I woke up to find thier wedding photos in the paper

[childishregrets]

For god sake WHY? She was my first love and abused me and i have never gotten past the hurt of us splitting and her going on to marry her mutual friend rebound.I have not had a single phone call in around 8 years.She spread rumours about me and left me with many unanswered questions about virginity and if she cheated on me with her rebound.U can see why i doubt this in my previous threads and it really gets me angry!

 

After we split i had a serious breakdown,She would only let me communicate via txt messages or SMS, and would not meet with me all i ever got was anger and ignored for her new guy.It only took them about a month to move in with each other so by the time i was ready for answers i realised i was never going to get closure judging by her attitude when i was ill.She wont believe i am ill she could never figure it out that she ABUSED ME.I deleted her number after 7 months as i had reached out mulitple times and she would not return a call ever.Im not kidding here but from the day we split up which was her fault as well she stopped all contact.If i need something then or now im the one who has to reach out and its killed me that its not happened.

 

How can u get married and not go back and give that ex closure or a hello?Its bad enough now that when i go on facebook two of my mates have her on thier friends list and its making me seem hesitant about adding these friends now as she will see me on FB and i can see her now as well.I feel resentment to my friends that they failed to see how ill i was after her and that they blamed ME for the demise of the relationship when in truth it never got a chance due to her abusive behaviour.Why is she adding these people on facebook when they are the people I grew up with? Im so hurt that ive been invalidated and they have been validated.If she thinks we are OK since the last time we spoke and i dont have a problem with this then she is seriously deluded.The last time we spoke was when her dad died 8 months after the split and i reached out to her and was super nice.She told me i was welcome at the funeral but i was unable to mentally deal with it and i was not going to give her a going over about my feelings when her dad was just dead so that was our last conversation.she never returned a call after this to thank me for calling.Again as u will see in my last paragraph thanking only counts in my mind if you return the call and thank the person after the grief period when the emotions have settled down.

 

 

I really dont know what to do i swore i would stay NC(its been 7 yrs now for me) and i realise i cant just go in saying u hurt me so much it ruined my life and u then get married so where is the karma? I know she would just block me but what i do want to say is that i suffered for about 4 years.I Never fully moved on as i feel i cant as i have not been validated.I feel that she has blamed me infact im so confused i dont even know what she thinks!

 

I think its immensely cruel that she did not give me closure or validate me or the hurt shes caused in my life by contacting me and saying she was sorry and by getting married its the last straw.....Now i know that it probably wont ever happen and im god damm furious.

 

Guilt has eaten me up and i did not even start this stuff so how the hell can she ignore it all this time guys and ignore me? It makes no sense is she really an awful human being? Does me acting like i was fine mid breakdown to be strong convinced her i was fine? Im sure she heard that i have yet to have a proper relationship since her so something must be going on.

 

I dont even want this girl back i just want a validation that she turned a confident good looking young guy into a cannabis addict that went on to have 3 breakdowns and lose so much weight i was nearly admitted to hospital.Ive had NO person ever help me or ask about what happend in the relationship or how i felt.The one person who was my life cares so little she might not even be aware.

 

Can someone talk some sense into me please? Should i tell her how dissapointed i am in her and how much hurt i have been through becuase she never once returned a call and by rebounding on me she not only hurt me but her husband as well? I just want to say to her that i needed that call from her so badly during those years and by her ignoring me so badly its made everything 100x worse and the more years that pass by the worse it gets.

 

I think that perhaps she thinks that if she ignores this for 15 years by then even if i was still mad it would of been so long that i would feel obliged not to ever reveal it as it would look bad on me as a person for not being able to move on but what can i say im a sucker for getting a sorry? So sue me..... I feel like now i should do this before as more years pass.

 

My plan was well its not a plan its more of a theory is that the more years that pass without any contact or a sorry then on my bitch-scale it means just how bad of a person she really is.By me having to reach out to break NC to make all my points above clear to her it would make it that she could NEVER redeem herself in my eyes.No matter what the response is or would be it would not matter as i would of had to of been the one again to ASK for a sorry.If u give someone a sorry when they ask for it it does not count! Its just a word u felt compelled to say at that moment.A real sorry is reaching out years later and admitting that u made mistakes.

 

I really dont think i can ever move on without doing this people.Nothing nasty just letting my feeling be known on the issue before i put it to bed

Edited January 12, 2012 by childishregrets

[norajane]

I say this with the nicest of intentions - 8 years is too long for you to be so messed up about a break-up, regardless of what happened and regardless of whether she ever called or apologized. That's MESSED UP for you to have nervous breakdowns about it. Get some psychotherapy.

[Exit]

I agree with Norajane, we aren't trying to hurt your feelings but have you sought any professional help after all this time?

 

Here's where your logic is flawed: you can't live your life seeking validation from other people. You have a self confidence issue, because you're unable to get closure and validation on your own. If you know what she did was terrible, if you know you're a good person, if you know you never got an apology, you should be able to add those things up and get your own closure and validation. She quickly got into another relationship, and is now going to marry this person, and she feels no need to address anything in her past. And don't try to say that this self confidence issue is caused by what she did to you, this must have already existed inside of you before this happened otherwise this cycle never would have started.

 

You cannot go through life expecting validation from other people. What about family members of people who get murdered? What if the criminal never apologizes? What if the criminal commits suicide immediately after the crime and isn't alive to offer any kind of validation? How do those people somehow move on? They don't just spend the rest of their lives in a pool of toxic emotions because they never got their apology. Sometimes victims of crime choose to forgive the criminal without even getting an apology. This is because the act of forgiveness is about how it benefits us, not just the other person. Forgiveness is the act of releasing the hatred and resentment built up inside of you to prevent it from affecting your health and happiness, not just to give the other person a free pass for what they did. You need to forgive this girl in your heart, it was 8 years ago. "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

 

It's as if you expect to get a call from this girl right before she gets married and she's going to say "I just wanted to clear my conscience before I have my wedding ceremony. I'm a terrible person with no backbone. I shouldn't even be getting married because my husband is just some extended rebound relationship that I'm using to hide from my mistakes". You make it sound like this is the only way you'd feel better, but this is NEVER going to happen.

 

In life, you work at jobs where your boss might never tell you that you're doing a good job, you can get pulled over for accidentally missing a stop sign for the first time in ten years, friends/lovers/family can hurt you and stab you in the back, and none of these people are going to validate you with an apology.

 

You must have your own backbone, nobody else is going to come along and be your backbone for you.

 

If you are struggling with it this much, then you definitely do qualify as a victim of abuse. Whether or not this ex or anyone else actually abused you is irrelevant, all that matters is that you perceive that you have been abused, you feel like a victim who deserves an apology, and that's what is holding you back.

 

Many of us have ex's who are never going to make an effort to apologize, no matter how terrible they were.

 

It would be best if you learn to let this go. You said it yourself, if you have to ASK her for an apology, it won't really "count" anyway. And she obviously isn't going to do it on her own. So those are the only two options, and you already know neither of them is going to work.

 

And just in case you ever give in and think "obviously I have to contact her if I want any form of apology, even though it won't seem as genuine", let me just tell you what her perspective will be if that happens: CREEPY. She's about to get married and start her life, and some ex from 8 years ago pops up and says he never got his validation and he is still in pain? They would probably get a good laugh out of that. I'm not trying to insult you, I'm trying to save you from insulting yourself. You'll make yourself look really bad if you ever contact this girl, especially at this point in her life. The only thing you could get away with saying without looking like a madman is "saw you're getting married, that's great! Congratulations." But even that is not a good idea, she will sense that you are probably reaching out for some other reason.

 

Think of all the time and energy that you've devoted to this over 8 years, and ask yourself what else you could have accomplished with that. And here's the key, you have to get out of that victim mind set, she wasn't there every day making you hurt and making you think about her, she was out moving on and doing other things. You alone are responsible for how long you've let this hold you back. I've been forcing myself to realize the same thing, although I've only been dealing with it for a month. I sit here feeling like garbage all day and that makes me want to be mad at my ex. But she has zero involvement with me right now. I haven't spoken to her since last month, how is she possibly responsible for what kind of day I had today? I have no idea where she is or what she's doing, but she certainly isn't here telling me to have a bad day. Yes, just her absence makes me sad and has an effect on my mood, but still, at this point, it is now my responsibility to have a good day and figure out how to be happy.

 

You have the power to validate yourself. Good people don't need someone to tell them they're a good person. If you struggle to understand that you have this power, then maybe some professional help would get you to realize it.

Edited January 12, 2012 by Exit

[Dust]

I breifly looked at your other threads. Seems you're having trouble getting over another ex too? Also you mentioned wanting to go to Therapy.

 

You need to change the way you think about all this stuff. The girl didn't owe you any closure. Just move on and create your own happyness and stop blaming a girl you dated 8 years ago for your problems. Good luck to you!

[childishregrets]

It was just her that was giving me issues and nightmares and night sweats.Anyone else and there have been very few since her ive dropped as soon as i saw a red flag but its never bothered me at all.No issues about it either.

 

Its only her that i had the problems with and i should of edited my post as a lot of it was spirit of the moment lacking spelling.I had 2 breakdown's not 3 and one was after we split which i was messed up for like 4 years but i was trying to move on and find someone proper and i knew what i wanted.No ls posting but i was extremely bitter towards her and still had nightmares etc.

 

I moved out into a bad area and got stuck there with neighbours who made my life hell and it was then i lost the weight etc and really went downhill again and it brought everything back. when i moved again to where we used to be aka my mothers home and thats where im posting from.

 

Ill be out of here in a week or so but its made everything seem like ive been transported to the past as the wedding happened etc at the worst time for me as i hate this room and never want to return to it ever.

 

I agree with u though its messed up to feel angry this long.Its made a contribution to how things panned out for sure but those crazy neighbours who almost drove me insane probably played a bigger part to get me to where i am now knowing that i have un resolved issues and its better to just deal with them now finally.It would of probably been a mistake to find someone new and hope that the anger dissapeared as i realise i cant give myself validation and i need help in doing so which im going to seek out asap.

 

I deffo aint gonna break NC either thats for sure i dont know what i was thinking when i wrote the thread about wanting to do that but that photo + memories of this place where i am right now just pushed that crazy button.

 

Also

"It's as if you expect to get a call from this girl right before she gets married and she's going to say "I just wanted to clear my conscience before I have my wedding ceremony. I'm a terrible person with no backbone. I shouldn't even be getting married because my husband is just some extended rebound relationship that I'm using to hide from my mistakes"

Almost! If you had worded it "I just wanted to clear my conscience.I should not of ignored what i done and how long ive neglected you in doing so has been a bad decision.I realise how many times u reached out to me and it must not of been easy after what happened.I hope u are happy and can forgive me and if we pass each other we can say hello and not have awkward silence or turning away from each other.

 

That is the sad thing i really wanted right there, i will just lay it open and see what u think about that..Self validation and confidence issues you say then? I would agree with almost all of what i just read about the topic.I have to make myself realise that by not becoming angry it does not mean that im saying its ok to do such things.I feel like if i meet her im supposed to play this happy game where we ignore our mistakes and act as if its ok to let time heal the wounds.When i keep thinking that its not ok and it could of very easily been fixed by a small call.

 

What i wanted though is not a big ask IMO.Such a small thing to give and yet to some v important but i guess its the measure of the person as well and im really glad that we did not marry TBH.If i had knew that not being civil would be part of a breakup i would never of dated her so im also angry about that as well.I cant delete that from my past either.

 

Im going to print out everything here and show it to a T and see what they make of this.I do know one thing though i sure as hell want to get away from this and be able to date without having skeltons in the closet and fears and nightmares coming out due to my past.Its wrecked almost every chance ive had with someone.

Edited January 12, 2012 by childishregrets

[geegirl]

What's concerning is that it's been 8 years and your emotions are of one that has recently been suffering from a painful break-up. You can still recount your experiences with her after 8 years and that is a strong indication that all you have been doing is dwelling.

 

If she never took accountability for her actions towards you, why would you possibly think that after 8 years, she would be able to reflect and grant you what you need.

 

No one validates you. You validate yourself. You find closure in that you find acceptance that the relationship was toxic for you and that you do not wish to live your life that way. Closure for yourself.

 

You've focused so much on what she did to you that you failed to turn it around and point the finger at you. It's normal to ruminate on the actions of others but at some point you take accountability for you own actions.

 

Why did you stay with someone that abused you? Why did you chase someone that abused you? Why did you allow someone to treat you badly even after there was realization that it was abuse? After every failure in life, you are presented with a lesson. What you do with that lesson is what's most important. What did you do with this lesson?

 

You are requiring an apology to move on. What meaning does an apology have coming from someone that was abusive? Even if she gave it to you now based on a request, would it be just as meaningful to you if she extended it without prompting or would it seem like a pity apology? Would that really allow you to move on? Words are easy, therefore in the scheme of what you went through with her, really means nothing at this point.

 

She's moving on with her life. You should too. Eight years is too long a time for you to still harbor resentment and anger. A song that reminds me of you is Don Henley's Heart of the Matter. Forgiveness is key. When you forgive, you don't need an apology or validation to set you free.

Edited January 12, 2012 by geegirl

[IfiKnewThen]

dear childishregrets,

 

i am so sorry for your pain and suffering. love lost is so darn hard. but it doesnt have to be a life sentence.

 

i am going to be perfectly honest with you. she sounds like she was crule to provide no closure. also she sounds like she was young and you were young, therefore she did not have the basic skills to provide closure. i will bet she really does have no clue how much you were hurt by all of this.

 

things in life can spiral. its up to us to NOT let it spiral as MUCH as we humanly can. in yesteryear, they didnt really have the internet liek this to this degree of websites that have support systems like this. i know 8 years ago was not that long ago and that there were some sites. but maybe you didnt realize that.

 

to me it seems you took avenues that made things worse. maybe you dont realize this...but please hear this out objectively thanks. becoming a canibis (pot) addict was and is not the answer. you may feel it calms you and dulls the pain or senses, but it does stagnate sensibility. any drug and even alcohol...makes depression worse for the most part and in the long run. heck even some anti depressants cause suicidal thoughts in some people.

 

it probably would have been mush better to deal with the pain head on and get love ans support from others and build yourself up and take on positive new adventures....then to smoke pot daily and get trapped living in a place with bad neighbors. believe me i have had my share or horrible neighbors and when your home is not your sanctuary....life can suck bad. we all need to have a place to rest our heads at night and not hate to come home too.

 

but we all need good communication skills to get by in life and not let things escalate. this involves having a clear head first. to beat and conquer what is happening and your reaction to things...first clear out your system. numero uno. otherwise no matter what any of us say....it does get lost in the sauce.

 

again i know how things like having bad neighbors can take the severely compromise the quality of your life.

 

ditch the pot and any substitute drugs. pronto. leave the bad neighborhood. get a good job that makes you happy. dont go to therapy unless you find a good therapist. some are quacks and like a shoe it has to fit. use your common sense. if you EVER want to talk to this woman ..your ex someday...you have to be clean and straight. otherwise you will miss things she is saying and what will you really hear? you will miss things you are saying. you get the point i am sure.

 

i know you said your room is a bad memory..your moms. redo the bedroom there make new and good memories. have a more meaningful relation with your mom. even if she cant give it...you give it. make yourself the best person you can be and be proud to be. your name is childish regrets. dont have nay more regrets. in years to come we get old and sick. be healthy NOW and enjoy your life now. find a new meaning of enjoyment and dont make it drugs. that masks things and makes them worse and truly distorts your thinking. i dont care how good it feels...its not how you were meant to feel and get get through things. make a whole new start one day at a time.

 

the person you have to forgive here is you. go easy on yourself. if you knew better at the time you would have done better. and yes sometimes we go against our better judgment and we are sorry afterwards and we cant turn back the hands of time. but we can have a better life today...in this day ...one day at a time. please move forward. you did good coming here. 8 years can fly by and everything still seem like yesterday. for her its not. she may have her regrets too. nothing is perfect. there are millions of woman out there and people...who are treasures in our lives and sadly we dont see it till its gone. all of us guilty of this. make yourself and other count today. take hold of your life and make it shine with purpose and meaning..and then see the good that will come. have faith. pray to God how you need to speak to him, have your own personal relationship. i wish you peace. and not through a peace pipe. there is no such thing. throw it away.

[IfiKnewThen]

i hope you are well

[childishregrets]

i hope you are well

 

Thanks I logged on for the first time in over a month as i saw your post.Your previous post was right but when u said

it probably would have been mush better to deal with the pain head on and get love ans support from others and build yourself up and take on positive new adventures....then to smoke pot daily and get trapped living in a place with bad neighbors

There was not really a choice apart from the smoking bit.Everyone thinks she is the victim and my parents are not the kind one turns to for advice so apart from a T and the stigma they bring i really had no one to talk too in all those years.I had to do it by myself with everyone blaming me for what happened.The first time i used LS was 6 months ago.

 

Im just trying to lay off LS and thoughts for a bit as it never really helped me in the way i thought it would.To be honest it just opened up more questions i had forgot and made me more angry.The only thing it has helped me with is becoming aware that i cant let go off people who do me wrong or forgive them unless they ask for it or earn it.Its sad that i cant forgive someone even if it is for myself.It makes zero difference to my physche as it keeps coming down to the fact where i said earlier that if i forgive even if it is for myself it still means accepting what they did.Its like if i forgive her then i have to acknowledge her in public and de value what happened and the pain its caused me.Once forgiven for something you can tend to think oh well it wasnt that bad and i was just silly and anways he forgives me so its OK.

 

That really annoys me! And i dont want her to think that or take comfort from it as i dont or cant.

 

I know one ex told me he forgave her and when i see him i think to myself how the hell can u forgive her when she treated you like crap? Are you saying now that its fine you got treated like crap and then dumped for a new guy? Ive lost respect for him this way.I was that new guy who he got dumped for and although i said sorry to him and meant it.I still think he should of told me to get lost and ignored me as i deserve it.Youth is not a valid excuse and if i was really sorry for the lad which i am i would of made a better effort than muttering a meaningless word called sorry.Its hard to open up to a stranger though about how life has put me in his shoes and taught me how he felt.I wonder does her hubby think the same about me?

Would he ever have the guts to say sorry to me?

 

Or does it mean that you accept that she treated you like crap as she never knew any better? Which is not true at all as even after him there was me and then her hubby and everyone got the same treatment at the start with rebounds and using both for sex/attention etc and then dumped.

 

So im saving up some money for my first Therapy sessions soon but im not holding out for any super fixes.I doubt that they will be able to help at all and its something that i will have to forget in time.I guess once life starts looking up and i get distracted with new ladies it will eventually subside into a grudge that i will hold but not get burned from holding like full blown resentment.

 

Also i saw a really cute girl at the dentist a few days ago.Although way too young for me (19-21) at least i got a smile and checked out so i still have hope of attracting someone nice and i must admit it really cheered me up like other girls always do when i know they at least notice me.

 

Its always like this when i see someone.I sometimes think a rebound would of been a hell of a lot easier.

 

 

.

Edited January 31, 2012 by childishregrets

[IfiKnewThen]

hey thanks for writing back and updating. we all help each other, i think, by reading what others go through, how they cope, etc.

 

i know its hard and even impossible to forgive. and you feel like its not even appropriate. i don't think forgiving means ...you tell the person they are forgiven per-say. so she doesn't have to feel she did nothing wrong.

 

i don't think a person can lie to themselves...say they have forgiven something and haven't.

 

something has to be worked out inside of us to forgive someone else and move forward. but some things people cant forgive and that's OK, i think.

 

but you cant let it interfere with your life. then its not ok. the act against you is allowed to be repeated through u. that's the cycle , i think, that has to stop.

 

they say in the dictionary: Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

 

to me you need only to conclude..its over and it doesn't have to get u angry and dominate your life anymore.

 

i dont know if i forgave offense or finally saw them as not the priority they used to be. in other words..you can be sick, and face a quality of life situation or life and death situation and suddenly, things that might have matter so much before become seemingly incidental. then you start to realize how much time was wasted on an event. or that the event wasn't managed right and made u sick. its not worth it. so it behooves us to try as best as we can to move forward and survive in a way that's beneficial to us and our health and well being so we can feel joy again.

 

if you pretended u were your own son, or someone u love, and you had compassion for them for what they went thru...you have to give yourself the same compassion as you would have for them and now find peace for yourself. drugs...yes may help in the beginning...to dull the pain, but not in the long run. ever. so its a bad beginning to do drugs. thats all i am saying. u seem so smart and really have a a lot on the ball. i am glad you got a positive response with that girl. i will tell you that i personally write down every good thing that happens to me in a day..and i dont write down the bad....just specifically so i can focus on the good and change my mind set or train my mindset accordingly. i dont say i will feel good forever...life is what is is...hard and painful to the core sometimes. but if we dont balance it out proper..how will we feel joy again? take good care of yourself and God bless.

Edited February 2, 2012 by IfiKnewThen