iheartsuki Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Honestly, I have no idea where I should be posting this. I feel like I should possibly be over in the LDR section....?!?!? Recently, I've posted about my bf's new job...it's really demanding, he's gone during the week, home on the weekends (except for right now during training....he's gone for 3 weeks straight), and will most likely be doing many other things on the weekends when he is home.....more work, personal hobbies, work related events, etc. He won't be able to talk during the day and his work "days" will be very long into the night. Generally speaking he will be able to talk for about 10 to 15 mins at night. Well....I just talked to him for the first time today.....for about 15 minutes. We didn't even talk in text all day. That's it, I'm breaking down!!!!! From 8:30 until 11:30, when he finally called, I felt like my anxiety was going to go through the roof. I'm completely not used to this. And to hear him say things like "this is what I've always wanted" makes me panic 500X more. I'm aware that I need to get a lot of this under control. The extreme gut-wrenching anxiety is obviously not the most balanced reaction. But how much of this is a normal reaction?? I honestly feel like I've lost a boyfriend. When I was on the phone with him, I just started sobbing uncontrollably b/c I feel like I've lost him. How much is a healthy amount of time for a couple to spend/exist together and how much is unhealthy? Do most working couples have very little time together anyways? Or would the end result of a work schedule like his actually be a gigantic strain on most relationships? I feel like it's the everydayness that makes you close to a person....being around all their little quirks and habits and knowing all the details of their day and interactions (which you usually talk over at dinner every night) and watching tv shows together and dealing the leaky faucet together.....several days will go by and he won't even know what shirt I wore. If I have a bad day, he's not the first person I can call. All of this really scares me but....is most of it a part of any normal relationship where both people work and have busy schedules? Is this just life and I need to get used to it fast? Or is this extreme and a sign of severe incompatibility? I'm seriously breaking down. I made it through the whole day ok after a couple of REALLY bad days and.......wham. It hit me like a ton of bricks all over again.
Philosoraptor Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 There is no normal. There is only what feels right to you. If you are not happy with things then you need to sit down and explain yourself to him in a non-confontational way. Use "I" statements when talking about your feelings and avoid any "you" statements as they come off as attacks in many cases. Personally I enjoy a lot of time with my partner. Many hours per day and pretty much the entire weekend.
azsinglegal Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Do you have any friends to talk to? It kind of sounds like you've put all your time into him and have none for yourself. You need to find hobbies, activities and things to keep your time busy so you're not just sitting around obsessed about him and what he's doing. Get a life of your own, then your time apart from him won't seem like it's so difficult. Btw, I no longer wonder why he didn't give you his work number - from the sounds of this post you'd be calling him nonstop in panic just because you haven't heard from him.
Author iheartsuki Posted January 10, 2012 Author Posted January 10, 2012 Philosoraptor -- Do you work with your partner? Or do both of you work from home? I'm just trying to gauge what a realistic time for most working couples to spend together is....in hopes that we not as far off the mark as it seems. This seems awful, but maybe most couples with 9-5 jobs, hobbies, friends, outside interests, etc. don't really spend THAT much more time together than we will be spending. azsinglegirl -- No, I don't really have friends up here. I was laid off a few months ago and b/c we've been in transition since then, I have not been able to find a job and get my own life going. And the job that I had, I didn't have for very long. Before that job, I was searching for a very, very long time and eventually took a job that didn't even require my degree just to have something. I was only there for a few months before it closed down and I'm somewhat reserved, so no real lasting friendships came out of that. I had two very close friends right here in the part of the country where I moved to be with my bf, but they have since left for job opportunities elsewhere. I'm aware that I need to focus more on building my own life but can't seem to get unstuck on obsessing w/ what he's doing or might be doing. I know it isn't healthy, but I can't get unstuck. I've even spent the past several days trying to find a therapist who works on a sliding scale and I feel so completely discouraged and alone. They are all way out of budget and most are not very warm or friendly. One even told me I can't afford her before discussing any prices! And, actually, as much as I was panicking last night, I did refrain from contacting him on his personal phone. And just to clarify, he is intending to keep the work number private from ALL of his personal contacts....not just me. I am seriously at a breaking point. I just want him to come home. I want things the way they were.
Philosoraptor Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Neither worked at home or with anyone. When we were both free I've always preferred to spend time with my partner than anyone else. This doesn't mean I still don't take plenty of time for my own interests or friends/family, but I always made sure I put plenty of time aside for my partner. Not everyone feels the same though and there are plenty of people who don't want or need such things.
azsinglegal Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Philosoraptor -- Do you work with your partner? Or do both of you work from home? I'm just trying to gauge what a realistic time for most working couples to spend together is....in hopes that we not as far off the mark as it seems. This seems awful, but maybe most couples with 9-5 jobs, hobbies, friends, outside interests, etc. don't really spend THAT much more time together than we will be spending. azsinglegirl -- No, I don't really have friends up here. I was laid off a few months ago and b/c we've been in transition since then, I have not been able to find a job and get my own life going. And the job that I had, I didn't have for very long. Before that job, I was searching for a very, very long time and eventually took a job that didn't even require my degree just to have something. I was only there for a few months before it closed down and I'm somewhat reserved, so no real lasting friendships came out of that. I had two very close friends right here in the part of the country where I moved to be with my bf, but they have since left for job opportunities elsewhere. I'm aware that I need to focus more on building my own life but can't seem to get unstuck on obsessing w/ what he's doing or might be doing. I know it isn't healthy, but I can't get unstuck. I've even spent the past several days trying to find a therapist who works on a sliding scale and I feel so completely discouraged and alone. They are all way out of budget and most are not very warm or friendly. One even told me I can't afford her before discussing any prices! And, actually, as much as I was panicking last night, I did refrain from contacting him on his personal phone. And just to clarify, he is intending to keep the work number private from ALL of his personal contacts....not just me. I am seriously at a breaking point. I just want him to come home. I want things the way they were. You need to do something to keep yourself occupied. Whether that's working out, reading, or some kind of hobby. You are making yourself mad with obsession. Let me break it to you gently - things aren't and never will be the way they were. Just accept that fact and then move on the best you can. Find yourself in all of this. Who are you? Where are you? What do you want to do with your life? Just worship him and wonder what he's doing 24/7? You don't need a therapist. You need a distraction and a life of your own. You're not at a breaking point. You're in a good place if you just change your focus onto yourself instead of him. Look at it this way...would he want to be with you knowing you're acting all crazy and insecure while he's gone? Or would he want to be with you knowing you're a strong, independent woman who can stand on her own two feet who WANTS him in her life but doesn't NEED him? I didn't give my work number to ANY of my personal friends either. Nothing wrong with that.
yeahyeahyeah Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 Obviously, you're a person that likes to spend a lot of time with the other persona and stay in contact a lot. Now, it is healthy to have your own interests and hobbies and still stay in touch with friends. However, it is also healthy to want to spend a lot of time with the one you are dating. Of course, some people are fine with less time together. You are not one of those people -- even if you got more hobbies, developed other interests (which is a good thing to do), I don't know if that would make you feel completely better. You have certain wants and needs. Are they unrealistic? I don't know for sure because I don't know all the facts, but it doesn't sound too crazy. To share my personal experience, I'm in law school, have a part time job, and have an internship. I also teach sunday school on the weekends, see my family at least once a week, and hang out with friends. Nonetheless, I see my girlfriend almost everyday for several hours and we message back and forth during the day. I say that to say, don't beat yourself up so much because you aren't weird or crazy. It's just who you are and that's ok. Part of dating is to discover someone you are compatible with. I think you may have discovered an incompadibility. Now, you get to decide if you can adapt/be okay with it or not.
creighton0123 Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 While it is healthy to experience a certain level of separation anxiety, you seriously need to get it under check. Why are you anxious? What's the worst thing that can possibly happen if you go a whole work-day without communicating? I can highlight my own relationship with my partner, since he and I don't live together: Text communication is almost non-existent. I despise txt messages as a means of communication. Phone communication: twice a day, typically for no more than a minute or two. In person communication: It varies. 2-3 nights per week + Friday morning breakfast. We went 13 months with him abroad, where we made it through 10 minutes in the morning and 45 minutes to an hour in the evening over Skype. Work thought this. You can. Do not allow your emotional stability to be based in the presence or amount of communication with someone else. Stand on your own. Then you can stand beside him.
denise_xo Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 (edited) While it is healthy to experience a certain level of separation anxiety, you seriously need to get it under check. Why are you anxious? What's the worst thing that can possibly happen if you go a whole work-day without communicating? I can highlight my own relationship with my partner, since he and I don't live together: Text communication is almost non-existent. I despise txt messages as a means of communication. Phone communication: twice a day, typically for no more than a minute or two. In person communication: It varies. 2-3 nights per week + Friday morning breakfast. We went 13 months with him abroad, where we made it through 10 minutes in the morning and 45 minutes to an hour in the evening over Skype. Work thought this. You can. Do not allow your emotional stability to be based in the presence or amount of communication with someone else. Stand on your own. Then you can stand beside him. I second all of this. OP, I don't know if your bf is a 'good guy' or not and I think it's generally reasonable to expect to spend a certain amount of time together in a relationship. But having read through quite of few of your threads on this relationship, I think your pattern of reaction sounds over the top anxious, obsessive, panic stricken and unconstructive. I agree with those who have said that the first call here is to find ways of working on yourself. At the end of the day, YOU are responsible for having put yourself in this situation (new city where you don't want to live, etc.). You need to regain some power over the decisions that you make (because you do make them) and the ways in which you react to events in your life. Good luck moving forward. Edited January 12, 2012 by denise_xo
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