phineas Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 Sing, As someone who recently went through this, I can assure you that his apologies are for getting caught. The excuses, while plausible, are just that. Excuses. He is still looking. Occam's Razor. It's the simplest explanation. My guy went back online after we had the exclusivity talk. Multiple times. He had excuses, and he even fudged a little because he didn't know waht I knew before I told him that I didn't think we were on teh same page and that we should go our separate ways. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Several weeks later, he found an excuse to ask for "space" and went right back online the same night. Had I listened to my instincts first, I would have been able to walk away without too much confusion. He's still looking. And if you think differently, it's because you don't want to believe it. yep,yep,yep. Op, he thinks he has you locked down so now he's going to look for his next piece.
imfromhoiland Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 It's really interesting if you look at the responses on here based on gender. A lot of the guys are saying it's understandable, that it could be insecurity, not intentionally hurtful and they understand the man's point of view in this scenario, though not necessarily agreeing with it. The women on here say dump him, he's not worth it, etc. Not to minimize the female's opinions, but you're trying to gain perspective here, so maybe I'd look into a little more about what the guys are saying? I'm a guy, and I don't think it's worth dumping over. As previously stated, you're talking about how you're unable to trust him, yet you showed a lack of trust by checking up on his profile? Seems a bit hypocritical. My opinion, give him another chance, but don't forget, and be a little weary. Question for you, do you really want to be with this guy, incident aside? It almost looks like you're trying to find an excuse to break this off. Before this incident happened, if he stopped talking to you abruptly, how hurt would you have been? This could be good insight to see how much you actually wanted to be with him and whether or not you are using this as an excuse, or deflecting guilt, in order to break it off.
phineas Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 It's really interesting if you look at the responses on here based on gender. A lot of the guys are saying it's understandable, that it could be insecurity, not intentionally hurtful and they understand the man's point of view in this scenario, though not necessarily agreeing with it. The women on here say dump him, he's not worth it, etc. Not to minimize the female's opinions, but you're trying to gain perspective here, so maybe I'd look into a little more about what the guys are saying? I'm a guy, and I don't think it's worth dumping over. As previously stated, you're talking about how you're unable to trust him, yet you showed a lack of trust by checking up on his profile? Seems a bit hypocritical. My opinion, give him another chance, but don't forget, and be a little weary. Question for you, do you really want to be with this guy, incident aside? It almost looks like you're trying to find an excuse to break this off. Before this incident happened, if he stopped talking to you abruptly, how hurt would you have been? This could be good insight to see how much you actually wanted to be with him and whether or not you are using this as an excuse, or deflecting guilt, in order to break it off. I'm a guy. I say dump him. well I agree'd with someone who said dump him. If I were dating a woman & she did this, she'd be gone. Actually I was dating a woman who did this & she did go, without warning, however my gut told me something shady was going on & it was right. There is absolutely no logical explanation for why someone is updating the pictures on a dating profile unless they plan to use it for dating. Honestly, regardless of what op's guy says or anyone in this thread, why do people update dating profile pictures? The simplest explanation is usually the correct one.
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 When he heard you say that the new photos were so much better than the ones on his dating profile, he thought "Hmmm...so I was able to attract this great girl even with those old subpar photos...I bet I could do even better if I posted these new and improved photos...let's find out!" It would not sit well with me. I'd dump him.
chryssy83 Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 I dated a guy who cheated on me all over the place and he made excuses like your guy for his poor behavior all the time. Dump him. If he's doing this now, he is goin to cheat. And I agree that the only reason to update your dating profile is because you are still looking.
2sunny Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 IF you continue seeing him - is he willing to see you without the sex? It's terribly hard to feel completely intimate with someone when he's broken the trust. The fact that he felt a certain way and DIDN'T simply talk to you about how he felt - and is now using it as his excuse really sucks! I guess in the future - you can expect that when he's not happy - to NOT tell you - and use it as an excuse to go behind your back and betray you... Then blame you for not knowing when he didn't tell you. I wouldn't have sex with him - that's for sure. Trust is EARNED - he blew it big time!
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 The more the day goes on...the more I am convinced it's over. I feel like when I asked him about it last night...he said he didn't think about it and blah blah blah. Then today it's a different story....and while I do think he is insecure...I don't feel like I can trust him now. Even if he did think I was pulling away....who goes out and updates their profile because of it?!?! Someone who is immature. He sent me an email today explaining everything and he is supposed to call me later on tonight. I just feel like I am too old for all this crap. Whatever happened to being mature and respectful in relationships? Seriously... If I was this guy I would give you 1 apology, and not for what I did, but instead for not considering how you would take it. If you can't get over it... who wants to deal with that kind of woman in a relationship. Basically, you want to know if he has been contacting other women. Right? Call him and ask for his username and password. If he delays you too much or flat out refuses... you know he is up to no good. If he gives you the password, jump into it and take a quick look at his sent messages. The truth will be right there. Don't drag this out like a jerk holding it over his head. Give him 1 shot to clear his name, and then move on... putting this behind you whatever the outcome.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/do-you-stay-or-do-you-go/ Please read this.
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 Seriously... If I was this guy I would give you 1 apology, and not for what I did, but instead for not considering how you would take it. If you can't get over it... who wants to deal with that kind of woman in a relationship. Basically, you want to know if he has been contacting other women. Right? Call him and ask for his username and password. If he delays you too much or flat out refuses... you know he is up to no good. If he gives you the password, jump into it and take a quick look at his sent messages. The truth will be right there. Don't drag this out like a jerk holding it over his head. Give him 1 shot to clear his name, and then move on... putting this behind you whatever the outcome. Great idea. Do this!!!
FitChick Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 (edited) It's not like he actually went on a date with a woman or had sex with her. Problems crop up in real relationships and you need to prioritize and compromise. My friend was dating a guy exclusively but felt something was not quite right. She found out he was windsurfing with some other woman although nothing had come of it yet. She didn't let on that she knew about it but suggested that maybe they had taken things a bit too fast, she was unsure and suggested they both start dating others. She was shocked when he burst into tears and confessed and begged her not to leave. They eventually got married. Some men need a kick up the pants like that so they can learn what is important to them. This might be the sort of shock your boyfriend needs so I think you should give him another chance. Let him know that you will not be as close as you were before until you feel you can trust him again. He will either step up to the plate or become more insecure and bail out for fear you will dump him later. This whole story reminds me of another formerly fat boy who was insecure and when his wife's career kept them apart for long periods, he filed for divorce which stunned her. We don't know if Russell Brand and Katy Perry will go through with the divorce. Edited January 13, 2012 by FitChick
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 Wow, surprised this post is still going. Anyway what is important here is not the fact that he apologizes or even what efforts he makes to clear his name. The fact of the matter is this is a clear action of someone not taking the relationship they are currently in seriously, nor respecting the person. Posting up new pics is a clear sign of willingness and interest, whether he's insecure or not is irrelevant. In the big picture it all leads to the same road, and that's either cheating or willing to with the right person or the next best thing. I'm actually surprised at how quickly he did this, being that based on what you are saying he should be at the moment sucked into you to a certain degree, but he's already taking his time to look for other women or at least attract them in case things don't work with you. So the main issue is not what he does from this point on, but like a detective it's a common step among men who are interested in more, and they don't have to wait to for the result because they've seen this happen to many times. Trying to argue and apologize your way out of it just shows how he feels guilty about being caught, If his intentions or motives were innocent he would have had a different reaction.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 This whole story reminds me of another formerly fat boy who was insecure and when his wife's career kept them apart for long periods, he filed for divorce which stunned her. We don't know if Russell Brand and Katy Perry will go through with the divorce. I read an article that states they were struggling to get along... and he stands to gain $37 million. Look, these marriages NEVER last. Russell knows that... and this is probably the best time to bail. With 37 mil he can get 10 women that are just as good, and he wont have to put up with the Diva complex.
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 My boyfriend was considering other options after he asked me to be exclusive. It wasn't via OLD, but couple of real life girls were interested in him. He seriously gave it some thought (and at that time distanced himself from me for a few days). I found this out via snooping through his e-mail and sensing the distance. He never went on a date with either of them but the fact that he was thinking about it really bugged me. I decided to dump him over it. He begged and pleaded and cried. I thought about it for a while and gave him another shot. After that incident, we got closer than ever and now live together. Other girls are not the problem anymore, he is 100% loyal, but unfortunately other problems are cropping up and it looks like we won't last. If you do give him another chance, be prepared to leave it in the past. I made a mistake by rehashing this incident at least 10 times during the course of our relationship.
phineas Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 It's not like he actually went on a date with a woman or had sex with her. Problems crop up in real relationships and you need to prioritize and compromise. My friend was dating a guy exclusively but felt something was not quite right. She found out he was windsurfing with some other woman although nothing had come of it yet. She didn't let on that she knew about it but suggested that maybe they had taken things a bit too fast, she was unsure and suggested they both start dating others. She was shocked when he burst into tears and confessed and begged her not to leave. They eventually got married. Some men need a kick up the pants like that so they can learn what is important to them. This might be the sort of shock your boyfriend needs so I think you should give him another chance. Let him know that you will not be as close as you were before until you feel you can trust him again. He will either step up to the plate or become more insecure and bail out for fear you will dump him later. This whole story reminds me of another formerly fat boy who was insecure and when his wife's career kept them apart for long periods, he filed for divorce which stunned her. We don't know if Russell Brand and Katy Perry will go through with the divorce. How do you know he didn't? Booty calls don't take that long & if it goes down after he tells her he's going to bed, he doesn't have to worry about her calling & interrupting. I've dated women that told me they were "going to bed early" and not to call. In reality they were actually with someone else. Someone who is exclusive shouldn't have done what he did. Period.
GildedLily Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 I didn't read through all of the responses but the thing that stuck out to me about your post was being serious at two months. To me that is very soon to be serious already. From 1-3 months most guys are still seeing other girls, phoning/texting others and keeping their options open. Having said that, you were lucky to get an early glimpse into how he behaves when caught doing something wrong. Do you like what you saw?
Emilia Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 But at the same time...I feel like I can't really trust him right now. And I think it was an immature and stupid thing to do. If he was concerned about how I was feeling he should have asked me instead of preparing for me to dump him. I don't need another guy who is going to "unfriend me" on facebook or run back to online dating everytime we have a disagreement. Have you dumped him yet?
EnigmaticClarity Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 (edited) It's not like he actually went on a date with a woman or had sex with her. Exactly. Really, this is as big a dealbreaker as him actually cheating? Her overreaction to this is likely to now be a yellow or red flag to HIM if he's thinking clearly, which given his reaction to it suggests he's NOT thinking rationally, but it would be to me. I had something similar to this early in a prior relationship where I met the girl on Match.com. About two months in after we had become exclusive, she noticed that my Match account said "active in last 3 days" and raised holy hell to me. I hadn't logged into the site for almost two months when this occurred, so I didn't have any idea why it would say that. I've subsequently learned that when you click into those "Match.com By Mail" emails they send, it sends a flag back to the site that updates your active flag. I had deleted a few of those emails by clicking into them and clicking delete, so that's what had updated the flag, but at the time, I didn't know that. Fair enough, I thought...I have no idea why the site said that, and I can't prove it to you, so I can see why you're upset. All I can do is close the account, which I did. But still, this was a 50-50 thing--she could either choose to believe the site was a bit screwy and I wasn't looking around, or she could choose to believe I'm a dirtbag. She chose the latter. That was a red flag to me--she's the suspicious type. Turned out the red flag was a real indicator of her later behavior--she would accuse me of things I never did nor that she had any evidence of every 2-3 months. The OP's boyfriend's situation is a bit worse than mine because unlike me he clearly was still using the site. So yea, he's caught. But a DEALBREAKER? Red flag to me if I'm him. His lack of commitment and hem-hawing after the fact is 4/5 of this, but her overreaction to it is now 1/5--red flags on both sides now. Edited January 13, 2012 by EnigmaticClarity
Andy_K Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 From 1-3 months most guys are still seeing other girls, phoning/texting others and keeping their options open. You know, time and again I see things like this written. I don't know if it's a 'US' thing, or wherever you're from, but in virtually every relationship myself or any of my male or female friends has been involved in, there's none of this from either gender. Still, if the guys have you convinced it's 'normal' for them to be seeing other people for the first three months you're dating, fair play to them...
Author SingVoice Posted January 13, 2012 Author Posted January 13, 2012 Wow woke up to a lot of new responses!!! Thanks for all the insight guys. I haven't made a complete decision yet. I wanted to wait until my head was a little clearer so that I wasn't making a decision based off of an erratic emotion. For those of you that are suggesting that there are other women he is talking to...etc...I just don't believe that is the case. Call me an idiot, fine, but I don't believe that while we were dating he was in contact with anyone else. It's just a feeling I have. He has been completely focused on me this whole time. And for those that suggest that his "go to bed early" thing is just a cover up...he is a complete health nut. He doesn't go out to bars. He doesn't drink. He DOES go to bed at 930, because there are times when I see him at its nearing 9pm and he is beat. I never worried about other women, and I am still not worried about that. And my first reaction to this whole problem wasn't "oh my god he is seeing other people." It was more "i guess he isn't taking this relationship seriously." I do think he was sincere in his apology...I DO believe he feels really bad for hurting me. Aside from this incident...everything was great. So I don't feel that it's stupid or silly for me to take a little time and ponder all of this before I make a decision. He did take down his profile. Because I don't believe he was cheating (sorry but I'm going with my gut on this)...the main issue for me now has just become the communication thing. If he was feeling insecure and worried I would dump him, yeah...he should have just talked to me about it. Instead he took the IMMATURE way out. (Which is very unlike him because he is very responsible and mature in his life). Communication problems are definitely dealbreakers. He knows that I am probably going to dump him. I just need a little more time to sort through everything in my head.
climbergirl Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 I don't think what he did was malicious or worth dumping him, but I say dump him anyway. Only because if you can't forgive him this relationship is going no where. I think he's done all that he can to make amends.
Author SingVoice Posted January 13, 2012 Author Posted January 13, 2012 Exactly. Really, this is as big a dealbreaker as him actually cheating? Her overreaction to this is likely to now be a yellow or red flag to HIM if he's thinking clearly, which given his reaction to it suggests he's NOT thinking rationally, but it would be to me. The OP's boyfriend's situation is a bit worse than mine because unlike me he clearly was still using the site. So yea, he's caught. But a DEALBREAKER? Red flag to me if I'm him. His lack of commitment and hem-hawing after the fact is 4/5 of this, but her overreaction to it is now 1/5--red flags on both sides now. Overreacting because my BOYFRIEND is updating his online dating profile?? Should I have just said "ok no honey it's totally fine that you are updating your DATING profile"??? SERIOUSLY?? LOL I think I am allowed to have a reaction to that. I'm pretty level headed and I don't fly off the handle about things...but I know I am allowed to have a reaction to that.
Author SingVoice Posted January 13, 2012 Author Posted January 13, 2012 IF you continue seeing him - is he willing to see you without the sex? It's terribly hard to feel completely intimate with someone when he's broken the trust. The fact that he felt a certain way and DIDN'T simply talk to you about how he felt - and is now using it as his excuse really sucks! I guess in the future - you can expect that when he's not happy - to NOT tell you - and use it as an excuse to go behind your back and betray you... Then blame you for not knowing when he didn't tell you. I wouldn't have sex with him - that's for sure. Trust is EARNED - he blew it big time! You may find this hard to believe, but he has actually been very respectful with regard to the sex thing. He told me that before we ever had sex we would have to have the exclusivity talk. And even when we were getting close to that point, he said "Well of course I have thought about it, but I'm totally fine with waiting too." And I believe him.
EnigmaticClarity Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 Communication problems are definitely dealbreakers. I have yet to meet a single human being who didn't have at least occasional communication problems. Every woman I've ever been with says exactly this, bad communication is a dealbreaker. Implicit behind such a declaration is that she herself would NEVER have communication problems--which has always been mostly true, except for when it hasn't, which always ends up happening. It's an unfortunate side effect of not being able to read other people's minds, which I frequently wish were possible--it'd avoid so many misconceptions. If you communicate every single issue that comes into your head--even the ones you're not sure about and are afraid will make you look paranoid--I'm pleased to make your acquaintance! You are the first person of your breed I've ever met.
EnigmaticClarity Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 Overreacting because my BOYFRIEND is updating his online dating profile?? Should I have just said "ok no honey it's totally fine that you are updating your DATING profile"??? SERIOUSLY?? LOL I think I am allowed to have a reaction to that. I'm pretty level headed and I don't fly off the handle about things...but I know I am allowed to have a reaction to that. No, the overreaction isn't that you're pissed at him--you should be--you're overreacting because you believe this is enough to break up over.
Author SingVoice Posted January 13, 2012 Author Posted January 13, 2012 I don't think what he did was malicious or worth dumping him, but I say dump him anyway. Only because if you can't forgive him this relationship is going no where. I think he's done all that he can to make amends. Like I said, I wanted to take a little time to make a decision. I'm a person who thinks a lot...so I didn't want to just REACT and dump him without talking to him or processing everything.
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