ZimboGon Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 Been broke up for over two months. 7 weeks NC. She left me for another guy. We're going out on a date this weekend. Boo-ya.
PoppyLove89 Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 Wow how did this come about?? Good luck btw
Author ZimboGon Posted January 11, 2012 Author Posted January 11, 2012 (edited) I decided to contact her out of the blue one day and break NC. She didn't react well, because after she left me i turned my back on her completely. We talked for a bit, and she was rather harsh with me even though she was the one who really hurt me. We talked about our relationship, what went wrong, and cleared up some problems we had. A few days later, she broke up with the guy she left me for. A few days later, i ran into her. I guess she noticed how much i had changed. I had this more confident aura about me. I saw her, and without hesitation i was very friendly and open and talked to her. She was very awkward and cold about it when she saw me. Moments after the encounter, she texted me. We talked throughout the next 4 days or so non-stop. It was strange. Even though i was the broken one when she left me... I was the confident one when we talked. I knew what i wanted, and i knew what to say. She was so skeptical and upset about everything. We really started to dive into what went wrong with the relationship. I learned there were some things i did do that really pushed her away, it wasn't completely her fault. But, i knew she still cared about me. It was obvious what my feelings were and how i felt, i wanted reconciliation. She was more confusing and less open about it. Finally one night, we started talking on a much deeper level. About our emotions and how we felt about one another. I told her even though she broke my heart, there isn't anyone else i'd rather give the shattered pieces to. So i asked her she would like to go out with me, and she said she would like that. I realize that if i stuck with NC, i wouldn't have gotten back with her. She was using her resentment towards certain actions and choices i made as a coping mechanism to make herself feel better and move on from the break-up. If i hadn't of gotten in the way of that and reached out to her, well i'm pretty sure i would never have gotten a second chance. Edited January 11, 2012 by ZimboGon
punkinless Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 huh. congrats. gets me thinkin about what i should do...
thepedestrian Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 Congrats bud. Let us know in a few months how things work out.
chados Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 congrats there's just some things you need to understand, if she really wants you back she will probably contact you, and "she" should, not you.. it hasnt been that long since the breakup, things might be al right now, but if you do get back together the problems could still be there, theres a possibility that neither of you knows exactly why she broke up. there could be things she hasnt yet figured out cause she's young. asking her on a date is fine, but telling her you want get back together when the problems aren't solved, and after dumping you for another guy is not a great idea, you have to show her that you have some selfrespect, that you want her, but you dont "need her" to be happy with your life. just take it very slow. wish you the best.
betterdeal Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 7 weeks NC. I realize that if i stuck with NC, i wouldn't have gotten back with her. You did stick with NC, for 7 weeks.
Philosoraptor Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 I'm sorry to bring what is seen as a negative post, but I've been following your story and responding for awhile now. First: Didn't she just leave one guy and jump right in with another? It seems to me that she could be using this as a safe place to land... as there is no safer place than someone you know cares about you and is familiar. Second: Has she been able to explain to you in a mature way the self analysis she did in order to determine she could make the relationship work? I will paste what I've wrote in other threads: To everyone out there. If someone comes back you need to ask the right questions. What changes have you made internally that will allow the relationship to prosper? What brought about these changes? When did these changes begin? How do you think we can best deal with the issues that caused our breakup(s) in the past? This is your heart people... don't just hand it back to someone whom is likely to hurt you again. If they can't explain what changes they have made and give a "I know it can work out" line... they haven't matured. If they can't explain the internal converastion they had about the changes they likely haven't matured. If this happened a short time ago they may have rushed things and still are not ready. If they have not analyzed their past issues (you of course need to do the same as it is a two way street) then they have not matured enough to begin again. You know I wish you nothing but the best and I do not mean to bring down your high. I'd just hate to see you hurt again after you've made so much progress. If things work out I will be very happy for you as I wish nothing but happiness for everyone. But please be careful and keep all of your senses open here. Be very mindful of everything she says and how she is acting as she could be headed for the door and I'd hate for you to be blindsided again.
Author ZimboGon Posted January 11, 2012 Author Posted January 11, 2012 I'm sorry to bring what is seen as a negative post, but I've been following your story and responding for awhile now. First: Didn't she just leave one guy and jump right in with another? It seems to me that she could be using this as a safe place to land... as there is no safer place than someone you know cares about you and is familiar. Second: Has she been able to explain to you in a mature way the self analysis she did in order to determine she could make the relationship work? I thank you for your concern philosorapter. Because she and i weren't on the best terms, i as well as my friends had interpreted she was going to this new guy. However, it was the other way around. This guy was simply trying incredibly hard to get with her by attempting to ride the train the first one was on. I honestly think me breaking NC and reaching out to her was one of the main factors to her breaking up with her current boyfriend. As to the second, we have both been talking about that. She more so than me. We talked about what went wrong. How much time we spent together was unhealthy, we didn't have vibrant social lives. She also made me realize some of my flaws. I wasn't the 'perfect' boyfriend i thought i was. My phase of depression actually had a huge impact on pushing her away, as well as my stubborn nature whenever we had an argument. I would normally never give in, and push her until she broke. However, i myself have changed a good bit since the break-up. My only problem with her was her lack of communication, as she never told me everything on her mind and i expressed that to her. She said she never thought she could, because she felt i would get angry with her, but she hopes it can be different this time. I also don't feel like she is using ME as a safe place to land, because i am the one who started initiating it. She's following my lead again like normal, which is a good sign to me. She was hesitant about talking to me at first. Once my interest was expressed, she followed.
Philosoraptor Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 Well then, I hope all works out. Just be mindful of everything that she says and her actions and do not rush into what you had before. Remember that the previous relationship failed, so make this one different if you want to succeed. Best of luck
Author ZimboGon Posted January 11, 2012 Author Posted January 11, 2012 huh. congrats. gets me thinkin about what i should do... Funny you say that, because i'm dating my best friends younger sister. I read your story. and thank you philosoraptor. I really hope it works out. I plan to start things fresh and slow.
perfectlyflawed459 Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 huh. congrats. gets me thinkin about what i should do... I agree! haha. I think the main thing is to focus on and heal yourself before even allowing an ex back into your life. If you feel that you are in a good place in life where rejection will not set you back, then maybe breaking NC wouldn't hurt. Just my opinion though.
IfiKnewThen Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 i have to agree 100% that N/C is not the way to reconciliation all the time or most of the time. you do need positive loving...constructive communication with an open mindset. i feel people try hard to move forward in any way they can, even if they are wrong just to bury the pain....and after awhile you can grow much further apart. n/c is good for your healing...but only after you think you tried everything that you can handle trying. and said and made your peace. or to get away from a total nut. thats when complete n/c is good. or when you know they have rejected u completely and you are utterly wasting your time. but there is a place for contact. you just have to know when and then do it. and you have to know when to throw your hands up in the air and walk away too. 1
Author ZimboGon Posted January 11, 2012 Author Posted January 11, 2012 i have to agree 100% that N/C is not the way to reconciliation all the time or most of the time. you do need positive loving...constructive communication with an open mindset. i feel people try hard to move forward in any way they can, even if they are wrong just to bury the pain....and after awhile you can grow much further apart. n/c is good for your healing...but only after you think you tried everything that you can handle trying. and said and made your peace. or to get away from a total nut. thats when complete n/c is good. or when you know they have rejected u completely and you are utterly wasting your time. but there is a place for contact. you just have to know when and then do it. and you have to know when to throw your hands up in the air and walk away too. I strongly agree. Although people here preach NC, through my own experience i don't think it helps for reconciliation. As time passes the person who dumped you just moves on with their life. Its not that they don't miss you, but after awhile there isn't much to miss.
betterdeal Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 (edited) I strongly agree. Although people here preach NC, through my own experience i don't think it helps for reconciliation. As time passes the person who dumped you just moves on with their life. Its not that they don't miss you, but after awhile there isn't much to miss. You don't think your 7 weeks NC helped get you where you are today? I'm not a fan of what ifs, but, seriously, had you spent the past 7 weeks arguing, begging, bitching, pleading, bending over and greasing up, fighting, instead of NC, do you think you guys would have calmed enough to be able to listen to each other, to reconcile? Anyway, enjoy what you've won! Well done! Edited January 11, 2012 by betterdeal
Author ZimboGon Posted January 11, 2012 Author Posted January 11, 2012 You don't think your 7 weeks NC helped get you where you are today? I'm not a fan of what ifs, but, seriously, had you spent the past 7 weeks arguing, begging, bitching, pleading, bending over and greasing up, fighting, instead of NC, do you think you guys would have calmed enough to be able to listen to each other, to reconcile? Anyway, enjoy what you've won! Well done! I should be more clear. NC did help me get back to my former self. It did help me heal. It would only have hurt if i instead spent the 7 weeks trying to get back together with her and plead... However, what people normally preach here is STRICT NC. You don't contact them unless they contact you because that makes people believe it is more genuine and they want you back. But if you want to reconcile, that is not always the way to go. Once you've healed, if you feel you are capable and you want them back, back it known.
betterdeal Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 Oh for sure, I wholeheartedly agree with you in that case. The point of cutting ties, of losing contact, is to feel better, be yourself. What you do after you reach that point is anyone's guess. It's just a tool, not a way of life. As for don't contact them; let them contact you; that's just playing games in my opinion, and not very fun ones at that. Do what you want to do. That said, when someone is upset and vulnerable, advising them to not contact their ex is sound advice in my experience.
mr.goodguy Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 I should be more clear. NC did help me get back to my former self. It did help me heal. I'm glad you said this because NC is for your HEALING not a tool to use to reconcile. If you heal correctly (improve yourself) then you'll have a chance to reconcile if it is in the cards. Also don't count your chickens before they hatch. One date doesnt mean you've won. Having a long loving relationship is more indicative that you've won in the relationship realm. But I wish you the best with this chance.
perfectlyflawed459 Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Oh for sure, I wholeheartedly agree with you in that case. The point of cutting ties, of losing contact, is to feel better, be yourself. What you do after you reach that point is anyone's guess. It's just a tool, not a way of life. As for don't contact them; let them contact you; that's just playing games in my opinion, and not very fun ones at that. Do what you want to do. That said, when someone is upset and vulnerable, advising them to not contact their ex is sound advice in my experience. I agree with this. Acting like this never seems to do anyone good because feelings are left usaid and such. Plus in a way, we kind of sink down to their level by playing mind games back and usually two wrongs don't make right haha. Oh congrats on your second chance Zimbo! Hope it goes well
confused kitty Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Congrats ZimboGon!!! Heres hoping the rest of us will be as lucky as you! Keep us all posted
ken_25 Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Well, you've broke NC before, there was no 7 straight no contact weeks. And what NC there was did help you get to this point. I'm cautioning you here, be very careful. She's very immature and all she's done is go from guy (you) to guy to guy and now back to you. You really think she's matured? Well she has not to the point to where she needs to be to have a successful relationship. You haven't won yet, you have a new test now, take it slow. observe her actions, and don't just take her word.
Million.to.1 Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Zimbo... You have posted an awful lot here in that 7 weeks... and to be honest, I think your "healing" as been limited. I also agree that one date does not mean you have won. I do really hope it works out for you of course, I know your story and Wish you nothing but luck. ... it's just that.... there is 3000 threads on here of reconciliations that don't work out for every 1 that does. Please be careful... take it slow and protect yourself. Things might work out for a short time and then crash down around you leaving you in a much worse. I'm not saying that it's not worth trying, because it is... But you need to tread carefully, as you are still pretty raw. All the best...
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