LexiB Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 This seems like an easy fix. Instead of apologizing, he should remove ALL of his photos. Some websites don't allow you to delete your profile but you can remove most of the info and make fake statistics, i.e. 99 yrs old, 200 lbs., so that no one will contact you. Sounds like you both need to communicate more and stop guessing or assuming how the other person feels. Agreed. I'm still not sure why he can't at least hide or disable his membership even if he can't outright *delete* it, but this is the next best and logical thing. There's no justifiable reason anyone in a serious relationship should have their pictures, stats and "what their looking for in a partner" plastered all over the internet. Where there's a will there's a way.
salparadise Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 I'm seeing this a lot differently than most... He had some new pics and he switched out the old ones for the new ones, without considering how it might look from another's perspective. Then he apologized profusely and asked how he could make it up. This is not the same as being disingenuous, lying and cheating. It is what it is––he updated his pics on this site as well as facebook, his professional site, etc. The meaning that people are ascribing is not inherent in the action itself––it's an assumption and attribution of intent. There is nothing about what he did that should logically lead to this conclusion. I say give him the benefit of the doubt on this and see how it goes from this point forward. I would certainly not end an otherwise promising relationship based on an assumption of ill motives when there are no facts to support it. I certainly do agree that profiles should come down when people begin a new relationship–– things are hard enough in the dating world and you need to do everything you can to make you sweetie feel comfortable and secure. I find it hard to concieve that EH won't allow a profile to be deleted or disabled, but if not then he can surely remove the content. Yea, the dating site profiles can troublesome when starting out new. Luckily my SO and I were on the same page and it wasn't an issue. We discussed it and made each move in unison––first a paragraph saying that we'd not be answering messages, then taking down the profiles, then changing the facebook status. No weirdness, just solid communication and good intentions, thankfully.
Twos Company Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Hmmm, his communication skills are lacking and he strikes me as passive aggressive. First he tells you 'oh, I was just updating everything anyway'...thus minimising his actions, then when you weren't satisfied with that it's 'well, I thought you were pulling away'...deflecting blame onto you, abdicating responsibility and being generally sly. I would if you so wish, take his word that he is sorry, but he should get rid of his online profile post haste. Then, if I were you, I would keep a close eye on him, this sort of passive aggressive person will be a slippery one I'm afraid.
Author SingVoice Posted January 12, 2012 Author Posted January 12, 2012 The more the day goes on...the more I am convinced it's over. I feel like when I asked him about it last night...he said he didn't think about it and blah blah blah. Then today it's a different story....and while I do think he is insecure...I don't feel like I can trust him now. Even if he did think I was pulling away....who goes out and updates their profile because of it?!?! Someone who is immature. He sent me an email today explaining everything and he is supposed to call me later on tonight. I just feel like I am too old for all this crap. Whatever happened to being mature and respectful in relationships?
LexiB Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 SingVoice, what he did was wrong but I wouldn't dump him over this. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Just make sure he takes all that sh*t down - photos and content.
salparadise Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Gosh I just hate it for both of you... can you not see this as a mindless thing with no ill intent whatsoever? I would encourage you not to make a rash decision. That option is always available should you confirm you need to exercise it. I think it's entirely possible that he attached no meaning at all, but you had hurt feelings because you immediately attached the meaning and motive of betrayal. Then when you realize that you can't rationally reach that conclusion you substitute other meanings such as immature or disrespectful. Consider that these mental calisthenics are done to justify the initial and residual hurt feelings, which would never have existed in the first place if you had not attributed your own meaning, right? I'm trying to give you a way to think about this that doesn't require you to be reactive.
Author SingVoice Posted January 12, 2012 Author Posted January 12, 2012 Gosh I just hate it for both of you... can you not see this as a mindless thing with no ill intent whatsoever? I would encourage you not to make a rash decision. That option is always available should you confirm you need to exercise it. I think it's entirely possible that he attached no meaning at all, but you had hurt feelings because you immediately attached the meaning and motive of betrayal. Then when you realize that you can't rationally reach that conclusion you substitute other meanings such as immature or disrespectful. Consider that these mental calisthenics are done to justify the initial and residual hurt feelings, which would never have existed in the first place if you had not attributed your own meaning, right? I'm trying to give you a way to think about this that doesn't require you to be reactive. Sal I can see your point of view on this. But people don't usually do things for no reason, right? I mean....right??? Maybe it doesn't mean what I think it does...fine. People don't just do things for no reason...especially not him. He is definitely a planner and a thinker.
2sunny Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Anyway you look at it - it's crappy the way he has participated... Mainly because: He wanted to be exclusive. So now you are left wondering what HIS idea of exclusive means. When faced with crappy evidence - he blamed HID crappy behavior on YOU! This would be enough of a red flag for me to end it! Then he hasn't YET completely CLOSED the acct - and provided evidence that he willingly closed it? Deal breaker again! IF he's sorry -the appropriate action from HIM would be to change what hurt you - the ACTIVE dating acct! But he didn't OFFER it up? What are you supposed to do - beg him to be faithful? No! His behavior shows he's un trustworthy. His idea of "exclusive" may very well be different than yours - since it seems to be - I'd say "bye-bye" His words and actions do not match- there's ALWAYS a lie in there somewhere when they don't match!
2sunny Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Sal I can see your point of view on this. But people don't usually do things for no reason, right? I mean....right??? Maybe it doesn't mean what I think it does...fine. People don't just do things for no reason...especially not him. He is definitely a planner and a thinker. Any man who spends time and energy to change their profile and pictures shows their INTENTION! His intention is to stay on the dating site. He's just not willing to tell you. Is that the kind of "exclusive" relationship you want? That is now what he has offered...
salparadise Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 (edited) From my perspective, I can imagine him thinking, "ah I've got better pics so I'm going to switch out all of my old ones for the new ones." And then he proceeds to do so without giving it any more credence than his facebook pics or his business website pics. It's not like he was rewriting the text... he simply switched out all of his online pics in one sweep without even thinking about the potential fallout. I can easily imagine it happening this way and being totally innocent. Of course I don't know anything for certain but can see the distinct possibility of a gross misunderstanding based on *your assigning a certain meaning to a neutral action* and the resultant hurt feelings. I guess this site doesn't allow PMs... was going to send you one. PS: I don't' know why everyone jumps to quick conclusions and automatically believes others have the worst intentions. People are so quick to advise people to break up! Successful relationships are such because of the ability to resolve issues and solve problems, not because problems never arise. Edited January 12, 2012 by salparadise
2sunny Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 From my perspective, I can imagine him thinking, "ah I've got better pics so I'm going to switch out all of my old ones for the new ones." And then he proceeds to do so without giving it any more credence than his facebook pics or his business website pics. It's not like he was rewriting the text... he simply switched out all of his online pics in one sweep without even thinking about the potential fallout. I can easily imagine it happening this way and being totally innocent. Of course I don't know anything for certain but can see the distinct possibility of a gross misunderstanding based on *your assigning a certain meaning to a neutral action* and the resultant hurt feelings. I guess this site doesn't allow PMs... was going to send you one. PS: I don't' know why everyone jumps to quick conclusions and automatically believes others have the worst intentions. People are so quick to advise people to break up! Successful relationships are such because of the ability to resolve issues and solve problems, not because problems never arise. I think you are minimizing his actions. He logged in - changed his pics on a dating profile - time and energy spent to show himself in a more positive light on a "dating site" - all while he knew he had agreed to an "exclusive relationship!" I don't see any of it as "neutral action" - in fact shows clear intent to keep looking around - behind her back. Even after - he tried to "blame her for what HE did!" that is SO wrong right there! He's not even willing to take responsibility for the way HE participated! He wasn't sorry he did it - he's only sorry she caught him.
OliveOyl Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 It seems really simple to me. Ask him to disable or delete his profile. If he doesn't, then it's time to move on. I discovered my BF had an active profile on a dating site (not the one where we met) and simply asked him to disable it. He did the next day. He hadn't been active on the site but had just neglected to take it down. No problem... non-issue. I didn't blow it up into a big thing, which can make things worse. I simply asked myself what I wanted from him (disabled or deleted dating profiles) and that was that. We're happy together.
salparadise Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 2sunny, I'm not minimizing his actions, I'm just saying that all of the meaning that is being ascribed is on the side of the interpreter and not inherent in the action itself. Therefore there is really nothing factual point to any ill intent. When I was in grade school the principle walked into the library one day and I had a rubber band in my hand. He gave me a dirty look and I guess I must've not been able to tolerate it and looked away or something... anyway, he took me to the office and wore my ass out with the paddle. I hated that guy ever since and I hate it when people ascribe motive. He paddled me because he assumed that I intended to do something bad with that rubber band.
TheFinalWord Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Not to excuse his behavior...but why did you feel the need to snoop and check up on his dating profile? I don't think it's just b/c of that lighthearted conversation. If I am with someone I would trust them and not feel a need to do detective work to see if they are faithful. So yes, his actions are wrong, but perhaps when he said you felt you were distancing yourself there is some truth to that as well. Just like you are not 100% trusting and resorting to sneaking, he has sensed that in some way over the course of your relationship and has decided to keep his options open.
soulm8 Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 (edited) It's not enough to simply apologize and ask what he can do to make it better. A genuine apology includes an effort to fix the issue... which IMO, Carhill pointed out, right away. He is not taking responsibility for himself and deleting his profile (or taking measures to hide or edit it to your satisfaction) and failing to remedy this. By doing so, he's passively aggressively placing you into the "nagging girlfriend" role. If you choose to give him (a person you've known a relatively short time) the benefit of the doubt, that could backfire on you in multiple ways: - he takes your trust for granted and you become his option - he assumes that you suffer from low self esteem - he assumes that you don't care enough and his insecurity pushes him to further detach I'd refrain from demanding he delete his profile. Perhaps I'm a tad passive aggressive myself, but I would calmly tell him how updating his dating profile made you feel. If all he can do is apologize and ask YOU for guidance (again)... I'd definitely reconsider the exclusive relationship with someone who expects you to steer. Edited January 13, 2012 by soulm8
Casablanca Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 Could just be an ego thing. But it's still a red flag. Guys that are that desperate for an ego stroke are not boyfriend material. I agree It's only a red flag if he is contacting others and wanting to date, putting himself out there. Nothing wrong with a fun ego feed.. We all like that once in a while, as long as it's harmless. Sure we all like a little ego feed, but an online dating site is not the place...too tempting IMO and too much of a potential cop out for him...there are plenty of other ways to get an ego boost...keeping it open keeps him with options EXACTLY Bean. I do think he is sorry. He has apologized a bunch this morning too...keeps asking me what he can do...keeps assuring me that he is 100% committed to this...(and up until this point that was true!). But I feel like I can't forgive him because it's like me saying "I will let you **** all over me whenever you want." He could just be sorry that he was caught
2sunny Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 I simply see it as lack of character. Since he seems to want to "keep his options open by looking" - to me - it means he's shopping. I guess he started shopping without informing you - HIS EXCLUSIVE girl. Since he did that - I'd allow him to understand - no more exclusive (since he doesn't honor his commitment) - and THAT would mean you look and date too... And no sex with him without that commitment. I have an issue with him saying that he got restless while you were busy with work... Sheet, what a baby - what happens when you're married to a guy like that and you get busy and preoccupied with work, new babies etc? He's gonna cheat! Kinda like saying "if you can't pay attention to ME all the time - I'll find a few gals who will. Tell him when he learns what commitment really means and acts like it - and how to NOT be so self absorbed - maybe you'll consider letting him take you to dinner.
nothappyjan Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 I'm on eharmony and you can close your account even if your still under your membership. It only reactivates it if you log in again. The only time I leave my profile up or edit it while im in a relationship is if I dont really like the person and I know i'm not "all in". When im crazy about someone it takes me 2seconds to delete everything and never have any desire to look or get attention from another guy again.
daphne Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 Sing, As someone who recently went through this, I can assure you that his apologies are for getting caught. The excuses, while plausible, are just that. Excuses. He is still looking. Occam's Razor. It's the simplest explanation. My guy went back online after we had the exclusivity talk. Multiple times. He had excuses, and he even fudged a little because he didn't know waht I knew before I told him that I didn't think we were on teh same page and that we should go our separate ways. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Several weeks later, he found an excuse to ask for "space" and went right back online the same night. Had I listened to my instincts first, I would have been able to walk away without too much confusion. He's still looking. And if you think differently, it's because you don't want to believe it.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 I have an online profile and I can tell you reasons why I am posting up new pics- attention more view hits more matches If I needed an innocent ego boost I would've stuck with posting on my FB, why would I bother with anonymous people? He's guilty of looking around and he knows.
Author SingVoice Posted January 13, 2012 Author Posted January 13, 2012 He called me. Before I explain what he said let me state that I DID NOT forgive him. He again said he felt awful. He was so sorry that he hurt me. He said he took down all his pictures and cancelled everything. He said he only wants me, that's all he wanted. Basically the story he gave me was this: He said that a couple of times he has felt some distance from me on my end. Because he is a little insecure, it always left him feeling like he had done something wrong, or that I was unhappy. When we had our talk Sunday about how we were happy with the way things were progressing, I said something about wanting him being able to really let me in. He thought that meant I was unhappy...and it kind of blindsided him I guess. He said that on his end...everything has been perfect. He loves all the things about me, and I am exactly what he is looking for in a relationship. So then all of the sudden when there is some distance....(which I will admit I am a woman, I can be a little up and down sometimes when I am stressed)...he feels kind of blindsided because he thought everything was going well. Then he gets into his head and starts thinking that I am going to dump him. He said he didn't sleep last night and his stomach was in knots all day because he knew how much he hurt me. He said he totally understood how bad it looked. He asked me to forgive him. He said (sincerely I might add).."I don't ever want to make you hurt like this again. I will never hurt you like this again. I'll do whatever it takes to show you how much you mean to me." I appreciate that he apologized...and I appreciate that he took the initiative to fix this. I also appreciate that he let me basically talk in circles about how awful this was and how much it hurt...etc. I know a lot of people in general have a hard time when confronted with their own bad behavior. I told him that right now I am still processing everything. I did tell him that my initial reaction was that it was over. He said that he would give me time and space if I needed it.
Author SingVoice Posted January 13, 2012 Author Posted January 13, 2012 But at the same time...I feel like I can't really trust him right now. And I think it was an immature and stupid thing to do. If he was concerned about how I was feeling he should have asked me instead of preparing for me to dump him. I don't need another guy who is going to "unfriend me" on facebook or run back to online dating everytime we have a disagreement.
snowflakes88 Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 Oh, please. He thought you were unhappy, so his solution was to look for other women behind your back. Okay, then.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 I think that he is a little insecure. He used to be fat as a kid...and now he is in really good shape, but I always sensed there was some insecurity there. I think that he got insecure....and then did a STUPID AND IMMATURE thing as a defense thing. That's the thing about insecure men. Some of them, when they finally do get into a relationship with a great gal, start to let their ego puff up out of control. They build up their confidence and then they think they can do better. (They often cannot.) I speak from experience.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 He called me. Before I explain what he said let me state that I DID NOT forgive him. He again said he felt awful. He was so sorry that he hurt me. He said he took down all his pictures and cancelled everything. He said he only wants me, that's all he wanted. Basically the story he gave me was this: He said that a couple of times he has felt some distance from me on my end. Because he is a little insecure, it always left him feeling like he had done something wrong, or that I was unhappy. When we had our talk Sunday about how we were happy with the way things were progressing, I said something about wanting him being able to really let me in. He thought that meant I was unhappy...and it kind of blindsided him I guess. He said that on his end...everything has been perfect. He loves all the things about me, and I am exactly what he is looking for in a relationship. So then all of the sudden when there is some distance....(which I will admit I am a woman, I can be a little up and down sometimes when I am stressed)...he feels kind of blindsided because he thought everything was going well. Then he gets into his head and starts thinking that I am going to dump him. He said he didn't sleep last night and his stomach was in knots all day because he knew how much he hurt me. He said he totally understood how bad it looked. . I have never known any male or female who spoke this way unless they're very prolific writers or are motivational speakers. Why the need to apologize so profusely when the simplest thing would've been taking initiative to take down his profile. I still think he's speaking out of his ass trying to win brownie points.
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