perdida Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 ..after all, he is only 24.... or does all the stuff he's done to me, merit nothing good?? Me and my ex have been officially broken up since late October 2003 but still talk and still have emotional attachment on both parts. We were living together and he initially broke up with me stating he wasn't in love with me anymore and that we just weren't meant for each other and that he sees me like a sister, like family.... I accepted the breakup at first cuz I too thought that we probably weren't right for each other not because we don't get along but because he was still young and couldn't give me what I need which is a strong mature relationship leading to marriage (he lives with parents still, doesn't pay rent, has no responsibilities other than paying a cellphone, etc.) I couldn't move out immediately so I chose to stay until I could leave. After a while, it obviously became hard to live with someone you're still in love with. I attempted to work things out with him but he had made up his mind not to be with me. In light of the situation, I merely asked one thing of him: "to promise me that he would not see any other girl until I moved out"--out of respect. He agreed and also asked the same of me. I also agreed to it. Everything was going as well as it possibly could with the living situation and we eventually started being intimate again. Then a month later I see the name of his ex on the caller ID. I confronted him about it and he admitted that he had only been talking to her, that he hadn't been seeing her and stated "it was just someone to talk to". This is an ex that is totally in love with him to this day and will do anything to be back with him (she even claimed to b pregnant by him at one time just to ruin our relationship). Needless to say, it was obvious that there was funny business going on but I had no other choice than to believe him so I did. I thought that he would never break the promise he had made me about seeing other girls and since I was still giving him sex, I figured I had nothing to worry about. Much to my dismay though, I finally found out that he had in fact seen her and that he had sex with her. He firmly denied it and even swore in God's name it wasn't so. I knew the truth though and didn't let his lies fool me. Boy, he was such a great actor that day, he coulda won an award...lol. I stopped talking to him and started planning for my departure. I cannot say that he "cheated" cuz we weren't officially together, but I can say that he betrayed my trust in him. He broke the promise he made me. Whether or not I was his girlfriend, there was still a bond there; a certain respect that should have been kept. After he left for work one day, I started packing my stuff and left. I wanted him to come home and not find me there. Of course, he called me crying, bawling even, and beggin me to come home. He finally admitted to havin sex with his ex, said it happened only once and very briefly apologized. He kept calling and beggin though and I finally weakened and came back after he promised things would change, that he was ready for marriage, that we'd get married the next day, and so on... I know what you're all thinking...I'm dumb, but you all know what we do when we r blinded with love... Needless to say things didn't change and after a week went by, I asked him when we'd marry and as always I had to pull the info out of him and he finally said he wasn't ready, and that we needed time apart...the next day I packed my stuff and left once again. He bawled yet again and claimed he loved me so much but that he didn't understand himself, that he needs to find himself, that he's not ready for commitment, etc. By night time, he called me and was already asking me to come back...that he didn't ask me to stay cuz he thought I wouldn't stay unless he married me which was obviously total BS. I firmly said I wouldn't come back again, I told him he needed time to sort things out with himself and that when he was ready then I'd consider coming back. Three months have passed and he is still confused, still talks to the ex girl, still doesn't know who he is, still doesn't love himself therefore he can't love me, and yet loves me more than anything and claims he's thought about other women but hasn't indulged...go figure... I have so many emotions goin thru me...I'm sooo confused and hurt, so angry, so in love yet so disgusted by him...I need HELP!!! He calls me, I usually don't call him unless he tells me to, he emails me almost every day with a simple "hello" just so I know he was thinkin of me. I would like to not talk to him anymore, so that this nightmare can b over once and for all but its hard. I don't know if I should be waiting for him to figure himself out. After all, at least he is being honest about not being ready for commitment cuz others guys could just easily not admit it and keep you tagging along. And the worst part is that in my crazy mind, I think that if I don't take his calls or if I don't answer his emails, then he'll go find someone else who will. I know that if he's gonna find someone else, he's gonna do it regardless of anything and who knows if he already is seeing someone else and I don't know it. I hate it, but thats how far my jealousy goes, how far my desire for me not to be replaced is...thats how much I love him. Am I totally pathetic? I'd appreciate any advice, any thoughts, any experiences, etc. I live with this every single day of my life and need to set my mind at ease slowly but surely....
Luvmyblu15 Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 Either you want him or you dont , either you want him in your life or out. You have to make your own decisions because noone on this site knows him personally - sorry to say I know I dont meanto be harsh here~ I am in my own delimma & believe you me yours is downing too like mine but mine is much worse because we are married ...& have kids. Im Luvmyblu15 on here let me know if you wanna talk okay im here ~
azgirl Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 perdida- Maybe you and I can help each other here. God! Are your ex and mine related??? I am in a very similar situation to yours only back up 3 months. My ex broke up with me May 15. Well that is when this nightmare started. He is only 22. So I understand where you are coming from on the age issue. I take it you are older than he is?? Anyway. We also live together. He "doesn't love me anymore," "needs to find himself," "just wants to be alone to concentrate on himself and his life." etc., etc., etc. So ... the first week we agreed to try to work on things. Ended up having a normal week together just like we were together. In fact, he agreed to still make the trip home to Michigan with me to meet my family. The trip that we have had planned for months. The following weekend he gets bad news from his family about a bunch of drama that is going on with them and the next day tells me that he isn't changing his mind, blah, blah, blah. Keep in mind- we are still having sex. I told him that is was ok and that I didn't expect that we would get back together if it happened (which it has) because we always had fun together in that department so why not? So then he started staying at his friend's house last week and I saw him briefly on Sunday (after not seeing him for 4 days) and he still hasn't come home. We live together, too, and I am not financially able to move out just yet. He knows this and we have agreed that I will still live there until I can get my own place. (By the way - HE asked me to move in with him. I moved in in March!) I more than a little pissed about the prospect of moving again. It's getting hotter than hell down here, too! I don't think he is with another girl. He works two jobs, and doesn't really have the time to get out and meet women - unless it is someone at work. But his friend that he is staying with is a married man with three kids so that atmoshphere would not be conducive to hooking up with a girl either. I know how you feel. You want him back, right?? Don't you? I miss mine, too. I have been good about not calling him, but I emailed him today and asked him to come home. How long did you live with him after you initially broke up. I am thinking that after I get back from vacation, I should just pack one day and be gone - I could do it in a day - he'd never even know that I was going. What effect do you think that might have?? And when living together still, did you think you were working things out?? I am so confused. Maybe we can help each other. I just don't understand needing to be alone to sort things out in your life?? It's not that I can't be alone, but I can be with someone and get my own things handled, as well. ??? You know??
Luvmyblu15 Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 I love my husband wiht all my heart he is my best friend always there for me. But in the past 12 months each month I have noticed him deteriorating in our relationship as the same with me along with him , I felt like it was out of control after he found out back in November that I was talking to my ex fiance from hi school it was like he was torn on his feelings , as if I was trying to get BACK with Eddie, I WASNT i even told EDDIe no! Im not going back to that I left that & thats the past. But h ewas having children & EX problems too so I was tyring to be his shoulder WRONG THING TO DO! ! ! ********************************** With that ...let me say we are & have been married for the past3 yrs. Best friends prior for 5 yrs....he just up n left friday got an apartment for himself 1 bedroom & left! Borrowed the money & left period, he wouldnt talk to me the rest of friday night. he turned his phone off & ignored me. Then come saturday morning hec alled me told me IT DIED...he got a charger for it IRONICALLY & called me came by for an hr then left I was TORN so tired & crying all over the place.... I just cant take this , he came over lastnight for dinner for the holiday & ate stayed for 4 hrs held me - saw me crying hysterically still lEFT! told me we can work on this but WONT GIVE ME AN IDEA OF WHEN HE WILL COME HOME!
amish Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 Come on! People need to realize that "close friendships" with members of the opposite sex (ESPECIALLY ex-lovers) are unhealthy within most (if not all) marriages.
Luvmyblu15 Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 what does that mean towards me ? & my situiation?cmon ?
Author perdida Posted June 2, 2004 Author Posted June 2, 2004 Originally posted by Luvmyblu15 Either you want him or you dont , either you want him in your life or out. You have to make your own decisions because noone on this site knows him personally - sorry to say I know I dont meanto be harsh here~ I am in my own delimma & believe you me yours is downing too like mine but mine is much worse because we are married ...& have kids. Im Luvmyblu15 on here let me know if you wanna talk okay im here ~ That's exactly it though. I am so confused. My heart and my body wants him, but my brain says no. You know what it is? It's that I'm soooo picky with men, that I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna b alone for a very long time. I know its wrong, that's the thing. I shouldn't care. But loneliness is a bastard. I wish I could be happy on my own. I wish I could rip him out of my heart. I'm an absolute mess! You are absolutely right in that I have to make my own decisions, but I just want different people's points of view cuz sometimes I find myself letting what he did to me just slide on by and at other times, I despise him for it. Sometimes I think I should b understanding and give him the time to find himself and let life take its course, and other times I feel like just sending him to hell and erasing him from my life. In other words, if I'm being blinded, then I want somebody to help me take the blindfold off. You know what I mean? Thanks for offering your support.
Author perdida Posted June 2, 2004 Author Posted June 2, 2004 Haha, they are related, azgirl...they r from Mars...lol. I'll try to answer all your q's. Yes, I am older than him, even though not by much. I'll b 26 this year and he just turned 24...but as you may have already found out, men take much longer to mature. I'm ready to settle down, but he's not, although he was the one who convinced me (imagine that!)in the beginning that we should b together, that I was "the one" for him, that he wanted to grow old with me, that he wanted me to b the mother of his children, that he wanted me to be his wife, etc. You know, about that "needing to find himself". I feel the same way you do. I can find myself where ever I am, whoever I am with. With the person you love, anything is possible. What I think is that they just use that phrase as an excuse. Cuz I know I said something very similar to him (oddly enough) at the very beginning of our relationship. After being together for about six months, I realised that I was still in love with my ex and instead, I told him that I wanted to end the relationship becuz I "just wanted to be alone". It hurt him and he didn't accept it at first, but he eventually stuck around for a year and a half until I was over my ex and I finally got back together with him. I, of course, never flat out told him my real feelings, but I'm sure he sensed it. Sometimes I even think that the reason why he's done this to me is to get back at me for having made him wait a year and half for me....he's says it's not like that though. It's weird cuz as I said in my earlier response, I want him back because of all that we've been through, because we are so compatible, because I love him. But then, when I think about all that has happened, and the fact that he has me on hold, I say "screw him". Cuz even though I put him on hold for that year and a half at the beginning of our relationship, I made it up to him. I moved from my hometown to where he lived just so that we could finally b together. I sacrificed my job, being close to my family and all that just to be with him. Not only that, but in response to your other question, I continued living with him for 4 months after we broke up. I stayed partly cuz I hoped that things might work out, and partly also cuz I didn't have anywhere else to go. Trust me, things weren't all peachy. One day I'd hate him and wouldn't talk to him and other days we'd be cuddling and laughing and getting along. The effect I think it might have if you upped and left is hard to say cuz I don't know exactly how he is treating you right now. But most of the time, when we leave, it is like a wake up call to them. But then again, mine woke up only to go back to feeling the same way until I eventually left for good and he let me. So don't hold your breath. In other words, if you are gonna leave, leave becuz u feel its time to, not just to test him and see if he'll beg u to come back. Know what I mean? When living together after the breakup, yes, I did think things were working out. We were happy together, and he even says it to this day. He says that those times were beautiful. Imagine that? But yet, he doesn't want to continue our relationship. I guess its harder to understand for us cuz we aren't going thru any type of internal conflicts like they are. I just have to keep telling myself that I can't change him. That he'll regret doing this to me sooner or later. And I can't wait til I've moved on and found somebody else and he comes crying to me.... sounds kinda mean but he doesn't care about what he's done to me....all the lying, etc.
Luvmyblu15 Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 what does SPACE /TIME mean to a man? Time away from the bitchyness? what ? what am I missing here ? I miss him love him want him in my life my son needs him here at home , hes in an apartment alone with no furniture no food hardly but mac n cheese & maybe milk & cereal & ypical bachlor pad ya know electronics only get me? a desk I know that much PS2 & games & stereo! thats about it O a toilet! eieieieeii~ I want him here at OUR HOME! NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWwww TIME MY A**!
amish Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 Okay Luv, your husband can have my wife. They'll both get their space and time. It cuts across both genders. I don't know what the hell these people are thinking. Unfortunately, as the woman she gets to take our son with her.
will_woman Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 I am just wondering whether should women wait for those men to figure out what they want. Anything can happen in the future. IF one fine day, he want crazy again and decide that he does not want this family and run off? Is it worthwhile to wait for such men to "wake up"? I know the urge to hold back our men. When my husband raised the divorce and wanted to be with his new gf, I also hoped that everything cango back to normal. Let's hope that nothing has ever happened. But ****!!! It really happened. For first half year...in fact now...i also hoped he can wake up and come back....(my brain told me that I should not take back such rubbish).
kgal Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 It sounds like there are alot of insecurities on both parts. Seeing how you made the first step to "getting out" and call an end to the silly merry-go-round emotional ride.. shows that you've got what it takes to set things straight in your life. Sounds like you know what you want.. he doesn't. Maybe letting him go is best... just take a break.. see how you feel in time w/out wasting your time w/him. You deserve better and you will find a mature guy.. trust me!
Luvmyblu15 Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 I am so emotional help! I am sitting here reading these posts every moment I get a EMAIL MSG saying YOUVE GOT A MSG ON THE SITE! ************ I want to get back with my husband he is right now away from us like I first posted & well ... crap he has the apartment like i stated paid in full deposit & all ...got a deal on it but hes only a mile away not even ! down the street- he came over for dinner the other night too Memorial Day I cooked even THOUGH i was in the EMERGENCY ROOM from 11am- to 400pm THAT DAY due to BRONCHITIS & ASTHMA ATTACKS I cooked for us to have dinner to eat as a family because I WANTED to show him I love him & want him home WHERE HE BELONGS? HE told me yesterday that me insisting him to come home is making him feel pressured so I just didnt call him lately since lastnight evening time..UGH! WHAT THE HECK DO I DO!
Author perdida Posted June 2, 2004 Author Posted June 2, 2004 Originally posted by Luvmyblu15 I am so emotional help! I am sitting here reading these posts every moment I get a EMAIL MSG saying YOUVE GOT A MSG ON THE SITE! ************ I want to get back with my husband he is right now away from us like I first posted & well ... crap he has the apartment like i stated paid in full deposit & all ...got a deal on it but hes only a mile away not even ! down the street- he came over for dinner the other night too Memorial Day I cooked even THOUGH i was in the EMERGENCY ROOM from 11am- to 400pm THAT DAY due to BRONCHITIS & ASTHMA ATTACKS I cooked for us to have dinner to eat as a family because I WANTED to show him I love him & want him home WHERE HE BELONGS? HE told me yesterday that me insisting him to come home is making him feel pressured so I just didnt call him lately since lastnight evening time..UGH! WHAT THE HECK DO I DO! Luvmyblu, I know how desperate one can get. Sometimes I get so anxious, that even my body does this weird twitch when I just think about my ex and him being with someone else, etc, etc. Sounds funny but its true. Sometimes I even think I'm going crazy. And to tell you the truth I don't know how I've gotten by all this time. I don't know how I do it. I just try to be strong. What I find that helps me a lot is thinking of all the bad times I had with him, the bad things he's done to me, and that kinda makes me hate him so it calms me down and that's when I say "he's garbage". I also just try to think of all the positive things that may come becuz I am alone. I just say that you do need to calm down because it is true that he will feel pressured. He already knows you want him back. Now, its up to him to make the decision. And if I'm not mistaken, you mentioned that he is "willing to work things out" so then I do think there is hope. You just have to be patient with him. I mean, as long as you have no suspicions of another woman or things like that, then I advise you to be patient and understanding of him.
Luvmyblu15 Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 Thank you for replying back to me so soon. Unfortunately I was out with my son taking him to lunch & etc ( toy store) I might as well treat him & let out my anxiety in that sort of way right...positively. Other than that I had gotten a rude email from his best friends wife today- I had contacted hisbest friend through email saturday night 1 day after my husband moved out & still then I didnt know where he was staying I was clueless, I mearly stated in the email that "Jamie , please when you get my email call me or email me bk thanks..." (Im worried) about my husbands where abouts & such. Thats it! she emailed meback witht his ~>: *************** "LEAVE MY HUSBAND ALONE DO NOT EMAIL HIM OR CALL HIM AGAIN" *************** That was so rude! I called but I think she /they have caller ID, so with that she clicked me off when she saw my Cell #. Im so ticked off at immature people. Why is society so rude & ignorant? why! And to believe I am in Law Enforcement ! Ugggh- Makes me at times take a double take on my career. Anyhow! I dont know if he has someone else Errrrrrrrrrr, cant cant cant think that please no non o. Otherwise hes still not home, I made an appt with the Priest that married us at our church from our wedding. Father Joe said he would sit down with us after mass on Sunday the 6th. This sunday that is. I am just so upset /trying to cope/trying to get by/paid some bills today- he even went into the checking account & took out XX amt of $ to himseld over 500.00-! Just to take care of himself? Im like? ___its joint , if I had done that he wouldve burned his britches! Omg- I am just on a rollercoaster right now SORRY please reply bk thanks so much ALL
Author perdida Posted June 3, 2004 Author Posted June 3, 2004 No problem, Luv. How r u feeling? I'm sure it must be hard to have a child and be going thru this kind of thing but yeah, u must be strong for him and tend to him and remember that he needs you...and at the same time I'm sure it may be comforting to b able to give him your love. On another note, wow, that was very rude of that woman. What's wrong with her? Has there ever been any kind of friction between you guys? Or did she think you were trying to get with her husband or something? Well, I hate to say it cuz I don't wanna bring u down even more and I know it hurts to even think about it, but sometimes men who say they need space really need space for other women.... I certainly hope that this is not the case with your husband but you have to face reality sometimes. It's good that you have looked for some kinda help. Let's just hope he's up for it. Do u think your husband will be willing to go to mass and listen to the priest? Well, keep your head up....hopefully things will work out soon.
azgirl Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 perdida - Thanks for the reply. Sorry I didn't get back to you yesterday. Your reply did help shed some light on things, though. He is avoiding me like the plague right now. It's driving me nuts!!! He hasn't been home in a week!!! He's been staying with his friend. It pisses me off, though because I feel like he's being such a coward. And he's shirking every bit of responsiblilty he has! I don't know if he paid rent yet. I had to go get the mail key from him last weekend because I couldn't get into the mailbox and then found out that he had mail of mine in his car for 4 days that he finally brought home. How rude is that?? Then there is the issue of "his" cat. He didn't even bother to check with me to see if I would be around when he took off. Didn't even bother to make sure "his" cat would be taken care of. I said to him "What if I decided to go out of town for the weekend??" He just shrugged. It is unbelievable to me that he can just disappear like that and not take care of any responsibilities!!!! Is he being a coward?? Or what?? Can anyone explain this behavior?? Complete and total avoidance of me, of his responsibilities!!! Ugh! And worse yet - no communication on any of these issues!!!
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