Possible GIGS? (Wilson, Smokey, Gibson)

[Delliem]

Before I begin, let me say that I agree with the existence of GIGS/Emotional Immaturity. I myself have suffered from it, and I have known others who have as well. If you're coming into the thread to shoot it down and say that it's all fluff, I respect your opinion, but it's really not going to change mine.

 

I've been a lurker here and on enotalone for the last few months while I worked through my break-up. I didn't want to post a thread until I was mostly healed, and could look at the bigger picture of my past relationship. I'm mostly seeking answers as to if this would still be considered a GIGS situation, and then hopefully use it to log the changes post-relationship, both with my improvements into dating new people, and whatever happens with my ex.

 

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Summary

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Relationship:

Long distance

Very loving partnership

Always used compromise instead of fighting

Saw each other once per month like clockwork

Strong compatibility and chemistry

High level of conversation (200 txts, 1 hour phone call per day, vid chat every 2-3 days)

3 month relationship building before meeting

13 month relationship post meeting

She cheated after 8 months with a friend of her's, worked through it

She left me for him at the end of the relationship

 

Her:

20 years old

2 prior relationships (2 year high school sweet heart, then a 6 month rebound)

Sheltered life (Parents still together, but obvious problems. Father has mental illness, mother is a control freak. Mother provides for almost everything in her life, and constantly presses her and her brother to do what she wants. She bonds more with her father. Father and brother like me, mother was uneasy for a while.)

College educated (She's had a bit of the college life. Mild frat partying, drinking, but no chronic STRs or ONSs.)

Intelligent and mature in most areas

Few good friends (under 5)

 

Me:

26 years old

6 prior relationships (3 LTR of 1.5 years or longer, 3 STR of 5'ish months.)

Experienced life (Moved out at 18, worked for everything in my life, paid for school on my own, involved in entertainment shows around the city, parents divorced before I was born.)

College educated (Partying, drinking, but nothing too extreme. Also not a ONS kind of guy.)

Intelligent and mature in most areas

A clown car of good friends (30+)

 

Him:

21 years old

Few prior relationships (Was told by her that he was still a virgin. Last relationship was under 3 months. And she tried to hook him up with a friend of her's before this.)

Unexperienced life (Seems very intelligent, but also immature. Plays a lot of video games and uses internet humor. Ideas of romance being kind of story book hollywood stuff. Use to call her "Belle" and say a lot of sweet nothings.)

College educated (A little of the college life, some parting, slight drinking, nothing too heavy.)

Goofy looking (Which is mean to say. However he has long Jesus hair and full facial hair. Almost the opposite of me.)

I've been told that he's a lot like me in our interests and sense of humor

 

Them:

They seem like an odd cross. She's more of a quiet mature type, but is easily excited and has a happy, bubbly personality. He looks like a bit of a mess, spends a lot of time playing video games, is inexperienced in relationships, and did a LOT of chasing. She always responded well to my romantic gestures, but also had a pretty real sense of the relationship beyond the honeymoon phase. He's kind of an overly romantic, poetic, white knight type. A lot of what he's said in poems is based around infatuation and fantasy. Her poems back to him matching those themes.

 

(( Posting more shortly. Having internet issues. ))

Edited January 12, 2012 by Delliem

[BoredAgain]

I know you didn't ask me directly, but I'll throw my 2¢ in if you don't mind...

 

If you go back and read the original GIGS thread, you'll notice that it really just describes the following: the breakup of a generally happy/healthy long-term relationship because one of the partners gets the 'itch' to see what else is out there.

 

So, does this describe your relationship? Maybe... I think its borderline in a couple of areas. It's entirely possible that she's much happier being in a "short-distance relationship" in general, hence why she cheated in the first place.

 

Either way, the advice is going to be the same. That is, move forward with your life, get new hobbies, and meet new people.

[Delliem]

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Chronological order of events:

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- (May 2010) We met through a mutual interest forum. Both of us had just left relationships. Me breaking up with my ex-fiancee, and her breaking up with her rebound. Some healing, but we were just friendly during this time.

- (July) Started getting more intimate. We spent the next 3 months getting to know each other better, talking for 2-3 hours every day, video chatting, phone calls, ect. Extremely high compatibility.

- (Oct) She bought tickets to come see me. We made this our official relationship start day. Chemistry was phenomenal, and this continued until the BU.

- (Dec) I visited her and met her parents. Her mother didn't like me much due to the age difference, and because I didn't finish school as quickly as she did. "By his age, I was done with my graduate degree and already working for a major corporation." She didn't talk to me the whole trip, but I was nothing but respectful and mature, leaving a solid image of myself with her.

 

- (Jan 2011) She got to know all the guys that I did comedy with and they all became good friends. She fell in love with my city. We jokingly talked about moving.

- (Feb) Mother eventually came around a little. I met all of her friends, including the person that she cheated on me with. He was her best male friend, and they had met around the time that we met. Me and him actually got along well because we had a similar sense of humor.

- (April) The other man had started writing her poetry, saying that he'd be a better man to her, and trying to increase intimacy whenever she became lonely.

- (May) She cheated on me at this time. While visiting me, she clung to my neck and broke down crying, kept apologizing and told me everything. There was an extreme level of regret, and I forgave her, feeling that she genuinely meant it. I've been cheated on before and broke up with that person on the dime, this however felt different.

- (June) Talked more about what happened, worked through the problems, and she said that she wanted to end her friendship with the other man so that she could preserve the relationship. She was working hard to fix things, so I was slowly building trust back. She tried to cut off all ties with him, but they both had some events that they were required to attend. So he was always passing through places. He and her also shared a lot of the same friends, so she felt lonely since she had very few people to hang out with.

- (July) He made a video poem that said he didn't know why she had cut him off, and that he was destroyed from losing her. I didn't find this until post-BU. She started looking into transferring schools out my way so that we could close the distance. We researched grad programs, testing, and she said that she was tried of being in her state, she missed me and wanted to be here.

- (Sept) She was having an extremely hard time because of her lack of friends and felt guilty for having shut him out. Ended up resuming friendship with him after multiple crossings.

- (Oct) He apparently started trying and win her over again. He wrote her a letter saying that he was dating someone, but the person just wasn't like her, and didn't know him like she did. He began writing poems for her again. This too, I didn't find until Post-BU. During this time I lost my day job, left the comedy show I was working for, was locked out from my student loan so I couldn't do classes, and was living on very low funds while I tried to look for something else to do for work. Conversation suddenly slowed down at the end of the month, which had never happened during the entire time we were dating. We went from 200 text messages per day to 30, and no phone calls. She use to write in an online journal, which she forgot that I knew about (We use to use journals to discuss topics that bothered us so that we could work on them.) Her post during this time was the following: "I’m so frustrated with his life right now, because he literally has almost nothing going for him. But he’s still a wonderful person, right? He still makes me feel comfortable, and we never fight. I don’t feel that comfortable with [The Other Man], especially right now. And I know that he doesn’t see only me, and I have very little faith that he won’t want to keep looking if we ever finally get together."

- (Nov) She talked with my step-mom about tickets for thanksgiving (we were planning to go out there to visit together again.) Her mother sent her a letter two days later telling her that I'm not right for her, that she should go with the other man, and she used a lot of speech that played on her guilt. She told me that she started going to a counselor, and this is when I learned about the other man having stepped in again and her lower attraction level for me (I had just found her journal post.) She said that she "was supposed to break up with me", which made me feel like she was being pushed to it. I begged her to stay with me until her counseling sessions ended. She agreed. We were only together for one more week, then she said that her counselor told her that she needed to choose, and she shouldn't keep stringing me along. She said things like, "I don't know what I'm doing.", "What kind of a girlfriend resolves to break up with her boyfriend?", "This had nothing to do with you. It's not your fault." "If we were as intense today as we were when we first met, then nothing that [The Other Man] says now would make me question today." We break up, and I end up using the thanksgiving trip to see my family as a moving trip instead, needing to get away for a while.

 

One week after the break up, I wrote a video poem of my own, saying goodbye to her, and then I went pure NC. My step mom asked her if it was over between us, in which she replied, "I had intended for it to be. I don't know about the future. Maybe once he's healed." (*)Two weeks after this, she apparently went to a poetry reading with him and they used it to confess their love for one another. My friends have told me that their body language was all wrong, that she seemed to lack some feeling with her poem, and his poem was all about wanting her to forget about me. They changed their status' to being in a relationship around this time. (*)Three weeks later, she sends my step mom a text asking if everything is ok with my grandma (she had read somewhere that I had to take her back to the hospital because of an infection.) My step mom said all is fine. (*)Three weeks after this and two days after Christmas, she sends my step mom another text saying "Hey [step Mom], I've been kind of busy lately and lost track of the date. I just wanted to text and say Happy Holidays!"

 

And lastly, two days ago (and after two months of NC) I was feeling mostly healed and messaged her on facebook. A mutual friend from my old city had been posting on her wall saying things like "I LIKE THE NEW GUY", "HE'S CUTE", "GOOD PICK." (She's this 70 year old woman who's ability to filter broke sometime in the 1950's. I think she was trying to make jabs at my ex.)

 

I used this opportunity to spark a conversation, first apologizing for the woman and then progressing to catch up talk. She quickly asked how I was doing and how this state has been treating me. I told her I was doing good, and that unfortunately small town isn't for me. I'm moving back home shortly to finish school. She apologized for the woman posting things about the other guy on her facebook, and kept saying that she didn't want me to see them and be hurt because of it. I think deep down, I decided to message her because she's a shy one, and after my video saying goodbye to her, I don't know if she ever would have had the courage to contact me. So I wanted to open that seal for a chance at future conversation, but have since gone back to NC while she's with him. From what I've seen, she's started to hang around a lot of his crowd and has been partying more. However she also started hanging around my crowd when she was dating me, so I'm not sure if it really means anything. I do see that he has stopped almost all chasing of her since they've gotten together though.

 

If I were to listen to her message - my life was a mess with nothing going on for me. Just for myself, I have resolved this. I started hitting the gym, saved up my money, I'm moving back to the city, enrolled in classes, resuming the comedy job, and may have a day job at an insurance office.. everything is falling back into place, and I've regained my confidence. Regardless of what happens in terms of me dating or getting back with her, I feel like a switch has clicked in ME that has made me feel more stand and ready for the future.

 

So, in terms of her.. would this be considered a GIGS situation, or just a loss of attraction/short distance/moving on situation? I don't think we broke up due to her needing to live a party lifestyle. However she did end up with someone who is quite different from her and who she usually goes for. Have I handled it well thus far (minus the begging bit after she said she was supposed to break up with me, of course)? For the most part, I was over the cheating after we worked through all those feelings. Distance is a hard beast to tame, and people make mistakes in said situations. I'm mostly just asking so that I can properly store my feelings and concerns for her, rather than bolt locking the door and dropping the key in acid. If this is due to emotional immaturity, then I have a bit more compassion for what she's going through. I think it would be interesting to see if she moves through those stages.

[Delliem]

@BoredAgain - I thought that could be it as well, the short distance relationship comfort. I know long distance wasn't easy, but we managed to keep ourselves comfortable and connected in many ways. I think it's the things she was saying at the time of the break up that made me question if this was more so a GIGS situation. I can't really tell if she just got the itch of greener pastures, or if the distance ate at her and she bolted.

 

Nonetheless, I've already gotten mostly back on my feet. I can't say that I've really enjoyed my latest dates here in Smalltown USA. However I'm heading back to the city for school soon, and there's a larger dating pool of non-crazy folk, Haha.

Edited January 12, 2012 by Delliem

[wilsonx]

I did a LDR when I was 20-22 similar to yours.

 

I can tell you how it played out... similar to yours... except she just disappeared.

 

I got a phone call from her 4 years later saying she had been married, had a kid divorced and now works as a real estate agent in Montana and asked me what I was up to.

 

Thats my GIGS experience with LDRs, my personal opinion is chalk it up to not working out, and keep enjoying your life.

[Delliem]

Thanks for the quick reply man. Yeah I figured if this was a GIGS situation, LDR kind of kills the stages a bit. If she finds the grass sucks, she's likely to just hunt better grass than that grass. Ah well.. she's still keeping in LC, so I suppose I'll just lock up the feelings and try to settle with a friendship or salute and walk.

[smokey bear]

I would say the odds are against you,

 

LDR

Her age

13 months relationship, i think a viable long term is classed as 2 years onwards

Cheating at 8 months

[Delliem]

Hmm, with that level of communication and compatibility, would 13 months still be sufficient to classify it as a LTR though? Being that we also had 3 months of strong pre-relationship connection as well, and 2 months of friendly connection prior to that. I guess why I ask is that I myself am realizing that the grass isn't greener for me, of course in the dating sense and not the GIGS sense. I've dated quite a few people over the years, as casual, LTR and STR. I still to this day miss her as a person, and it's extremely difficult to find people within our bracket even as a friend. Looking back.. I did treat her well, and we ended without all the fighting and name calling, LDR just makes reconciling a difficulty, even with me and her now being LC. I do sense that things may change in the future, I just have no time table if it's not GIGS.

 

From what I heard on the grapevine this morning, the other man is very clingy and tactless now that he's with her. He begs for sex, lacks confidence, frustrates her with his back and forth decisions, and all of the fantasy land poetry and such has come to an end. She doesn't seem as happy with him, although that may be the biased opinion of my friends. I do see the traits in him for sure, and I don't know her as the type to really stick with that for long (her rebound from before was that way.) So, I imagine this is primarily based on infatuation and now that the prize has been gained by him, he's folding to it, and she's realizing that he's not as great as she imagined him to be.

 

Also, on a side note, I got invited to a date last night with a girl who's boyfriend showed up and flipped out. Almost took a punch to the face. I found my car pretty fricken fast, Haha. This town is.. colorful.

[flitzanu]

you didn't ask...

 

but she's 20.

 

you can't expect a teenager in a LDR to give up living her life, can you? i mean, part of you had to see it coming right?

 

and before you ask, yes, i myself am dating a 20 year old right now. and i'm much older than even you. the 20 year old i dated before her (3 years prior) was the same way...and even the one i dated that was 18 when i was 22...she turned out to be just as fickle and undecided in life. and yeah, i'm banking on a "heartbreak" that something will happen and she'll find "greener grass" but that's just age, man.

 

it sucks for you dude, and big on you for dealing with her cheating the first time, but all insult aside just realize that a girl that young (or even a guy) is damned likely to start having wandering thoughts, and i'd assume moreso if you don't even live in the same town.

 

if you want to blame yourself for this or look for reasons not to? no, you shouldn't. i'd almost guarantee you could have done nothing differently to stop what happened.

 

cheers.

[gibson]

you didn't ask...

 

but she's 20.

 

you can't expect a teenager in a LDR to give up living her life, can you? i mean, part of you had to see it coming right?

 

and before you ask, yes, i myself am dating a 20 year old right now. and i'm much older than even you. the 20 year old i dated before her (3 years prior) was the same way...and even the one i dated that was 18 when i was 22...she turned out to be just as fickle and undecided in life. and yeah, i'm banking on a "heartbreak" that something will happen and she'll find "greener grass" but that's just age, man.

 

it sucks for you dude, and big on you for dealing with her cheating the first time, but all insult aside just realize that a girl that young (or even a guy) is damned likely to start having wandering thoughts, and i'd assume moreso if you don't even live in the same town.

 

if you want to blame yourself for this or look for reasons not to? no, you shouldn't. i'd almost guarantee you could have done nothing differently to stop what happened.

 

cheers.

 

flitzanu, I think you are in the small majority of people on here that "gets it" with how it works and what to expect with the kids (16 - 25 year olds).

 

Most people on here seem to expect people in that age group to know who they are, know what they want and know what love is. They also think everyone in that age group are looking to find their life partner (which most aren't, they are just kicking tires) and want to be married (most don't, just having fun until they are ready to settle down).

 

Props to you for figuring that out (the hard way like the rest of us did)!

[Delliem]

Haha, so all 'round likely a lost cause here. She seemed very mature and ready while I was with her, however she may have only been emulating me to an extent. She's kind of a bookish shy nerdy type, quiet, homely, not really a party go'er or anything wild. She did run away chasing butterflies and fantasy though, which I myself was guilty of at that age. So.. too young it seems. Ah well, I had hoped things would work out in some fashion, but I hear and understand all the advice here. Thanks a lot guys (and Smokey.)

Edited January 12, 2012 by Delliem

[smokey bear]

you didn't ask...

 

but she's 20.

 

you can't expect a teenager in a LDR to give up living her life, can you? i mean, part of you had to see it coming right?

 

and before you ask, yes, i myself am dating a 20 year old right now. and i'm much older than even you. the 20 year old i dated before her (3 years prior) was the same way...and even the one i dated that was 18 when i was 22...she turned out to be just as fickle and undecided in life. and yeah, i'm banking on a "heartbreak" that something will happen and she'll find "greener grass" but that's just age, man.

 

it sucks for you dude, and big on you for dealing with her cheating the first time, but all insult aside just realize that a girl that young (or even a guy) is damned likely to start having wandering thoughts, and i'd assume moreso if you don't even live in the same town.

 

if you want to blame yourself for this or look for reasons not to? no, you shouldn't. i'd almost guarantee you could have done nothing differently to stop what happened.

 

cheers.

 

 

I agree with this, very well put.

 

She probably could return but as wilson says from his experience not for many years and the same from what is said above here.

[smokey bear]

flitzanu, I think you are in the small majority of people on here that "gets it" with how it works and what to expect with the kids (16 - 25 year olds).

 

Most people on here seem to expect people in that age group to know who they are, know what they want and know what love is. They also think everyone in that age group are looking to find their life partner (which most aren't, they are just kicking tires) and want to be married (most don't, just having fun until they are ready to settle down).

 

Props to you for figuring that out (the hard way like the rest of us did)!

 

 

Ha ha i really should finish reading the thread before replying.

 

I agree with you on the praise given here.

 

 

As for the OP yes i think its a lost cause.

[flitzanu]

thanks guys i will say, it's taken years of mistakes, and now a solid year-ish of reading the forums here. once one can see and realize that "EVERY" story is within say...95% the same, if that makes sense, that you start seeing that we just want to "personalize" all our breakups.

 

we aren't special. none of us are "exceptions". all these breakups follow such a solid pattern, and after seeing the repetition...it finally clicked one day.

 

and even though a girl may say she wants you forever, and she's only 20...she may for the moment, but she doesn't know that far ahead. love is so romanticized at that age, and once they get a taste of the world when they near/hit 21 (in the USA at least...drinking age and most club entry age) they will change drastically. even those that say they won't, they WILL.

 

it can sound insulting to younger "adults" and teens, but it isn't your fault you're young and naive.