Lilmisus Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Have you ever been in a relationship where you wished your SO would just stop talking/being friends with someone you don't like at all? Especially if that person is of the opposite sex that you feel somewhat jealous of their friendship? That's the spot I'm in right now. My boyfriend is a very friendly guy, and I love that about him. He can talk to just about anybody and is able to put a smile on most people's (especially mine) faces, without trying hard. Most of his friends are girls, and I'm mostly okay with that fact. I'm very okay with him having some of his closest friend's be girls, even one that is an ex girlfriend of his. I figure that if he wanted to be with those girls, he would have been with them before he met me...but he's not...he's just friends with them, and they make him happy, so it's okay by me. But the ONE girl that I have an issue with...it feels like he just doesn't care about my feelings on their friendship and would rather see me get upset than end it. At least...that's how it feels sometimes, like right now. This girl is a coworker of ours. I tried being friendly when we first started working together, but I just never liked her. Too much of an anger problem and is more than willing to say what's on her mind about you behind your back while you're right there. Throw on the fact that she's a former stripper and at least had drug issues in the past and you have yourself one girl that I can not stand. But...my boyfriend is friends with her. Before we started dating, he would flirt with her. Not just at work, but they would text one another regularly, and from what I gather, she didn't have an issue putting her hand on his back or her head on his shoulder (even after we became a couple). He went after her, but she wasn't interested apparently. I still don't know really what their relationship was like before we started at it since he's changed what he's said so many times...all I know is that she invited him out a few times to go drinking or whatever with her and her friends, and one time he went and chatted for a while, then bounced. He told me that once he realized who she REALLY is, that he lost interest in going after her. He also said that she's the one that wasn't interested in him...yet when I see her around him, she's always looking at him and is typically the one to initiate conversations, even if he tries ignoring her. She knows I don't like her, and why, yet she does it regardless...whether it's because she likes him, or dislikes me that much, I really don't know. That was months ago now. Him and I have been together for four months, and they stopped "talking" before that. Yet...it still bothers me that they have a friendship. Like I said, I've told him before that it bothers me, at least a dozen times, yet it seems like he doesn't care. He's said a lot of things like "I'd rather not be friends with her then see you upset...you're worth it" yet a few days later...I'll see them joking around again. Basically making me feel like their friendship is more important to him than our relationship. I know it's not the truth...but it feels like that sometimes. I also know he wouldn't date her...but it's the fact that he knows what will upset me and why, yet he'll do it anyway. Please someone, talk sense into me. This has caused too many problems in our otherwise wonderful relationship, and I hate it. I need reassurance that I'm overreacting and steps to make this issue a non-issue. I really, really want this to just be over with once and for all.
TheFinalWord Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 If you have only been together four months that's not really long enough IMHO to be able to assert rights over who he can be friends with. Four months isn't long and he may think if things don't work with you, why burn his bridges with this girl? Sure he's going to tell you he isn't interested in her; he's with you now. You can't control what other people do. If you're already having trust issues it isn't going to get any better whether it's with this girl or some other girl that he talks to. Yeah, I know it can be annoying; but that's his personality type and you knew that about him when you said "yes" to a relationship with him. He is an open guy and has lots of female friends. If this is his personality type you won't be able to change him; accept him for what he is or leave him. One thing that won't work is a "love test", i.e. if you really love me you'll stop talking to her. On a side note, this is the problem with relationships in the workplace. Easy to fall into, but a giant mess when things go bad!
betterdeal Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 He's said a lot of things like "I'd rather not be friends with her then see you upset...you're worth it" yet a few days later...I'll see them joking around again. Of course you're worth it. The question is, is he? If he craves female company so much that he cannot put a dampener on that friendship, is he equipped to have a relationship with you? I assume him being civil with her is fine with you? If not, then I'd ask myself what do you expect of him.
Author Lilmisus Posted January 10, 2012 Author Posted January 10, 2012 This thread is now irrelevant. We just broke up (over a non similar issue), thank you though for your advice. Now it looks like I should be seeking different advice..
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 What happened? It's better to get it out and perhaps get some advice on here. From your other threads, I never liked the sound of this guy.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Can't really talk any sense into your position. You are contradicting yourself: If indeed you "know" he wouldn't date her, then clearly you have zero to worry about, unless the two of them are drug-runners or the like. By your own admission they are "coworkers" among all else, and as such there are many avenues of downright necessity to remain civil without bringing (your) personal drama to the workplace. Tell us about the timing of his supposedly having "lost interest in going after her" and the beginning of your relationship with him??? You have all of the power to cause this to be "over with once and for all". Given what you've shared, you yourself need only 'DROP IT', instead of stirring it up at every opportunity.
Author Lilmisus Posted January 10, 2012 Author Posted January 10, 2012 What happened? It's better to get it out and perhaps get some advice on here. From your other threads, I never liked the sound of this guy. He's not as ready as he thought he was for a relationship. He's felt this way for a little while since the holidays but hoped it would blow over and sought advice from friends/family who told him to give it time. He's in a really bad spot right now with finances, school, work, and his son and he said that he doesn't have time for a relationship but doesn't want to hurt me. He didn't even want to end it, but I told him that I don't want to be with someone if they're only half sure they want to be with me...and he said he couldn't give it to me right now, but that he loves me and would do anything to make me happy. All in all...I'm very hurt, but I saw this coming, I just hoped it wouldn't happen and that we could work through it...but like I told him...he needs to put himself first right now. This just reminds me wayyyyy too much of how things occurred with my ex. But don't get me wrong. This guys is amazing in many ways, and I do love him very much....
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 I'm sorry that you are feeling hurt right now, but I am sure it is for the best. He sure never sounded "ready" and from your descriptions, he sounds very immature. Take care of yourself.
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