure that my GIGS feelings wouldn’t come back, so I agreed with his statement and said something along the lines of “soon, not just yet but soon”.

Clearly, as soon as he shows that he's there for you, you back off. If he came to you today and said he wanted to be with you, you'd probably tell him the same thing: "soon, but not just yet."

 

“Hi [pet name] I meant to call you this evening. I’ve met someone else, and I really would like you to be happy for me. Hope you’re ok though, and I would really like to stay friends xx”

 

He believes his feelings for her are totally genuine and is in denial that she is rebounding like crazy (which is pretty obvious even from an outsiders point of view just given the time scale). They have just recently made it fb official. He has also fed me all of the classic lines which I recognised from myself earlier this year "I love you as a friend", "we don't know whats going to happen in the future"

Honey, YOU are the one in denial. He likes this new girl and he is happy with her. The sooner you realize that the sooner you will be ready for a new love. Whether this girl is right for him or not is none of your concern. Don't hope for their breakup so you can have him back, because when he breaks up with her and DOESN'T come back to you, you'll be even more disappointed. Maybe he was still in love with you when you visited but then he met someone new and now he's into her.

 

I'm more looking for advice from people who actually believe in the GIGS/immaturity stages)

So, you want people to tell you that he has gigs and he's coming back for sure. How would you feel if everybody on this forum told you that? Would that bring him back? Would you be happy spending every day of your life with him?

Really interesting points, thanks for your input and for reading through! I prefer to look at it like I didn't realise quite how much he fulfilled me until I explored other options, which in essence was the entire reason for splitting up and indeed GIGS; seeing what else was out there. I completely see how I was returning to what is comfortable and I can see how I was not ready for a relationship even then.

I was dating a guy since age 16 and left him before I went to study far away, thinking he's not the one for me anyway. I dated a few guys and never thought about my ex while he was writing me love letters. Then I suddenly decided I loved him, he proposed to me on the phone on my birthday and I said yed. I returned home and a couple months later, I broke up with him forever. To make a long story,I realized he was definitely not the rightguy for me. But what was really weird was when I strated dating the man that later became my husband, I completely realized how dumb, low class, ignorant, stubborn, selfish, uncompromising, lazy, dirty (hated to take showers and shave) my ex-BF was. I needed a new guy to see my ex in his real light. But, I could've met someone even creepier than my ex which would've made him look good.

 

Bottom line is we leave people for a reason and we don't always have to know the exact or all of the reasons involved. True love doesn'tend for gigsor trying out new things or going to study abroad. If this guy wereyour true love, you two would've never broken up in the first place. He did loveyou very much at some point, but he's in a happy new relationship now. And you will be, too. Maybe not just yet, but soon.

 

he has launched himself into this relationship with her, telling me that she is definitely what he wants

And you should believe him.

 

Additionally after our breakup in May he met a girl the following day and started dating her immediately while still pining after me, essentially lying to both of us...

Well, this was in May, now it's 7 months later.

 

I don't think he has properly thought about it to be honest with you, he has just jumped straight into the nearest most available distraction.

Distraction from what? You?

 

In a way it's ok, because I wouldn't expect him to commit to me again without fully experiencing someone else its just very disorientating.

Because you're orienting yourself on the wrong map. You can't see the intersection that says you and him will be together and it makes you angry. You should find your own path in love and let him be. He asked you to be happy for him. He's not doing this to get back at you for leaving him. He toldyou his feelings for his new GF are genuine. There's nothing in your story that points to him still wanting to be with you. You're looking for things from the past, before he met this girl, and base your hopes on his feelings which don't exist anymore. You're also hoping that he will soon realize that this girl is not good enough for him. It doesn't matter that she broke up with her ex 3 weeks before she hooked upwith your ex. She's only 18, she doesn't need years, she wasn't married with kids to her ex. You're focusing on the wrong things. Your ex likes her and they are together. That's the only thing that matters.

 

Its very confusing to try and work it out when you have attention thrown at you from all angles; you pick the newest shiniest thing.

Are you talking about yourself? If yes, why do you think you won't feel like that about him again if you got back together?

 

I'm just worried he will turn into a relationship hopper rather than focussing on himself

Why are you worried? How is it your business? You're worried because you want him to be alone, get tired of being lonely, and jump back to you to avoid loneliness. Is that why? You think if he has a distraction all the time that he'll never realize he should go back to you. I know this feeling, you think I haven't felt the same way about my ex-husband? I thought he'd miss me and come back. I thought if he found someone new, he'll get disappointed and come back. But now, all I care about is that he is not choosing to be with me today, which means if he ever comes around, I will not be his first choice. The days when I was his first choice are gone. Dead.

 

 

I believe in immaturity but also in logic.

 

You couldn't have been truly fulfilled by your ex so you explored other options. The options you saw wern't what you wanted so you decided to go back to what is comfortable. This is common and many people do it as many fear that they will not do better than what was comfortable when their next relationship doesn't work out.

This is a very wise summary of what's going on.

 

 

All I asked was why you thought it was unconditional love,

PP, you should only ask questions when you know you'll get an answer.

 

it is so easy to forget the intense love you felt for the ex when there are new infatuations in the way.

But you broke up with him because you sought new infatuations.

 

Luckily for me I have university life to distract me which is practically designed for sluttiness!

Sleeping around is not going to give you experience in life, love or people. Those encounters are empty and only make you lonelier because you realize that you mean nothing to those men and they mean nothing to you. Allowyourselfto fall in love with someone new.

 

Now im taking a break, my ex is stage 3 experiencing everything, but i think he is nearing the end but we can never be so sure, we bounce back and forth so much its hard to keep track of lol

You seem to have had your lightbulb moment, my ex hasnt yet.

I'm sorry, are you talking about your ex going coming to a phase where he wants to be with you again? If yes, how do you know it will happen at all? He doesn't want it now, right?

[wilsonx]

I do have a few though, did you ever say I am in a relationship with the rebound guy. How long did that last in total? What was the time frame from you saying wow hes not for me until you told your friend you were going to marry your ex?

[rob_h]

To the fat-off thread above:

 

I didn't need an in-depth analysis about how I chose to put down my experience in words. Only I know the extent of it. You can analyse my words all you like, but you are patronising me like I have never been patronised before. Yes 4 years ago I was a "child" yes I have grown up a lot in the last 4 years. Yes I need to get on with life. I AM NOT WAITING FOR HIM. I'm not sat in my room crying by myself, I am out there, meeting people, spending time with friends and yes I am open to a new relationship.

[rob_h]

I do have a few though, did you ever say I am in a relationship with the rebound guy. How long did that last in total? What was the time frame from you saying wow hes not for me until you told your friend you were going to marry your ex?

 

 

I never ever said we were in a relationship. Technically we were seeing each other but I explicitly said on a number of occasions I didn't want anything serious with a title. I knew how casual I was being towards him and knew my attraction would probably go out like a light, which it did.

 

I started texting him in June/started dating in August.

 

I guess I told my friend (btw it was an exaggeration/joke) about a week after I had given it some thought after the rebound guy ended his visit.

[rob_h]

You didn't really want this guy when he was yours, but once you saw him getting distant, you regained interest in him.

You don't understand GIGS.

And when he finally entered a new relationship, you suddenly had a lightbulb that he's the one for you.

My lightbulb came before he was with her, this just exacerbated things.

 

This is normal. We've all been or are going through this want-what-you-can't-have syndrome. I guarantee you, if you got back together, you would feel restless about your relationship again.

I know this, and it's why I'm addressing the issue now.

This guy is not the one. You'll meet the one when the sun and the moon and the stars conspire to have you meet him.

What are you talking about?

 

Your syndrome is "I've only had two relationships and I have to choose between those two." Your ex moved on and found someone else. You were moving on too, and now suddenly decided to stop and go back to someone from your past.

Jumping onto someone else who is giving you attention is not how I would define 'moving on'. This is what I mean by distraction. It is an infatuation which takes over and forces your ex out of your head.

 

I don't know why, but at your age we think a lot about going back to exes or turning existing friends into lovers, probably out of fear that we'll never meet anyone better. But you will. Is your ex going to school also?

He is not at school. I don't see what this has to do with anything, he works full time.

 

... and you thought he would be waiting for you forever. But he didn't. If you were the one for him, he would've been in love with you and dating you - not someone new.

Are you saying he doesn't love me and didn't mean it when he told me? If he did mean it when he told me, how do you define his new relationship? You believe he could just switch these feelings off?

 

 

You didn't have time to try with other people. You only had one quasi-relationship and maybe a few flings, I don't know. You need to experience a few more serious relationships before getting married. There's no need to rush things.

I did not mean it seriously when I said I was going to marry him, I was illustrating to my friend the amount of love I felt for him at that moment in time. I like to exaggerate with my sense of humour.

But what was really weird was when I strated dating the man that later became my husband, I completely realized how dumb, low class, ignorant, stubborn, selfish, uncompromising, lazy, dirty (hated to take showers and shave) my ex-BF was.

Wow, 'low class'? That's low. Did you ever love your ex? I'm pretty sure love transcends showers and class.

 

I needed a new guy to see my ex in his real light. But, I could've met someone even creepier than my ex which would've made him look good.

And then what? What if you had gone out with a total low life? You'd be back on your ex?

 

Why are you worried? How is it your business? You're worried because you want him to be alone, get tired of being lonely, and jump back to you to avoid loneliness. Is that why?

You assume I am THAT childish that I would wish loneliness on him? I care deeply about him. He is my best friend. If he was genuinely happy with her I would be happy for him. The point is he's not happy. He is confused, he has told his friends this himself. And if he tells them he is no longer confused, I will gladly accept this.

 

You think if he has a distraction all the time that he'll never realize he should go back to you. I know this feeling, you think I haven't felt the same way about my ex-husband?

I'm not even going to comment on the fact that the guy you married is now also an ex.

[RecordProducer]

 

What are you talking about?

I was talking about fate. You go out and meet the love of your life.

 

Jumping onto someone else who is giving you attention is not how I would define 'moving on'. This is what I mean by distraction. It is an infatuation which takes over and forces your ex out of your head.

Why do you assume that his feelings for this girl are not genuine? Obviouslyyou see her as a threat to force you out of his head, but if you were his true love, he would've been now with you, not her. He told you she's what he wants and you can be just friends. Remember, this was the guy who was willing to commit to you, but you have to accept that he is not willing anymore. If the next infatuation can throw your ex out of your head, then the love wasn't really there when the new infatuation came along.

 

 

He is not at school. I don't see what this has to do with anything, he works full time.

So, you're working on your college degree but he never went to college? It has to do with some things - possibly.

 

 

Are you saying he doesn't love me and didn't mean it when he told me? If he did mean it when he told me, how do you define his new relationship? You believe he could just switch these feelings off?

He told you he loved you before he met her. After he met her, he told you completely different things. Yes, we are capable of switching feelings especially when they're replaced by something else.

 

Wow, 'low class'? That's low. Did you ever love your ex? I'm pretty sure love transcends showers and class.

You know, you don't have to talk back at me. If you disagree with my opinion, ignore it. Yes, dumping that guy was a smart thing I did and frankly, if he sounds like a great guy to you, you're more than welcome to have him.

 

 

And then what? What if you had gone out with a total low life? You'd be back on your ex?

No, but I wouldn't have realized that there were men who were much better than he was.

 

You assume I am THAT childish that I would wish loneliness on him? I care deeply about him. He is my best friend. If he was genuinely happy with her I would be happy for him. The point is he's not happy. He is confused, he has told his friends this himself. And if he tells them he is no longer confused, I will gladly accept this.

I don't think you wish him loneliness and don't care about him. You want him back and you said yourself that he should be alone - but then added that he can't be alone because he's afraid of loneliness. You want everyone to agree with you that what he did is so inherently wrong: found someone new after he was single for a few months.

I'm not even going to comment on the fact that the guy you married is now also an ex.

You're a very negative, angry person, kid. I told you my opinion in an attempt to help you and at worst, I could be wrong. And you're trying to insult me because you don't like my opinion. If you were like this with your ex, maybe he just found someone he likes more than he liked you.

[PelicanPete]

Are you saying he doesn't love me and didn't mean it when he told me? If he did mean it when he told me, how do you define his new relationship? You believe he could just switch these feelings off?

 

It's like this..

 

it is so easy to forget the intense love you felt for the ex when there are new infatuations in the way.

 

 

You should know that, you've been there done that.

 

It's starting to look that either you both forgot about your love for eachother (?) or you both really don't love each other as much as you thought.

[RecordProducer]

You should know that, you've been there done that.

It's starting to look that either you both forgot about your love for eachother (?) or you both really don't love each other as much as you thought.

I think you're missing her point. This is exactly what she is telling us all along: that her ex truly loves her, but the new infatuation has destracted him - and she thinks this is what happened to her, as well. She believes that you can deeply love someone and yet be easily distracted by a new infatuation.

 

And you're trying to convince her that if a new infatuation can erase the old love for a while, that the love was not that strong. Or am I missing your point?

[smokey bear]

ROB H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Stop justifying yourself.

 

Ive seen this time and time again, it keeps going until it is a gigs debate and the thread is sidetracked.

 

I suggest you ignore and concentrate on what it is you are looking for by posting on ls.

[RecordProducer]

ROB H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Stop justifying yourself.

Smokey, I asked you a question a couple posts ago, just out of curiosity. Can you answer it please?

[smokey bear]

Smokey, I asked you a question a couple posts ago, just out of curiosity. Can you answer it please?

 

 

No, you and I do not share the same view on this subject, i wont be answering any of your questions because i do not believe it is honestly done out of trying to understand.

 

I mean no offence but i wont be corresponding with you.

[rob_h]

ROB H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Stop justifying yourself.

 

Ive seen this time and time again, it keeps going until it is a gigs debate and the thread is sidetracked.

 

I suggest you ignore and concentrate on what it is you are looking for by posting on ls.

 

 

It's fine, I'm done justifying myself and I knew it would turn into this. I'm getting responses on here from people who do not believe in GIGS who think they understand me and my thoughts better than I do.

 

Thank you, I would like to resume to what I'm here for; understanding and personal growth.

 

Sorry Record producer, I'm not angry I just got the impression I was being majorly patronised (Hon, you're young etc.) as if I don't know my age. I'm sorry, and I don't want this to turn into a slanging match. I totally understand your viewpoint as someone with more life experience than me, but I don't need to be put in my place and told to move on. Let me re-iterate I'm trying to move on. Maybe I would like to get to a point where I don't care if he's in a relationship or not.

 

And in answer to your question again RP, I don't believe his feelings are genuine for this girl as he was happy to cuddle me and try it on with me on holiday (whilst he was seeing her). I was the one who had to tell him this wasn't fair on me. His actions did not match his words.

 

Now please tell me the relevance of my college degree, I'm genuinely interested in why this matters?

[BoredAgain]

Bottom line is we leave people for a reason and we don't always have to know the exact or all of the reasons involved. True love doesn'tend for gigsor trying out new things or going to study abroad. If this guy wereyour true love, you two would've never broken up in the first place. He did loveyou very much at some point, but he's in a happy new relationship now. And you will be, too. Maybe not just yet, but soon

 

 

Yes, people dump people for a reason... but sometimes it's a bad reason. After realizing this error, it's perfectly sensible for a dumper to attempt to reconcile. And it sounds like this is what "Roberta" was trying to do. Unfortunately, in many instances (perhaps hers) the damage has already been done and the ship has sailed.

 

Surely you've had similar experiences in other areas of your life... we all make poor or irrational decisions. For example, some people quit their job to seek a new career only to realize later that their previous career was actually pretty good. Or some people move away, later realizing that they miss their friends and family more than they had expected.

 

You can deeply care about somebody and still make mistakes. Plenty of people break-up and get back together. And, contrary to what you suggest, the initial break-up doesn't mean that they never had "true love" (though that term makes me cringe), it just means they are human

[smokey bear]

Sorry Record producer, I'm not angry I just got the impression I was being majorly patronised (Hon, you're young etc.) as if I don't know my age. I'm sorry, and I don't want this to turn into a slanging match. I totally understand your viewpoint as someone with more life experience than me

 

Oh she's got plenty of that alright, read her thread history and you'll maybe understand why i refuse to respond her and i why you shouldnt justify yourself to her.

 

 

 

 

@ boredagain, your stuff rocks lately, very well put.

[RecordProducer]

i wont be answering any of your questions because i do not believe it is honestly done out of trying to understand.

Okay, since you wouldn't answer my question, I had to quench my curiosity by reading your story. I read your initial thread and LOVED it. I wouldn't necessarily label it as GIGS, I think there are plenty of typical relationship issues involved - the same things that most of us experience - essentially based on lack of mutual understanding, bad communication, etc. and one of the things is indeed believing that there's greener grass out there. In any case, I liked how you analyzed your major events, but I won't make this thread about you, so I am stopping here. Maybe I'll post in your threads... just to mess with ya.

[leoc1973]

Roberta(rob h) and smokey. OK I have been on here a long time and my ex i really believe went through gigs. I kept saying but this is me and "us" how could she do this and not want me? If you read any of my posts from the past I treated her very well and she really did appreciate it.

 

I guess I will try to explain it from the guys point of view. I have recently met someone new. After going out with maybe 20 women and sleeping with a few of them it kept only making me miss my ex more and more. Then I met this new girl. Instant butterflies and I feel just very drawn to her. I never thought I would feel this way again about a woman because I was just so resentful about what my ex put me through. I met this girl by accident and she just takes my breath away I can't wait to see her and I really feel that I am falling in love with her.

 

Now guess what my ex has been coming back around again. Yep it always happens. She hasn't said anything yet about her and I getting back together but I can just tell that is what she want.

 

From a guys point of view and someone who has now recovered I guess what I feel when I look at my ex or a picture of her is almost disgust, my ex is a very beautiful girl and when I see her she just looks somehow ugly to me. You know when you see a very stunning woman and she is a total shallow bitch you just look at her and somehow find her really unattractive. Well this is now how I feel about my ex. While I look at her in this way of disgust on a more internal level I have no feelings for her at all like complete indifference.

 

In the beginning all I could think of is her sleeping with someone else and picturing it and how horrible it made me feel and now you could tell me that she is with a new guy every night and I could really care less. I don't know if its because someone else is rapidly taking my heart or if maybe when a guy starts to have regular sex with someone new that the feelings for our ex goes away but I don't feel anything.

 

If my ex went complete nc and found someone new I probably would never talk to her again and not really care about it. I don't really know what advice to give you because I think that you might have to just move on. I used to look foreword to the next time I would see her like nothing else mattered but now I almost would avoid it just because I am hoping that she doesn't try to rekindle things with me.

 

I don't know if maybe the new girl broke my heart if I would refocus on my ex but at this point if she went nc I wouldn't care and if she kept coming around it would annoy me. I am sorry because I know that it really isn't the young womans fault for feeling that way and needing to go out and explore but at the same time I can't help what my feelings have turned to either. It really is just a horrible situation that two people who were so in love could come to this point. I guess maybe next time you feel gigs with a new guy you might wanna power through it if you have a really good catch because there are a million other women out there who would love to snatch them up.

[smokey bear]

Just a little note to say, beware who you talk to and what you put in pm's, some people have no respect for your privacy and pass about the information,

 

 

@ Record producer, do as you see fit, i have no control over you and dont seek it either.

[rob_h]

Roberta(rob h) and smokey. OK I have been on here a long time and my ex i really believe went through gigs. I kept saying but this is me and "us" how could she do this and not want me? If you read any of my posts from the past I treated her very well and she really did appreciate it.

 

I guess I will try to explain it from the guys point of view. I have recently met someone new. After going out with maybe 20 women and sleeping with a few of them it kept only making me miss my ex more and more. Then I met this new girl. Instant butterflies and I feel just very drawn to her. I never thought I would feel this way again about a woman because I was just so resentful about what my ex put me through. I met this girl by accident and she just takes my breath away I can't wait to see her and I really feel that I am falling in love with her.

 

Now guess what my ex has been coming back around again. Yep it always happens. She hasn't said anything yet about her and I getting back together but I can just tell that is what she want.

 

From a guys point of view and someone who has now recovered I guess what I feel when I look at my ex or a picture of her is almost disgust, my ex is a very beautiful girl and when I see her she just looks somehow ugly to me. You know when you see a very stunning woman and she is a total shallow bitch you just look at her and somehow find her really unattractive. Well this is now how I feel about my ex. While I look at her in this way of disgust on a more internal level I have no feelings for her at all like complete indifference.

 

In the beginning all I could think of is her sleeping with someone else and picturing it and how horrible it made me feel and now you could tell me that she is with a new guy every night and I could really care less. I don't know if its because someone else is rapidly taking my heart or if maybe when a guy starts to have regular sex with someone new that the feelings for our ex goes away but I don't feel anything.

 

If my ex went complete nc and found someone new I probably would never talk to her again and not really care about it. I don't really know what advice to give you because I think that you might have to just move on. I used to look foreword to the next time I would see her like nothing else mattered but now I almost would avoid it just because I am hoping that she doesn't try to rekindle things with me.

 

I don't know if maybe the new girl broke my heart if I would refocus on my ex but at this point if she went nc I wouldn't care and if she kept coming around it would annoy me. I am sorry because I know that it really isn't the young womans fault for feeling that way and needing to go out and explore but at the same time I can't help what my feelings have turned to either. It really is just a horrible situation that two people who were so in love could come to this point. I guess maybe next time you feel gigs with a new guy you might wanna power through it if you have a really good catch because there are a million other women out there who would love to snatch them up.

 

 

Really interesting post Leoc. I have worried that my ex has felt the way you do a number of times...

 

Have you/her been in NC or LC or what? And she didn't come back before you met this chick did she?