Standard-Fare Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 I'm a month into my breakup and keep getting the urge to send my ex a a handwritten letter. I'm really relieved I didn't do this in the first couple of weeks after the breakup, but the time feels right now that I've had some time to let my emotions calm down a little. The breakup was more or less mutual. It was sad and difficult for both of us, but things didn't get ugly. Though I'm definitely still feeling the pain, I don't want to revive the relationship and I know he doesn't either. I'm just finding complete no contact really unnatural. And I don't feel ready for a phone conversation or meetup. I'm 100 percent sure my ex wouldn't respond to a letter, he's not a great verbal communicator, but I do believe he'd appreciate the sentiment. And I think it would help establish some friendly future terms for us. My goals with the letter: 1) To genuinely apologize for some sh*tty stuff I did in the relationship that I've reflected upon in the last month (and I think he deserves an apology for). 2) To let him know how much I valued our relationship and still respect him. 3) To lay the groundwork for a possible friendship in the future. (During our breakup talk, we brought up the possibility of being friends and agreed that we both needed some time but thought it was possible later.) I'm just wondering if my approach seems reasonable. I'm also wondering if those here who have been in similar situations (mutual breakups where things didn't get too ugly) think they would have appreciated something along these lines. (P.S. I know there are many gung-ho "Never communicate with an ex" types here, and also many who believe you can never be friends with an ex. I'm already aware of and considering those viewpoints so they don't need to be hammered home here unless you have any further insight.)
Philosoraptor Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 I believe a letter could be good to relieve guilt, but only after you have fully healed. Once you are at a place of peace and indifference you can look at things logically and clearly to assess yourself and your actions of the past. Some things we are sorry about now we later realize was not wrong whatsoever once fully healed. I know when my last relationship ended I felt bad about so much at the start. After finding peace I can look back and see that my actions were not as bad as I thought they were and most were justified and very understandable. While I felt the need to apologize early on; at this point I only have apologized to and forgiven myself. Make a promise to yourself not to make the same mistakes and move on.
Emilia Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 I'm just wondering if my approach seems reasonable. I'm also wondering if those here who have been in similar situations (mutual breakups where things didn't get too ugly) think they would have appreciated something along these lines. (P.S. I know there are many gung-ho "Never communicate with an ex" types here, and also many who believe you can never be friends with an ex. I'm already aware of and considering those viewpoints so they don't need to be hammered home here unless you have any further insight.) Yes I think it's reasonable. I ALWAYS make amends with exes that were genuinely good men and whom I respect (most of my exes really to be fair). Sometimes it takes longer and they don't always react well initially until they are healed but I know every single one of them appreciated the gesture long term. My last significant ex took ages to get through to but when I finally succeeded and he called me I was so happy that I could make him feel understood and appreciated. I knew it mattered to him too and will do so as the past gets more and more distant. I don't know whether we will ever be friends (I sure hope so) but remaining on bad terms would have hurt for a long time.
fucpcg Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 I wrote a letter to my ex after we split, and took a period of 6 weeks to do it. It was a huge letter, mostly apology for things, and I had it finished in about 3 days. The 6 week bit was rereading and rewriting. The first letter looked nothing like the last, and there were many different tones and tempos along the way. In the end I nailed it. Silence solves nothing in a relationship, and even if a relationship is over there should still be friendship. Take your time, and don't mail it immediately when finished. Also don't handwrite it, you wont go back and make the reedits that you should.
lalalandman Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 I've always found it better writing the letter that you won't actually send. You could end up sending that letter and a month later have a change of heart concerning some of your statements. Besides, what if he doesn't respond? Are you ready for that? It's an admirable thought, writting that letter, but I would suggest sitting on it for another month before delivery.
Emilia Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 You could end up sending that letter and a month later have a change of heart concerning some of your statements. Besides, what if he doesn't respond? Are you ready for that? It's about the other person, not you. It's not about getting into a correspondence
geegirl Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Of course NC feels unnatural. It's the opposite of what you had with him. It's an uncomfortable feeling severing that connection you once had. Just because it is unnatural, doesn't mean it's bad for you. It's implemented so that you can heal and get to a stage where your feelings are indifferent. Sending a letter is perfectly fine in my opinion, depending on what the relationship was like. You can send the letter but I would wait until you're healed. A month post break up and you admit to still feeling pain is not the right time for you to be focusing on apologies but more so on your own healing and detaching. What's the difference between feeling it inappropriate to write a letter two weeks post break versus four weeks? Two weeks hardly makes a dent when trying to emerge from a break-up.
flitzanu Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 write it but don't send it. each of my major breakups i've sent extremely intense letters doing the same stuff you're saying, and you know what? they don't care. you're wasting your time if you think your words are going to make a difference. seriously. it's cathartic for you, but in all honesty, they probably won't even read it. even if they read it, they won't reply. and then...you're sitting there wringing your hands WAITING for them to respond to it. and they never will.
M2155 Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 Another vote for write it but don't send it. First, your expectations of what kind of response/lack of response are too high (even if you dont admit it). It's better when you have healed because you really don't care what they say. Second like someone stated, rewrite, revise, retread this letter as the days go by. I did it too and those feelings WILL change. Your faults are magnified right now as you look for understanding but it probably isn't anything where your ex is sitting around mad because you haven't apologized. Also time helps the chance your ex is more open to being receptive of it. When there has been enough time, he might genuinely appreciate your sincerity. I'm not saying he won't now but 1 month is pretty fresh and just like your feelings change as you heal, so will his.
Author Standard-Fare Posted January 11, 2012 Author Posted January 11, 2012 Appreciate the advice here and I do think I'm going to wait a while on sending a letter. I do worry, though, that I could wait TOO long. A lot of you are saying I need to wait til I'm "fully healed." The thing is, it's important for me to reach out to him while we're both still processing things, because my hope is for both of us to leave this relationship with a positive rather than negative feeling. My goal with the letter is to encourage positivity, and possible communication in the future. If I wait until the point when we've both fully moved on with our lives and couldn't care less, my "thoughts about the breakup" are going to seem really irrelevant; plus I worry that months of no contact would make it very hard to establish a friendship later.
Philosoraptor Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 If one does not find peace with everything after a relationship then they have not truly healed within themselves. What you will send after you find healing and peace is a non emotional and mature letter that shows that you have viewed the relationship from a logical and indifferent standpoint. You will not only apologize for things that you actually did wrong (as seen by your analysis) but also forgive whatever damages he aided to in the relationship.
M2155 Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 When you are healed, or at least further along, you will find that over time you tend to reflect and remember more of the good times- the same will happen for him. Briniging up your wrong-doings in a letter is asking him to think about the negative, when he is probably getting over that. When you've healed, you can say you realized you've made some mistakes and learned from it and never wanted to hurt him (or whatever) and leave it at that without emotion or expectation. Definitely give it some time and see how your perspective changes.
Author Standard-Fare Posted January 11, 2012 Author Posted January 11, 2012 I guess the point is that I want to somehow influence his "processing" of our relationship. I don't mean that in a manipulative way. But I want to encourage positive feelings and forgiveness rather than anger, disappointment and resentment. I want him to know that I'm sorry about some of my bullsh*t, rather than having him think I believe I'm "right" about everything. I want him to know that our relationship was a big deal to me and something I believe changed my life for the better, rather than having him think it's all just sliding off my back. And I feel like sometime around now (within the next few weeks) is the right time because after then it will be out of grasp.
M2155 Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 You will do what you feel is best. I'm just sharing that IME, in time we remember the best. If you hold on to resentment, that is your own anger (which can't really be influenced). I'm not suggesting to never apologize, I'm just suggesting to take some time and think about it. You may have treated him horribly but if you did, he played a role in that too and proabably isn't burning with desire to apologize. You see things differently over time. My ex WAS a jerk, did not treat me the best and left me in a terrible way. But strangely enough, I am not even mad about it anymore and when I think about him, it's about the happy times. I have to remind myself what happened sometimes. I guess my point is, don't worry so much about what he thinks or how he remembers things because you really don't know (and I can't claim to know either), chances are his feelings will become more positive over time. Good luck either way
Jono85 Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 (edited) IMO it's still very very early for him to think "well she didn't send it within the first few months, I'll never forgive her again" or something. Usually you have quite a big window here. Unless you think you left things very nasty or something, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I agree with others who are advocating writing it, but not sending it. I can't stress enough how often things change as time passes when you reflect on things in your head and analyze things. For me it was the opposite to what most ppl would assume about the passing of time and how the dumpee would feel. I had a period of a couple months or so, about 8 months after my breakup, where I really thought I should write her something, and wanted to let her know I totally forgave her and I hope everything is well with her (to make sure she knew I wasn't bitter or anything). But after those during/after those 2 months I've realised I'd be disappointed with myself if I sent that as I really shouldn't be the one sending any first contact/initiating. She was the one who wronged me, and didn't even respond to my goodbye/all the best text. I realized I just need to move on, and don't even need a friendship with someone who treated me the way she did during the end of our relationship. My case is most likely totally different from yours, but the point is you change the way you feel about things as time goes on. Don't feel rushed to send the letter, 6 weeks is nothing. edit: not sure if it was 6 weeks, thought i read that somewhere, but quickly scanning your post didn't see that time frame.. Edited January 11, 2012 by Jono85
flitzanu Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 I guess the point is that I want to somehow influence his "processing" of our relationship. I don't mean that in a manipulative way. But I want to encourage positive feelings and forgiveness rather than anger, disappointment and resentment. I want him to know that I'm sorry about some of my bullsh*t, rather than having him think I believe I'm "right" about everything. I want him to know that our relationship was a big deal to me and something I believe changed my life for the better, rather than having him think it's all just sliding off my back. And I feel like sometime around now (within the next few weeks) is the right time because after then it will be out of grasp. if he believes these things to be true, he must have a really low opinion of you to begin with. you're acting like he doesn't KNOW these things already and that you're suddenly going to open his eyes to these "facts" when they were already there. again, you're expecting a reaction that won't happen, i'm sorry.
Author Standard-Fare Posted January 13, 2012 Author Posted January 13, 2012 I do think my ex walked away from our relationship with the wrong impression about some things. Namely, I feel that he didn't realize how much I actually did care for him. I admit that's my fault. I want to make it clear that I did. As far as his reaction, I can't be sure of what would happen. Maybe he'd see that the letter was from me and rip it up without reading it. Maybe he'd absorb it and appreciate it. Maybe read it and think it was bullsh*t. I just don't know. And as I said before, I'm already 100 percent sure he wouldn't respond. There's no part of me that could fool myself into believing he might. The desire to write this is something I still am feeling pretty strongly. In a way I think it's the last grand swell of emotion I'm feeling about this relationship. I can already feel things slipping away, both the love and the pain, and I know numbness is coming. Once I'm numb I won't care about communicating with him in this way.
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