Mr. Savage Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Say I know a girl who I like and can definately see myself dating. I know she has more long term goals for a relationship compared to mine. Would it be a waste of my time to even ask her out? Or should I ask her out and at some point establish exactly how I feel and see where it goes from there? Thanks!
ditzchic Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Be honest with her. Tell her you really like her but you aren't ready for something serious. Let her make the decision. I've been on both sides of this. I've lead on guys and have been lead on. It's no fun for anyone in the end, especially if you really do like and respect the person. Just keep it honest.
carhill Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 IMO, it depends on one's perspective. If one is desirous of social and/or sexual contact, mindful of the relationship dealbreakers in evidence, and is honest about said circumstances with themselves and the person in question, such a dating circumstance can be healthy. I personally would not date someone whom I knew prior to be incompatible, based on their statements and/or actions. I have plenty of friends for social contact and view potential dating partners as long-term intimates. That's my style. Everyone's style is different.
azsinglegal Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 I've been doing this for 9 months. Dating someone I know he has no intentions of it going anywhere or anything other then exactly what it is right now. Is it right? Sure, if both parties know the expectations up front.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 You date her, she's going to think she has a chance of changing your mind. And then when you dump her you end up being the *********.
fortyninethousand322 Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Depends. If you know 100% for certain that nothing will happen then I say skip it and don't bother. If there's any chance you could change your mind I say go for it. If she gets her feelings hurt well that's her problem not yours. No need to worry about that.
Author Mr. Savage Posted January 10, 2012 Author Posted January 10, 2012 Good point. Especially when I suspect she wants me more than I want her.
KathyM Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 If you know she wants a LTR and you definately don't, then don't waste her time or lead her on by starting to date her.
Casablanca Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Be honest with her. Tell her you really like her but you aren't ready for something serious. Let her make the decision. I've been on both sides of this. I've lead on guys and have been lead on. It's no fun for anyone in the end, especially if you really do like and respect the person. Just keep it honest. Just be up front and honest...who knows, maybe your feelings will change once you go out with her
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Say I know a girl who I like and can definately see myself dating. I know she has more long term goals for a relationship compared to mine. Would it be a waste of my time to even ask her out? Or should I ask her out and at some point establish exactly how I feel and see where it goes from there? Thanks! Don't do it. Even if your upfront with her... she might wind up with strong feelings. You don't want to hurt her... so just don't go there unless you feel like going LT.
Overthirtymale Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Say I know a girl who I like and can definately see myself dating. I know she has more long term goals for a relationship compared to mine. Would it be a waste of my time to even ask her out? Or should I ask her out and at some point establish exactly how I feel and see where it goes from there? Thanks! You can predict the future? Frankly you don't know her nor she you well enough to make such statements about a relationship that you two never had. You are assuming too much.
FitChick Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 I just went through this with someone who was very keen. He had been divorced less than a year, was supporting the ex and two young kids plus had a mortgage of his own. I had dated someone in similar circumstances years ago and it was too much stress for him. If the guy had been childfree, it might have been possible. Timing is 90% of dating.
Feelsgoodman Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Don't do it. Even if your upfront with her... she might wind up with strong feelings. You don't want to hurt her... so just don't go there unless you feel like going LT. That's up to her to decide. It's not your job to make sure that a woman you're dating does not get hurt provided you don't mislead her to believe you are interested in something more than you actually are. And by the way, the best relationships are the ones where the girl is a little more interested in you than you are in her. It prevents you from falling head over heels for her and acting like a fool.
fortyninethousand322 Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 'job'? Perhaps not, but it is one's obligation, as a decent guy, not to hurt a woman. There are vulnerable people we shouldn't exploit. A woman's feelings can't be dismissed because we lay out ground rules. Certainly not all, but many women who would enter a casual non-permanent relationship are probably lonely or vulnerable in some way. No decent guy is going to want to distress them further. So is it a "decent woman's" job not to hurt men? I mean this whole post makes it sound like we should treat women with kid gloves. I mean they are adults too right?
fortyninethousand322 Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Yes it's a decent woman's job not to hurt men. Why would you think otherwise? There is no need to put on 'kid gloves'. It really isn't difficult to be a nice guy and do the right thing. You'd find yourself a better person and much more attractive to most women. Because most people on here think being a woman entitles you to things without any kind of responsibilities. And on the second point, I highly doubt it.
Feelsgoodman Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 'job'? Perhaps not, but it is one's obligation, as a decent guy, not to hurt a woman. There are vulnerable people we shouldn't exploit. A woman's feelings can't be dismissed because we lay out ground rules. Certainly not all, but many women who would enter a casual non-permanent relationship are probably lonely or vulnerable in some way. No decent guy is going to want to distress them further. How are you exploiting a woman if you make it clear that you're not interested in anything serious? It's up to her to decide whether she's cool with that or not.
jobaba Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 I see nothing wrong with dating somebody I have no current intentions of marrying per se. We're both having fun and enjoying each others' time. I won't cheat on them, and when things get sour we'll split. I won't lead her on and tell her she's the only one for me for all time and that we will have a picket fence somewhere. And ... if I warm up to her enough, she may be the one after all. I think this is a much better approach than applying a gazillion dealbreakers, finding someone 'perfect' and then clamping yourself to them after the first month of dating.
zengirl Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 It's only wrong if you aren't upfront about your dating style i.e. if you don't make it clear the kind of relationship you're looking for. Otherwise, perfectly fine.
Recommended Posts