Boyfriend from another planet

[confused_gf]

Just had a long conversation with my boyfriend that I felt like went nowhere and I'm wondering if its time for us to break up. We're both college students, in our early twenties, and have been together for over 2 years now. I know it would be really hard for me to walk away from everything we've shared together. I also feel a lot of pressure because both of our families are in the mix (just recently his brother told me I was part of their family now).

 

The nice thing about my boyfriend is that when I ask him to do something he will do just about anything for me. I feel guilty to feel unsatisfied, but sometimes I get tired of having to ask for every little thing. For instance, I love surprises and I love giving (and getting) really thoughtful gifts. To give you an idea of how different we can be: my BF tends to buy gifts the day before and he'll ask you straight out what you want and then buy it for you. Basically this year I put a lot of thought into his gift and I told him to get me something thoughtful. He ended up getting me this book he had been telling me about and a recording of him playing a bunch of songs on piano I've heard him play many times. It was sweet, but really predictable of him. I find myself wondering: can I stay in a relationship where I never get a nice surprise?

 

I also feel like I'm always the one bringing up crucial issues in our relationship. I've brought up moving in together several times and the conversation always seems to go something like this:

 

"So what about us moving in together?"

 

"That would be nice"

 

"So, maybe we could invest some nice furniture together?"

 

"Uh Huh"

 

"Here babe look at these listings for apartments"

 

"Oh...nice."

 

I talk about it realistically and he talks about it as if it were some pipe dream. At times like these I wonder, are we even on the same planet right now? It feels like I'm the one pushing everything along. I would at least feel better if he would actually initiate the conversation on things like this to let me know hes thinking about it too. I know that if I bug him enough like this that we could probably move in together, but otherwise we probably never would.

 

I don't know. We're both graduating and not sure what the future will hold. We have other issues as well that we have yet to rectify. I guess at this point I would like to see him more invested in our relationship than he is, because I want to know at this point how serious we are about staying together and making things work. Unfortunately I can't tell if he is too aloof or if I am too demanding! Thoughts?

Edited January 11, 2012 by confused_gf

[zlatnapolja]

I think you shouldnt make a big deal of the first thing. I mean.. I love giving presents or making people happy, but I find 'figuring out what to get someone' to be one of the hardest frustrating things there is:p It doesnt mean he doesnt think about you. Is it really that important to you?

 

the second however thing could be an issue.. How does the conversation continue?

 

You could ask him if he needs more time? Or you could ask him why he doesnt seem as enthousiastic as you are about moving in together..

[BoredAgain]

Alright, so this is just my opinion. Take it or leave it...

 

So, it seems like there are two issues. #1. He's a terrible gift-giver. #2. He doesn't seem too interested in moving the relationship forward.

 

I don't think #1 is a huge deal. Lots of people are terrible at giving gifts and surprises, but I think it's a skill that can be learned. Just tell him to google "how to give good gifts," and if he cares, then he'll learn. All long-term relationships have similar issues, you just have to learn how to deal with them.

 

Issue #2, on the other hand, could be the relationship killer. If he's not invested in the relationship, then there's really not much you can do about that. He's a young guy, so maybe he's more interested in hanging out with his friends... I don't know. I just know that you can't force somebody to care. On the other hand, he could just be dense. Maybe he just doesn't understand that moving in together is an important step. It's important for you to find out if he actually cares.

[confused_gf]

I think you shouldnt make a big deal of the first thing. I mean.. I love giving presents or making people happy, but I find 'figuring out what to get someone' to be one of the hardest frustrating things there is:p It doesnt mean he doesnt think about you. Is it really that important to you?

 

the second however thing could be an issue.. How does the conversation continue?

 

You could ask him if he needs more time? Or you could ask him why he doesnt seem as enthousiastic as you are about moving in together..

 

Yeah, maybe you are right with the first thing. I guess I feel like I don't want to be in a stale relationship where everything is so boring and predictable. I'd really like an element of surprise sometimes and I feel like my bf is incapable of providing that. I would love it if he would just do special things for me without me asking, as I love to do those things for him.

 

As far as the second thing - which I just argued with him about over the phone - I tell him that I feel like he is being indifferent, he apologizes and suddenly he really does care that we move in together. Yet later I will still find that I am the only one who is really talking about it.

 

I keep pressing him about it and he admitted we probably can't move in together anytime soon because he doesn't want to work while in school and won't have the money for the expenses of a new apartment. I respect his plans for the future but it seems like at this point we should be factoring each other into the equation a little bit. I feel like he is only thinking about his future career. I mention that we can move in later but he isn't sure if he is going straight into nursing school which might not be conducive either.

Edited January 11, 2012 by confused_gf

[zlatnapolja]

Yeah, maybe you are right with the first thing. I guess I feel like I don't want to be in a stale relationship where everything is so boring and predictable. I'd really like an element of surprise sometimes and I feel like my bf is incapable of providing that. I would love it if he would just do special things for me without me asking, as I love to do those things for him.

 

As far as the second thing - which I just argued with him about over the phone - I tell him that I feel like he is being indifferent, he apologizes and suddenly he really does care that we move in together. Yet later I will still find that I am the only one who is really talking about it.

 

I keep pressing him about it and he admitted we probably can't move in together anytime soon because he doesn't want to work while in school and won't have the money for the expenses of a new apartment. I respect his plans for the future but it seems like at this point we should be factoring each other into the equation a little bit. I feel like he is only thinking about his future career. I mention that we can move in later but he isn't sure if he is going straight into nursing school which might not be conducive either.

 

 

I'm also in my early twenties and I sometimes dont have a clue about what I want in life. Its part of being in your twenties and I guess thats what you two are going through too.

 

You cant force him to feel a certain way about something.. Nor can you completly change who you are. Think about whats most important to you in your relationship and in life. Do you see yourself growing old with him? And how is the rest of your relationship at the moment?

 

I understand you want some exitement in your life, but I'm guessing your not gonna get it that way from him. Maybe he can offer you something else instead of thoughtful gifts?

[confused_gf]

It's important for you to find out if he actually cares.

 

yeah I'm not sure how I can tell. He says he really does but his actions kind of say that he doesn't. He has time to play video games for hours on end, but realistically looking at his finances for moving in together? Maybe later....

[confused_gf]

I'm also in my early twenties and I sometimes dont have a clue about what I want in life. Its part of being in your twenties and I guess thats what you two are going through too.

 

I can relate. I just feel maybe at this point if we aren't trying to live together and make that work then we should just be friends and pursue our individual dreams full force. Its hard to feel like you might be investing this much time for someone who isn't serious about you or who isn't on the same page about your future together.

[westrock]

"So what about us moving in together?"

 

"That would be nice"

 

"So, maybe we could invest some nice furniture together?"

 

"Uh Huh"

 

"Here babe look at these listings for apartments"

 

"Oh...nice."

 

I talk about it realistically and he talks about it as if it were some pipe dream.

 

If you want to talk about it realistically, try being more specific about what you want, acknowledge his concerns, and open the door to discussing possible solutions.

 

For example, instead of "So what about us moving in together?", try saying something like: "I would be so happy if we were to move in together. I understand that you don't want to work while in school, and that makes sense, but I was thinking that if we work out a plan, we can we make this work for both of us. I have a couple of ideas on how to make this work."

 

With the above, you express what you want, you acknowledge his concerns, and you open the door to discussing possible solutions.

 

Yeah, maybe you are right with the first thing. I guess I feel like I don't want to be in a stale relationship where everything is so boring and predictable. I'd really like an element of surprise sometimes and I feel like my bf is incapable of providing that. I would love it if he would just do special things for me without me asking, as I love to do those things for him. .

 

You seem to define something that is predictable as being "boring" and not "special". Remember, even if it's predictable it can still be special.

 

As far as the second thing - which I just argued with him about over the phone - I tell him that I feel like he is being indifferent, he apologizes and suddenly he really does care that we move in together. Yet later I will still find that I am the only one who is really talking about it.

 

I keep pressing him about it and he admitted we probably can't move in together anytime soon because he doesn't want to work while in school and won't have the money for the expenses of a new apartment. I respect his plans for the future but it seems like at this point we should be factoring each other into the equation a little bit. I feel like he is only thinking about his future career. I mention that we can move in later but he isn't sure if he is going straight into nursing school which might not be conducive either.

 

It sounds he's being straightforward with you and he's likely being realistic about the situation. You shouldn't criticize him for that.

 

Other than the above, how does he treat you?

Edited January 11, 2012 by westrock

[confused_gf]

If you want to talk about it realistically, try being more specific about what you want, acknowledge his concerns, and open the door to discussing possible solutions.

 

I see what you are saying and I did that tonight. Its just hard for me to get to the knitty gritty of it when I'm met with indifference at the slightest suggestion of living together. I want to feel like he wants it too. Otherwise, whats exciting about it? Like proposing to someone who will go along with it "just because". Your stuck planning everything by yourself when its supposed to be a team effort.

 

 

 

It sounds he's being straightforward with you and he's likely being realistic about the situation. You shouldn't criticize him for that.

 

Other than the above, how does he treat you?

 

I was the one who asked him if my plan was even realistic. I was disspointed but ultimately I understand that his education is important. It just so happens that he is still working on his major and I am done with my major and taking some BS electives. So I understand his position. With that said I just want to feel like he also wants it and sees this relationship going beyond college.

 

He has become a really good boyfriend. Again, it just seems like I'm the one directing the relationship and asking him to do the things it takes to keep a relationship functioning (ie in the beginning of our relationship calling was a big issue). But like I said, if it comes down to it, he will do what I ask. I just wish he would show more initiative about crucial things like this.

Edited January 11, 2012 by confused_gf

[fiat500]

A few things. If you've really discussed your concerns with him then there's only so much you can do. You're the director of this relationship. You shouldn't be the director. You want surprises. The only way you can get what you want is to pull back on telling him what you expect from him and see if he truly does it on his own regarding gifts. If you've been in a relationship for two years he should have been taking the time to know 'you' and the kind of things you want or expect.

 

A man is more passionate about relationship matters when it occurs to him naturally and not told to him. If he's constantly being told what to do or what to be concerned about he loses the passion. HE should be the one telling you that he wants to move in together. NOT you.

 

Are you direct with him like how you were in your post? Such as "I'd like to know if you are on the same page as me and still interested in moving in together." You have to be direct, clear, and concise about this. You can't expect him to guess you want him to initiate this conversation or read your mind.

 

If you've already let him know this then you can't keep bugging him about it. It's not good for the same person in a relationship to be initiating serious matters while the other isn't as concerned about it.

 

You can't change a person. If you're not getting what you expect out of him then you have to really figure out if you're a good match for each other.

[confused_gf]

A few things. If you've really discussed your concerns with him then there's only so much you can do. You're the director of this relationship. You shouldn't be the director. You want surprises. The only way you can get what you want is to pull back on telling him what you expect from him and see if he truly does it on his own regarding gifts. If you've been in a relationship for two years he should have been taking the time to know 'you' and the kind of things you want or expect.

 

A man is more passionate about relationship matters when it occurs to him naturally and not told to him. If he's constantly being told what to do or what to be concerned about he loses the passion. HE should be the one telling you that he wants to move in together. NOT you.

 

Are you direct with him like how you were in your post? Such as "I'd like to know if you are on the same page as me and still interested in moving in together." You have to be direct, clear, and concise about this. You can't expect him to guess you want him to initiate this conversation or read your mind.

 

If you've already let him know this then you can't keep bugging him about it. It's not good for the same person in a relationship to be initiating serious matters while the other isn't as concerned about it.

 

You can't change a person. If you're not getting what you expect out of him then you have to really figure out if you're a good match for each other.

 

Hmmm seems like you're pretty spot on. Its funny that you said he should have gotten to know me by now. I've been told by my mom that my expectations of him are too high in that regard. But really, like you said, I just want to feel like he knows me and understands me. He is a very sweet well-intentioned person but I feel like he has a tendency to be kind of self absorbed (or as another person put it 'dense').

 

I think I will really pull back like you said. I kind of went crazy last night telling him all the things I think are wrong with our relationship. I overwhelmed him and myself, really. He got pretty emotional and it made me feel kind of bad. The weird thing is this morning he sent me a message online that made it seem like the conversation never happened "Hey baby, my mom found the house of flying daggers DVD. I love you! lets talk soon!"

 

Okay??? I don't know if he just wants to pretend like everything is fine when really he knows I've kind of had it. Pretty hard to know whats going on up there.

 

I guess now that I've said what I feel I can just leave it up to him.

[confused_gf]

Quick update:

 

Last time I am lecturing my boyfriend about the fact that he needs to contribute and address important issues in our relationship. I talked to him today about the oddness of getting a message about something so trivial after I told him I'm seriously thinking about breaking up with him. I brought up some points:

 

1) He should realize I am serious about breaking up and admit to himself that he has a problem being aloof about our relationship issues. He doesn't understand why we can't just talk about things instead of fighting but when I bring up issues he changes the subject and he doesn't bring up those issues himself. So he leaves me to sort everything out.

2) IMO he should have asked me to move in without me bothering him since we have been together over two years. Also, if he was excited about moving in with me he should express that clearly - especially after I told him I felt he was snubbing me. I told him since we can't move in this summer we should just drop the subject for a while. I'll leave the ball in his court. If we go back to square one where I find myself asking where this relationship is heading then it would be better for us to just break up.

3) He is my everything, our relationship is really important to me. But sometimes I don't get the same feeling back. I don't want to invest much more time in an imbalanced relationship.

 

It seems like we got somewhere. For the first time I felt like I could have the strength to actually break up with him. I feel like from now on I will just try to sit back and see if this relationship is something I actually want. If he doesn't change, I would be better off single. I'd rather be thinking about myself and what I want versus worrying about the future of our relationship.

 

Thanks for the good advice everyone!

If anyone has anything else they want to add, I'm all ears!

Edited January 12, 2012 by confused_gf

[chelsea2011]

Quick update:

 

Last time I am lecturing my boyfriend about the fact that he needs to contribute and address important issues in our relationship. I talked to him today about the oddness of getting a message about something so trivial after I told him I'm seriously thinking about breaking up with him. I brought up some points:

 

1) He should realize I am serious about breaking up and admit to himself that he has a problem being aloof about our relationship issues. He doesn't understand why we can't just talk about things instead of fighting but when I bring up issues he changes the subject and he doesn't bring up those issues himself. So he leaves me to sort everything out.

2) IMO he should have asked me to move in without me bothering him since we have been together over two years. Also, if he was excited about moving in with me he should express that clearly - especially after I told him I felt he was snubbing me. I told him since we can't move in this summer we should just drop the subject for a while. I'll leave the ball in his court. If we go back to square one where I find myself asking where this relationship is heading then it would be better for us to just break up.

3) He is my everything, our relationship is really important to me. But sometimes I don't get the same feeling back. I don't want to invest much more time in an imbalanced relationship.

 

It seems like we got somewhere. For the first time I felt like I could have the strength to actually break up with him. I feel like from now on I will just try to sit back and see if this relationship is something I actually want. If he doesn't change, I would be better off single. I'd rather be thinking about myself and what I want versus worrying about the future of our relationship.

 

Thanks for the good advice everyone!

If anyone has anything else they want to add, I'm all ears!

 

I typed a response to your earlier posts this afternoon and lost it all in cyber space. It looks like you're sorting it out and my post would probably be moot now anyway...lol.

 

How long have you been asking him about this?

[confused_gf]

I typed a response to your earlier posts this afternoon and lost it all in cyber space. It looks like you're sorting it out and my post would probably be moot now anyway...lol.

 

How long have you been asking him about this?

 

Ahhh the joys of modern technology.

 

I've been trying to bring it up for a while...I'm thinking more intently these past few months? Two of our friends moved in together and I remember asking him this past summer "Do you think we could do that?" and he literally responded "Ummmmm No." Now he denies saying this (so I guess I'm just crazy), but I've been thinking it would make sense for a while since we already spend so much time together, cook dinner together, and we end up leaving stuff at each others places constantly. I don't keep track of how many times I've tried to have this conversation, in our recent conversation he admits he doesn't remember me ever talking about it. He remembers us "having a conversation and deciding to move in". He doesn't remember the fact that I've brought it up endlessly and he has brushed me off numerous times.