Walking on egg shells......

[arbrne_vet]

So, i go this book at the library. makes me wonder if i would have read this months ago, would it had made a difference. honestly, probably not. i probably would have looked at it as a way to "fix"her.

 

i really don't know what i feel today. don't feel sad, don't feel hurt. maybe grieving... i don't know. after reading the little i did, i realize does not matter what i did, it would not have worked. kind of makes me feel better. i am not going nuts. i really thought a few weeks ago there was really something wrong with me. well, there was, but not the way i thought!!!

 

so, i move forward. working on me. as far as a relationship goes, not in the near future. i need to mend and heal. something i never felt i was ready for before.

 

i smile more, i laugh more, life is getting better.....

[Philosoraptor]

It's good things are starting to get easier.

 

What many do after a breakup is either put the blame all on themselves or all on their ex. As we grow we realize that in all facets there were two people in the relationship. All we can do is forgive ourselves for our mistakes, forgive our ex for theirs, and find peace within ourselves and with the situation.

 

Make sure you learn from the past and truly take the time to analyze yourself from the outside looking in.

[Pens55]

Ive been watching the board for a few days after coming BACK to the site, and I've followed your story a bit arbrne.

 

I see strong similarities in our stories, and I know how hard this is for you. I'm sure you arent used to failing and you take personal responsibility that you werent able to fix her/the relationship.

 

Believe me, this is the 2nd time I've gone through something like this and while its not easier the 2nd time around, its given me the insight I needed to cope a bit better and not make the same mistakes.

 

What it comes down to is really believing in your heart that this person is incapable of giving you what you need...what you deserve. If this person was like this the whole time you knew them, you probably wouldnt mourn at all. However, you saw the initial 'good' side, but unfortunately it may never come back and it most likely will not stay. Living in fear of this eats away at you and limits your ability to enjoy your life.

 

I guess my point is, know that you're not alone. One day we will come to accept that our ex's were just not capable of a caring relationship - as hard as it is for us now, we have the ability to move on and love again. I cant say I can offer you any advice, since I cant seem to follow my own...but if you need someone to listen, I've been there and I'm here for ya.

Edited January 11, 2012 by Pens55

[arbrne_vet]

i have finally come to the point that i realize this. i realize my feelings never matter. i look back at when we first met, and the first few years. i really thought she cared about me, but it really was not like that. i was giving her what she wanted, needed.... then time sets in.

 

this past year and a half has been so insane, i can't even begin to describe it. i have never fought so hard for a relationship in all my life. i was fighting for what was... not what is.

 

i have read half way through the book "walking on eggshells". mind you, i am NOT a book reader. i have gone through 1/2 this book in about 2 days. i will go through it again. although i cannot openly say she is BPD, but everything in this book points that she is. regardless, this is helping ME, and i no longer care about her anymore.

 

i see my future now, what i can make it. it no longer includes her, and now i can move on.....

[HLP234]

Everyone possesses the characteristics of BPD but only those that have a majority of them in a severe state can be classified as one. It can apply to everyone, but most people can find out through careful research. I need to get and read that book but I don't want my gf asking me why I have such a book haha.

[Pens55]

arbrne, I am so happy for you that you have accepted it. We are giving, caring people, so we think that making someone happy by doing x,y or z for them is normal. We fail to see that it is egocentric on their part. "It'll change," or "I am so proud I can be this strong and committed" I always said.

 

Its a catch 22 for these types of people. They are focused on their needs and use us to fulfill them, but over time they feel overwhelmed and cannot tolerate being close or dependent on us.

 

But the skills and strength you learned in your last relationship will certainly be appreciated by the next lucky lady...only next time it will be reciprocated.

[arbrne_vet]

Thanks for your replies.

As far as HLP234's comment, everyone has BPD to some extent. yes, as i read that book, i did see a few things i thought may pertain to me. I took that as helpful.

 

To constantly be in a lose, lose situation, and not really being aware of it, thinking you are doing the wrong things, wanting so bad to make them work.

 

Ya, i kind of feel now that i have been stuck on the spin cycle of the wash machine, yet, at the same time, relief from insanity.

 

My co-workers are definatly seeing a change in me. Friends far away i talk on the phone with have said the same thing.

 

Problem is, my jokes don't seem to get any funnier!!! lol!!

[chelsea2011]

Good for you airbrnvet! People that suffer from these disorders are very self centered and it's all about "me me me." They don't have the ability to see things from the other person's perspective and it ends being a losing battle for the care taker. I can imagin the relif you feel now! I know it well.

 

Good luck on your journey to the sunny side of the world! Sounds like you are almost there.

[arbrne_vet]

Thanks chelsea, but i would not go as far as to say i am almost there. I feel my life is finally "moving" somewhere and not stagnate, like it has been for the past year +.

 

I guess the best way to put it, there has been a thorn in my side, and i keep moving it, and not pulling it out. I feel i have pulled it out, and now it can heal.

 

Before i got to this point, i longed for a relationship with her so bad, and i could not imagine my life without her. now i can, and i look forward to being single again. wait, i am single!!!!

 

the idea of another relationship.... no, not now. now is time to find myself, and enjoy myself. if i happen to run into the girl of my dreams, then so be it, but as far as looking.. no!

 

Time for me to leave a trail, and stop following the same path everyone else takes!!!

[Pens55]

I totally envy you to have such acceptance and clarity. I hope I can reach that point sooner rather than later.

 

For now, my brain knows the harsh truth, but my heart tells me that happy endings are possible. Ive made my decision to not persue, but I am still not strong enough to totally close the door completely.

 

Good luck in all of your new opportunities and best wishes!

[arbrne_vet]

I totally envy you to have such acceptance and clarity. I hope I can reach that point sooner rather than later.

 

For now, my brain knows the harsh truth, but my heart tells me that happy endings are possible. Ive made my decision to not persue, but I am still not strong enough to totally close the door completely.

 

Good luck in all of your new opportunities and best wishes!

 

I guess all i can say is my brain is winning over my heart. I have accepted who she is....... especially after these past few weeks. It is hard. i remember how much in love i thought i was. even as i look back, i believe i was just her "savior". then slowly, i got the, you do things that make me feel unwanted. when asked, i never got an answer.

 

so..... i have "analyzed" those days. i really never got anything back from her. it was all give. i "thought" we were in love because this woman came around quite often.

 

i don't know....... but i have accepted it. i can't say i feel they "hurt" of a broken relationship anymore. feel more.... sad i guess.

 

Everyone says they learn so much from the experience from a BPD. i wish there was some other way i could have learned this.......

 

I no longer daydream of me leaving, and her missing me and coming around. the reality is, i leave, then i will hear from her. she will come over looking good, we will make love like newlyweds, feel close to her, like always..... then,i will hear how everything was my fault, and why did i... blah blah blah.

 

that is my reality. so,when i do hear from her, it will be ignored.

[chelsea2011]

Thanks chelsea, but i would not go as far as to say i am almost there. I feel my life is finally "moving" somewhere and not stagnate, like it has been for the past year +.

 

I guess the best way to put it, there has been a thorn in my side, and i keep moving it, and not pulling it out. I feel i have pulled it out, and now it can heal.

 

Before i got to this point, i longed for a relationship with her so bad, and i could not imagine my life without her. now i can, and i look forward to being single again. wait, i am single!!!!

 

the idea of another relationship.... no, not now. now is time to find myself, and enjoy myself. if i happen to run into the girl of my dreams, then so be it, but as far as looking.. no!

 

Time for me to leave a trail, and stop following the same path everyone else takes!!!

 

I went back and read some of your story and wow, you were definitely involved with a BPD'er alright. I refer to people like that as "Emotional Vampires" because they suck the life right out of you. I bet you will be able to spot one 1,000 miles away now...lol.

 

Anyway, good for you. I don't blame you for not wanting to date after that relationship...yikes! Good luck!

Edited January 12, 2012 by chelsea2011

[Pens55]

I guess all i can say is my brain is winning over my heart. I have accepted who she is....... especially after these past few weeks. It is hard. i remember how much in love i thought i was. even as i look back, i believe i was just her "savior". then slowly, i got the, you do things that make me feel unwanted. when asked, i never got an answer.

 

so..... i have "analyzed" those days. i really never got anything back from her. it was all give. i "thought" we were in love because this woman came around quite often.

 

i don't know....... but i have accepted it. i can't say i feel they "hurt" of a broken relationship anymore. feel more.... sad i guess.

 

Everyone says they learn so much from the experience from a BPD. i wish there was some other way i could have learned this.......

 

I no longer daydream of me leaving, and her missing me and coming around. the reality is, i leave, then i will hear from her. she will come over looking good, we will make love like newlyweds, feel close to her, like always..... then,i will hear how everything was my fault, and why did i... blah blah blah.

 

that is my reality. so,when i do hear from her, it will be ignored.

 

That is exactly the point I would like to reach: To realize that I was the savior she needed/wanted, but couldnt face being close with. I do believe there is a wonderful person in there somewhere, but it will never be there for good.

 

I hate looking at people as a value proposition - "are you going to benefit me, etc." She wasnt in a good place financially, socially or any other way that would benefit me - but I loved her regardless of whether it would possibly make my life a little tougher. Maybe this is a wakeup call to let me know I cant be that naive.

 

Your journey has inspired me and has given me hope for my own future.

[geegirl]

I guess all i can say is my brain is winning over my heart. I have accepted who she is....... especially after these past few weeks. It is hard. i remember how much in love i thought i was. even as i look back, i believe i was just her "savior". then slowly, i got the, you do things that make me feel unwanted. when asked, i never got an answer.

 

so..... i have "analyzed" those days. i really never got anything back from her. it was all give. i "thought" we were in love because this woman came around quite often.

 

i don't know....... but i have accepted it. i can't say i feel they "hurt" of a broken relationship anymore. feel more.... sad i guess.

 

Everyone says they learn so much from the experience from a BPD. i wish there was some other way i could have learned this.......

 

I no longer daydream of me leaving, and her missing me and coming around. the reality is, i leave, then i will hear from her. she will come over looking good, we will make love like newlyweds, feel close to her, like always..... then,i will hear how everything was my fault, and why did i... blah blah blah.

 

that is my reality. so,when i do hear from her, it will be ignored.

 

It's great to see you gaining mental clarity, Arbrne. So many lightbulb moments and when you start to piece things together, it's so much easier to detach yourself emotionally. It's a slow process but you will get there.

 

I think I told you my ex was diagnosed with NPD and the most difficult thing for me was trying to fathom the infathomable. But as time went on, it really didn't matter anymore whether he was BPD, NPD or ABC but more so the valuable lesson (which took me awhile to figure out) was focusing on myself rather than my continous need to want to fix him/us. I was so consumed with trying to fix him/us that I failed to see why I needed to be with someone that was broken.

 

I have a strong feeling she will be back. What you do realize is that it will just be a repeat of what's always been holding you back. While you realize it, I do hope you hold on to it and keep pushing forward. You've always been doing the same thing and expecting different results. Let's try something other than.

Edited January 12, 2012 by geegirl

[Rimer]

I guess all i can say is my brain is winning over my heart. I have accepted who she is....... especially after these past few weeks. It is hard. i remember how much in love i thought i was. even as i look back, i believe i was just her "savior". then slowly, i got the, you do things that make me feel unwanted. when asked, i never got an answer.

 

so..... i have "analyzed" those days. i really never got anything back from her. it was all give. i "thought" we were in love because this woman came around quite often.

 

i don't know....... but i have accepted it. i can't say i feel they "hurt" of a broken relationship anymore. feel more.... sad i guess.

 

Everyone says they learn so much from the experience from a BPD. i wish there was some other way i could have learned this.......

 

I no longer daydream of me leaving, and her missing me and coming around. the reality is, i leave, then i will hear from her. she will come over looking good, we will make love like newlyweds, feel close to her, like always..... then,i will hear how everything was my fault, and why did i... blah blah blah.

 

that is my reality. so,when i do hear from her, it will be ignored.

 

wow dude.. your opening my eyes a lot here.. I've been wondering recently did my ex have BPD too. I mean I was like her savior too when her life was going to the crappers she was a close to suicide. I always stayed by her side all the panic attacks, crying, suicide kinda behavior... I never heard a thanks for all this during 8 years.. then.. I feel so used... i've been suffering depression for some time now.. what does she do when I need the support? She ditches me.. first blames her self. then in the end blames everything on me.. why it didn't work.. How can someone do that to you.. i did everything for this woman.. it's nuts.. I just can't understand it... still cant.. its almost been 5 months now.. I'm doing better than a month ago but WAYS out of healing from relationship or getting my life back..

 

I too wanna now try to concentrate on me... Find out who I really am..

 

Cheers m8

[Pens55]

Seems like a lot of us end up in the same position:cool:

 

I wouldnt worry about the "BPD" and justify it that way, no matter what the underlying problem is, its about:

 

1. Not respecting or appreciating what we have done for them as a partner

2. Not providing the support we all need at some point in our life

3. Most of us have seen this occur multiple times - if I touch a hot stove, it burns. Why would I touch it again and expect a different result?

 

We are in love with something that does not exist anymore, it was one facet of the person and there is a whole seperate side. It is detaching from the good and recognizing the bad that is the problem

[HLP234]

Getting the blame for things you have done and them saying they feel like you don't want them, did so and so to make them feel bad is what my gf does now. I think she has BPD as she takes anti depressants and anxitey meds too. But I do not think she knows she has BPD.

 

She will be there for me when I need her and stuff but most of the time its like well, why can't anyone else but you have a bad day and why can't you realize that and act just as supporting as I did. This is also what you were talking about. There are times when she thinks about it and thanks me for always being there for her, but in a way the BPD issues still pursue over some time. It is a common thing we can not understand that well because each behavior is different for each person.

[arbrne_vet]

 

I have a strong feeling she will be back. What you do realize is that it will just be a repeat of what's always been holding you back. While you realize it, I do hope you hold on to it and keep pushing forward. You've always been doing the same thing and expecting different results. Let's try something other than.

 

Geegirl..... i guess this is why i feel the way i do. i FINALLY realize things will never change. she will always be the victim. yes, time to do something different. something for me.

 

Reading the book.. walking on eggshells... i think really helped. like i said before, would it have helped if i read it a year or even six months ago?? to be totally honest, probably not. i probably still would have read it, said "holy wow" this is her, but then, say to myself, BUT.....

 

I have acceptance. i guess that is what is needed to move on.

 

It really does not matter if she is BPD, or anything. Bottom line, no respect, lack of concern for my feelings, selfishness, on and on and on.

 

So, thanks to everyone, but most of all, i wish all of you the best on your situations. i wish i could offer my advise, but the only advise i can offer is what i told my son when he told me last night he proposed to his GF.

 

"treat her like she is the most precious thing in your life, and never pass an opportunity to let her know you love her"

 

i know this really does not fit here, but maybe for some of us, in the future, it will.

[geegirl]

"treat her like she is the most precious thing in your life, and never pass an opportunity to let her know you love her".

 

I think when that acceptance arrived for me, the painful realization that it would never change, the need to never look back was so strong no matter how my heart was breaking and no matter how strong the urge to open the door. Nothing could change my stance. Realizing the pain of not having him in my life was much more tolerable than the pain of having him in it. When that happened, I was determined to finally keep pushing through. I believe when you are done, you are done. You're getting there or perhaps already there.

 

That's a beautiful quote and one I would be so lucky to have a man declare. It speaks of your emotional capacity and it would be safe to say that you will make the right woman very happy someday. You have so much to give Arbrne and you deserve reciprocation in every way.

 

It's great to see you piecing this together and emerging from her. Keep going!

[arbrne_vet]

Thanks Geegirl, it is much appreciated. you too have much to offer. i read it in your posts.

 

i wish you the best!

[Graceful]

It really does not matter if she is BPD, or anything. Bottom line, no respect, lack of concern for my feelings, selfishness, on and on and on.

 

"treat her like she is the most precious thing in your life, and never pass an opportunity to let her know you love her"

 

i know this really does not fit here, but maybe for some of us, in the future, it will.

 

Listen up, A-Vet, m'Love.

 

I don't come onto LS very much these days b/c I am living my life. Not much here and no one ever listened to me anyhow. Fine with me.

 

As for you, you're right. The book you're reading is awesome, but in the long run, the real test is when you stop caring whether she has NPD, BPD, ADD, or what the hell else, because all that matters is that she is a horrible match for you, and diagnosing her continues to keep the focus on her, and you want to get it onto YOU.

 

Ya hear me? And you're beginning to do that. I call you the salt of the earth, b/c that's the way you strike me. So you need someone who appreciates that, um, take me for example.

 

And man, did you ever raise some nice kids, or what? Your daughter is married to a nice guy, and your son is getting hitched, so your kids seem to be forging ahead with their lives and you got them launched quite nicely.

 

So what's the damn problem? Yeesh. You dispense this fabulous advice to your kids, so take some for yourself. And listen to them, too, because as I recall, your daughter tried to tell you that your ex was a real black cloud. You raised them well. Now listen to them.

 

So if this isn't making you laugh, I give up. Back into my rabbit hole where I am very happy, thank you very much. Stay the course, stay loving and --- mmmm, now what color are your eyes, anyway? You never told me. I am totally on your side, you know that, right?

Edited January 14, 2012 by Graceful

[arbrne_vet]

Listen up, A-Vet, m'Love.

 

 

my girl grace.......! you always seem to know just the right time to chime in.......

I don't come onto LS very much these days b/c I am living my life. Not much here and no one ever listened to me anyhow.

 

 

i am listening....

 

 

As for you, you're right. The book you're reading is awesome, but in the long run, the real test is when you stop caring whether she has NPD, BPD, ADD, or what the hell else, because all that matters is that she is a horrible match for you, and diagnosing her continues to keep the focus on her, and you want to get it onto YOU.

 

 

 

 

as far as what she has, BPD, NPD ABC... i think she really has FU##ED UP!! lol!!

 

don't really care. moving on, yes. has taken me a while. been scolded by Mac, which was well deserved and needed!

 

 

 

Ya hear me? And you're beginning to do that. I call you the salt of the earth, b/c that's the way you strike me. So you need someone who appreciates that, um, take me for example.

 

 

example taken..., and thank you!!

 

 

So what's the damn problem? Yeesh. You dispense this fabulous advice to your kids, so take some for yourself. And listen to them, too, because as I recall, your daughter tried to tell you that your ex was a real black cloud. You raised them well. Now listen to them.

 

 

My problem.... gone!! it has taken me a while to get here, but i have finally arrived. Every one has to do things in their own way i guess...

 

 

 

So if this isn't making you laugh, I give up. Back into my rabbit hole where I am very happy, thank you very much.

 

making me laugh... no, making me smile... yes from ear to ear with a big **** eating grin:rolleyes:

 

 

 

 

Stay the course, stay loving and --- mmmm, now what color are your eyes, anyway? You never told me. I am totally on your side, you know that, right?

 

 

Thanks for all the kind words Grace..... I am staying the course, i am staying loving. I got a bottle of wine from my boss for new year's. i have decided to keep it and share it with the girl of my Graceful dreams....

 

Now... my eyes........ baby blue......

 

and yours.........

[Graceful]

my girl grace.......! you always seem to know just the right time to chime in.......

i am listening....

 

I knew it, I just knew you had blue eyes. I KNEW IT. I'll get back to this in a second.

 

Actually, A-Vet, you are someone who I did (and still think) listens not only to me, but to others here. And I know you appreciate the feedback and input.

 

Mack got on your case?! Wish I'd seen that, but as I said I haven't been around, so I missed it. Maybe that was the final wake-up call you really needed.

 

But you know, it's all a wash now and it doesn't matter. You're right. It's like that saying: "When the student is ready, the teacher appears."

 

as far as what she has, BPD, NPD ABC... i think she really has FU##ED UP!! lol!!

 

This is exactly the spirit I am talking about!! It's the truth. Distill the truth and that's all you need.

 

And you are funnier and more filled with laughter now, and this is why I know you're going to be okay. And this is the absolute BEST way to move on and heal and get back to the guy you are and like being -- and they guy who will attract really nice chicks in the future.

 

I know you're not perfect, but I also know you're a nice guy who really means well. If you goof once in a while, it's not intentional. You're probably clueless at times, so you need someone who sees you in those clueless moments, and sees how vulnerable and lovable you really are. And can laugh about them with you, not disparage you.

 

Don't rush into anything, just be at peace with yourself for a while, go out with friends, hit the gym, just be at peace knowing you're finally getting yourself together and you're able to laugh and be yourself.

 

Now back to your sparkly blue eyes ... I bet when you were with your ex, they weren't sparkling at all, and there's nothing more obvious and telling than sad blue eyes. But now, I'll bet they are sparkling again ... am I right?

 

Now... my eyes........ baby blue......

and yours.........

 

Can you believe this, mine are blue / green.

 

But the best thing here is that we both know how to laugh and smile and lighten up. This place could use more of that. I swear, I have never seen a bigger bunch of stiffs. hahahaha.

 

This place needs a smart-ass, and I'm pretty good at that role, aren't I? But that's just part of it, as you know, I really want to help people see the light. It's just that my way has a distinctive style. You with me on that?

 

So take care, A-Vet. Take it easy. And be true. Back into my rabbit hole I go, but I just might surface now and again, so ya better watch it.

Your girl,

Grace

[arbrne_vet]

I know you're not perfect, but I also know you're a nice guy who really means well. If you goof once in a while, it's not intentional. You're probably clueless at times, so you need someone who sees you in those clueless moments, and sees how vulnerable and lovable you really are. And can laugh about them with you, not disparage you.

 

Your girl,

Grace

 

 

Way toooooooo scary!!!!!!! yes, that is me. sometimes clueless, but i eventually figure it out!!!

 

Look forward to hearing from you soon Grace......

[YellowShark]

I was once in a relationship with an undiagnosed woman with Borderline Personality Disorder. It was absolute hell. Why? Because it is like trying to buy bread at a hardware store. Nothing makes sense, and when it does, you generally end up taking the blame for what they did. Somehow *you* always caused them to _____________.

 

You just can't win since they refuse to take ownership for their screw ups, and if you take it on the chin just to get past the issue and move on then they blame you for acting like a martyr. It's a no-win. And then there is the gaslighting, infidelity, money problems, endless employment problems, friction with family and friends, substance abuse, emotional abuse. Ugh.

 

So I definitely recommend the book 'Eggshells." It really opens your eyes because they don't teach you how to handle someone with BPD in school. So you are totally unprepared for the toll it takes on you or how seductive they can be.

 

It takes months, even years to get their poison out of your system. And now I am aware of the red flags, which help me before I get sucked into the vortex. For instance, went out on a few dates with a woman, she seemed wonderful and a good match, but now that I know what mirroring is, I saw that I was just another fly she was trying to catch in her web so she could suck me dry then cast me off for her next victim. So I bailed ASAP. Dodged a bullet there for sure.

 

They are not bad people... just mentally ill and need professional help and medication. Frankly I could never ever go through it again, nor do I ever want to. So educate yourselves and don't get bamboozled. So all I can say is everyone should read up on the red flags that a person with BPD exhibit. Simply for your own personal benefit.