I come off as awkward, and sometimes I'm not that good at holding a conversation,...

[Ross MwcFan]

and I can't flirt when talking to girls.

 

If I can't change this, does that mean there's no hope for me? Or will some girls still be attracted to me and I'd still able to have relationships despite this?

[curlygirl40]

Hi Ross

 

I only have a couple of minutes, so I'll be brief. Maybe I'll chime in again later.

 

What I wanted to say is that one of my sons has this issue with it being awkward for him to hold a conversation. He has some anxiety in social situations so I brought him to a therapist.

 

She has done wonders for him.

 

One of the things she discovered is that he pauses for too long when talking to people, so this makes the other person feel like the convo is awkward. She worked with him (with me in the sessions sometimes) to practice having a conversation.

 

Say his pauses were 3 seconds and they should be like 1 second. She was having him close that gap and 'lead' the conversation to keep it going.

 

What I mean is say someone said 'how was your vacation?', he would pause for too long before answering. THEN the other thing he would do is not ask a question in return to keep the convo going or give the other person anything to comment back on.

 

When you're having a conversation with someone who is like this, it's like work.

 

This comes naturally for some. But for others it doesn't and then they don't know what they are doing wrong.

 

Say the convo goes like this:

 

Person #1: "How was your vacation?"

 

long pause

 

Person #2 (my son) "It was a lot of fun"

 

He didn't chime in quickly and with enthusiasm, and he also didn't give person #1 anything to go by to keep the convo going.

 

How it should go is this:

 

Person #1: "How was your vacation?"

 

very short pause

 

Person #2: "It was a lot of fun, we went to the Grand Canyon and flew over it in a helicopter, have you ever done something like that?"

 

This would come easily for me and for a lot of other people it's just natural.

 

What I'm trying to say, I guess, in using this example is this. Can you pay attention to how other people hold a conversation and see what they are doing that you're not doing?

 

Can you watch movies and see how a conversation is supposed to go and try to see what you could do to improve your conversation skills?

 

If it doesn't come naturally to you it can be learned.

 

Also, and this is huge, much of the time the person who you are talking to is more than happy to talk about themselves. So you can keep a conversation going just by asking them about themselves. How was your trip? What classes are you taking in school?

 

Make sure you're making eye contact and seem interested in their answers. Make sure that while they are talking you're not zoning out thinking of something to say to them when they get done talking. Really listen. Ask leading questions to get them to talk about themselves and then listen to what they have to say. Then ask another question in return, or if it reminds you of a situation you were in once you could add to the conversation. "I know what you mean, I once had that happen a few years ago during vacation...."

 

 

Maybe browse Amazon and see if there are books on the subject. I bet there are. This is something you can learn.

 

Gotta run but I hope I've helped some.

[ThaWholigan]

The best way to learn how to do that is to slowly expose yourself to situations that require you to be social and flirt. You will start to learn little nuances if you look hard enough to find them and from there, it is trial and error learning to respond.

 

It is going to be difficult not to be emotionally invested in every encounter, but you must detach yourself. It may be difficult for you, it never was much of a problem for me in the end as I find it easy to detach myself from my emotions. This is really the only thing I can give you with regards to getting better at conversations.

 

I learned little things about flirting that helped me, like for instance, not trying too hard to impress, teasing, have fun with words. Become a wordsmith, girls have remarked at my "spectacular vernacular" as I used to call it in college .

 

There are many things online that can help you, but once you acquire the knowledge, try and do your best to look for avenues to apply it. It sounds daunting, but start slowly and you should do very well. If an autistic man can do it, you can too

[DonJuanInc]

Hey man,

 

This is a pretty loaded topic and it's really hard to answer in text.

 

If you want to add me on Skype I'll have a solid talk with you: donjuaninc

 

Cheers!

[salparadise]

There has been some good advice given here. I would add that the probable reason for the difficulty is that you're being self-conscious and thinking about how you appear or what you'll say next. Focus your attention outward rather than inward. Be spontaneous. Quit running the cognitive process beneath the surface and just be in the moment and into the conversation. Your mind can only be truly focused on one thing at a time and this can be directed. Curlygirl is right––it's a skill that can definitely be learned.

[jobaba]

and I can't flirt when talking to girls.

 

If I can't change this, does that mean there's no hope for me? Or will some girls still be attracted to me and I'd still able to have relationships despite this?

 

One of my buds is extremely awkward and sullen, although he's gotten better over the years. He kind of reminds you of the guy who's going to come into work one day and start shooting everyone in the place.

 

He's got a solid GF and he's gotten a few women on top of that.

 

Confidence, balls, and going through numbers. There will be some women who don't need the suave, good looking, experienced Don Juan. You have to find them. Improve your game slowly while you're out looking.

[Ross MwcFan]

Thanks guys, but there's so many other issues that I have that I need to work on that I'm not going to be able to work on this as well, at least not for now.

 

One of my buds is extremely awkward and sullen, although he's gotten better over the years. He kind of reminds you of the guy who's going to come into work one day and start shooting everyone in the place.

 

He's got a solid GF and he's gotten a few women on top of that.

 

Confidence, balls, and going through numbers. There will be some women who don't need the suave, good looking, experienced Don Juan. You have to find them. Improve your game slowly while you're out looking.

 

That's good to know.

[thatone]

why be scared of women? they can't beat you up.

 

you can set all of the goals for yourself that you want but honestly most of that stuff is BS just like everything else. what happens when you get to all of your goals? you're still scared of women.

 

confidence is in everything you do, not just in how you look or what you say. it's how you carry yourself and how you say it.

 

and confidence is what you need.

[ThaWholigan]

why be scared of women? they can't beat you up.

 

you can set all of the goals for yourself that you want but honestly most of that stuff is BS just like everything else. what happens when you get to all of your goals? you're still scared of women.

 

confidence is in everything you do, not just in how you look or what you say. it's how you carry yourself and how you say it.

 

and confidence is what you need.

 

When you have social anxiety, you're scared of everyone. It's irrational and just knowing it's irrational does not remove that fear. It's just like that sometimes. He has to expose himself to it though, in spite of fear. Takes a lot of courage and energy, especially if one cannot detach from their emotion.

[thatone]

When you have social anxiety, you're scared of everyone. It's irrational and just knowing it's irrational does not remove that fear. It's just like that sometimes. He has to expose himself to it though, in spite of fear. Takes a lot of courage and energy, especially if one cannot detach from their emotion.

 

i get that, but that doesn't mean it's a permanent excuse. you overcome fear of a thing by doing that thing.

[ThaWholigan]

i get that, but that doesn't mean it's a permanent excuse. you overcome fear of a thing by doing that thing.

 

Agreed. That's what I had to do. I still struggle, but I force through in the end. Not everybody will have the tenacity to do that, and I think it's important to recondition your mind to be able to acquire that determination. He does not have that yet, so him just going out there and exposing himself to his fears may backfire as he may recoil and reinforce his fears.

 

I do think that he should try and go for it, but alas for some people it's not that simple.

[thatone]

When you have social anxiety, you're scared of everyone. It's irrational and just knowing it's irrational does not remove that fear. It's just like that sometimes. He has to expose himself to it though, in spite of fear. Takes a lot of courage and energy, especially if one cannot detach from their emotion.

 

and his "i have to work on my issues first" is honestly just another delay/excuse.

 

i tell women about my issues all the time. they don't care. everyone has issues.

Edited January 12, 2012 by thatone

[ThaWholigan]

and his "i have to work on my issues first" is honestly just another delay/excuse.

 

i tell women about my issues all the time. they don't care. everyone has issues.

 

I know about excuses, I used to make them all the time as a teen .

 

I understand his position though. Just the other day, I was talking to my dad about the state of black youth in London (stabbings, shootings, unemployment, no businesses or money etc), and explained to him that I wanted to unite them and am upset about the lack of unity. He then told me that what I was talking about was mass reconditioning, which is what they were all going to require. They are stuck in their ways. Just like Ross is.

 

I do agree with you though, I think baby steps are all well and good, but at some point, he does have to make a quantum leap into such a situation. Joining a group or college/uni would be a great start, and signing up to events and clubs. Joining a gym or even a (dreaded) dance class (I can't dance for ****, I would actually be petrified......I'd probably do it anyway).

[Ross MwcFan]

and his "i have to work on my issues first" is honestly just another delay/excuse.

 

i tell women about my issues all the time. they don't care. everyone has issues.

 

You know you don't half talk a load of ****.

[Surrealist]

You know you don't half talk a load of ****.

 

Agree mate, its pathetic dribble. Just ignore it and it should fly away to another feaces to feed on.