After Break up, Your Sosial life?

January 10, 2012

I'm wondering am I the only one facing this problem. Since my break up 4 months ago I lost my gf and my best friend who I spent most of my free time with. With her out of the picture I am so alone. I only have a couple friends and there not THAT close either except one them. I'm not healed yet and can't really make new friends I'm even that low in self esteem or what ever it is that I feel like I can't even make new friends ever again that no1 wants to be with me. Is this a normal feeling? Anyone else gone down this road of loneliness of work-gym-sitting home alone feeling like everything is against you? How to get out of this rut?

January 10, 2012

I'm wondering am I the only one facing this problem. Since my break up 4 months ago I lost my gf and my best friend who I spent most of my free time with. With her out of the picture I am so alone. I only have a couple friends and there not THAT close either except one them. I'm not healed yet and can't really make new friends I'm even that low in self esteem or what ever it is that I feel like I can't even make new friends ever again that no1 wants to be with me. Is this a normal feeling? Anyone else gone down this road of loneliness of work-gym-sitting home alone feeling like everything is against you? How to get out of this rut?

Just go out there and do something. Join a creative writing class or a cooking club or something that sounds fun. Take a trip to Amsterdam if you've always wanted to go invite one of your guys friends or something. Just do something live some life. Time will heal you.

January 10, 2012

there are websites just for making friends. i have made friends with single girls in my position. it was a godsend. try meetup too for social groups near you.

January 10, 2012

My Ex was such a prolific socialite, that I feel isolated from the social scene in our town...

join a class of something.. martial arts, or sports or something.

Be interested in other people.. that's how you make new connections.

January 10, 2012

there are websites just for making friends. i have made friends with single girls in my position. it was a godsend. try meetup too for social groups near you.

Care to recommend some good websites to make friends? You can PM if you'd like

January 10, 2012

Been there except I had zero friends as I moved to a new state an she's all I had. I handled my situation then incorrectly, I tried filling the void of losing her by going on online dating sites and meeting new women, hanging out with them, met their friends, etc. Nothing lasted, it was just rebound after rebound and none of their friends ever stuck with me. This went on for 7 months and then I met my now most recent ex.

This time around after my last and longest relationship I decided to start getting involved in things I always wanted to be apart of. This way, it's more likely I will meet likeminded people. For me, I joined an mma (mixed martial arts) school. I train in Gracie style brazilian jiu jitsu and also striking. We have classes where there are 10-20 students at every class. The environment is very positive, with welcoming and nice people. When I'm in class, everything else in my life that's going on gets sucked out like a vacuum and I'm really focused in on what I'm learning. When I leave I feel great, they have events where people are invited to get together and what not and it's been easy meeting new people. I didn't go to a high school or college here, and all the jobs I've worked have been dominated by people in their 40s-50s. My last girlfriend didn't have many friends either, so it became harder to meet people.

Point is, I suggest jumping into something that you are either really interested in involving others or try something you have a slight interest in and seeing what happens. Meetup.com is a website that offers many group start ups where people do random activites. There are all kinds of groups, from sports to beer tasting, knitting, sailing, movies, photography, creating art, boating, etc. You name it and there's probably a group. The larger your population the more groups and more people there will be obviously. I live in the Tampa Bay area so, it's quite easy. But that mma school has helped tremendously with meeting new and positive people, boosted my confidence and self esteem. It's the only thing that in 7 months has been able to block any thought of her from coming to mind, I completely forget about her while I'm there, it's awesome.

Put yourself out there, make things happen.

January 10, 2012

Had the same problem as you. An ex I broke up with 8 years ago was my only friend as I neglected my actual friends. Didn't do much for 7 years after the split except work out, be healthy and see family. Luckily one of my old friends reconnected with me and eventually that and finding a new job gave me new friends.

Ironically, I split up with my other girl 4 months ago and since then my social life has gone sky high. I think it's because I learnt from the earlier relationship that no matter what never neglect friends.

You can find new ones mate. I was asked to join social clubs and that but no way, so I decided to just get a new job and met loads of new people to hang out with.

January 10, 2012

Same thing for me. And I found/find that I wasn't interested in anything either - nothing sounded appealing, nothing sounded fun or inspiring. Getting myself to do things seems very difficult. Still working through that. I have one or two things I like doing, but a lot of it is just still going through the motions.

January 11, 2012

I have the lack of social life thing going on too. I'm pretty introverted though so I'm happy with my own company most of the time. I'm not rushing out to try and meet new people. I'll get to that when the time comes. For now I'm content just doing my own thing.

January 11, 2012

I worried a lot about that...

I'm a little on the shy side, and when I was with my ex, he managed our social diary as it were. In the end, as his attention went onto other things, my social life suffered a lot. My own fault, it's a huge mistake to become so dependant on someone, but there we are. It happened: lesson learned.

My social life has actually improved enormously since the breakup. It forced me to consider all sorts of things that were stuff I wanted to do, but that he wasn't that keen on me doing. I joined a drama group, I started doing capoeira (Brazilian martial art), I see my old friends a lot more. I've tried all sorts of stuff. If it's something I have wanted to try, I no longer let my old nerves stop me from wimping out. I do it. I've done stuff that's a little bit outside my comfort zone. As my social circle has expanded, it's been interesting, and very heartening to see things intersect. People from my capoeira group came to see the last show my drama group put on.

I think you will find the same. Your social life will probably improve enormously. It can help a lot to join a focussed club/group or whatever. It serves as an ice-breaker, since you can talk about the shared interest. I'd also say: give it a chance. For the first three weeks, I didn't really enjoy the drama group, but I knew in my head it was actually because I didn't enjoy anything that much at that time.

January 11, 2012

Thank you for all the responses

I see some say there shy but I'm not. Could my insecurity/no self esteem/some of pessimism cause people to not want to hang around me?

January 12, 2012

My last post might be in the wrong forum but all responses are appreciated

January 12, 2012

Well, low self-esteem and pessimism does project. Its not that people wouldnt want to talk to you, its just that a lot of people gravitate toward positive people with a good outlook. I think its just harder to start a friendship with someone when you are feeling like that, existing friends will most often stick by you and help in that situation...but a new person may not want to walk into that.

Maybe getting involved with something you really enjoy might lift your mood and allow you to better interact with others? I dunno, its definitely a bit hard and I am going through a bit of the same thing. Most of my friends are married and we always did "couples" things. Im trying to reconnect with some of my old friends who are single.

January 12, 2012

Well, low self-esteem and pessimism does project. Its not that people wouldnt want to talk to you, its just that a lot of people gravitate toward positive people with a good outlook. I think its just harder to start a friendship with someone when you are feeling like that, existing friends will most often stick by you and help in that situation...but a new person may not want to walk into that.

Maybe getting involved with something you really enjoy might lift your mood and allow you to better interact with others? I dunno, its definitely a bit hard and I am going through a bit of the same thing. Most of my friends are married and we always did "couples" things. Im trying to reconnect with some of my old friends who are single.

Hey

Thanks for the response. I really got nothing that interest me right now =( One thing I need to do is lose weight. I'm thinking that would lift my mood and I wonder would it actually effect my brain too get rid of that pessimist as I always haven't been one.

I'm sorry to hear you in kinda the same situation. It sucks. Especially evenings at least for me.

January 12, 2012

How about going to the gym and just trying to casually socialize there?

If someone is at the gym, they obviously have an interest in working out. At least that reduces the uncertainty of what to talk about.

And dont worry about the loss of interest in things. I know how hard it is after a BU. But I have low level depression that surfaces now and again that makes me feel that way even without a great reason. I does suck when you are in it, but it doesnt last forever...you just have to force yourself a bit to get back on track

January 13, 2012

How about going to the gym and just trying to casually socialize there?

If someone is at the gym, they obviously have an interest in working out. At least that reduces the uncertainty of what to talk about.

And dont worry about the loss of interest in things. I know how hard it is after a BU. But I have low level depression that surfaces now and again that makes me feel that way even without a great reason. I does suck when you are in it, but it doesnt last forever...you just have to force yourself a bit to get back on track

I was going to the gym a lot before dec 20 when I saw her for the last time and she told me she doesn't have those kinda feelings for me anymore but cares about me and wants to be friends.. been NC ever since and will continue. I was going 3-5 times a week before this now after 20th i've been there 1-2 times. I lost 33 pounds in 3 months too now taken back on 10-15 i'm a big fellow. Haven't really socialized at the gym as it seems no1 would want to talk to me. I feel like this everywhere but work and I have couple friends there but don't see em much outside work. I just feel like no1 wants to know me anymore. No1 ever calls me.

Maybe I come out too needy and I know I'm so insecure it's driving me crazy because I'm a very open person who will talk to people about problems. Maybe too much even... I don't know what to do... I'm going on a cruise tomorrow with a friend, my cousin and 1 dude I dont know. Hopefully i'll have some fun there.. But I want something else in my life during the weekends other than getting wasted =(

January 13, 2012

I think what you are feeling is normal..

We put so much of ourselves in a relationship that when it ends there is a vacuum.

The more you want to be with them the more you put off some of your friends and going out as a couple becomes more important.

When I was single and I would go thru a breakup I always pulled in, licked my wounds, did some good introspection and then came out it.

It sounds to me that you are ready to come out of it..

Sometimes we have to force ourselves to go out and make friends and it can be little steps, say just going to a sports bar by yourself and hanging out.

January 13, 2012

I think what you are feeling is normal..
We put so much of ourselves in a relationship that when it ends there is a vacuum.
The more you want to be with them the more you put off some of your friends and going out as a couple becomes more important.

This ^^^

some of us really lose ourselves in relationships, which seems fine at the time (..to us)...but when we lose the significant other, it really forces us to pick up and start anew.

But, like others have said, its a phase and nothing permenant...it just really, really sucks when youre going through it.

January 14, 2012

I think what you are feeling is normal..
We put so much of ourselves in a relationship that when it ends there is a vacuum.
The more you want to be with them the more you put off some of your friends and going out as a couple becomes more important.

When I was single and I would go thru a breakup I always pulled in, licked my wounds, did some good introspection and then came out it.

It sounds to me that you are ready to come out of it..
Sometimes we have to force ourselves to go out and make friends and it can be little steps, say just going to a sports bar by yourself and hanging out.

You say it's normal. I admit I really changed during the long relationship. I became more passive in stuff altogether. I feel like I could force myself to go out and make friends but I would come off too needy asking them all the time what we'll do next weekend, or tomorrow etc.. wondering why they don't call me.. I know people have a life.. I just feel like the problem is with me I used to be a really social guy eventho I never had a HUGE friend pack as I never really wanted one. Damn.. after I read what I write I'm really pathetic right now.. just don't know what to do... should I first to learn to be happy with myself and learn to be alone. I feel like i'm trying to force myself into new friendships to fill that vacuum as you would say left by the ex

This ^^^

some of us really lose ourselves in relationships, which seems fine at the time (..to us)...but when we lose the significant other, it really forces us to pick up and start anew.

But, like others have said, its a phase and nothing permenant...it just really, really sucks when youre going through it.

Yes, I indeed lost myself in the relationship. I'm trying to move on past the ex. I think i'm doing a lot better on that part now I'm just second guessing everything else in my life. Could this just all be because my insecurity, no selfesteem or some kinda chemical inbalance? I'm on anti-d. After how long should I be conserned if I cant turn a new leaf? It's been 3 weeeks NC now. 5 months since the break up but she tagged me along with false hope for 4 months so my healing really has just begun

Thanks again to you both for responding

January 14, 2012

It is harder when you are lost in a relationship..trust me. Because not only do you have to get over the girl, you also have to re-establish who you are and your social life. Its like a new starting point because you have forgotten so much of the past.

Certainly, the feelings you have are natural to greiving, which can involve insecurity, depression, all those fun things. That person was your safety net, and they are now gone. But have no fear, each positive step you take will work wonders on your self-esteem. If you are only 3 weeks into your healing, you have many positive things to look forward too. If you really loved her, no one can expect you to be over it in 3 weeks.

PS, if you just got on the ADs recently, they take 4-6 weeks to reach full effect, so that may be another help to you as well

January 14, 2012

I just wanted to add my exerpience in hopes that it might help you out as well.

After my breakup from a LONG term relationship, I found myself with no friends, no man, low self esteem and low self worth. I was so depressed and cried every single day. I did not want to go out or do anything. After 2 months of sulking I got to a point where even I was sick of myself.

I woke up one day and decided to do something different with my life. I made a list of things I wanted to do or things that would better myself. These things included, working out, hiking, reading more, yoga, cooking classes, tennis, learning a new language, volunteering. And slowly but surely I DID them! ALL. And I tell you, with each thing I experienced, each thing I accomplished, I felt a new sense of worth. I lose weight and felt happy again, just being me... Suprisingly... People flocked towards me. I mean my schedule would be filled for the entire week by Tuesday. It's almost as if, when you are happy with yourself you start to glow. And people can't help but want to be around you.

My point of all this is, the time to yourself is needed. Do things you want to do on your own. (I did my whole list on my own). And once you feel that self worth and happiness again, that only you can give to yourself... PEOPLE WILL COME FLOCKING. That positive energy is irresistable.

Good luck on your journey and I wish you great things! Happy healing.

January 14, 2012

It is harder when you are lost in a relationship..trust me. Because not only do you have to get over the girl, you also have to re-establish who you are and your social life. Its like a new starting point because you have forgotten so much of the past.

Certainly, the feelings you have are natural to greiving, which can involve insecurity, depression, all those fun things. That person was your safety net, and they are now gone. But have no fear, each positive step you take will work wonders on your self-esteem. If you are only 3 weeks into your healing, you have many positive things to look forward too. If you really loved her, no one can expect you to be over it in 3 weeks.

PS, if you just got on the ADs recently, they take 4-6 weeks to reach full effect, so that may be another help to you as well

I've been on AD for 2-3 months now. I'm not the nervous wreck I was back then but I'm still not happy. I guess I just have to focus on me. Getting to know me once and for all. Even if that means being alone. They say it's even healthy to be alone. Go figure. Next week I'm gonna start going to the gym again and start eating healthier

I just wanted to add my exerpience in hopes that it might help you out as well.

After my breakup from a LONG term relationship, I found myself with no friends, no man, low self esteem and low self worth. I was so depressed and cried every single day. I did not want to go out or do anything. After 2 months of sulking I got to a point where even I was sick of myself.

I woke up one day and decided to do something different with my life. I made a list of things I wanted to do or things that would better myself. These things included, working out, hiking, reading more, yoga, cooking classes, tennis, learning a new language, volunteering. And slowly but surely I DID them! ALL. And I tell you, with each thing I experienced, each thing I accomplished, I felt a new sense of worth. I lose weight and felt happy again, just being me... Suprisingly... People flocked towards me. I mean my schedule would be filled for the entire week by Tuesday. It's almost as if, when you are happy with yourself you start to glow. And people can't help but want to be around you.

My point of all this is, the time to yourself is needed. Do things you want to do on your own. (I did my whole list on my own). And once you feel that self worth and happiness again, that only you can give to yourself... PEOPLE WILL COME FLOCKING. That positive energy is irresistable.

Good luck on your journey and I wish you great things! Happy healing.

Hey.. Thanks a lot for responding too it really does help. I'm sick with my life I just need to take that first huge step I guess but I just don't feel like doing anything now. I guess i'm just waiting for more of the pain of breakup to go away. It's great to hear once you "found yourself" again got that glow people started to flock around you. Gives me hope as I haven't glowed in years. Simple put I guess.. Be happy with myself and other people will also like me.

January 14, 2012

I'm really glad it helps. It is not an easy road but it will for SURE build your character and make you much stronger. You will be prepared for anything! Try to be patient with yourself, it all takes time. It took me 8 months to get where I am.

"You'll never know how strong you have to be until being strong is the only choice you have."

January 16, 2012

I'm really glad it helps. It is not an easy road but it will for SURE build your character and make you much stronger. You will be prepared for anything! Try to be patient with yourself, it all takes time. It took me 8 months to get where I am.

"You'll never know how strong you have to be until being strong is the only choice you have."

Oh ho.. Had a little break down today again.. Dunno why.. havent had one in while but started crying madly.. maybe it was one tv show where they showed this guy who had been shot and first person he called was his gf who rushed over to him and saved him by putting pressure to the wounds and calling an ambulance. Made me think I don't have that kinda person in my life that would put there own life into danger for another while I would given my life for my ex I doubth she would have even rushed to my aid.. did she really even care about me or just use me to get out of her own rut just to throw me aside when not needed anymore.. ugh oh... what a rollercoaster.. i wanna get off this ride already..

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