Cee Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 My boyfriend nudges me more because I'm open to his suggestions. He has made gentle comments and I pick and choose what to accept. When he suggests I exercise more, I am fine with that. I want to exercise more. When he comments that I use too much Sriracha, I ignore him because I love that spicy condiment. And he deals with it. Today, I made a comment that if he used a towel before he got out of the shower, the bath mat wouldn't be sopping wet. He looked at me and said he does it the way he likes it. I respected that. But I nudge him to clean more, he says I'm right and he will try harder. I guess in my relationship, we are free to speak up. But also have the right to ignore the other. So far we haven't had any big disagreements. We still haven't had our first fight after being together a year. I guess we are easygoing. I imagine we'll fight eventually, but not yet.
eerie_reverie Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 I am option 3: Date based on potential whilst harboring secret resentment for his inability to achieve it. My bf is #2. Accepting, but clearly communicating of deal breakers.
Author tigressA Posted January 11, 2012 Author Posted January 11, 2012 Interesting. I would say, in that case, it depends on what he's saying, really. It sounds like at least some of it is projecting: he wants to eat better himself but isn't. My eating habits took a big hit when I met my SO, but I stepped back, talked about it with him, and basically said I wasn't eating junk anymore, so if he wanted to, he'd have to buy it or prepare it, and we'd have to eat separate meals. I wasn't trying to change him, but it is difficult to eat well with a partner who eats terribly. So, I see that as something worth discussing, personally. My hubby (BF at the time) was actually empowered to eat better by my choices, though we both still have junk from time to time. Just not like we were. I think the problem becomes when "criticism" enters the field. How a couple handles communication, without anyone feeling over-criticized, is really more about how they communicate and empathize with each other than whether or not they want to "change" each other. Differences don't tend to magically go away, so it's not about changing the person, but learning to communicate more effectively and also let some things be. At the same time, changing someone from criticizing you is changing them too, isn't it!?!? It's a Catch-22. I don't see it as worth discussing because I don't eat 'terribly'. There's some kind of 'junk food' purchase at the grocery store maybe twice in a month. We go out to eat/get takeout at about that same frequency, unless we're out of town for a weekend. He just doesn't like that I don't like salad or most whole fruit, or raw vegetables (I eat plenty of them cooked, and I love real fruit juice, and smoothies--it's just the texture and taste combined of whole fruit that I don't like). It gets even more annoying because I have told him I don't like eating the things he wants me to try and yet he still gets on me about it more often than I would like. The Catch-22 is something BF noticed. I did too. When he said he's trying to change/stop his criticizing, I asked him if he was doing it for me and if so, I didn't want him to do it for that reason. He said, "No, I'm doing it for us." Seems like a typical Indian perspective, so I agree with his cultural assessment in terms of where that comes from. Frankly, even being half-Japanese, I was so ingrained in achievement culture that I couldn't really understand being happy with being a clerical wage worker forever; maybe as a stepping stone, but that being it? Sounds weird to me on a fundamental level, which is not to criticize you, as I totally think people should do what makes them happy, but I could never do that or even imagine it. I'm not even sure I can properly empathize with that perspective since I can't imagine it. Achievement culture doesn't go away, IME. ETA: Is he wrong to say it? Sure, maybe. The problem is likely the problem many people have: They love their partner, but they worry that the compatibility isn't there. I'd say you even have that problem yourself. Some people criticize or hope for change, others cut their losses, and I suppose some might accept it, but. . . not really. You're not REALLY accepting all of his behaviors either. You just differentiate differently (and I tend to agree with you that it is different) between behaviors that impact the partner and behaviors that don't, and you have different ideas of what those behaviors and traits are. I have been a firsthand witness to the achievement culture plenty of times. I have noticed that when someone is urging me to do something, I tend to say I'll get to it in my own sweet time, if I want to. I am stubborn in that way. I did this with my last ex, again in relation to ambition/career: I used to really love to write, poems and short stories and convoluted diary entries. I had stopped while in college, but started writing blog posts on Facebook mostly inspired by the total angst-ridden drama-coaster that was my relationship with the ex. He noticed the blogs and said I should be writing every day, that I'm talented, I should go back to school and further develop, etc--and I just said "Thanks, but no." As soon as he started pushing me, I dug my heels in.
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