TheJiltedGeneration Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 k so still ingrained to chimerical fancies of my ex after all this time, it's been really bad this week tbh, I've really backslided. Mainly because I've been really fixated with my ex. I managed to get a story done (thought it needs edited) with a decent word count of 5,000 so at least she has not hindered me too much... I still keep NC, that's kind of the mainstay of all this and what makes me somewhat proud that I ain't allowing her influence to take complete control *sigh*. tried to do a vlog for youtube, but found the um and urhhs insufferable even for myself. it was way too longwinded ( as ofc I am oft-known to be laconic >.>).. so using this journal as a bit of a stepdown ( besides that site is renowned for trafficking some pretty vituperative trolls. whats funny is after all the doupt all the self-deprecation, reading a post I sent my ex that I just so happened to have kept on my harddrive. and well, I felt alot more clarity of how much of a B*tch she really was. .... you know.. I thought it might sound abit wacked out ( this was pretty much the post by me that ended it all) but really after revisiting it, I was surprised at how level headed it actually was, even though there was alot of anger fed through those words. in fact the way I written it felt like I had a more clear perception of events than I do now.. so you know what.. I am gonna post it here.. there are a few overdramatic things I do say and her name is used so i will edit those out so it does not get back to her in some way, but it sounds weird but I feel in comparison to how I wrote back then my mind has since become more encumbered to feelings of me being the malefactor.. it's very long and I know most of you wont read it ( I was going to post it on the post here instead of sending to ex thread) and most of you would want to know why the F*** I would want to relive those moments but I donno, for me it's kind of symbolic to me. it makes me realise just selfish and self-obsessed this woman really was. so if I have doupt or if I lose my post.. I guess I can always return to this page and go; "this is why you left your ex,"... it's really renewed my sence of clarity in leaving her. it was definately for the right reasons... here we go...
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted January 11, 2012 Author Posted January 11, 2012 (edited) It took me a long time to process everything you said, at first I was going to start the whole process again, bowing down, buckling, especially saying that yes everything was my fault... which in fairness the last few days and this month.. was my fault ( which it was and I will admit was due to the fact I was obsessed and take responsibility as a reason why we should never see each other again.. )... and then I was going to leave it there... I sent a email to your mother’s account saying I was to blame, and that I will not see you again, and then I will adhere to swallow my pride and move on... But one thing clicked,... one thing that represents your view of us in your last message. That represented your view, LONG BEFORE this month and last... and to be honest after everything that has transpired, I am glad you finally showed me how you really felt.... I like how you tilt that last post to suggest that I was the sole cause for your pain this year really?? I am the complete bad guy here??? . it almost sounds like you’re convinced you’re a saint who has done nothing but be graceful and thoughtful and genuine.. I can accept you not wanting to talk to me again, I can accept I have some blame in this and I was foolhardy because of wayward emotions implicated because of my depression, but one thing I can’t accept is you acting like there is nothing on your part to be blameful of..... I hurt you over the past year? really? ARE YOU still oblivious to the fact that YOU’VE REALLY hurt me over the past 2... I can’t believe you have the temerity to succeed your PAIN IS GREATER THAN MINE, YOU NEVER EVEN CARED IN THE FIRST PLACE.... EVER. THERE WAS NO EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT FROM YOUR PART TO HAVE EVER FELT PAIN, SO WHY CLAIM THAT YOU WERE THE WORST OFF IN ALL THIS... I was the only one who even tried.... My very presences was just a brief dalliance, I was your portable little jester until you could catch a train back home or until seminars commenced.., beyond that I MENT NOTHING TO YOU!! And the way you act towards me shows how little respect you EVER HAD FOR ME ( even before I said those silly things, which to be honest was pent up anger releasing itself in a admittedly stupid way, one of two things only thing I’m truly to blame for.....) and now you consolidate your pain in that last message like that as if I destroyed something you had built up to cherish when really you didn’t do anything ..... HOW ****ING DARE YOU!!!!!!, HOW DARE YOUR ACT LIKE YOUR THE ONE WHO PUT FORTH ALL THE EFFORT LIKE YOUR THE ONLY VICTIM IN ALL THIS..... HOW DARE YOU , , YOU DONT HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY THIS HURT YOU MORE C....... ( omitting name for obvious reasons), BECAUSE FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS YOU DONE NOTHING BUT MAKE ME FEEL WORTHLESS.. And the hand-waving , the fluxions of moods , the expression of irritation, those calisthenics of emotions to try and understand why you felt that way... only for you to respond at the end by your attempt to feverously ignore me.... All of this just served to fortify How insignificant I was to you.. And I am the core reason why you feel bad this past year..... Don’t flatter yourself C....... really the only reason why it hurt that I ignored you was because you were deprived of the attention you lavished, which served just to massage your ego. BECAUSE IF I MENT MORE TO YOU THAN JUST THAT YOU WOULD HAVE ****ING TRIED LIKE I DID AND USED initiative to contact me just to see how I was or to ask me out or even better DO SOMETHING I WANTED TO DO( or to the point, you would have done something that DIDNT fit your specific wants or desires, but was only done to show you care.. that would have been enough.. hell if nothing else all I wanted was something that SHOWED YOU WANTED TO BE WITH ME...). ITS not like it was my absence that hurt you.. like yours hurt me, It was just because I scrapped your ego a little THATS ALL. That’s pretty petty C........, very petty and you know what it does? It really diminishes anything special that we might have had, if that the only reason you were hurt was because of a small chip at your pride, not because I wasn’t there... In fact now that I think about it the only reason this relationship ever worked is because I was able to accommodate your interests. The only reason we ever hang out was when it wasn’t an inconvenience to you, as it was things you could have done on your own anyway. For example at the start of last year, when you had no one else to go look for mega man games with, you took me so you wouldn’t get lost, (flattering C......., very flattering) and the only thing you used me for was to help you find those games that was all my function was in your plan, not for company, not to get to know each other, but to GO SHELF HUNTING FOR GAMES YOU WANT, might as well been upfront there and call me your little errand boy. Or when you came over to my place ( even though I HAVE OFFERED to come to yours and hang with you in your home) and you said “ oh is this all we going to do then just sit around and play games or watch movies” . I even offered to take you places like go see Goldie live, which you seemed to shrug off... Now that really pisses me off, not because you couldn’t come, I respect that you hate live music.. but you never even appreciated my efforts, ever... Again which is obvious you were because you never offered to go do something else instead...... just waiting for me offer you something else... You never asked me to come to yours or anything or do anything that would require you having to make effort... If you got bored C........, well WHY DIDNT YOU OFFER TO GO DO SOMETHING ELSE THEN, RATHER THAN HAVE ME DO ALL THE WORK? IF my point isn’t coming across then let me spell it out. you were purposely BEING high maintenance because you’re so used to everyone giving you what you want, and you knew I was willing to put up with your demanding idiosyncrasies otherwise ,(in a manner reminiscent of a threat), you wouldn’t have bothered to hang with me . Again you wonder why I think you were toying with me, because if I didn’t do what was convenient for you or did everything to your specifications then you wouldn’t even try to be with me, again like I was your cats paw... (if you even remember me saying that while you asked me to pry the shelves for your game as you stood watch..., and you wonder why..) The Autisim thing might been below the belt, again am sorry to even suggest it, no one wants to be pigeonholed as something ( hell thats what I had to put up with in highschool, the ADHD kid) and that really only came out because of the heat of the moment. But what you said that Day GENUINELY worried me C........ and to this day makes me fear your future prospects around people; Saying “ you like being selfish” or “the only thing I like about you is how you’re so interested in me” well that was a little bit more than just disquieting... The only reason I suggested you were autistic because I was concerned to why you consigned yourself away and that might damage any experience or attachment you could have with people, as not all people are bad, C....... nah that aint the reason why you don’t bother, only reason you don’t bother with people is because its too much work isn’t it C........, but enough of that, why not go save the world from Dr Nefarious instead huh? Rather than paying attention to people who care...... PEW PEW PEW!!! ). I may have been way too direct, but it was good intentions.. I loved you and I didn’t want to see you become this cold dissimulated, and bitter to everyone and never experiencing things in life other than computer games , toys and this xanadu of a made up world,... I really cared, and didn’t want you to grow up in such a manner where you think that getting what you want is all that matters. it may have been impulsive of me I do still feel that is the worst thing I could have said, but C.... the way you lead your lifestyle and the way you treat others .. and the things you said.. its not right at all C..... and I was really worried about the mindset you are in.... no matter how you look at it even if you’re not autistic... ( and believe me I do the same thing as a shut-in so I would know, to the point that I wonder if I have elements of autism myself.. ) ITS UNHEALTHY C......., even if its your life choice, and its unhealthy to proclaim that “you like being selfish” ( AND DON YOU ****ING DENY THAT YOU SAID THIS BECAUSE YOU ****ING DID) because you’ll never appreciate what those close to you do for you every day, ( at least you don’t have to WORK to get all your collectable toys, games and other ephemeral crap that replaces everything else that’s real in your life.. your ersatz reality... , your very spoilt my dear, and your ungratefulness is absolute by how YOU TREAT OTHERS..... ) I was a complete basketcase after the way you treated me.. at least you could go into your little ostrich syndrome by your drawings or making up new worlds to replace this one, and then snap you would be all fine and content, forget everything that came to pass, as if that memory beforehand becomes culled by the strokes of the pen that match the beats of your happy joy peewee Herman fun club clownstep music that serves to shuts out any other meaningful element of your life... I however couldn’t get your out of my mind off you this summer or last.. THAT PAIN of your disregard and on several occasions your absence, pushed me to nearly do some really stupid things..... You don’t know pain, your idea of pain or misery is having to pay more £15 to accommodate overseas packaging or waiting a extra 3 days for one of your items or having your game crash from the scoffed marks on your disk, that your only concept of pain and anguish , making a massive kick up over nothing, which to be frank is a INSULT to what I’ve been through with you.. (edited a bit out as it's me getting slightly silly and dramatic) You make me out as the inconsiderate one? Why?, is it inconsiderate when I emailed you at the start to see how you are?, and when you look down in class check up if everything’s ok ( even though u don’t reply as its “inconvenient ) is it inconsiderate to remember your birthday? Or to buy you little things to show how much I would want to able to spend it with you ( you still haven’t told me when my birthday is...) I genuinely cared about you.. Everything we did was to insure that nothing was at your expense.. yet you never stuck your neck out for me ever.. I still can’t believe you, Did you even have a incline to why I ignored you, well its because I found it hard to trust you and if you tried to show that I could trust you then maybe I would have emailed you to do more over last summer ( AND DONT SAY YOU LOST ANY TRUST C...... I KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO RESPOND LIKE THAT AND TWIST MY WORDS BACK AT ME, I have explained myself and apologised for things I did, and you still haven’t answered half the questions I’ve asked you, and you wonder why I Had reservation that you might be ****ING WITH ME... way before yes I did start ****ing with you... ) You want evidence to why I would have thought you were ****ing with me..well ****... let me let me count the ways: When you me and your brother when to see avatar, and you practically abolished any contact you made with me or give me a reason to why you ignored me, like my very presence attested your irritation . the only reason I didn’t show I was upset was because of how your brother was being a polite gentlemen and host, and trying to engage with his sister’s friends, he being a really nice guy and was being very polite. Something you would never go out your way to do... your lucky to have family like that, you could be a lot worse.. Or the time when I took you out for my birthday and you were completely miserable the entire day, OH JEAZZZZ C..... I totally forgot that my birthday was a day that was meant especially for you... Or when I try to make conversation as if I am the one responsible to start valedictions ( never you you never come up to me to see how I am doing) , you go “so what, are you going to start by asking me what I’ve been up to or what?” HOW ****ING RUDE AND INSENSITIVE OF YOU C....., I try to pluck up the courage to engage in conversation with you, YOU ****ING SAW I WAS ****TING BRICKS TRYING TO COMPOSE MYSELF TO TALK TO YOU, and you still just mocked my composure.. ARE YOU REALLY THAT ****ING SOCIOPATHIC!!!! ???????? Do you know how humiliating it was when you got irritated with me because I was nervous and therefore snapped at (my friend who was there at the time) to ask what I was saying, as if asking me what I said was beneath you. THAT REALLY DESTROYED MY SELF ESTEEM C...... IT EMOTIONALLY CRIBBLED ME, OR COULDNT YOU SEE THAT WHEN I WAS REALLY QUIET IN LESSONS OR LOOKED DOWN, COULDNT YOU NOT MAKE THE ASSOCIATION!!!!???? And lets not forget the time you pointed out that my shoes were untied, so you could make pace infront of me like I was some annoying little puppy.. that was more than just insulting.. do you know how that really reduced my self-esteem, even though you know I barely have any at all, didn’t you see me when I hyper-ventilated around you or that time I nearly had a uncontrollable anxiety attack that I had to leave the class for 5 minutes, ( and you have seen me lose my nerves.. DOES THAT COMPUTE C.......? I HAVE FEELINGS TOO ... ) I even tried to avoid poetry some times because I couldn’t never face you as I just could never predict how you would be next, if you wanted to see me , if you were irritated with me for some reason unbeknownst to me, or if you were going to pretend I wasn’t even there... ( which would hurt even more) . I hated that feeling, that feeling I was never there, accentuated by how you would continue in the lesson with a gleaming blank expression without even looking in my direction. When I first started to sent you emails and messages and check how you were, you barely if at all responded, ( and you wonder why I didn’t try to meet up with you over the summer) I assumed you were trying to avoid me, as well as when I waited by the train , you always seemed irritated and annoyed for some reason, so automatically I assumed you didn’t want me anymore. When I saw how things were building up and how you were getting more and more distant I assumed that you were trying to play hard to get and know that experience with other women I decided it would be best to forget about you. And you’re still shocked that I ignored you? Didn’t occur to you that essentially you were doing the same thing by hardly ever trying before hand? Or even once in a while... From the way you were acting, I knew that history would repeat itself and therefore decided to cut all ties, that why. My fault in all this however was getting way to clingy, and trying to reconcile something that would never work anyway, and trying to take my friends advice which was precipitated with the frustration of how I seem so meaningless to you. I tried to tell you that I find it hard to trust people , and explain that I ignored you because I felt you were just trying to wrap me around your finger..... something I have since apologised and tried to fix, you keep saying I am not listening when you’re just as selective with what you read/hear if not more. For the past two years I ‘ve been in a very dark place. When I first met you I was really surprised with how much we had in common, maybe not everything, but I felt for the first time I could be comfortable with someone, and then for no reason you started to just ignore me , you would just blank me out and I never knew why, you say you’re mystified to why I ignored you WELL HOW ABOUT ME BEING MYSTIFIED TO WHY YOU IGNORED ME and to this day you still haven’t told me why.... ( and this is before I was getting emotional before me “ignoring you”, before the autism thing, this is right close to when we first met, can you even remember that?) I really hated myself within that summer of last year , and was stuck on the thought of why you acted the way you did. I felt really low C........, the fact that each day past the last time we met extended the sense of hopelessness. Extended only as a means for conjecture, to think re-evaluate and think what I could have done wrong, The fixation of you absence, was unreal.. residual fragments of halcyon days was the only thing to keep myself from just doing something I would regret, onto the only thing that felt tangible to why everything we’d been through had mattered.., and that switch of your temperament just felt me in shock... You don’t know how that feels c........, counting away that distance from moments that I was adamant had confirmed I may have find someone who can help me make sense of a world I feel isolated from.. someone who feels isolated from the world as much I do now.. as if your circumvention of meeting up with me left something inferred that I was the malefactor, or oppressive, so therefore I decided that maybe you wanted to be alone... I that steadfast to be dutybound to leaving you to your own devices as I knew I was obsessed about you and, tried to keep my distance, unless there was evidence that you wanted me to be with you.. rather than attempt to approach you again, out of fear you would push me even more away. That summer was outstretched with vacant time, time we would have spent together, time that only my Introspection was able fill ..... Introspection to why you liked to be so close to me in class, why you seemed to like my company so much, if you saw something in our company as much I saw, and that you were only avoiding me because you were scared as much as I was that what we had would be lost. I just couldn’t understand.... Then eventually you would just walk off in high feather, without looking back.. it became a cycle in which each answer only defined my worthlessness because you walked without a word or response. I was thinking of contacting you then, but that’s the thing c...... your so.... unpredictable, I was scared you would have you responded like: “oh so I see your trying to hang out with me again, not like we do anything interesting, but oh well..” I didn’t know how you would act. ( OH AND BEFORE YOU SAY “Oh but I told before I don’t always know what I am doing with my actions, well maybe you should start thinking about how your actions affect others than yourself rather than being so arrogant to not thing about them at all, stop pleading ignorance , stop acting like a child AND ****ING TAKE SOME BLOODY RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU’VE DONE!!!!, I am taking responsibility by apologising, hell If you read the email I sent on your moms account I was willing to appologise in person, on the phone, something you would never do... ) I didn’t know if you were trying to make me yield and contact you so that you can dig your heel into me and see how high I could jump for your approval, or if you really missed me and wanted me to call ( BTW even though I didn’t contact you last summer, if I did, would you have been happy? Or did you want to put as much distance away from me as possible. This is the problem C..... you complain on how I never listen yet you never respond to these questions C....... or give me a straight answer... I’ve given you a straight answer to why I ignored you, which was merely a reaction to how you were ignoring me, or how it felt you were, I told you why I was being a caustic bastard recently , which I will admit WAS MY FAULT ..., but you don’t even try to respond to my questions ... hell WHATS REALLY SCAREY is how you barely understand why your actions hurt me...) I don’t know how much it meant to you that short time we had, the fact it seemed like you would wait for me before class in reading poetry even though you could catch a later train ( Thats another thing that hurt the fact that you just out of thin air decided to take a later train.. which told me you didn’t want to see me... CAUSE YOU KNEW I WAS WAITING FOR YOU BEFORE EACH CLASS AND I ARRIVED EARLY EACH DAY JUST TO SEE YOU) or in writer’s toolkit you stuck your head out the door as if you was wondering where I was, the fact that you seemed really engaged in what I was saying, rather than just doing it for mere politeness.. as if something was developing, something even you seemed eager to be a part of.. that was the first time I really felt close to a human being without having to feign interest at their prating and humour their attempts at showing off, and that was the only time if felt you were genuine.. and after that brief time, it just went, the time , date or moment you clicked to adhere to forget me, without a mark of advent, as if that day itself wasn’t real, and now you’ve never been the same since we first met, it feels like everything we previously had didn’t exist in the first place... If you were a bit more perceptive, you would have seen I’ve been hurt a lot longer than you, it’s just I’ve been buckled to dance to your tune because I felt I somehow deserved it. It doesnt matter anymore, because but in truth you’ve never been a good friend either... even why I was having anxiety attacks or nerves when I worked shopped my piece of work, you seemed to turn your nose up at me... Near the end of all this I may have been overblown, I may have said things out of stupidity and bad advice which I apologise for ( most of which is because of the pent up ANGER I feel for how little you regard me..) I am fine leaving you alone .. BUT I WONT HAVE YOU LEAVE ALL THIS AS THE MARYR WHEN YOU’VE BARELY BEEN EFFECTED BECAUSE OF ONE OR TWO THINGS I SAID OUT OF TURN.. AS EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE TO ME FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS HAS MADE ME FEEL WORSE THAN I EVER HAVE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!! And you wonder why you don’t have many friends, you never give anyone the time of day, even if they care for you, so long as there is brief exchange or attempt to keep you entertained that’s all they are to you... a minor inconvenience... Maybe I am partly to blame for not arranging also to see you last summer, , but did you stop to think that if you perhaps did little things such as email me once in a while or just make the effort to see how I am, that perhaps maybe I would have the confidence to contact you back, cause it would have made me alot more comfortable, with being around you and with myself... I cant believe I have been so stupid, grovelling for you to try and notice me , I cant believe how low I went the last few days, when really YOU NEVER CARED IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!, Really everything FAILED from the outset, because of your solipsist denial of how everything outside your art and stories has any meaning or depth or impact on how you lead your life, if that’s what underlines your only values in live, then I NEVER WHAT TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH YOU AGAIN!!! I am deleting this makeshift account before your response cause I know even if you do , you still have the convictions that your completely right, and believe me I am not the only one who “puts words into people’s mouths” I may have been in the wrong on several accounts, I apologised for suggesting you may be autistic, I apologise for the emails for the last few days, but at least I ADMITTED WHEN I AM WRONG, your empathy centres are so shot you can barely remember anything you said out of order at all, or anything that would be implicit of hurting a person’s feelings... forgive my impertinence LORD C....... ...but that almost sounds like pathological denial.. it’s funny how you won’t live one or two things down, when there are so many things I’ve let pass over my head because of the obnoxious way you acted to me only interacting with me when its convenient to you, or when it related only to your interests, or when little effort on your part is required at all. ( AND EVEN WHEN I DIDNT REALISE WHAT I WAS DOING I APPOLIGSED for it afterwards..., HAVE YOU APPOLGISED FOR THE WAY YOU’VE HURT ME, EVEN WHEN YOU DIDNT REALISE IT... ? ) I’ve never felt so lousy in my entire life.. and really I know for sure now that if I never met you, if I never tired , then I probably wouldn’t be feeling as lousy as I do now ( not like it will matter anyway, once you get you next edition of transformers or one piece or w/e our little exchange will dissipate into the recesses holding your dream world together , because in truth, c....... it never mattered it never mattered at all.. ) (OH YEA DONT YOU MAKE OUT THAT YOUR FEELING TANTAMOUNT TO WHAT I JUST SAID BECAUSE YOU ARNT HURT AT ALL BECAUSE OF ME NOT SPENDING TIME WITH YOU OR TRYING TO LEAVE YOU. YOU ONLY HURT ONLY BECAUSE, AS I SAID YOUR EGO WAS SCRATCHED.. THATS ALL!!! AND THATS WHY IAM PISSED OFF.. BECAUSE ANYTHING ELSE MENT NOTHING TO YOU, WHAT I DID FOR YOU ANYTHING.!!!! WHY HAVE YOU YET ANYTHING ABOUT IT HURTING NOT TO BE WITH ME? OR HOW MUCH MEETING UP WITH YOU MENT, OR BUYING THAT PRESENT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? It’s pretty self-evident I never ment anything to you at all.. ) You may have felt low for a few days..... , WELL CUCCI CUCCI LITTLE PIGGY, I’VE FELT LOW FOR THE ENTIRE TWO YEARS I’VE KNOWN YOU, every second, every day every time... all I’ve been is your foot stool .. my mind has never faltered way from thinking about you, no matter how I tried to replace my thoughts with other actives , if I had know how your intrigue was just token effort so that I would spend time with you in class or just before so you wouldn’t be bored I would have never bothered with you in the first place.. .. time just made it hurt even more, the pain became a abstract token of a worthless projection of myself as if you had a right to ignore me when I was boring to you or didn’t talk about what you wanted to talk about... You say how we would never be compatible well that’s BECAUSE YOUR IDEA OF COMPATIBLE IS SOMEONE WHO CONCEDES TO EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO DO, WITH NO QUESTION, WITH NEVER THE NEED TO COMPROMISE . Your barely compatible as a friend, even when I show I care for you, you never even make even a token gesture to express any thought about me at all... , because your drawing ,toys, and games were always a paramount.. Your right about one thing we should forget about everything that has elapsed over the past 2 years, You know why? Because it wasn’t real anyway, and harkens back to why I should NEVER try to get close to anyone, because obviously there is someone else in your life.. YOURSELF!!!! (silly manic moment here too so deleted .. my bad) infact as you read this outpour of everything I felt for you, I can picture you , totally dumbfounded make ring -shaped lips like some Aquarius inhabitant that requires a extra intake of oxygen as your brain figures out semaphores for your mental switchboard to compute algorithms of pathological denial of anything you did wrong, and instead redirect all the blame to me again..... It’s ironic because you probably wont read half of this as It is am a obstruction to your playing games, genuine human emotion cannot impede the cusp of your design.... And YOU had the bravado to say you actually had faith in what I said, in starting our relationship.. is probably the most cynical and despicable thing you could every claim C......... , cause even before I suggested you may be autistic, all our time together was just a minor interlude to the things you felt was more important . You would just set time away from your schedule, as if I was a obstructor, that you just to file some time away for me, a allotment in which to compensate to your delierious routine. Can you call that faith??? THERE WAS NO FAITH IN THERE C........., and I think if there was you would have ACTUALLY tried also, like email me to set time, rather than stall for time all the time ( and btw that stuff about making the time we meet up later when we were trying for a relationship because you were tired of waking up early.....F*** YOU!!!! c......, saying something like that only insinuates that you think I am retarded enough to try to convince me of something like that. I KNEW you waking up as early as 7am each day, so why try and beguile me like that, do you think that little of me???, even before I started lying to you this past month, you were way ahead on the quota of lies before it became fashionable for me to do so.. like 2-3 months ahead, talk about innovation.. and you go prattling on about how you lost faith.. ... unbelievable.. ) And we go full circle and YET AGAIN I ASK YOU THE SAME QUESTION. The question you’ve NEVER answered C.........; and that is WHY? Why did you become so attached to me when all of this started, why did you trick me into thinking you actually loved me, why?, YOU SAY I NEVER LISTEN AND YET YOU ALWAYS EVADE THIS QUESTION, YOU EVADE EVERYTHING BECAUSE ITS EASIER TO RUN AWAY AND AVOID THAN TO BE DIRECT.. never. I can’t believe you actually tried to throw that “ YOUR MUCH TO BLAME AS ME” as if that translates to the blame resting solely on me. YOUR TO BLAME FOR ALWAYS BEING SO AMBIGUOUS., I ****ING HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT, ALWAYS KEEP THINGS AMBIGUOUS, LIKE COVERING THERE TRACKS SO WHEN THEY HAVE TO GIVE TESTIMENT LIKE YOU HAVE DONE, YOU CAN ALWAYS FALL BACK ON THE FACT THAT YOU WERNT DIRECT. Things like “I could change my mind” WHICH DOES HAVE MORE THAN ONE MEANING C........ SO DONT YOU DARE GO AND SAY IT MENT YOU WERE THINKING OF ACTUALLY COMING TO SEE ME REALLY??? WHEN EVERYTHING ELSE I’VE DONE FOR YOU IS A INCONVINENCE.. REALLY??? I will admit though fact I got to the point of being ambiguous with the whole new girlfriend thing also, just to see if you actually cared.. well that was also a low blow on my part too.... ( basically I pretended to have a GF to see if she got jelous or responded.. I admitted this in a early thread and even though it was advice from a friend, it was stupid of me to not see the holes, mainly cause I was so obsessed). and I think that goes to show how stupidly obsessed I was with you, and in denial that you never wanted me in the first place...I will admit that part of the meet up this was advice from a friend about to see if you wanted me, another stupid thing I believed because of experience and how relationships have worked, to be honest I think the lying had gone to a point where I was desperate , so yes I am to blame here too, I think I was so fixated with the time we had I try anything to get you back, so yes I was pathetic.. yes I was underhanded, but that coy attitude of yours... to be honest with you all of the past few days now was just a aftermath of how I couldn’t accept our relationship was doomed to fail, I was so attached to you to what we had, and since you seemed so calious with the way you treated me I was given advice to be callous back.. this was the only time I ever did lie, the girl I saw a few months ago before I told you I still felt something for you, ( this is when I tried to move on and we both decided to move on from each other , and right after I tried dating but as you can see it didn't work out. while dating that girl after my ex I actually realised I still loved my ex and so I had to end it to tell my ex how I really felt) S........ ( who was a attempt to forget everything we had, though both me and s.... agreed it wouldn’t work out as it was only because we didn’t want to be alone), THAT was real, and leaving her made me realise how much I thought being with you was worth it ( you can ask Anna about that, no even better check on my facebook friends its right there.. I was never lying to you....).. I am admitting this now C....... HOWEVER... everything and including my last long post “everything” , that was true, yet everything after was a lie... All the more reason this needs to end now.. I appolgise for what I did that was my neurotic obsession, my fixation.. but still, still C....... I WILL NEVER Forgive you for the way you treated me, EVER... which occurred LONG BEFORE THE LYING... I CANT BELIEVE YOU I REALLY CANT, ARE YOU THAT ARROGENT A WOMAN TO THINK YOU NEVER REALLY HAVE TO LIFT A FINGER TO DO ANYTHING AND THAT THE RESPONSIBILITY RESTED ON ME, THAT WHY WE ARE INCOMPATIABLE BECAUSE YOUR IDEA OF A RELATIONSHIP IF BEING MOLLYCODDLED WITH ATTENTION WITHOUT ACTUALLY GIVING ANYTHING BACK. AT LEAST I AM NOT A COWARD AND ALWAYS TRY DIRECT WITH YOU, especially owning up to when I did wrong.. despite my handicaps of low-esteem. ( except for perhaps when I was nervous, which is what I assumed you were too, but really it was because you just shrugged it all off) IN THE END I TELL YOU STRAIGHT, and even though I was influenced by stupid advice a few days ago( which yes is my fault and I admit it) which is a low blow in my effect, AT LEAST I AM NOT A COWARD TO ADMIT WHEN IAM IN THE WRONG.. if you weren’t so stuck up I might have been more relaxed to have fun with you, you always push and push to higher the standard that needs to be met to keep your interest, just to see how far I would jump . and to think I was surprised that the first time we met I actually thought you might be the one. but as our time proceeded you became more and more distant, without ever telling me, you know, you’re more like other humans than you would like to know , self-obsessed and ego-centric, You are more emotionally underdeveloped than I thought. if you think you have lost faith in me, that nothing compared to the faith I’ve lost, especially since you’re pompous self-importance is symmetrical to the people you claim you use your fantasy to escape from.. you be surprised how much in common you have with the worst of the lot, mainly because you lack any ability to empathise with anyone but your made up characters.. The only thing I envy of you is your “apparent asexuality” which would be a dream to be one myself so I wouldn’t have to set myself up to be hurt by sociopaths.. LIKE YOU!!!, Thanks to you I have lost more faith in people than you would ever know... (slight more dramatic over the topness I deleted here too) Goodbye c........ thank you for showing me one thing: your egotism and self-righteous convictions of your part in all this is but an aftertaste to the vindictive bias and partiality in which you act like this world owes YOU EVERYTHING!!!! Edited January 11, 2012 by TheJiltedGeneration
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted January 11, 2012 Author Posted January 11, 2012 so yea thats my post, tbh right now after reading this I don't know who I am. mainly because several months after that post I still deem it necessary to want to be with her again, and emotions still dictate that I still want her by my side. did I believe she was really a decent person behind all that selfishness? she was childlike, and had certain characteristics I felt I could relate to.. but in the end it failed because of her lack of commitment.. I suppose if anyone wants a better summary of what happened between us, that sort of shows it all really, there were good moments intercut with all this ( like the first day we met, watched movies. where she stayed over mine forgetting about the time she needed to get home) but overall it was doomed to fail. so yea that my incentive to move on, so somehow I need to collate what I felt during that post to how I should feel about her now.. weird is'nt it? sorry if was overdramatic and strewd with CAPS and stuff... but yea was a really heated moment for me.. but u know I don't regret posting this here, it's kind of like a reminder for me to start this coping journal, a remind why we failed in the first place... I just need to keep the momentum..
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted January 13, 2012 Author Posted January 13, 2012 (edited) K so update nothing has moved in glacial proportions here, but I've got my second draft of one review done and my first draft of another done today which is good. Japanese lessons with my home tutor are back now, and started reading again to pass the time now instead of just staring at a blank screen ( tasked myself to finish all my books on my shelve). it's not much better than doing nothing, progress is being made. Still oft-think about her though, not so much of a central fixation but dimmed out of focus alittle so I only occupy myself with her if I don't have anything to do. I just got to keep going Edited January 13, 2012 by TheJiltedGeneration
esteem-jam Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 That second post is huge (havent read it). You layed out all your hatred in that- basically, the letter you did not send?
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted January 13, 2012 Author Posted January 13, 2012 actually it was the post that ended it ( no surprise there >.>) it kind of reminds me WHY it ended, as I seem to backslide right now and this kind of reminds me what she reduced me to.. so yea.. good that it has not continued since then I guess..
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted January 14, 2012 Author Posted January 14, 2012 (edited) I come here now in hope to ask a question, I know it won't be answered and it's inexorable until somehow or someway I can find peace in myself, but .. How do you forgive a ex?... how? I was thinking of what philosoraptor tries to postulate a lot(not saying it's a bad thing it is not in fact its a good thing) : to learn to forgive for a previous lover......... I can understand why you'd want to forgive, as it's kind of a stage that then leads to forgetting, and I can see the merit in that. But how? after what you've read a few responces up ( the long post) you can see a lot of embitterment maintains itself just through how momentous I felt the relationship was. It was the first time I've technically been in a relationship.. and thus far I have not felt closer to anyone except her... even though now their is no constituency that could hold our relationship afloat, especially with trust on my end. I can never trust anyone after that, mainly because I've noticed no woman I've been with has ever been forward with me about how they feel unless I ,well no so much asked, but probed. so how do you start forgiving someone who just seemed to change overnight, I realise it probably was not them I fell in love with, but a bravado to try and woo me over until they got jaded and then switched back to their default personality. But emotionally I can't believe it was not her... and that everything I described in the WAY to long epithet of a post is a complete complexion of her true nature. how do you forgive that? Edited January 14, 2012 by TheJiltedGeneration
dicky_fish Posted January 14, 2012 Posted January 14, 2012 so how do you start forgiving someone who just seemed to change overnight, I realise it probably was not them I fell in love with, but a bravado to try and woo me over until they got jaded and then switched back to their default personality. But emotionally I can't believe it was not her... and that everything I described in the WAY to long epithet of a post is a complete complexion of her true nature. how do you forgive that? Jilted, I feel like you and me are sort of kindred spirits in what we're going through. I ask myself this question all the time and not really finding any answers, yet still trying to avoid the natural path of becoming the bitter moaning ex boyfriend who becomes pretty much a monster thanks to the actions of one person. I'm told there's a way, but have yet to stumble upon it. When I do I'll let you know.
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 (edited) Jilted, I feel like you and me are sort of kindred spirits in what we're going through. I ask myself this question all the time and not really finding any answers, yet still trying to avoid the natural path of becoming the bitter moaning ex boyfriend who becomes pretty much a monster thanks to the actions of one person. I'm told there's a way, but have yet to stumble upon it. When I do I'll let you know. after what a ex can put a person through ( I remember your case especially being pretty unpleasant) its very difficult not to feel embittered, and just shrugging it off as just part of human nature... especially when they don't feel that it was of any significance... trying this one self help book at the mo Dicky, it's kind of hurdling the eggs into the one basket more than anything, but hey let you know if it's decent.. Update: this kind of retail therapy thing I am doing?, yea its kind of going abit far ( even spent like £60 on a preowned wii... a few weeks after buying a DS for myself)... so decided in order to find a healthy way of dealing with all this I might go see a counsilor as these feelings don't seem to be yielding at all... I am making slight improvements ( starting reading more and finished my first piece of coursework) but still not by stretch and bounds. I am thinking of trying to change myself completely( even asking a friend to help me out clothes shopping just so I don't wear combats all the time) as a way to cut all ties to my past self. got one of those self help books otw too; Getting past your break up by Susan J Elliott, as it seemed at least somewhat useful from the preview segments on amazon.. redesigning myself seems like a good way to go, hairstyle, clothes, just so all of it kind of culminates into a new me... I guess I need to change more than anything else, and for the better... Edited January 23, 2012 by TheJiltedGeneration
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 so yea going to try the councelling route to see if that helps in some way. tbh I've tried counceling before, it helps in some measure, but I realise no matter how I go looking for help the only person who can improve my lot in life is myself. But why, why is she effecting me so much. admittedly my lifestyle has never ,at any epoch , sat comfortably with me. The only time I felt really happy was with my ex, otherwise any other influence was just there to ameliorate or veil any discontent that I was met with. So it looks like my entire life needs a overhaul not just my feelings for my ex lover. another quote by Maya Angelou was to the effect that if you cannot love anymore have more faith in life, yet whats there to have faith in when the only consistent aphorism that seems to hold a mimetic is to not have faith in life... especially when having faith in the past has proven that rejection with inevitably follow..
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted March 9, 2012 Author Posted March 9, 2012 heya guys it's been way over a month since I visited last.. thought I would write a quick on the hoof kind of update ( well who I am I kidding its really just to vent...) but yea, what can I say that would be of any workable strategy for us fellow jilted folk to carry with us through each day; a few more months and it will be one year since I've ever "directly contacted" (a few glances at her deviant art 2 months ago not withstanding) her in any form. I have not fallen into the traps of communication in any permutation ( including indirect) for two months and avoid any contact between classes (luckly her classes are earlier than mine, I think she's adopted this too) and to be honest I try to live like she's never existed at all ( arrive 5 minutes late in each class so I dont bump into her as she leaves a earlier class in the same room which is ok as each tutor is usally late by 10minutes anyway). to be slightly clearer on this post I am coping... sort of... Life still feels as dessicated as ever but I am not curled into myself in some sort of nihilistic hissy fit of doom, I am doing things. I now do Aikido three times a week, as well as circuit training once a week, I had to drop my japanese unfortunately due to problems with my tutor ( which I am going to look for a new one right after my course in uni is finished) but will pick it up after uni is finished. I have moved on to WoW is is not quite a good thing but it keeps my mind off her so anything is a plus. I read more (well only 5 books which is'nt great but at least its something) and while I dont do my morning runs as much now (if not barely but the aikido and curcuit training takes care of my fitness... for the most part) I try to keep as active as possible. my life still feels empty.. and I think it will for a good while, recently I've had more intensified feelings about her, but I will not act on them, what I am going to do at some point see either see a life coach to get my mindset on more pertinent goals in life rather than on the ex, or even a councellor just to try and get myself to be frank.. I feel like I need a emotional overhaul. the dwelling just feels so wasteful right now, yet its still there.. I am accepting that these things take time and accepting that I will always love her, but I just want to believe that I myself am competent to stand on my own two legs and get some drive behind my actions, as right now I still feel like I am forcing myself to do these things, but still inside feel empty. this is what I am going to say to anyone in a simular fix; just keep doing any activities of a hobbyst nature. I wont lie YOU WILL feel a overarching emptiness that might not go away immediately but you will still feel somewhat better, and it will take your mind off them for the most part. a truth about obsession is that usally its because it's compensating for esteem issues and ways you feel unsatified with yourself, keep focusing on anything that will help you be more self-aware of yourself rather than your previous lover. there memories will creep in from time to time, sometimes completely shutting you down, but you need to accept that it's over and keep telling yourself that. thats the important thing... I still sometimes check my email box to see her responce but then I laughed at myself as I remembered I blocked her email address weeks ago (i guess I wonder if she will use a alt account to contact me but that is rediculous) I want my life to feel vibrant and dynamic but the only animation atm is of my arm poking the dead horse, which is bad, really bad. I am not obsessed to the point I will panic and try to break NC, am a realist now I know what she is like.. I know what alot of people my age are like.. but knowing does not make things easier. be nice if you could medicate love, or keep it controlled by a perscription where you emotional centers are nullified so that nagging buzz like tinnitus called desire stops interrupting life.... my life.. I don't know I just can't enjoy much still atm, I wonder if there is a cure for anhedionia.. it really sucks ... but yea I will be posting more frequently on this page, be forewarned, it will be nothing short of rambling so don't expect enteries of master literacy likened to a 18th century novel, but hey its a coping mechinism right. I am coping but still how do you cure that emptiness? I just want to have more faith in life, but I just don't... probably cause things just don't seem to be changing for the better.
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted March 12, 2012 Author Posted March 12, 2012 (edited) k I got coursework to do and emotions have been plaguing me somewhat so I thougth I would post here to sort of purge somewhat so I can just get on with what I need to do... It's really difficult to convey these feelings as mostly this is a retread of everythign I've been feeling up this point, pretty much reverted back to my old feelings of delusional wanting. like for the first time in several weeks or so came back here browsing through the posts to (sigh) see if she has a post on here.. ( I know pathetic right?) ) I still can;t stop playing these emotional games with myself right now, when I keep telling myself she is'nt the person to really have the emotional faculties to even feel anything amiss.. (I know that sounds cruel to say but ...it's quite true... she kind of has trouble with empathy.. ) but you know, after a while it's starting to eat away at me... am I NCing to move on... or just to wait till she cracks and responds or wants me back... sometimes I think it might be the latter.. AND THATS REALLY WRONG YOU KNOW.. I want to feel I am doing this so I can stand on my own two feet, I think to be honest with myself I feel I am such a weak person that I kind of want to be with someone who's talented, intelligent with simular interests as a kind of panacea to solve this emptiness in my life right now.. but I know life just does not work that way.. in fact its UNHEALTHY to want that... I've tried the exercise route, ( still 10 and a half stone which is v.good for my height) meditating, aikido, even circuit training. I read more, tried different stuff sometimes like different movies documentaries I need to watch ( thought that can be a struggle, as I just don;t feel any interest in even things I like anymore, so I rarely finish them or it takes me ages to finish) and my coursework ...sigh.. basically.. even doing all of this.. I still don't feel right in myself, as I feel well so many people are better than me ( be it at drawing, writing stories, reviews, smarter, wittier, ect) even when I try to keep my head above water and try to improve myself I just hate I cant be more than I am.. infact a friend picked up on this, and seem to browbeat all my shortcoming alot (thought I think he was venting cause of his other problems, but still I think people see me overall as being quite weak..) and therefore I revert back to procrazinating, playing on WoW or staring into blank space, ect... I don't do any japanese revision anymore (which I hatemyself for as if I stop now I won't ever learn..) but I just don't enjoy it like I used to, non of this can replace how I feel about her.. and it's still kind of there, like faint murmer I try to block out or ignore, **** it's like I've developed emotional tinnitus here..(noticed I used the same metaphor twise in another post.. can you see what I am trying to say guys.. I think I am really becoming inept in life..) tommorrow our two classes are joining for a guest speaker.. but like F**k am I going to that... I really want nothing to do with her now, to be in the same room feel's uncomfortable .... I want to feel comfortable with myself, I might try self confidence classes or something, cant really pay for it untill uni is over right now as I dont work often enough to be able to cover it ( as well as other things) but really the more I do these kind of things , the more I loathe myself for being so F****** limited in ability.. and therefore I enter the same emotional rut. I really need to feel that my condition in life right now is better than my condition with my ex (d/w I will never contact her again or anything I am over the need to contact,) but so far I am just going to repeat this angst over and over ( sorry if it feels I am getting nowhere oh well hello being mr basketcase...) Edited March 12, 2012 by TheJiltedGeneration
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 (edited) *sigh* I wrote something just now but accidently went back to the main forum page so it all went .. here I go again.. so today has been hell. and for some reason felt a spout of anger that had been nearly beyond anything felt before.. basically it was after my last class and I was waiting by the train station, I was on the opposite side of the track and stared at the spot she usually waits (she was long gone today as she has a class before mine, there was that two class thing I mentioned earlier but I didn't go to that one just the class after) and I felt realy livid. I guess I realised she was gone for good, though I can't say much as I perposely avoid any possible contact, but also I was angry as it seems liek she's completely secure in her writing and drawing and able to move in life as if I was never there, where I have become such a basketcase I can barely form sentances now w/o stuttering, or I have mental black outs when I am trying to respond to people ( not faints but... I guess brain fade is the best term).. and I felt really angry, It involved her harm, it involved taking it out on her... ( I am not going to act on it.. but maybe.. I should get it checked... as these thoughts have been frequent. ... I felt really ashamed about how I felt about her.. just what ran through my mind at that moment, how she is on such a high feather and I am down here scraping the flashes in the pan just to secure myself in life.. I really hate myself right now.... I can;t articulate how I feel, but the best way to describe it is helpless, as if no matter what I do, I am going to be alone, I can;t measure to the sauve or intelligenta out there as I have impaired faculties and can't make much of myself to really feel content with myself.. as I am kind of nondescript to alot of people unless I am the one that tries to maintain contact... I am sorry if I am being very effusive right now.. just take this as a mood swing.. they say these emotions pass, but they come about more often than self-contentment that I just don;t see the point in self improvement.. maybe it was all so some one would take notice.. how pathetic.. how childish.. Edited March 13, 2012 by TheJiltedGeneration
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 (edited) ..u know maybe I should quit LS.. recently been creeping around threads on the idea that she will post that she misses me.. I just can't be realistic about this.. I know in myself she won;t but it's the delusion of "maybe she will" that gives me a kind of high... I just can't think straight anymore.. you know I just feel this is getting worse and worse.. just how do I move on now? how can love life and myself, I know there is no answer for this... just this anhedonia just wont pass, I can't envelop myself in interest anymore without feeling liek I am forcing myself out what I feel is for my best interests... I just hate what i am becoming you know, I just hate being so inefficent, so loathing so nihilistic.. I can't just start being pro-active and enjoying it at the filp of a switch you know, I force myself to do so, but I don't feel enlivened or ... well I don't feel that joie de vive ... just blank.... i know we all have different healing times but it's nearly been a year.. why can't I move on.. by now she MUST have forgotten about me.. completely.. abscence is its own evidence... no intiative to contact me.. nothing.. so its SOO obvious... ... I am gonna try and get a drink of something, maybe have a early night and just watch something.. anything ... I can't run away from this.. I know.. I accept she's never coming back, but I just struggle to feel I am better off... as it feel's like she's better off.... cause I am so inept... Edited March 13, 2012 by TheJiltedGeneration
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 ok tbh this isnt helping me at all i am just getting silly and already I've been over- ruminating on things, this forum does not help anymore, i am not say the community sucks, just I just need to help myself, I am gonna ring a councellor today ( try to get a face to face one as the online skype one I had was horrendous) but yea thats they only way I can move on from this. I am gonna be leaving LS.. all I do now is trawl threads in hope that one of them will be from my ex, ... so yea silly thing to do... thanks for helping guys..
esteem-jam Posted March 14, 2012 Posted March 14, 2012 What are the chances that she might post at this particular board? And what the chances you will stumble on her thread (here are hundreds of new threads daily) and decipher that it is exactly her? When Im spiralling down in my thoughts on a bad day... let me tell you I have bad, and worst thoughts you could have about someone... involves harm. But I have separated this town in my and her territory, and I dont walk around "her" territory that often. You should do something similar, wait for the bus at other stop, walk further if you have to, evade her. Heres a quote from a famous thread, Im sure youve seen it: 3)Break your patterns. Do not drive by your ex's place, work, hangouts. You will not accomplish anything but hurting yourself. How would you feel if you see him/her with another (back to break up day 1)? Find other hangouts, other routes to work, other places to workout May cost you some extra money to change locale but it saves on the pain.
Author TheJiltedGeneration Posted March 14, 2012 Author Posted March 14, 2012 (edited) well I do avoid her and have been for nearly a year. except for looking at her deviant art about 3 months ago, I've pretty much never made direct contact in any form. I deleted my facebook, I go to classes in uni that she does not attend, I arrive 5 minutes latter to my class so I dont brush past her as she leaves hers as we have our classes in the same room, I've deleted her no. and her email. sometimes I even miss classes so I avoid going to uni and having to associate landmarks there with times I spend with her.. ( I think that having to go to that uni brings up too many bad memories, so that might be the main reason why I can't move on because I have to go to uni..) unfortunately I pretty much have to go to uni and its the same uni as her, I have to wait at the same platform (luckly while she is not around on said platform) so mnmonics and associations creep up at times... tbh I know she won't post on this thread ever, what reason does she have to and even if she had problems involving any backlash from our break up then it could more likely end up on one of the many other love advice sites strewn over the net... what I am saying is even though I know this I still do these habits of looking through threads anyway(though tbh I should'nt care about her as she certainly does not care about me..), I am unrealistic.. I know that... but the big problem is why am I doing this self-defeating exercise even though I know it is a waste of time.. The evading thing does help slightly, but instead its kind of like waiting for her to knock on my door and wanting to make up.. even though I know thats not going to happen.. what fustrates me right now is that I still can't find any enjoyment out of life beyond the moment I was with her, and I can't reach my goals or aspirations willingly, I am just sort of doing it as a means to move on... like if I do this or that then surely I will move on/forget about her.. it's like I still do activies and stuff (like doing curcuit training tonight, read more often, ect, watch different shows,) but I still feel empty.. thats what I hate most of all.. I am getting tunnel vision.. in regards to the bad thoughts, well I just think is a responce to the fustration and anguish of the truth that she will never come back and she never cared.. it's a rudimentary truth, unyeilding and inflexiable, but nonetheless true, it's foolish to think she will change and she will realise the value of what we had as much as I have.. and I can't take it.. I wish I was a stronger person and just let chips fall where they may, able to brush it off, but I can't... the self help thing worked for a while, but in the end I still feel empty.... it's this emptiness that really seems to be pulling the reigns... in order to feel forfilled I need to WANT to do these things not feel obliged.. and thats the problem... Edited March 14, 2012 by TheJiltedGeneration
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