t866 Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 Help- I've been with my live-in boyfriend for 3 years and it's been rough but we have tried to work through our problems. A big factor was his drinking, he's now been sober for almost a year and has done it all on his own. At the end of this month him and a few co-workers are planning a canoe trip where there will be a lot drinking and partying going on (no females allowed). My concern is that he is going to be tempted to drink. I have asked him not to go, I have a hard time trusting him again when he has broken that trust. Whenever we get into arguments he says, "well I'll just go and drink again." I've tried "if you go I'll leave you" and he doesn't care. Am I over-reacting or not? I feel very very strongly about alcohol, I don't allow alcohol in our home. I have a hard time believing that he will not drink, when he threatens me with it whenever we argue. Thank-you!
Pyrannaste Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 A big factor was his drinking, he's now been sober for almost a year and has done it all on his own. If he did all this on his own, it is possible he won't drink. To cut booze on your own you must be very strong-willed. Are you worried he'll fall again into booze-addiction (if he was addicted.....you did not mention it in your post)? That he'll get drunk and act in a stupid/dangerous way? If he drank a few beers while on the trip, and then he'd get back at home and NOT drink, would it be a problem? I mean, did he use to have an addiction, did he get drunk often, or he didn't have any real alcohol problems and it's just that alcohol is your pet peeve(or big hate )? I'm asking to understand better
FreeMe Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 Ever heard of a codependent?? because you are one. I suggest you look into it - there are books, information on the web, Al Anon meetings for anyone who is affected by an alcoholic. Why should he threaten YOU with his drinking?? Tell him if he starts drinking again he'll only be hurting himself because it's his brain he's damaging, his body he's dissapating and furthermore, you'll be out the door because you don't want to deal with a drunk. Therefore, how is it a threat to YOU? Tell him that even if that's not what you feel, tell him to go on the trip and then YOU go and take that time to go read several books on codependency. YOU cannot control his drinking - whether he goes on the trip or not.
Author t866 Posted June 1, 2004 Author Posted June 1, 2004 He is the type of person that will give in if everyone around him is drinking. I never had a problem with alcohol and used to drink myself, until I met him. He is very stupid/dangerous when he drinks and I feel like I have to babysit him, I feel disrespected when he drinks. I have tried several times before to maybe "let" him drink every once in a while i.e. weekends,parties etc. But one drink leads to two and two leads to three and then it turns into an everyday thing. Our life is so much better without alcohol, his family thinks so my family thinks so. He is also Bi-polar which has a lot to do with this, I've read intensily regarding Bi-polar. I know how it will be if he drinks and it scares me, he'll do something stupid, cheat, drive I don't know. I want to believe that he will not drink, I've stopped drinking for him and I've never had an issue with alcohol. I know that he is a strong-willed person, but put him in a bar or a situation where people are drinking and he doesn't think about the consequences or the long term effect. Every time I try to talk to him about it he get's upset and says that I don't trust him and we argue and nothing get's solved. I know if he drinks a few beers on the trip it will open a can of worms and he'll think it's okay to start drinking again or better yet do it behind my back.
Author t866 Posted June 1, 2004 Author Posted June 1, 2004 I also feel if he can't control his drinking, then somone has to or something bad is going to happen.
Pyrannaste Posted June 1, 2004 Posted June 1, 2004 Thanks for giving more background. I can understand your concerns...I'd be very worried too. I didn't understand the situation was so serious from your other post, sorry. Are you absolutely positive no women are allowed on the trip? Could him make an exception and take you with him, even if women are not allowed on the trip? (I suppose not because that would put the other guys in trouble with their gfs, or spoil their plans) Did you discuss this with him?what did he say? Is there any people in your bf's coworkers group that ou are friends with and whom you can trust that could keep an eye on him? And, any of his coworkers does not drink alcohol? It's way easier to resist drinking when there is someone else, even one person only, who keeps sober.
Author t866 Posted June 1, 2004 Author Posted June 1, 2004 I would have to ask him if there is anyone else that does not drink. I don't want to be the nagging girlfriend, but I have to do what's best for our relationship. If he is not willing to do what's best for our relationship then how can I count on him with other issues. I think the not knowing is the worst. I know in my heart he is a great person and a wonderful man, but as soon as alcohol is involved it's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr.Hyde. Like I said before his Bi-polar has a lot to do with it. I'm afraid that if he does drink on this trip that he is going to start drinking again and worst of all behind my back. I Thank you so much for your support and "words of wisdom", bbl.
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