2 years, 2 endings

[Pens55]

Hi all...Im back!

 

I was here about a year ago after a pretty intense breakup. Loved each other VERY much for a year, but she went cold for about a month then eventually ended it. During the last weeks of the original R, she was like a different person: cry, rage at me, apologize, show signs of severe depression, panic, etc...all in the span of days.

 

After the BU, we still talked sporadically and I still believe that her actions/emotions were out of her control - i.e. she felt vulnerable and needed to run (she told me she was bipolar...but I dont know that was a true diagnosis or just an explaination of how she felt at times) Well, eventually we met up and had a long talk, a lot of tears and it seemed she was ready to work on us. The one thing I should have paid attention to was that, while she seemed remorseful and knew she made the wrong deision, she never admitted her faults or gave me justification.

 

So over the next 8ish months, I was in limbo. We would talk all the time, see each other 1-2 times a week, but it definitely was not back to what it was. From past problems, I know she has major trust (among other) issues, so I promised myself I would stick by her side and help her though everything (again, this should have been a red flag for my own personal issues). The strangest part of this is that we never officially got back together, but I was 'bf' sometimes and 'not bf' other times. We also went to her family functions together. This limbo phase was awful for me - we fought quite a bit, due to the stress of me wanting to be with her completely and something in her not being able to open up...it just wore on me over time. It was a total push-pull situation.

 

Anyway, around the same time it ended last year, we got in a minor disagreement this year, which resulted in 3 days of not speaking. I sent her a message after the 3rd day asking what was up and I got something like "This is going to be a really stressful time for me. Im sorry that Im not perfect." In hindsight, I responded harshly, saying that I felt used and she was pretty much a horrible person...but it was just too much for me.

 

I dont doubt that I will hear from her again, but I am hoping I have learned my lesson. I will not contact her, I will avoid places where we may see each other, and I will not put my life on hold for hope. At this point, I will accept nothing less than "Im sorry, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I love you, here is what I did wrong, and here is what I will do to fix it."

 

Even if I hear that, I hope I have the strength to make the best decision for me. My heart tells me one thing, but my mind says this is a repetitive cycle that I cannot change. Its just a horrible feeling to love someone who may not be capable of loving you back. Ive read other posts about BPD ex's, and while I wouldnt label her that (can BP and BPD coexist or can they mimic one another?), I do see many similarities. I could probably classify myself as a bit on the codependent side, so the BPD-like actions make this SO much harder for me.

 

I wanted to bang this out before I go to bed tonight, just to clear my mind. But I would really appreciate any thoughts, suggestions, or just a kind word. I'll surely be back in the morning to lick my wounds some more. Wishing you all the best, stay strong...

[M2155]

Interesting story. Sounds like you gave it your best shot and did all you could do. If she knows what she wants, you know it's different from what you want. Limbo really sucks. All the best in moving on, I think you realize it's time for you to do whats best for yourself in the long run.

[Exit]

Our situations are almost identical. My ex an I had an original relationship a little longer than a year, she left me, we stayed in contact, had a period of limbo where she obviously still liked me but refused to say we were back together, this just caused more stress because (just like you) I was bothered by not officially being back together so I would constantly ask, and just get pushed away. Finally made it back to officially being in a relationship, made it a few months, and now it's over again.

 

Same thing as you, I was excited to have the relationship back, and although there were tears and apologies for what she had done to me, obviously I never got a true apology for the way she is, because she just did it all over again.

 

Aaaand even more similarities, I definitely fall into codependent territory and I see many signs that my ex could have BPD but I shy away from talking about it because people always take it as "you're trying to make an excuse for your failures by saying your ex has some disorder".

 

As for your question I suppose being bipolar could look like BPD or vice versa. Bipolar is simply ups and downs of manic and depressive episodes, and BPD involves hot/cold behavior, push/pull tactics in relationships, their brains operate in a black/white way where people are either all good or all bad, so you can see the similarities between the two. It's about operating mentally and emotionally at two opposite ends of the spectrum instead of being able to moderate somewhere in between. Disorders hardly ever fall into a strict range of symptoms and they can have aspects of other things mixed in, there are aspects of narcissism (NPD) that can be displayed in borderline disorder, etc.

 

Anyways, I'm in the same boat as you, just trying to get over it unless that magical day ever comes along where I hear "I totally screwed up and this is what I'm willing to do", and then I'd have to decide if I even want to believe it or just say "that is music to my ears but I'm sorry, too much happened and I can't trust what you're saying".

 

Just try to stick to NC for now, it's the only way to resist our codependent addictions of wanting to be caught up in the drama and the chase.

[Pens55]

Thanks to you both for your responses. And Exit, thanks for sharing. Sorry you have to deal with that situation, but I guess it helps to know youre not the only one.

 

I think my biggest problem is not being able to understand her way of rationalizing and expressing herself. Breakups happen -we accept that. Sometimes for good reasons, or even reasons that can be somewhat justified by one of the parties. Even being cheated on brings a sort of closure.

 

But when one decides to end it for incoherent reasons and show emotions that suggest they are not totally dealing with reality, it seems to be so much harder. It gives you hope that they will eventually see the truth, and will realize the feelings that you know they have...the worst part is, I think they know how they really feel too, they are just incapable of accepting it.

 

I'm a person who gives it my all in relationships and tries to please the other person - so I became a slave to her unrealistic needs and feelings. But as a person who has had some small mental health issues, I was sympathetic to difficulties and thought that my compassion and understanding could 'fix' her issues. Which I now understand is a futile exercise...such a hard time not internalizing it as a failing...

[Pens55]

Just a bit of an update during my day: Not feeling too well, but definitely not a rock-bottom type feeling. Still looking at my phone for a missed call/text when Im near it, but have been keeping it away from me... and I have fleeting thoughts of contacting her. I guess the good news is, I have not acted on the impulses and find they fade a bit if given time.

 

This whole situation is just surreal to me. We both live in a small town so it makes me consider everything in attempts to steer clear, which is going to be diffficult for quite some time. I feel like this would be so much easier if we were farther apart.

 

Again, anything anyone has to offer would be appreciated...

[Exit]

I can't avoid internalizing the blame for my situation as well. It's really ridiculous, I think most other guys would say this should be my most blameless breakup ever and easy to forget about, my ex had a horrible childhood, has had mental issues before, has a screwed up family, has hardly any education, lies constantly, etc etc. I'm not trying to trash my ex by any means but what I'm saying is I think a lot of people would classify this one as "dodging a bullet" and move on relatively quickly. It's like all these things about her life and personality would make it clear to other people that they weren't at fault for losing her, she's just nuts. I find a way to turn this logic all around on myself: I wasn't even good enough for someone with low education, a part time job, a messed up family, etc. I'm always so hard on myself. No matter how much she did wrong I feel guilty.

 

Anyways, do your best with the NC. It really is the only way to regain some of our power and sanity. I'm a few days away from a full month of NC. This is the loooongest I have ever not talked to her, and I'm still miserable and not exactly healed, but I feel better than I would if I was pursuing her and hearing about what other crap she has been up to.

[flitzanu]

i'm a little confused at why you have reason to be mad? you weren't together, from what you said, she isn't/wasn't your gf, and right now your story sounds like you're treating her like one.

 

if you knew going into your "friendship" and you trying to take care of her and fix her life, that you were not TOGETHER, then that's on you, not her.

 

if you made the choice to HELP her through all this mess she is in or claims to be in, and now you're walking away because of a petty argument, then it doesn't sound like you were doing it because you cared, but because you were trying to just win her back.

 

and that's how it's going to look to her, you just walked away when she "needed you".

 

now...other hand...she just had her cake and got to eat it. she dumped you and still kept you around without having you around. that's cold for her to do, but still...it sounds like you knew this. i think you should tell her what you feel about it instead of just sulking off because you couldn't handle it anymore just being her friend.

[Pens55]

Thanks Exit, sounds like you have a pretty decent hold on your thoughts at this point. I think what you said is spot on...everyone else knows you are better off, but you feel that you are not good enough for someone (who probably isnt good enough for you). But yes, I would rather not hear any information, as it would probably just cause me harm.

 

flitzanu - Thanks for your honest take on the situation. I think you hit the biggest problem. Neither of us would honestly classify it as a friendship at any point, it was definitely more but she was "scared" to allow herself to open up. It was that I was expected to act like a boyfriend, while being pushed and pulled all the time.

 

It was not me leaving after a small argument, it was her choosing to leave. I made contact a couple times after the "fight" (her words, I wouldnt even classify it as such) and basically got no response to speak of.

 

To be clear, her feeling the need to leave me because of some "stress" or "issue" has happened twice now. I can honestly say that before the breakup the first time around, I was extremely good to her. Yeah, we had minor problems, but nothing that couldnt easily be talked about - I had no indications of her unhappiness with me until she started becoming a bit erratic during the last few weeks. When she was going through things the first time, I was broken up with and hurting so badly, but I still made every attempt I could to help her. I tried to be as understanding as I could for a very long time, with only glimpses of her love for me and reassurances here and there that I was the one for the long run.

 

As far as walking away when she needed me, I have never done that. Her problem is she cannot allow herself to be helped. I believe that external stressors cause her to focus her anger/fears on me, as the person closest to her and who she felt most vulnerable toward, and it also causes her to run.

 

Believe me, if I heard "I am having this problem," I would be there to help. Instead, I get "Im having problems, I dont want you around." Personally, I take comfort in having someone special when I am going through a rough period...but for her, it is the complete opposite - she looks at it as she does not want any vulnerability or have any way to be hurt. The only way I can explain it is that I look at all of the good of having someone around and she looks at all the possible ways it could make her feel worse.