kaylan Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 I have wondered this for a while....because it seems to be a theme with people I know and relationships Ive been in myself. It seems people only breakup with someone in a relationship, or stop sleeping with someone they are FWB with, if they have someone new in mind. I rarely, if ever--and I think I never have--see people break up without someone new in their midst. I couldnt do that myself. If I wasnt being satisfied by someone and was thinking of breaking up, id gladly become single without thinking about whos new that I could be dating/fvking. Why drag out a relationship you know you want to bail on just because you havent found a new buddy? I have seen it many a time. Someone is clearly unhappy in a relationship, so they delude themselves into thinking they wanna stick around since they have no options. Or they know they dont wanna stick around, but plan on leaving when they find someone to replace their mate. Then as soon as someone new and shiny shows up...ZOOM...they are outta there faster than Sonic the Hedgehog. Thoughts?
carhill Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 "I can't be alone" This has been the single most oft-repeated phrase I've heard over the decades from such people. Are they everyone? NO. That's the lesson. This psychology extends beyond sexually intimate relationships into relationships of all sorts, but is most markedly remembered because of the nature of intimate relationships and the attendant trust and love which infuse them. Before clarity, it was 'you'll never be alone; I'll love you forever'. Now it's 'RUN!'
Emilia Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Some of that is age/maturity related. In my experience people in their early/mid-20s often don't think that much about the consequences of their actions and will have overlapping relationships like that. Also, many of us become much more confident and independent in our 30s and don't feel we constantly have to be in relationships. I know it's good for me to have a break when I split up with someone. Some will never grow out of the constant drama and turmoil of it though.
Jane2011 Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Yeah, I do see this. I happen to know of a couple right now who are probably just hanging onto each other until one or the other finds someone they think is better. I was actually a possibility in the situation, but apparently the guy didn't think I was better than the girl he has. But I think it's just a matter of time before one or the other of them finds a real contender, and they'll be done as a couple. I asked the guy, "Why don't you guys just break up?" (because instead of breaking up, they've chosen to be in a polyamorous/open relationship). He said, "Well, we still care about each other." And presumably they're still very attracted to each other also. But I think "we still care about each other" is just code for "we don't want to be alone, so we're going to hang on until one of us finds someone better and we're then *forced* apart." It also was the case in my own relationship of five years. It dragged on forever because he didn't want to be alone, nor did I, but he exited easily once some hot girl showed interest in him. And I got over him pretty quickly (afterwards) when I noticed men interested in me as well. I'm not saying all couples are this lame. Just me and my ex-boyfriend, and the couple I mentioned in the beginning. Indeed, not all couples are like this. Many people would choose to just be alone rather than with someone they're not that into. I think it (what you describe) is the case with couples who are into each other a certain minimal (or maybe "medium" is a better word) amount that they are pretty content with each other and even sort of happy. But somehow it's not THE relationship. So they hang onto it because it's better than being alone but not good enough for commitment.
Jane2011 Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Also, I agree that sometimes people have to mature into being cool with being alone. For whatever reason, with at least two past boyfriends of mine, I honestly felt like "If I'm not with him, who am I going to be with? Who's going to want me?" I really had pathetic thinking. And it was unwarranted, truly. Not that I'm all that or anything, but I'm not completely worthless either; there was no grounds for me thinking that I couldn't find someone else. I don't know why I thought that way. A good thing that's happened with me ever since I've had a breakup of a five year relationship (circa May 2010)...is that I kinda went crazy...getting involved with men. I've had four involvements in 20-months' time. And I'm not saying it wasn't a little kooky of me. But the upside of it is that it's shown me (or reminded me, rather) how many fish there are in the sea, and how you should never think "Who's gonna want me if I'm not with so-and-so?" Four different men wanted me in 20 months' time. Sure, they didn't all work out, but two were just plain too young for me; they had no business working out anyway. Now, because I've attracted several men and have been attracted *to* several men, I would be very hard-pressed to stay with some guy who wasn't a good match for what I want and need...because I feel like...NEXT. (That attitude can be a good thing when it's in the context of not putting up with bull**** or settling for what's not really right for you).
phineas Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 I've never cheated or dropped one chick for another. Of the GF's I did dump I'm not even sure if It was me dumping them or them purposefully doing something to get themselves dumped because man i've had women do some seriously dishonest & disrespectful things to me & I can't believe they actually thought they weren't doing something wrong.
irc333 Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Right, and not to sound sexist, I think women are more g uilty of this than men. Women hardly ever have dry spell between partners, they have these orbiters that are ready to ask them out the MOMENT the break-up is official. lol I have wondered this for a while....because it seems to be a theme with people I know and relationships Ive been in myself. It seems people only breakup with someone in a relationship, or stop sleeping with someone they are FWB with, if they have someone new in mind. I rarely, if ever--and I think I never have--see people break up without someone new in their midst. I couldnt do that myself. If I wasnt being satisfied by someone and was thinking of breaking up, id gladly become single without thinking about whos new that I could be dating/fvking. Why drag out a relationship you know you want to bail on just because you havent found a new buddy? I have seen it many a time. Someone is clearly unhappy in a relationship, so they delude themselves into thinking they wanna stick around since they have no options. Or they know they dont wanna stick around, but plan on leaving when they find someone to replace their mate. Then as soon as someone new and shiny shows up...ZOOM...they are outta there faster than Sonic the Hedgehog. Thoughts?
Titania22 Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Right, and not to sound sexist, I think women are more g uilty of this than men. Women hardly ever have dry spell between partners, they have these orbiters that are ready to ask them out the MOMENT the break-up is official. lol Are you being sarcastic?
Emilia Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Women hardly ever have dry spell between partners, they have these orbiters that are ready to ask them out the MOMENT the break-up is official. lol That tends to apply to the more insecure lower quality ones
carhill Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 That tends to apply to the more insecure lower quality ones Yet highly sought after, successful and even wealthy in some cases (in my data points). Quality, and its perception, is an interesting dynamic. I find the disconnect between some people's public and private lives to be fascinating.
Andy_K Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Never done it myself. Options very rarely simply fall on my plate. Without the pressure of being single, it's unlikely I'll find myself in the position of having anyone else in my grasp. Every relationship I've ended, I've done so knowing that it leaves me back at square one with precisely zero options. I don't break up because I've found someone better, I break up because I've decided someone isn't right for me, and I want the opportunity to find someone who is.
fificremefarben Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Are you being sarcastic? I hope he's being sarcastic :|
Emilia Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Yet highly sought after, successful and even wealthy in some cases (in my data points). Quality, and its perception, is an interesting dynamic. I find the disconnect between some people's public and private lives to be fascinating. I can imagine. My boss's boss is wealthy and successful. He is also boorish, insecure and not terribly bright. In my eyes he is not high quality, for others (he is married and naturally he cheats on his wife) he is sought after.
carhill Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 It's interesting how a person can become successful, wealthy and popular (unpopular people rarely become successful or wealthy, at least in my neck of the woods) by being insecure and boorish. I see this too. Fascinating. Perhaps it includes that intangible quality, charisma. Is it possible to be insecure and boorish and still be charismatic? Perhaps that quality is also a feature of those people who relationship hop. I know my run-ins with such people were pretty thick with it. Don't know if it's pervasive or not.
oldguy Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 I don't think there is a, "one size fits all" type here. Certainly it happens more so with people who have security issues, either long term or ones induced by their current relationship. I agree with Emilia that some of it is age/maturity related. Although I think it's more emotional maturity mixed with self image & confidence. Most of us know the 40 plus yo who has NEVER truly been on their own, EVER. Weather they have been in one long term relationship since leaving the nest or a cascade of nearly overlapping ones. There are people who have never truly been on their own & independent for 24 months or more. That goes for both some men and women. And there are some who are very comfortable with being on their own.
Emilia Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 (edited) It's interesting how a person can become successful, wealthy and popular (unpopular people rarely become successful or wealthy, at least in my neck of the woods) by being insecure and boorish. I see this too. Fascinating. Perhaps it includes that intangible quality, charisma. Is it possible to be insecure and boorish and still be charismatic? Perhaps that quality is also a feature of those people who relationship hop. I know my run-ins with such people were pretty thick with it. Don't know if it's pervasive or not. I think success very often (by no means all the time) depends on how ruthless one can be. Doing someone's dirty work for them is often rewarded - as is the case for the person in my example. Some very talented people never 'make it' because they don't have the stomach for the politics. I also think if someone habitually disregards others' feelings (which is what relationship hopping is really) he or she must either be ruthless or completely self-absorbed. Edited January 12, 2012 by Emilia
oldguy Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 It's interesting how a person can become successful, wealthy and popular (unpopular people rarely become successful or wealthy, at least in my neck of the woods) by being insecure and boorish. I see this too. Fascinating. Perhaps it includes that intangible quality, charisma. Is it possible to be insecure and boorish and still be charismatic? Perhaps that quality is also a feature of those people who relationship hop. I know my run-ins with such people were pretty thick with it. Don't know if it's pervasive or not. Hi carhill, I didn't recognize you with the beard I'm not sure why this reminded me of this but; One of my early college professors believed Zig Ziegler unknowingly touched on what it was to be charismatic in at least one of his works when he proposed the reason some salesmen are more successful than others has to do with their ability to bridge the differences in personality types.
Emilia Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Hi carhill, I didn't recognize you with the beard I'm not sure why this reminded me of this but; One of my early college professors believed Zig Ziegler unknowingly touched on what it was to be charismatic in at least one of his works when he proposed the reason some salesmen are more successful than others has to do with their ability to bridge the differences in personality types. I work on a Sales floor (as an Operations Analyst) and all the guys get professional training in how to handle different personality types. The most successful ones are the ones who are able to manipulate others the most.
Author kaylan Posted January 12, 2012 Author Posted January 12, 2012 Heres an example of the behavior I was talking about in my OP. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t311942/ People make me sick. Im so glad im single...but it hurts to think so many people are this selfish out in the dating world.
ThaWholigan Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 I work on a Sales floor (as an Operations Analyst) and all the guys get professional training in how to handle different personality types. The most successful ones are the ones who are able to manipulate others the most. Indeed. The art of communication and manipulation is actually very important in becoming successful and revered. It is always seen as bad to be manipulative, but I think it depends. There is obviously a thin line between manipulation and deceit, but if one can manipulate a situation into a position where everybody is a winner, then that is a good thing. Being able to handle any scenario with such dexterity is a crucial skill to learn, in dating and in life in general.
oldguy Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 I work on a Sales floor (as an Operations Analyst) and all the guys get professional training in how to handle different personality types. The most successful ones are the ones who are able to manipulate others the most. Yes, and Ziegler talked about 'tearing down walls' so people would trust you first. It sounds like the same thing Ziegler talked about & it transcends sales. I was a psyc major, not a salesman
Emilia Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 It is always seen as bad to be manipulative, but I think it depends. There is obviously a thin line between manipulation and deceit, but if one can manipulate a situation into a position where everybody is a winner, then that is a good thing. Being able to handle any scenario with such dexterity is a crucial skill to learn, in dating and in life in general. True but personally I'm on high alert as soon as I perceive that someone is telling me what they think I want to hear. I stop trusting them there and then until I figure out what they are after.
ThaWholigan Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 True but personally I'm on high alert as soon as I perceive that someone is telling me what they think I want to hear. I stop trusting them there and then until I figure out what they are after. I understand that, I think this is why it is always a touchy subject. I have always been an honest communicator, but being diplomatic is difficult when you are. I have been lucky that people always respond accordingly, but has not really worked for me so much with dating . I think it takes a certain mentality to be able to convey honesty and sincerity when handling a situation, but I think that one who uses higher level communication skills to do so will always illicit some kind of tension from the other person.
FitChick Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 There are people like Newt Gingrich who won't leave the current woman until they have another one lined up. Some people just get fed up or know someone is wrong for them, so break up and are on their own for a while. Different styles.
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