naomii Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Would you still see a guy when he still is active on a dating site? Were not official and are still getting to know eachother so technically we both are free to date other people, but he says he wants to see where things could go with us. Him saying that makes me feel like he shouldnt be looking around anymore and focusing just on me. Am i right or am i overreacting? I should say that he and i had a casual relationship over the past year (which i ended and now he suddenly "wants to get to know me" which was his idea). We havent had sex since and have been talking frequently. It just bothers me that hes still looking. Id feel differently if we had just met, but we have quite a long history together already.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 He's still on the prowl. If a guy ever fed me a line like that i kick him out the door. I don't waste my time with guys who sees me as second best.
carhill Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Were you exclusive sexually when it was 'casual'? Much as people like to be enlightened about casual sex/FWB, etc, it's very difficult to 'back up' a relationship in a healthy way. You're seeing some of that now. You and he could have agreed to progress the existing casual relationship to a more involved emotional one without the physical part ending. Evidently that didn't fly. So, you have essentially a clean slate, like you had never had sex and didn't 'know' each other in 'that way'. He's like a stranger again, albeit a vaguely familiar one. Ergo, he's keeping his options open, as you should, until the current, 'new' dynamic progresses like any other dating dynamic.
Author naomii Posted January 12, 2012 Author Posted January 12, 2012 Thanks for the replies. No we werent exclusive when we were FWB. I wanted to be with him as more but he wanted to drink and mess around. Now that hes quit drinking, he says hed like to see where things could go with us. Should i even mention the dating site to him? He doesnt know that i know about it.
blueskyday Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Just tell him that you like being with him and don't want to see other people. Ask him if he feels/wants the same. This would make you "exclusive." Then tell him that you wouldn't feel comfortable sleeping or exclusively dating a guy who was active on a dating site or presenting himself as "single." If he agrees to see only you, check the website in a week or so. And DON"T sleep with him until it's down. Just keep repeating your rule. He should take it down on his own anyway, but I've had this happen in the beginning of a relationship. After I said the above, the guy took it down the next day.
TheFinalWord Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 (edited) Yes, you are ok to say it should bother you b/c you think he should care about you. But he doesn't. This guy has no character. He's a child. Why do you want to have a relationship with him? Do you want a man or a boy? Please answer that for yourself. If you were FWB he knows you well enough Please understand that you can't "snag" a man by having sex with him. Girls constantly make this mistake. If can have sex with no strings attached it is rare that he's going to develop feelings or see you as anything serious. He still hasn't said it's exclusive so you can't exert rights. Stalking his dating profile will drive you nuts. Tell him what you want and if he isn't ready cut ties with him. He knows enough about you to know if you're what he wants in a gf. He's keeping you on the backburner. Probably thinks if he hits a dry spell he can get you anytime by feeding you some bs about "seeing where it goes". This guy is a player. Sorry to be harsh, but I wouldn't take him serious. I'm sorry. Edited January 12, 2012 by TheFinalWord
Author naomii Posted January 12, 2012 Author Posted January 12, 2012 Thanks for the replies, they are really helpful! It's only been a week since we decided to "see where things could go" and I was very impressed by how much attention he gave me. We literally talked every single day, and he was the one initiating most of the contact. Before, we'd go days, sometimes weeks, without speaking to eachother (when we were FWB). I spent the night with him last weekend (no sex, and he told me a few days later that he didnt even try to because he doesnt want me to think thats all he wants.) Should I just flat out tell him that I want to be exclusive since we've known eachother so long? I feel like we should be exclusive while we get to know eachother. Or should I give it a little bit longer?
Author naomii Posted January 12, 2012 Author Posted January 12, 2012 Also, any advice on how to stop myself from looking at his dating site? It does drive me crazy, but looking at it reminds me that something isn't right that i really need to address with him and that he perhaps isnt as serious about us as he leads on.. I've stopped myself for a couple days, then i get curious as to whether he's logged on or not (he usually only gets on at night when hes bored at home ive noticed).
EnigmaticClarity Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Yes, you are ok to say it should bother you b/c you think he should care about you. But he doesn't. This guy has no character. He's a child. Why do you want to have a relationship with him? Do you want a man or a boy? Please answer that for yourself. Did I miss something? They're not steady or exclusive, but you're holding him accountable for being exclusive? WHY?
salparadise Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Should I just flat out tell him that I want to be exclusive since we've known eachother so long? I feel like we should be exclusive while we get to know eachother. Or should I give it a little bit longer? Also, any advice on how to stop myself from looking at his dating site? It does drive me crazy, but looking at it reminds me that something isn't right that i really need to address with him and that he perhaps isnt as serious about us as he leads on.. I've stopped myself for a couple days, then i get curious as to whether he's logged on or not (he usually only gets on at night when hes bored at home ive noticed). Ah, a range of perspectives... here's mine. You're starting a new relationship. Forget the previous FWB arrangement as though it never happened and do not let it affect your reasoning or timing. You've been seeing him for a week since the new "let's see where this goes" paradigm. You aren't yet officially a couple and exclusivity has not been discussed or agreed upon, yet you both understand the direction it's headed. You want exclusivity and for the relationship to progress but you don't know what his motivations are. Either he is sincerely wanting to be in a relationship with you or he just wants to have sex again and is willing to play the game in order to do so while at the same time cruising for other opportunities on the dating site. This is something every new couple that meets on a dating site has to deal with, so it's not a four alarm situation. Your goal at this time should be to understand his true character and motivation rather than just getting him to take down the profile on the dating site. The best way to do that is by saying less instead of more and listening and observing––including his dating site activity. If you direct him to take down the profile in order to get sex none of this will get sorted out. Instead, when he tries to initiate sex tell him you're only interested in being physical in the context of a committed relationship. This is a perfectly reasonable thing to want regardless of the previous situation. If he brings that up just say it was an unfortunate misjudgment on your part and you aren't going to do it again. If he then asks you to be exclusive give him a big hug and kiss and say, OK, let's give it a try. BUT wait until that profile comes down to have sex and don't tell him that you know about it and are waiting for it to come down. This will be the thing that tells you whether or not he's just playing you for sex or really investing himself in the relationship. It's putting the ball in his court in a very good way for you, because you don't want just get him to create the illusion you're hoping to see, you want to truly understand his character, motivations and commitment to the relationship. Waiting until he takes down the profile of his own initiative, and without tipping him off, puts him in control of his own destiny without him actually knowing it, and protects you to a large degree from getting played.
Author naomii Posted January 13, 2012 Author Posted January 13, 2012 Thanks, thats what i was thinking too. I dont plan to have sex with him until if/when we are a couple. Unfortunately though, i dont think hes serious about being with me. I havent really spent time with him since last friday. Im happy that we talk more but i feel like we should see eachother more often if he really wanted things to progress. He seems more interested in hanging out with his buddy than he does me, so im not putting too much hope on us becoming more..
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 You and others are trying to establish gray areas where there is only black and white. You are either "exclusive", and with it you get to (basically 'demand'... via an "either, or" statement) that he cease with the dating site, OR you are not exclusive, and you have no say in how he lives his social life. This goes many times over if indeed you are NOT having sex with him in the present. You profess to be interested in dating him (eventually 'exclusively', so I perceive) and if that is your central desire then you should stop playing the game and put your cards face-up on the table and tell him you've been monitoring his dating site, and that you ARE hoping to attain exclusivity before long. Tell him honestly that you find yourself 'challenged' by (your own concerns) in relation to his (use of the) dating site/profile. This isn't a major issue, and for that reason your position on the subject doesn't need to be so guarded. Take this opportunity to at least strongly hint at your interests in him romantically while also expressing your feelings directly about the dating site. (by the way, while he has every right to remain on the dating site when you are neither exclusive nor having sex... YOU have a right to feel as you will about that... AND you have a right to express yourself to him. So create with the opportunity a chance to {show some emotional vulnerability} while communicating that he matters to you )
Emilia Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 Thanks for the replies. No we werent exclusive when we were FWB. I wanted to be with him as more but he wanted to drink and mess around. Now that hes quit drinking, he says hed like to see where things could go with us. Should i even mention the dating site to him? He doesnt know that i know about it. He says this he says that, he gives you a little attention and it's enough to have you hooked. He is not a decent guy with a strong character. He is looking because he isn't serious about you, he proved that when you wanted to turn your casual FWB thing into something more. There are a lot of decent men out there, I think you should go and find one.
TheFinalWord Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Did I miss something? They're not steady or exclusive, but you're holding him accountable for being exclusive? WHY? No, I'm not holding anyone accountable except the OP to her gut instinct. She wants to progress towards exclusivity, his actions indicate the opposite. IMHO he's playing her. naomii just out of curiosity, how do you know he is active on the site? Just because he logs into the site? I'm assuming that's all you can see unless you have his passwords. You could be driving yourself nuts for nothing. When I did OLD I still had a profile up even when I was dating someone. Sometimes I would log into it just for curiosity, but I never had any intention of contacting anyone on there or even scanning profiles. Either way I think you should have a conversation with him to gauge where you stand with him. Where does he see this going? You two have enough of a history that he should have a general idea by this point. If you don't feel like he's putting in enough effort I would go with you gut and move on.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 16, 2012 Posted January 16, 2012 Thanks, thats what i was thinking too. I dont plan to have sex with him until if/when we are a couple. Unfortunately though, i dont think hes serious about being with me. I havent really spent time with him since last friday. Im happy that we talk more but i feel like we should see eachother more often if he really wanted things to progress. He seems more interested in hanging out with his buddy than he does me, so im not putting too much hope on us becoming more.. Honestly... it's nearly impossible to put the genie back into the bottle once you have done the whole FWB thing. He's been there, done that... no mystery, no challenge left. I'd probably move on. I'm guessing this one won't turn out well.
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