Does she want me?

[ordinaryguy]

[sIZE=3]Hi guys. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]Be good to have your opinions on this. Me and my ex (we have a 5 m/o boy) who I was madly in love with, with whom I begged back for months despite being continually knocked back time after time and time to the point where i began to question my sanity. I guess I loved her that much I couldn’t give up. I had to fight for her and would have done so for as long as it took to get her back. Well she eventually started showing me signs of compassion nothing major, just that she would consider talking about us. She hadn’t up to this point showed me any type of emotion, no kisses on the cheek, no "i miss you’s" or "i love you". In our first conversation in discussing "us" she reeled out a list of conditions, i.e. where she wanted to live, an allowance for her, whether she would receive a bank card to my bank account, making reference to "my dog" and if I’m giving her away (this is the dog i had since we met), she then mentioned if i would be including her in the mortgage if we got married, she even went as far as how i could help (indirectly) with paying her parents the money she incurred through our breakup. It literally went in that order. There was no discussion of anything romantic. Ive always said I would look after her and do anything for her, why was she after this emotional contract now?[/sIZE]

[sIZE=3] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]It just seemed like she was assessing what she could get out of us with absolutely no regard to us being a happy couple in love with a beautiful child. She didn’t mention if she has missed me or loved me. It was all about money, possessions, paying her family off. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]She said these were issues she wanted to address because she wanted security, but really should these be the first things you discuss, there was no emotion, she wasn’t holding me or saying anything nice. it was like a business transaction. When i told her this is wrong and this is not what i wanted she was quick to just end the conversation “of us” like it didn’t matter, no trying in anyway to salvage us like it was too much like hard work. it seemed purely about money and her lifestyle. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3] [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]Now this is where i try to see things from her perspective. she is a single mother living on benefits. Obviously money and security are important, sure why wouldn’t it be. But to me its almost like she would only consider us if her lifestyle was substantially improved. doesn’t seem about love or life or the things i want from a relationship. What are your opinions, its almost like she knows im sensitive about girls digging around for money but she still wanted to gauge how much she could potentially use me? Interestingly she lives on her own but ive never been allowed to go and see her and the baby. she regularly tries to emotional blackmail me, that ive left my family and it does reel me back in. So today I told her if she wants us to work then she has to let me be a dad and partner so I would like to start visiting her at her home, staying over, putting my son to bed, helping out, showing her love, and importantly letting her show me she loves me. She has this morning said “no as I should be proving myself to her not the other way around?” how bizarre since I want to go round and be there for her?[/sIZE]

[sIZE=3] It just seems like we are getting no further unless I make these purely financial commitments to her. [/sIZE]

Edited January 11, 2012 by ordinaryguy
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[ordinaryguy]

Sorry about the font guys!!! arghh hope you can read it

[Million.to.1]

I feel really bad for you... what a horrible situation.

 

Can you please explain when and why you broke up? ... how long were you together and how old are the two of you?

 

Was your son planned? ... how was she throughout the pregnancy?

[Exit]

Yikes that is really bizarre a quite a turn off. I think you really need to stand your ground on this one. Tell her love, respect, and commitment comes first, and then of course anyone in a loving relationship will tackle their financial issues together. Does she think she's the only one who wants some sense of security? What about you? What should you feel secure about when she openly admits most of her motivations would be about money? I don't think I've ever even heard of someone acting like this, most girls would act all lovey-dovey and disguise the fact that they're really all about the money, this one just says it out loud. I guess the only positive spin you could put on it is that she's being blatantly honest?

 

Love comes first. You could work together financially to take care of your child and not even have to be in a relationship if that's all she cares about.

 

She's acting strange, but this is also the position you got yourself in by pursuing so hard. Now she knows she can make a list of demands and you'll be tempted to give in to it. I'd say you need to back off a bit and let her see that by no means are you desperate enough to agree to some business contact to be in each other's lives.

 

The discussion of "can I have a bank card for your bank account" should not come before "Can I come over and spend more time with our child and we work on being affectionate towards each other".

[ordinaryguy]

Hi both,

 

we were together for around 18 months before we broke up. She would maintain i treated her unfairly when she was pregnant, and yes i could have been more supportive with certain things, but it was purely a case of non-communication and not seeing eye-to-ee with certain things, nothing sinister. I was juggling alot too and we didnt get much support. There are a million things i wish i done differently, but she was no angel and i had to put up with months of her telling me she hated me and chucking me out of the family home when things didnt go her way. Yes i can see things i did that irritated her, but she would naturally resort to name calling, shouting and verbal abuse. I would have worked through anything for her, because at the end of the day you come up against challenges and you must talk and get through them...well thats if you love each other enough?

 

Regarding our recent talks about getting back together, it is a very surreal situation to be in. i think she knows how much I love her and she knows shes not that into me and its a take it or leave it siutation for her. I just cant get over how she can be so callous. The when it doesnt go her way im the bad bad/partner. she knows i love her and care, its all ive said for 8 weeks every single day. The thing is when u love someone so much even if they have blatanetly different motivations its hard to see it happending in front of you. You try and convince yourself they are hurt and they really do love you but on face value shes been as cold as a cucumber and i have not seen an ounce of evidence she wants to work through matters of the heart. im not sure she even realises shes just talking about money and thats the worry, hence why i wonder why she doesnt try and hide it. Im fairly young with a good career so money would never be an issue for us, ive told her she could have what she wants but its like she wants it in black and white now before she committs. its like there is another long-term plan around the corner, because thats all shes ever done, run from one relationship to another. True love eh!

 

You guys rock.

[leoc1973]

Well its easy to see your side of the story and just start bashing her because it does appear that she is just looking to drain you dry. From what you have told us it sounds like she wants to be on the deed to the house so that she can immediately throw you out and drain your bank account.

 

However, I know a girl that her husband uses money to control her completely. He treats her like crap she had a good career and quit her job to raise a famil with him and he does stuff like with holds food from her takes the car keys with him and even tho they are married she is not on the deed to the house.

 

Can you look at it from the outside? Are you doing anything like that? While you guys were together you said you could have been there more while she was pregnant. Women have lots of hormonal things going on when it comes to being pregnant and giving birth. You haven't tried to control her in the past using money have you?

 

If you have been good to her(honestly) and she is still acting like this then you had better run for the hills. There is nothing to discuss here she is just a gold digger. Get a lawyer and stay away from her.

[ordinaryguy]

Thanks for your reply. It is easy to see my side yes, and trust me I’ve spent months trying to see it from her side and rationalise her behaviour towards me, the bitterness and hatred. I mentioned i could have been there more for her, i.e. i spent time apart from her at weekends for 4 months leading up to her pregnancy, mainly because of the arguments and because she loved spending time with her family. There were also 3-4 incidents were I could have shown more understanding i.e. symptoms of pregnancy, but I’m not a bad guy, this was my first child, I didn’t know what to expect, and i don’t pretend to be perfect, i loved her and would have worked through anything to make her happy.

 

Her resentment towards me took a turning point when i delayed us getting engaged, i always said when she became pregnant we would (at some point), but then she fell pregnant and her behaviour became a concern for me. At this point the demands materialised, i.e. moving to a nice house in a nice area in 2 years and her not going back to work for longer than i thought. We argued about the time off thing because i didn’t want to agree to her not going back to work because i had no idea what our financial situation would be like plus she wanted a new house; this caused a huge rift in our relationship and added to her bitterness. I always wanted to marry her but I wasn’t sure how she could cope when things became difficult, as things were proving if she wanted something there was no discussion about it. I then took a big step to increase my earning potential because of her need to move out of the area, I took on a new business and paid a lot to study a masters, all this was seen as selfish on my part. I couldn’t win, I couldn’t do all this for my family, for our future, for it to be appreciated.

 

I wouldn’t want anyone to bash her, i just wanted to know if somehow im setting myself up for being taken advantage of. Personally i cant see how she wants me for anything but security and a lifestyle. My texts go unanswered for days, her reponses are blasé, i never hear about my son from her, she never asks how i am, i tried every single day to build bridges and when i finally get somewhere and feel shes going to open up all she can bring herself to mention is money and what she will get. The upsetting thing is you make a baby out of love that should stand the test of time, we lasted 1 week after the baby was born.

 

Its an upsetting time, there is a lot more to this, and none of it is positive especially what happened after she broke up, but apparently I brought it all on myself. When I made a baby I committed my life to her, a ring is a piece of metal. Im lucky that after 4 months of being in a living hell, my life is pretty good now, ive made some great new friends and have a good social life, as much as I love my son, life becomes easier each day to wake up and not have him next to me. As for the Ex I think its clear she is not interested and as much as I love and care for her im happier without her although I do miss the girl I fell in love with.

 

Well its easy to see your side of the story and just start bashing her because it does appear that she is just looking to drain you dry. From what you have told us it sounds like she wants to be on the deed to the house so that she can immediately throw you out and drain your bank account.

 

However, I know a girl that her husband uses money to control her completely. He treats her like crap she had a good career and quit her job to raise a famil with him and he does stuff like with holds food from her takes the car keys with him and even tho they are married she is not on the deed to the house.

 

Can you look at it from the outside? Are you doing anything like that? While you guys were together you said you could have been there more while she was pregnant. Women have lots of hormonal things going on when it comes to being pregnant and giving birth. You haven't tried to control her in the past using money have you?

 

If you have been good to her(honestly) and she is still acting like this then you had better run for the hills. There is nothing to discuss here she is just a gold digger. Get a lawyer and stay away from her.

[ordinaryguy]

Ive received quite a few PMs asking how i am and how things have panned out for me. Well me and the ex didnt get back together, she didnt want me in the end, she only wanted money. She even convinced herself to come back to me only if i gave her all the material things she wanted (she had a mental list and recited it like she had rehearsed it for years). i know now why she never mentioned her feelings towards me. its because she was in love with someone else or convinced herself she was. i now know she was seeing another guy from when my son was only 6 weeks old; i know they were chatting long before that, she even lied when they started talking, it was some 6 months before she claimed he added her on facebook. I now know why her attitude towards me changed rapidly after our baby was born, she was simply pushing me away because this guy was waiting in the wings. I found texts between them that were highly flirtatious and i tried to believe they were innocent. then things didnt add up, she was lying about how many times she was seeing this guy, having birthday meals with him and she was going to the cinema with him claiming to be going with friends. It all fell into place when i saw them both at a restaurant together in a remote part of London, talk about coincidence, but then again isn't life and fate a funny thing - even shared a train with this guy a month before. must have been a sign! She was lying and trying to deceive me for months. I truly loved her with every ounce of my heart; why are women so cruel to see a guy in pain but lead him on. I now only see my son 2 hours a week who i adore and who adores me because she wants her new fella to play the dad. He looks more like me every day and its a pleasure to see my little expressions in his face. He knows im his dad and will always know i am and that gives me strength, simply some bonds you cannot break.

 

On the plus side i have found my angel, and everything ive wanted in a girl. I still look back and think how dark those months were, how much i missed my ex to the point of not wanting to live, even when she was at her worst to me. I would have done everything for her, she simply left the father of her son because there was a more convenient option (i planned for the long term and this guy was probably promising the earth right away - you know what guys are like).

 

Im glad this chapter of my life is over, so people be strong and positive if you face something similar; sometimes life is a strange thing.

[Tiera D]

another story with a better ending enjoy with the new girl and earn alot money then get custody on ur child dont let ur child grow up with that kinda people..Good luck brother

 

TD