SingVoice Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Ahhh things were going so well. I met this guy on EH about 2 months ago. We clicked right away...and after about 2 weeks we decided we weren't going to see other people. Eventually it progressed into a relationship. Things were wonderful...for both of us. We had JUST had a talk over the weekend about how happy we both were and how great things were progressing. Last night he sent me a couple of updated pictures of himself. (We had this ongoing joke about how his EH pictures were awful compared to how he really looked). So I made a joke asking him if he put the latest pics on EH...and he said jokingly "Yes. Hopefully will get lots of hits." (I know he was kidding). But I had this weird feeling, so I looked on EH (I am not a member anymore) and saw that he HAD uploaded the pictures!!!! I told him I was hurt. He called me immediately and apologized OVER and OVER. He said he had gotten some new pics and was updating all of his pictures (facebook...his professional website...etc). He swore over and over that since he met me he hasn't even talked to another woman...and I believe him about that because he calls me everyday...and he is really busy at work. I am not upset because I think he is seeing other people because I don't. I am upset because we were in an exclusive relationship and I feel like this means that we are definitely not on the same page. I feel like it means that he doesn't value what we have if he is coming up with some kind of "backup" or something. I am having a hard time processing this...so I wanted to get some opinions. I can't seem to come up with a reason that isn't awful why he would do this. He is a very moral and good person...has a good job...is passionate about life. Aside from this things in the relationship were really great...he treated me wonderfully. He apologized about 100 times and asked repeatedly what he could do to make it better...he assured me over and over that I am the only one he wants to be with...and he doesn't even know why he did it...he feels like an idiot and an A**hole...etc. Any thoughts on this?
tigressA Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Dump him. You said you couldn't think of any reason that isn't awful for him updating his profile, and you're 100% right in thinking that. How f*cking lame is the excuse he made about 'updating all of his pictures'? I'll tell you, it's really f*cking lame. He's not a good guy for you because he is still keeping his options open even after you two decided to become exclusive. Heck, the fact that he even still had his dating profile up at all after that says all you need to know. If you stay with him after this he knows he's got you hooked and he can try to get away with more.
Author SingVoice Posted January 12, 2012 Author Posted January 12, 2012 Thank you. Yes that is how I am feeling. I agree with everything you said. I know that I am really emotional right now so I wanted to get some feedback before I make a final decision. (As a side note...with EH...if you paid for 3 months or 6 months or whatever...you can't cancel your membership until that time is up. All you can do is turn your matches off so they don't match you with anyone. Which is what he did when we decided to be exclusive. So again it makes even LESS sense then why he would update his pictures if he didn't have the matches turned on anyway!!)
climbergirl Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 If he can't cancel his membership then maybe he was just having fun with it and curious how many hits he would get with the new pictures. Could be just an ego thing.
ditzchic Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 If he can't cancel his membership then maybe he was just having fun with it and curious how many hits he would get with the new pictures. Could be just an ego thing. Could just be an ego thing. But it's still a red flag. Guys that are that desperate for an ego stroke are not boyfriend material.
bean1 Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Actions, not words. He has showed you how he rolls with this "exclusiveness", the question is, will you believe him?
Author SingVoice Posted January 12, 2012 Author Posted January 12, 2012 Actions, not words. He has showed you how he rolls with this "exclusiveness", the question is, will you believe him? Yeah...his words and his actions don't line up. He has always said over and over that he has NEVER cheated...never would...and even if he is interested in someone he won't pursue anyone else. "He would never play around on someone." (That's what he said). So yeah...in a way this feels like cheating. Like I said...I don't believe that he is talking to or seeing anyone else. He spends the free time he has with me, and when he gets home from work he calls me every day. He doesn't drink...or party or anything...and he goes to bed early. SO even though I know there currently IS no one else....the idea that he was looking or whatever....it just sickens me.
bean1 Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Yeah...his words and his actions don't line up. He has always said over and over that he has NEVER cheated...never would...and even if he is interested in someone he won't pursue anyone else. "He would never play around on someone." (That's what he said). So yeah...in a way this feels like cheating. Like I said...I don't believe that he is talking to or seeing anyone else. He spends the free time he has with me, and when he gets home from work he calls me every day. He doesn't drink...or party or anything...and he goes to bed early. SO even though I know there currently IS no one else....the idea that he was looking or whatever....it just sickens me. The thing is with people like this, is when they turn around and do whatever (push boundaries or actually cheat), is that they put the blame on you. "Well, she KNEW that and she still stayed... so she got what she deserved". And in a way, it's sort of right. Hard to admit but looking back on being in a similar position, it's not really wrong, is it?
Author SingVoice Posted January 12, 2012 Author Posted January 12, 2012 EXACTLY Bean. I do think he is sorry. He has apologized a bunch this morning too...keeps asking me what he can do...keeps assuring me that he is 100% committed to this...(and up until this point that was true!). But I feel like I can't forgive him because it's like me saying "I will let you **** all over me whenever you want."
ditzchic Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 EXACTLY Bean. I do think he is sorry. He has apologized a bunch this morning too...keeps asking me what he can do...keeps assuring me that he is 100% committed to this...(and up until this point that was true!). But I feel like I can't forgive him because it's like me saying "I will let you **** all over me whenever you want." Has he deleted the profile now? Have you suggested that he does?
azsinglegal Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 He's still "looking". Up to you if you want to wait around and see if he's serious about you or looking for the grass is greener.
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 If he can't cancel his membership then maybe he was just having fun with it and curious how many hits he would get with the new pictures. Could be just an ego thing. I think this is it. Plus, is it possible that many people just get slightly addicted to this dating websites and just like to troll it for fun once they're in a relationship? not to go dating anybody else or get to know them, but like you said, an ego feed etc.. Could just be an ego thing. But it's still a red flag. Guys that are that desperate for an ego stroke are not boyfriend material. It's only a red flag if he is contacting others and wanting to date, putting himself out there. Nothing wrong with a fun ego feed.. We all like that once in a while, as long as it's harmless.
carhill Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Thank you. Yes that is how I am feeling. I agree with everything you said. I know that I am really emotional right now so I wanted to get some feedback before I make a final decision. (As a side note...with EH...if you paid for 3 months or 6 months or whatever...you can't cancel your membership until that time is up. All you can do is turn your matches off so they don't match you with anyone. Which is what he did when we decided to be exclusive. So again it makes even LESS sense then why he would update his pictures if he didn't have the matches turned on anyway!!) OP, you might find this article and this article to be of interest and help for him to 'do the right thing'. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that my high school diploma mind could find this solution in about 20 seconds. Good luck.
Author SingVoice Posted January 12, 2012 Author Posted January 12, 2012 I think this is it. Plus, is it possible that many people just get slightly addicted to this dating websites and just like to troll it for fun once they're in a relationship? not to go dating anybody else or get to know them, but like you said, an ego feed etc.. It's only a red flag if he is contacting others and wanting to date, putting himself out there. Nothing wrong with a fun ego feed.. We all like that once in a while, as long as it's harmless. I can see your point on this...BUT...this is actually the first time he has done ANY internet dating (He is 32!). AND I was the first person (and only person) he communicated with or met. I told him that made me a little uneasy because usually you don't just find someone right off the bat and you need to look around a bit. But he was CERTAIN that he was looking for a relationship, he saw potential in us, and didn't want to waste time pursuing others while he was interested in me.
ditzchic Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 I think this is it. Plus, is it possible that many people just get slightly addicted to this dating websites and just like to troll it for fun once they're in a relationship? not to go dating anybody else or get to know them, but like you said, an ego feed etc.. It's only a red flag if he is contacting others and wanting to date, putting himself out there. Nothing wrong with a fun ego feed.. We all like that once in a while, as long as it's harmless. Guess it depends on how you view harmless. Being psyched some random girl on the street or in a bar hit on you is harmless. Intentionally putting your face out there in a virtual meat market to get the boost is a little different in my opinion. Why not get his ego boost from his girlfriend? I view it as a red flag. I wouldn't be cool with it. It reeks attention whore. And obviously it's making his significant other uncomfortable. If the attention is more important than her, it's time for her to say bye bye.
azsinglegal Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 OP, you might find this article and this article to be of interest and help for him to 'do the right thing'. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that my high school diploma mind could find this solution in about 20 seconds. Good luck. He obviously doesn't want to close it since he just updated the pictures on it. IMO when someone keeps a dating profile open AND updates it - they're looking. Maybe not contacting anyone, but for sure seeing who's out there and who will contact them. Just because he doesn't make the first move doesn't mean he's not interesting in seeing who does. Not cheating, but not committed to the OP either. You are an OPTION. Don't make someone a priority that only has you as an option.
carhill Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 I go with what is in evidence. He's pissing on his shoes with his apologies (that's the most current evidence) so now he can put some teeth into them. I'll bet it can be done in under ten minutes. Actions and words.
EnigmaticClarity Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 The course here is clear--he closes or hides his eHarmony profile and you both drop it. This is a red flag, or perhaps just a yellow one, but I can't fathom being this a dealbreaker. Nothing the OP can do but just forgive him and watch for similar behavior in the future, and nothing he can do beyond the apologizing he's already doing other than to shut down the account.
Author SingVoice Posted January 12, 2012 Author Posted January 12, 2012 WOW. Thanks for all the replies everyone. The situation just got a bit more complicated.... He just told me that he was sensing that I was pulling away from him (I have been really busy the last couple of weeks with work...but I have been still making him a priority)...and he was worried a couple of times that I didn't want to see him again. (Uhhhh....what? we are in a relationship, right?!?!) I think that he is a little insecure. He used to be fat as a kid...and now he is in really good shape, but I always sensed there was some insecurity there. I think that he got insecure....and then did a STUPID AND IMMATURE thing as a defense thing. Still not a good thing....still crappy...but at least there is a reason other than "uhhhh I don't know why I did it."
carhill Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Not really complicated. 'I want to feel that we're in this together. I accept your apology. Would you like to know how to close your EH account today?' Listen. IMO, he plucked some rationalizations out of thin air. Ignore them. It's called projecting his own psychology upon you. Think about it. He's pulling away. He doesn't want to be with you. He uploads new pictures into his dating profile. Interesting how that works. Perhaps that sounds harsh but I've seen a lifetime of it. Is it permanent? Who knows. Some people vacillate from one minute to the next. Up to you whether you find the dynamic synergistic or not. Hope it works out.
FitChick Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 This seems like an easy fix. Instead of apologizing, he should remove ALL of his photos. Some websites don't allow you to delete your profile but you can remove most of the info and make fake statistics, i.e. 99 yrs old, 200 lbs., so that no one will contact you. Sounds like you both need to communicate more and stop guessing or assuming how the other person feels.
BWLoca Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Hint... it is NOT more complicated. You are a rug willing to be stepped on. Open your eyes. 'i was pulling away...blah, blah.' This is emotional deflection...period. Baloney to keep you hooked on the line. I'm a guy and can read him like a book. This guy is so transparent. Off subject....you were the only one he ever communicate with? You really believe that? No knock asgainst you but were PERFECT although he had never met you but was blinded to all other women? You are in the classic no win position. as a rational woman you know this guy is LYING...yet as a healthy emotional woman you want to be compassionate and understanding. 'If' he had come clean and from the beginning, I'd bend towards giving him a chance...guys like gals and perhaps he gets a bit of high off of correspondiong with women...however, he's stepped way over that boundary. Say 'bye bye'. Honestly, he's about two hops away from "I got scared."
BWLoca Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 (edited) Nothing to see here... Edited January 12, 2012 by BWLoca Double Post
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 From a mans point of view I wouldn't trust the guy. Making excuses whether by him or by you doesn't really change the fact that he is still trying to keep his options open. Maybe he didn't realize he would meet someone so fast in the process or maybe he still finds online dating exciting with all the enticing flavors of women out in the world. Bottom line though is I don't think he ready and he definitely sounds like someone who has cheated before, and that's from personal experience!
Author SingVoice Posted January 12, 2012 Author Posted January 12, 2012 Oh don't get me wrong....this behavior is totally unacceptable and I am NOT a doormat...so I am not going to allow this. Yeah I guess it really isn't more complicated...it's just another way of being a bonehead....LOL.
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