PIM Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 I'm a pretty grounded guy and I'm pretty truthful with myself even if the truth really sucks. So if a girl is blowing me off or not answering my calls after a couple of tries I take the hint and move on. However this latest girl has me completely baffled. Here's the good: * I've been out with her twice already and in both instances we had great chemistry and ended it with a nice little make out session. Actually the first date we were making out throughout but second date only ended with it. * She usually answers my calls and we tend to pretty fun conversations over the phone usually 30 mins or longer. * She's not very prompt about answering my texts but she always does answer them. Here's the bad: * I've done all the work up till this point. I'm the one that initiates texts, calls, and invites her out. Which I don't mind doing 90% of the work but she's not even doing 10%. I mean I literally am always the first to reach out. And it's not even that often. I try to call once a week and maybe text once a week as well. * Setting up dates with her is a pain. For the first date I had to ask her out a couple of times due to things going on in her life which I understood. The second date she actually canceled on me but quickly she made plans for us. That was 2 weeks ago since then we've talked on the phone and I've asked her to hang out a few times since then the most recent was to ask her if she wanted to grab a drink but she said she's really busy with a new job and things are pretty crazy right now. So basically I texted 'Next Time?' and she replied 'Definitely'. This is basically the 2nd or 3rd time since our 2nd date she basically said she can't really go out. I have no idea what to think at this point...
jobaba Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 I'm a pretty grounded guy and I'm pretty truthful with myself even if the truth really sucks. So if a girl is blowing me off or not answering my calls after a couple of tries I take the hint and move on. However this latest girl has me completely baffled. Here's the good: * I've been out with her twice already and in both instances we had great chemistry and ended it with a nice little make out session. Actually the first date we were making out throughout but second date only ended with it. * She usually answers my calls and we tend to pretty fun conversations over the phone usually 30 mins or longer. * She's not very prompt about answering my texts but she always does answer them. Here's the bad: * I've done all the work up till this point. I'm the one that initiates texts, calls, and invites her out. Which I don't mind doing 90% of the work but she's not even doing 10%. I mean I literally am always the first to reach out. And it's not even that often. I try to call once a week and maybe text once a week as well. * Setting up dates with her is a pain. For the first date I had to ask her out a couple of times due to things going on in her life which I understood. The second date she actually canceled on me but quickly she made plans for us. That was 2 weeks ago since then we've talked on the phone and I've asked her to hang out a few times since then the most recent was to ask her if she wanted to grab a drink but she said she's really busy with a new job and things are pretty crazy right now. So basically I texted 'Next Time?' and she replied 'Definitely'. This is basically the 2nd or 3rd time since our 2nd date she basically said she can't really go out. I have no idea what to think at this point... Perfect situation. You've already 'gotten' her. Keep her on the side and keep looking for other girls. No woman could be so special after two dates that she demands your full attention if she's being apathetic towards the whole issue.
TheFinalWord Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 I've been there before. I'd say back off a bit if you are starting to get attached. You don't want to let feelings develop for a girl that is barely giving anything. Let her wonder about you and not make it so easy for her. We're all busy! Make time with you as special as she is making hers out to be. I repeat, don't get hung up. I've made that mistake before!
phineas Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 OP, when a woman tells me she is "busy" I tell her to give me a call when she is no longer "busy" & we will plan something. Then I don't contact her again & look for someone else. I she calls me great! A date! If she doesn't? Great! no more time wasting. If a woman can't see me once a week for a date I move on. I can't get to know somebody at that pace. She either has a really full dance card and i feel like i'm wasting my time or she really is THAT busy. which won't work for me anyways. Yeah, i'm still single. but honestly i'd rather drop luke-warm women left & right & be single until I meet someone that wants to put in some effort.
FitChick Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 OP, when a woman tells me she is "busy" I tell her to give me a call when she is no longer "busy" & we will plan something. Then I don't contact her again. I think this is a good plan. If she really is busy at work, you could be adding to her stress. Give her the benefit of the doubt. If she is interested, she will call. If not, you haven't wasted any more time and energy.
phineas Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 I think this is a good plan. If she really is busy at work, you could be adding to her stress. Give her the benefit of the doubt. If she is interested, she will call. If not, you haven't wasted any more time and energy. well, it isn't like i'm going to get married again anytime soon. It seems at my age things with women either move really slow or move really fast & then are done almost as quickly.
Author PIM Posted January 12, 2012 Author Posted January 12, 2012 Yeah I guess I already knew that I probably should just back off and have her call me when she's good and ready but I guess I thought I was afraid that I really didn't have the hooks in and that if I didn't make the effort it would all just fade away. However you guys are right I should back off. I figure I'll give her a call next week to make plans and if she's busy I'll tell her to give me a call when she's not and then I'll just move on.
stillafool Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 OP, when a woman tells me she is "busy" I tell her to give me a call when she is no longer "busy" & we will plan something. Then I don't contact her again & look for someone else. I she calls me great! A date! If she doesn't? Great! no more time wasting. If a woman can't see me once a week for a date I move on. I can't get to know somebody at that pace. She either has a really full dance card and i feel like i'm wasting my time or she really is THAT busy. which won't work for me anyways. Yeah, i'm still single. but honestly i'd rather drop luke-warm women left & right & be single until I meet someone that wants to put in some effort. This is excellent advice for men. If more men followed this rule it would clear up alot of confusion on their part. MEN TAKE THIS ADVICE ALWAYS!
Freddys Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 If a woman is trully interested in someone, will make time for a date, no matter what. If you deal with yourself with the 90% - 10% scale, too bad then. Back off (completely), she knows you are interested in her, she will contact you. Let her wonder what are you doing (. . . and so on). Not saying much with texts (keep it simple) and keep it mysterious. Women LOVE challenges and they do EVERYTHING (EVERYTHING) to prove that the man they date isn't challenge at all, so they have to move on as fast as possible, looking for the RIGHT ONE.
Author PIM Posted February 3, 2012 Author Posted February 3, 2012 So here's the deal. I texted over the weekend to hang out and she said basically yea we should do something on Sunday. Well that was Saturday night and I was out and about and didn't get a chance to reply. Anyway I texted her here early Sunday to set something up and she didn't reply. I called her that night around 6 and she picked up but said she was out with friends and that she'll text me back later when she gets home. Well she didn't. I decided right then and there to write her off completely and deleted her number. Fast forward 4 days later she just texted me and said she was really sorry to not contact me back and that she wants to meet up next week and do something. Not sure what to do here. On the one hand she's so beautiful, smart and funny. On the other hand she's flaky, much younger than I am, and I don't want to seem like a doormat. To the ladies out there, I was thinking of texting her that "Up until this point I just didn't think you were that into me and that's fine I'd rather someone be honest so I can go find someone who is. Not sure about next week I have to think it over". And this is not a game basically being honest. What do you guys think?
xpaperxcutx Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 She kind of reminds me of me lol Why? don't you pick up the phone and call her? Its better to force her card than let her jerk you around with texts Make sure to set up a specific time and place so she wont be able to back out at rhe last minute.
veggirl Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 So here's the deal. I texted over the weekend to hang out and she said basically yea we should do something on Sunday. Well that was Saturday night and I was out and about and didn't get a chance to reply. Anyway I texted her here early Sunday to set something up and she didn't reply. I called her that night around 6 and she picked up but said she was out with friends and that she'll text me back later when she gets home. Well she didn't. I decided right then and there to write her off completely and deleted her number. Fast forward 4 days later she just texted me and said she was really sorry to not contact me back and that she wants to meet up next week and do something. Not sure what to do here. On the one hand she's so beautiful, smart and funny. On the other hand she's flaky, much younger than I am, and I don't want to seem like a doormat. To the ladies out there, I was thinking of texting her that "Up until this point I just didn't think you were that into me and that's fine I'd rather someone be honest so I can go find someone who is. Not sure about next week I have to think it over". And this is not a game basically being honest. What do you guys think? Well, the problem with your idea of a text is that she will most likely reply with "no no I am def interested, just been soooo busy" or some variation of that. Then what?
Author PIM Posted February 3, 2012 Author Posted February 3, 2012 I've called her plenty. I left voicemails of which she didn't return. I'm again doing about 95% of the work and I just want some kind of signal that she wants to see and enjoys my company. I've called her once or twice a week since we've meet and I think she might have called me maybe once or twice total. I'm just sick and tired of this being so one sided.
Author PIM Posted February 3, 2012 Author Posted February 3, 2012 Well, the problem with your idea of a text is that she will most likely reply with "no no I am def interested, just been soooo busy" or some variation of that. Then what? Not sure but I want her to at least state some kind of interest. I've been upfront, understanding, and been leading the whole way but all I got has been aloofness and lots of maybes. I felt good letting her go a few days ago and now she texts me? Again she is much younger than I am but god this is frustrating.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 Well, the problem with your idea of a text is that she will most likely reply with "no no I am def interested, just been soooo busy" or some variation of that. Then what? Very very true. Calling out her behavior wont change her. Op right now you're not a priority. The worst thing that ll happen is that ull get the occasional texts here and there... this girl does not know what she wants but she knows that ur interested hence y she keeps jerking you around.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 I've called her plenty. I left voicemails of which she didn't return. I'm again doing about 95% of the work and I just want some kind of signal that she wants to see and enjoys my company. I've called her once or twice a week since we've meet and I think she might have called me maybe once or twice total. I'm just sick and tired of this being so one sided. She's interested in the idea of being pursued. Just not you. You're the one makung yourself miserable by going after her.
veggirl Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 OP if you felt good letting her go, then let her go. I think it's for the best. And as you have mentioned a couple times she is much younger...what are your ages? You have only gone out 2x. She should be excited to see YOU! She should be looking forward to and contributing to the next date. You shouldn't have to chase her THIS MUCH. It's too much. I would just tell her I don't think it's going to work out. Make her ACTUALLY make a decision. If she is just like "okay" or "well, if that's what you want", or some other wishy washy thing, there ya go. The bottom line is that it just should not be this difficult. When two people are into each other, it's evident -- on AND off the date. Sorry
Author PIM Posted February 3, 2012 Author Posted February 3, 2012 Geez it's not like I'm ancient. She's 22 and I'm 29. I also guess I exaggerated how much I contact her. Usually I call her maybe once or twice a week. If it's twice she usually picks up the 2nd time and we usually have a good conversation probably 30 mins or longer. On top of that I do usually text and she always gets back to me but it takes forever. Sometimes a few hours and sometimes the next day. The one thing I did not exaggerate is that I do 95% of the initiating. She has initiated a call twice and this is the first time she texted me without me texting her first. Also I did feel good letting her go but it was in hopes that either A) She contacts me and wants to go out B) I totally forget about her eventually and meet someone else.
TheSingleGuy Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 Dude, I feel your pain. This is the story of my life, only they never tell me they're too busy. They always agree to a date and then the day of, they don't respond to texts or phone calls. Makes me want to vomit. They tell us, just be confident, and being treated like this is somehow supposed to help with this? I have pursued some of these women through their bull**** and slept with them. The most frustrating one took me six months. It was NOT worth the mental anguish. She flaked on me for dates probably, I'm embarrassed to say. North of ten times, I'd bet. I would decide to never pursue her again and then she'd bait me back in with text messages. The attention whores didn't have this much power before texting came about. You just gotta understand, that when you pursue a girl who isn't interested, it feels like rejection. It is not a good feeling at all. And it can do serious damage to your mental self image. Few men can endure this treatment repeatedly without suffering lasting damage. Five years of being single has taught me one thing, one critical lesson, that has helped a lot. The more investment you make in pursuit of her, the harder the rejection feels. For example, if I get eyes from a girl and approach her and try to strike up a conversation, and I it goes no where, it's no biggie. Five years ago, this was a bigger deal, but now, having more realistic expectations for myself, it's no biggie. If I get her number and text or call her and ask her out, that's more investment. If she flakes on the date at the last minute and I keep trying, and set up another date, that's more investment. The more investment, the stronger the feeling of rejection. I am finally to the point, I think, that I can start to keep the feelings of rejection out of it better. I think it's a function of realistic expectations. But it has been five years of sometimes massive frustration, combined with feelings of loneliness and rejection. When I hear stories like this, it just makes me hate all women. I shouldn't, but deep down inside, this is how I truly feel.
spiderowl Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 It's hard to see what's happening here, to be honest. She's only 22 though. I am not saying you should not be going out with a 22 year old, but at 22 I was not capable of understanding how a guy felt. I did not understand how tough it can be for guys having to take the initiative and figure out whether women are interested or not. They seemed confident and persistent to me and I was hopeless at the dating thing. I turned most guys down because their intensity scared me. I am not saying the girl you are interested in is anything like me; she's probably not. But, you may be looking for something more involved than she is. Or, it could be the other way round and she may think you only calling once or twice a week indicates you are 'playing the field' the rest of the time and only calling her when you're bored. She may be playing it cool because of that. She may not be playing anything at all, just is in demand if she's so beautiful. I'd suggest you contact her a little more often, and ask her out a couple of times more, giving her chance to suggest alternative dates and places. If she still doesn't respond positively, forget her. If she does go out with you, then tell her you're really interested in her and want to get things right. Ask her to let you know if she's interested too. Tell her you need some indication as to whether she is interested in being with you because you don't want to bother her if not. Say you'll leave her to make contact as you feel it's getting a bit one-sided. Give her chance to respond on the spot but also let her know that you'll leave her to think about it. Then leave it. If she doesn't get back to you, at least you'll know. However, if she makes contact in some form and encourages meeting again, then she is interested even if she doesn't come back and say it all verbally.
GoodHeart1981 Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 Excuse the cliche but it sounds like she's not that into you. It's also very possible that you are in fact too old for her, at least from her perspective. When I was in my early 20's, I had been pursued by older guys, more than 4 yrs older and sometimes I just went with it just for the heck of it-- knowing that it wasn't going anywhere and knowing that I didn't have any sort of feelings for the guys. It sucks but kind of like men use women for sex knowing that the woman wants more, women go on dates for the amusement. Hate to say it but I've been this girl. Just move on. If she wanted you, she'd make time for you.
GoodHeart1981 Posted February 3, 2012 Posted February 3, 2012 Dude, I feel your pain. This is the story of my life, only they never tell me they're too busy. They always agree to a date and then the day of, they don't respond to texts or phone calls. Makes me want to vomit. They tell us, just be confident, and being treated like this is somehow supposed to help with this? I have pursued some of these women through their bull**** and slept with them. The most frustrating one took me six months. It was NOT worth the mental anguish. She flaked on me for dates probably, I'm embarrassed to say. North of ten times, I'd bet. I would decide to never pursue her again and then she'd bait me back in with text messages. The attention whores didn't have this much power before texting came about. You just gotta understand, that when you pursue a girl who isn't interested, it feels like rejection. It is not a good feeling at all. And it can do serious damage to your mental self image. Few men can endure this treatment repeatedly without suffering lasting damage. Five years of being single has taught me one thing, one critical lesson, that has helped a lot. The more investment you make in pursuit of her, the harder the rejection feels. For example, if I get eyes from a girl and approach her and try to strike up a conversation, and I it goes no where, it's no biggie. Five years ago, this was a bigger deal, but now, having more realistic expectations for myself, it's no biggie. If I get her number and text or call her and ask her out, that's more investment. If she flakes on the date at the last minute and I keep trying, and set up another date, that's more investment. The more investment, the stronger the feeling of rejection. I am finally to the point, I think, that I can start to keep the feelings of rejection out of it better. I think it's a function of realistic expectations. But it has been five years of sometimes massive frustration, combined with feelings of loneliness and rejection. When I hear stories like this, it just makes me hate all women. I shouldn't, but deep down inside, this is how I truly feel. If you are starting to hate women, you shouldn't be trying to date them. It seems like you're martyring yourself to romance when you don't need to. If you're pursuing women that flake on you, that's your own deal. Stop doing it. Managing our expectations is a huge part of dating but it has to start from the very beginning. I've noticed a pattern of men thinking that because a woman agrees to exchange contact information after a first meeting that whatever level of interest the man had in approaching said woman, is mutual. It isn't. The good part is, these women don't think you're a creepy killer- there's something about you that didn't scare her away but she doesn't know you. She didn't approach you. You approached her. Now after the calls start, it's possible that she's turned off. Believe it or not, there are many times that women don't want to hurt a guy's feelings. It's immature and adults shouldn't behave this way but it's human nature that people still expect others to be able to take hints and get clues. If a girl isn't returning your texts or calls, stop contacting her. If a girl totally flakes on you for a date, that should be the last time you try to take her anywhere. You shouldn't internalize these behaviors because if these women are shady human beings then that really has nothing to do with you. If you go along with it, willingly, why do you like being angry? It's not worth it. Have fun and spend your life with girls who don't suck!
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