MissMurder Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 We've been on and off for the past 2 and half years. The first time we broke up was because he didn't love me anymore. The second time was because we were arguing literally 24/7 for a week. The third and most recent time was well, my fault. In the past whenever we were broken up, I've had a history of flirting with other guys to feel better about myself but I have never ever cheated on him, ever. However, the second time we were together, 3 months of constant arguing, I could not take it anymore and the week of our break up I made a huge mistake of flirting with other guys to feel better about myself. I was not aware that I was flirting until someone told me a few months later. But like I said, I have never cheated on him. Flirting was the worst I've ever done. I'll admit, I regret it and shouldn't have done that. I apologized and everything and admitted to my mistakes. He recently found out about this flirting a few days ago and called me names that I did not like. I knew what I did was wrong, but I could not tolerate being called those names. We argued about it for a day and he was not listening to my explanation, but then again I don't blame him because I know what I did was wrong. But I let my anger get to me and I called a break. I failed to mention how long it would last because I didn't even know myself how much I needed. Well the next day I realized asking for a break was wrong so I texted him, but he ignored me for a while because he had taken it as a break up. We've had breaks before, one that he asked for and ended up break up with me a few days later, and another one where I ended up going nc because I needed to move on from him breaking up with me. He probably figured I would never talk to him again so he took it as a breakup. I know I shouldn't have asked for a break, especially out of anger. I admitted to my mistake and apologized, did the usually begging and pleading for him back. He claims that he does not love me anymore because I hurt him by asking for a break. I don't blame him at all though! But I do know that deep down he still loves me because otherwise, he would not have offered friendship in the first place. He wants to be friends with me to see if I'll change and to see if he can trust me again. I've looked through his things because he had been getting too close to another girl, I've flirted with other guys in the past while we were together and arguing but have never cheated on him, I've hidden many truths from him but have never lied to him, and I've broken promises. These are all simple things that are easy for me to change and that I am willing to change to be with him again. I can easily stop looking through his things because I already have, I can most definitely not ever flirt with other guys while we are together ever again because I was immature back then and I don't care about anyone but him, I can definitely stop hiding anymore truths from him because I don't have much to hide, and I can easily stop breaking promises. The thing is, how can I show him that I can change? He says he wants to be friends first to see if I can really change, which I can. I asked him if we could at least classify us as "dating" but he said not yet, because he can't date someone he can't trust. Again, I don't blame him and I am really ready to change. I know he still loves me because the past 6 months of being together for the 3rd times was beyond perfect, things were better than they ever have been and he actually told me he loves me everyday. Every time he broke up with me in the past, he was always the one to come back to me.He claims he does not love me anymore because I hurt him by asking for a break, but he wouldn't offer me this if he didn't love me anymore, right?
Rimer Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 I'm not sure what to do. But i'd like to ask if he broke up with you the first time because he didn't love you anymore how did I fall in love with you again?
PoppyLove89 Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 How long are you usually apart for when you break up? Maybe you guys get back together too soon? Sometimes time and space helps a couple realise what they truly want. Let the dust settle and you'll both see the relationship for what it really is and whether or not it's worth saving.
Author MissMurder Posted January 11, 2012 Author Posted January 11, 2012 I'm not sure what to do. But i'd like to ask if he broke up with you the first time because he didn't love you anymore how did I fall in love with you again? Both times he came back to me because he saw that I was moving on. The third time we were together, though, was when he confessed his love for me and everything.
PoppyLove89 Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 I just re-read your thread and you said he claimed he didn't love you anymore because you asked for a break. People don't just fall out of love on a whim. Sure you might want to throttle your SO at times but falling out of love takes a long time if it was ever real. He was clearly angry.
Author MissMurder Posted January 11, 2012 Author Posted January 11, 2012 How long are you usually apart for when you break up? Maybe you guys get back together too soon? Sometimes time and space helps a couple realise what they truly want. Let the dust settle and you'll both see the relationship for what it really is and whether or not it's worth saving. The first breakup was 5 months, the second was 3 months. But whenever we were apart we would always have that friends with benefits or friends phase to which I would always end because I couldn't handle being just friends.
Author MissMurder Posted January 11, 2012 Author Posted January 11, 2012 I just re-read your thread and you said he claimed he didn't love you anymore because you asked for a break. People don't just fall out of love on a whim. Sure you might want to throttle your SO at times but falling out of love takes a long time if it was ever real. He was clearly angry. This is what I thought as well. The break lasted ONE day and all of a sudden he's saying things like he doesn't love me anymore, or he loveD me, or he went from "I'm in love with you" to just friends. Sure, I hurt him and regret it, but I didn't think ONE day would change his feelings like that.
PoppyLove89 Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 The first breakup was 5 months, the second was 3 months. But whenever we were apart we would always have that friends with benefits or friends phase to which I would always end because I couldn't handle being just friends. So at this point in time, you aren't together right? I think maybe you should go NC for a couple weeks just to get your own head straight. Neither of you is going to think rationally whilst you're still angry with each other and even though you've been split up, you've never really been out of each other's lives since you were still hooking up/hanging out. That's just what I'd suggest though...plus my first relationship was temperamental like this, we were on and off for three and a half years but never really out of each other's lives, and I didn't realise how unhappy I was until I cut contact.
Author MissMurder Posted January 11, 2012 Author Posted January 11, 2012 So at this point in time, you aren't together right? I think maybe you should go NC for a couple weeks just to get your own head straight. Neither of you is going to think rationally whilst you're still angry with each other and even though you've been split up, you've never really been out of each other's lives since you were still hooking up/hanging out. That's just what I'd suggest though...plus my first relationship was temperamental like this, we were on and off for three and a half years but never really out of each other's lives, and I didn't realise how unhappy I was until I cut contact. I'm afraid to go nc again because I'm scared that this might be the last time ever. I go to college and he's in a different city. Plus, he was saying how he would hate to get back together a 4th time because it's like "back and forth." I feel like we can work things out though because we've been through so much worse, I'm just really scared this time...
PoppyLove89 Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 Think of it this way, if he truly loves you and his feelings are strong enough, then no length of time will keep him from contacting you. Let him do the chasing. Don't beg for love off someone who doesn't give it freely. My most recent ex claimed he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone else (cliche, I know!), he said he was going to propose to me when he got back from his tour in Afghan next year (so yeah, he was thinking about our future and wanted me in it) but alas, the arguments pushed us apart, we've been broken up for two months and no word from him despite the fact that we were together a year. Does it kill me? Completely. Was it real love on his end? I doubt it, he took his first serious gf back 2 years after they broke-up when the guy she left my ex for dumped her! I guess time apart made him realise he doesn't love me else he would have got in touch. I still miss him every day; I truly love him. My point is this, if it's meant to be it will be and if it isn't, you're just wasting time chasing the wrong person.
chelsea2011 Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 We've been on and off for the past 2 and half years. The first time we broke up was because he didn't love me anymore. The second time was because we were arguing literally 24/7 for a week. The third and most recent time was well, my fault. In the past whenever we were broken up, I've had a history of flirting with other guys to feel better about myself but I have never ever cheated on him, ever. However, the second time we were together, 3 months of constant arguing, I could not take it anymore and the week of our break up I made a huge mistake of flirting with other guys to feel better about myself. I was not aware that I was flirting until someone told me a few months later. But like I said, I have never cheated on him. Flirting was the worst I've ever done. I'll admit, I regret it and shouldn't have done that. I apologized and everything and admitted to my mistakes. He recently found out about this flirting a few days ago and called me names that I did not like. I knew what I did was wrong, but I could not tolerate being called those names. We argued about it for a day and he was not listening to my explanation, but then again I don't blame him because I know what I did was wrong. But I let my anger get to me and I called a break. I failed to mention how long it would last because I didn't even know myself how much I needed. Well the next day I realized asking for a break was wrong so I texted him, but he ignored me for a while because he had taken it as a break up. We've had breaks before, one that he asked for and ended up break up with me a few days later, and another one where I ended up going nc because I needed to move on from him breaking up with me. He probably figured I would never talk to him again so he took it as a breakup. I know I shouldn't have asked for a break, especially out of anger. I admitted to my mistake and apologized, did the usually begging and pleading for him back. He claims that he does not love me anymore because I hurt him by asking for a break. I don't blame him at all though! But I do know that deep down he still loves me because otherwise, he would not have offered friendship in the first place. He wants to be friends with me to see if I'll change and to see if he can trust me again. I've looked through his things because he had been getting too close to another girl, I've flirted with other guys in the past while we were together and arguing but have never cheated on him, I've hidden many truths from him but have never lied to him, and I've broken promises. These are all simple things that are easy for me to change and that I am willing to change to be with him again. I can easily stop looking through his things because I already have, I can most definitely not ever flirt with other guys while we are together ever again because I was immature back then and I don't care about anyone but him, I can definitely stop hiding anymore truths from him because I don't have much to hide, and I can easily stop breaking promises. The thing is, how can I show him that I can change? He says he wants to be friends first to see if I can really change, which I can. I asked him if we could at least classify us as "dating" but he said not yet, because he can't date someone he can't trust. Again, I don't blame him and I am really ready to change. I know he still loves me because the past 6 months of being together for the 3rd times was beyond perfect, things were better than they ever have been and he actually told me he loves me everyday. Every time he broke up with me in the past, he was always the one to come back to me.He claims he does not love me anymore because I hurt him by asking for a break, but he wouldn't offer me this if he didn't love me anymore, right? Are you in counseling by any chance? If I were you, I would take a break, not date anyone and focus on getting yourself to a better place before getting involved in a relationship. I don't think the friend route is going to work here because you will be too focused on trying to get him back that you won't fix what caused the problems in the first place. He is right in wanting to keep his distance, but not about being friends. This particular situation calls for a break, so you can focus on you and why this went back and forth like it did to begin with. Question. Was one of you in a committed relationship with someone else while this was going on?
Author MissMurder Posted January 11, 2012 Author Posted January 11, 2012 Are you in counseling by any chance? If I were you, I would take a break, not date anyone and focus on getting yourself to a better place before getting involved in a relationship. I don't think the friend route is going to work here because you will be too focused on trying to get him back that you won't fix what caused the problems in the first place. He is right in wanting to keep his distance, but not about being friends. This particular situation calls for a break, so you can focus on you and why this went back and forth like it did to begin with. Question. Was one of you in a committed relationship with someone else while this was going on? No, I am not in counseling. He said himself that he is not interested in finding anyone else at the moment, and that we could be together again if he sees change in me. Neither of us have ever cheated on each other, and we are each other's first love.
Author MissMurder Posted January 11, 2012 Author Posted January 11, 2012 Think of it this way, if he truly loves you and his feelings are strong enough, then no length of time will keep him from contacting you. Let him do the chasing. Don't beg for love off someone who doesn't give it freely. My most recent ex claimed he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone else (cliche, I know!), he said he was going to propose to me when he got back from his tour in Afghan next year (so yeah, he was thinking about our future and wanted me in it) but alas, the arguments pushed us apart, we've been broken up for two months and no word from him despite the fact that we were together a year. Does it kill me? Completely. Was it real love on his end? I doubt it, he took his first serious gf back 2 years after they broke-up when the guy she left my ex for dumped her! I guess time apart made him realise he doesn't love me else he would have got in touch. I still miss him every day; I truly love him. My point is this, if it's meant to be it will be and if it isn't, you're just wasting time chasing the wrong person. I am sorry to hear that Every time he broke up with me, he was always the one to come back to me. He has never seen anyone else or showed interest whenever we were apart. I'm just really afraid that going nc again will push us away for good, despite the fact that we love each other..
PoppyLove89 Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 I am sorry to hear that Every time he broke up with me, he was always the one to come back to me. He has never seen anyone else or showed interest whenever we were apart. I'm just really afraid that going nc again will push us away for good, despite the fact that we love each other.. Don't get me wrong, we're both still single, he didn't leave me for anyone else and as i'm friends with his sister, she's informed me he "still talks about you every day" and our mutual best friend suggested to me that he ended things with me for this little reason because a) i was finding his job difficult to accept, i was always scared for him and b) he's having jitters himself about his tour and he'd rather leave me now so i get over him than hurt me by not coming back alive...if that's the case, i hate the army But every time you've been apart, you've been in contact. That's the issue, how can you, in yourself, know what you truly want when he's still in your ear?
Author MissMurder Posted January 11, 2012 Author Posted January 11, 2012 Don't get me wrong, we're both still single, he didn't leave me for anyone else and as i'm friends with his sister, she's informed me he "still talks about you every day" and our mutual best friend suggested to me that he ended things with me for this little reason because a) i was finding his job difficult to accept, i was always scared for him and b) he's having jitters himself about his tour and he'd rather leave me now so i get over him than hurt me by not coming back alive...if that's the case, i hate the army But every time you've been apart, you've been in contact. That's the issue, how can you, in yourself, know what you truly want when he's still in your ear? I think we all hate the army, I'm sorry you have to go through that I hope you stay strong and happy. Every time we've been apart, we would be in contact for a couple weeks or so, then I would end it by going nc. He then would always break nc by coming back to me, twice.
PoppyLove89 Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 I mean, obviously I support the military but you know what I mean haha Well if he always breaks NC then he'll probably do it again. Maybe he needs to think he's lost you before he can fully commit himself again? You don't deserve to be jerked around...on/off/on/off! It seems he has some trust issues so I think you both need to take a step back and breathe. Besides, if he doesn't come back around, is that a man you want to spend your life with? One where you always have to do the fighting to save the relationship? It's a two-way street, babe and you deserve better
Author MissMurder Posted January 12, 2012 Author Posted January 12, 2012 I mean, obviously I support the military but you know what I mean haha Well if he always breaks NC then he'll probably do it again. Maybe he needs to think he's lost you before he can fully commit himself again? You don't deserve to be jerked around...on/off/on/off! It seems he has some trust issues so I think you both need to take a step back and breathe. Besides, if he doesn't come back around, is that a man you want to spend your life with? One where you always have to do the fighting to save the relationship? It's a two-way street, babe and you deserve better Yes, I know what you mean wouldn't you rather be with him though? Well, I've always done the fighting because I've always usually been the one to mess things up. Not on purpose, of course. I admitted to him that I'm selfish and oblivious, but I'm willing to change that because I don't like what I've become either. Yes, he has always come back, and things would always be better than ever, but I'm just scared that things won't work out this time.
smudge21 Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 It seems you have a very push/pull relationship thing going on and although I agree that taking it slow is a good idea I can't help think there's some issues on both sides that need addressing before you two can ever have the perfect relationship. Even though you've broke up, it's clear you've never really totally broke up as there's always been contact and you've both known there always would be. When most people break up and go NC it's generally because something is over and it hurts. I think simply because you two are so off/on I don't believe you've experienced being totally apart. Maybe some proper time away from each other may make you realise what it is you both really want, and also what it is that keeps driving you apart. Sometimes people can be so passionate for each other, but also so incompatible when it comes to being together.
Author MissMurder Posted January 12, 2012 Author Posted January 12, 2012 It seems you have a very push/pull relationship thing going on and although I agree that taking it slow is a good idea I can't help think there's some issues on both sides that need addressing before you two can ever have the perfect relationship. Even though you've broke up, it's clear you've never really totally broke up as there's always been contact and you've both known there always would be. When most people break up and go NC it's generally because something is over and it hurts. I think simply because you two are so off/on I don't believe you've experienced being totally apart. Maybe some proper time away from each other may make you realise what it is you both really want, and also what it is that keeps driving you apart. Sometimes people can be so passionate for each other, but also so incompatible when it comes to being together. We have been 4 months completely before, and then 3 months, if I remember correctly. I don't think I can ask to be apart for "a while" because he would take it the wrong way and assume it is "forever" because I was always the one to start nc since, I was always the dumpee. He came back twice and our love has been stronger than ever, but I feel that this may be the last time
Hopeless_1116 Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 We have been 4 months completely before, and then 3 months, if I remember correctly. I don't think I can ask to be apart for "a while" because he would take it the wrong way and assume it is "forever" because I was always the one to start nc since, I was always the dumpee. He came back twice and our love has been stronger than ever, but I feel that this may be the last time I think what other's have said is correct. You two both need some real time apart. You are so focused on whether or not he's going to come back that you aren't seeing the bigger picture. Put your love to the test and focus on you. Right now you have nothing to lose. He needs to see change and you need to focus on change. The relationship as it stands right now is broken, so if you go NC it's not going to make it more broken. Be honest with him and tell him you love him and that's why you need this time apart. To focus on you. Tell him when you're ready you'll contact him. If he moves on in this time period, it wasn't meant to be. If he loves you, he'll wait for you to become the person you want to be before getting back into this relationship. If you act from a place of fear and rush back to each other too soon, the relationship will fail again. After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results...
PoppyLove89 Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Yes, I know what you mean wouldn't you rather be with him though? Well, I've always done the fighting because I've always usually been the one to mess things up. Not on purpose, of course. I admitted to him that I'm selfish and oblivious, but I'm willing to change that because I don't like what I've become either. Yes, he has always come back, and things would always be better than ever, but I'm just scared that things won't work out this time. Of course I want to be with him but he can't seem to be with me, that's what kills me I genuinely believed we loved each other enough to fight through anything and realising that it was only me that thought so is soul destroying right now. Knowing he's given up on us, hurts more than anything I've ever felt in my adult life. Even when my first, and much longer, relationship ended I was never this cut up - I don't feel like it's done yet, we still love each other and I know that. You just have to have faith in your relationship. If it's meant to be, he will come around when his head is clear. If it isn't, rather end it now than when the stakes are higher (ie. you're married, have kids, a house etc). That's the way I'm thinking about my breakup.
chelsea2011 Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 (edited) We have been 4 months completely before, and then 3 months, if I remember correctly. I don't think I can ask to be apart for "a while" because he would take it the wrong way and assume it is "forever" because I was always the one to start nc since, I was always the dumpee. He came back twice and our love has been stronger than ever, but I feel that this may be the last time Have you asked him what he needs to see in order to trust you again? I do know how you're feeling because I was in an on/off situation for a long time. It's a tough situation for sure. There comes a point where "trust" gets so broken on both sides, it seems almost impossible to find your way back. It is possible to rebuild the relationship, but it takes a lot of hard work and complete commitment to do so. I have seen couples come back from the brink of disaster and end up having a relationship that exceeded anything they ever imagined. But again, it takes hard work and dedication. Have you taken some time to think about what you need from him too? For a relationship to get to this point, there has to be things you both need from each other in order to dedicate yourselves to rebuilding the relationship. I guess it's good that you both realize the relationship has hit rock bottom and know that significant changes need to be made to fix it. If you decide to give it a go, you both need to really think about what you need to make that happen. I'm at that point in my situation. I've been taking the time to think about what I would need in order to consider giving it a try. I am absolutely certain I cannot go back to the way things were; not after the revelations I've been having about myself. It would be a huge step backwards for me and I am not about to let that happen. That's why I'm taking some time to think about what I would need from him to consider giving it a shot. I don't want to be impulsive and end up back in the same dysfunctional situation we were in before. At the same time, I would want to know what he needs from me in order to feel safe about trying. We both have things we would need to resolve with each other. So MissMurder, rock bottom has its good and bad points. Do you think the two of you are able to do what I mentioned above? It sounds like your relationship is at a do or die point. Do think you guys have what it takes to do the work that needs to be done to rebuild your relationship? Do you have faith in one another? Is that what has kept you two together? I've always had faith in mine, but I am at a point where I'm tired of feeling crazy for having it...lol. Hope this helps! Sorry for rambling. Edited January 12, 2012 by chelsea2011
Author MissMurder Posted January 12, 2012 Author Posted January 12, 2012 (edited) Have you asked him what he needs to see in order to trust you again? I do know how you're feeling because I was in an on/off situation for a long time. It's a tough situation for sure. There comes a point where "trust" gets so broken on both sides, it seems almost impossible to find your way back. It is possible to rebuild the relationship, but it takes a lot of hard work and complete commitment to do so. I have seen couples come back from the brink of disaster and end up having a relationship that exceeded anything they ever imagined. But again, it takes hard work and dedication. Have you taken some time to think about what you need from him too? For a relationship to get to this point, there has to be things you both need from each other in order to dedicate yourselves to rebuilding the relationship. I guess it's good that you both realize the relationship has hit rock bottom and know that significant changes need to be made to fix it. If you decide to give it a go, you both need to really think about what you need to make that happen. I'm at that point in my situation. I've been taking the time to think about what I would need in order to consider giving it a try. I am absolutely certain I cannot go back to the way things were; not after the revelations I've been having about myself. It would be a huge step backwards for me and I am not about to let that happen. That's why I'm taking some time to think about what I would need from him to consider giving it a shot. I don't want to be impulsive and end up back in the same dysfunctional situation we were in before. At the same time, I would want to know what he needs from me in order to feel safe about trying. We both have things we would need to resolve with each other. So MissMurder, rock bottom has its good and bad points. Do you think the two of you are able to do what I mentioned above? It sounds like your relationship is at a do or die point. Do think you guys have what it takes to do the work that needs to be done to rebuild your relationship? Do you have faith in one another? Is that what has kept you two together? I've always had faith in mine, but I am at a point where I'm tired of feeling crazy for having it...lol. Hope this helps! Sorry for rambling. Thank you for taking your time to write this ramble To answer your questions, yes I know what he needs to see in order for him to trust me again because we both talked about it. Yes, I think we both have what it takes to rebuild the relationship. We both have made a lot of sacrifices for each other, big or small. Yes, he has sacrificed way more than I have and I think it's about time to change that and sacrifice the same amount. We both have faith in each other. Besides my past history of flirting, neither of us have ever cheated or anything along those lines. We trust each other with everything. The second time we got back together, our trust had broken so much to the point where it was like broken glass. But when we got back together the third time, the trust was fixed because we both worked on it really hard. It got to the point where everything couldn't be any more perfect. Edited January 12, 2012 by MissMurder
chelsea2011 Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Thank you for taking your time to write this ramble To answer your questions, yes I know what he needs to see in order for him to trust me again because we both talked about it. Yes, I think we both have what it takes to rebuild the relationship. We both have made a lot of sacrifices for each other, big or small. Yes, he has sacrificed way more than I have and I think it's about time to change that and sacrifice the same amount. We both have faith in each other. Besides my past history of flirting, neither of us have ever cheated or anything along those lines. We trust each other with everything. The second time we got back together, our trust had broken so much to the point where it was like broken glass. But when we got back together the third time, the trust was fixed because we both worked on it really hard. It got to the point where everything couldn't be any more perfect. Good. Sounds like you just had a momentary lapse of doubt. Carry on then.
Author MissMurder Posted January 12, 2012 Author Posted January 12, 2012 Good. Sounds like you just had a momentary lapse of doubt. Carry on then. So are you saying I should take this friendship path?
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