takealookatyourlife Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Hey all, was curious what you make of this. My Ex and I broke up about eight months ago. It was a bad breakup, really bad and other than a couple random texts we have been NC. She did send me a long FB note a while back, but nothing special. A couple weeks ago I randomly called and asked if she'd like to catch up over the weekend while I was in town for the holidays. She said yes. We played phone tag a couple times but never managed to make it happen. The following week, she called to apologize for not being able to meet and explained her reasoning why. Well, she also called to express all the guilt she had felt for some of the things that happened while we were together. By the end of the phone conversation we were both talking about deeper things as well as joking around. I asked how she felt about trying to kick it again and she sounded eager. I invited her down and she accepted. I told her I had to go after a few more minutes of good conversation. I called her and text her (not obsessively at all) but I haven't heard back from her since. Was she just checking in to see if I still cared? If she still had a safety net? Seems weird to say you want to do something (we even semi-planned on going to a particular event) but then not respond or anything. Anyway, appreciate any thoughts.
Philosoraptor Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Looks like she just wanted to know she could have you if she wanted you. But if you were her first choice she would be with you already and making those intentions obvious.
wilsonx Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Looks like she just wanted to know she could have you if she wanted you. But if you were her first choice she would be with you already and making those intentions obvious. stop with the hate... It has nothing to do with that. Dont let this bother you, takealookatyourlife. If she relieved her guilt about things in the past that bothered her, its a good sign. Let her keep doing her thing, you keep doing your thing, she will contact you when shes ready.
Author takealookatyourlife Posted January 10, 2012 Author Posted January 10, 2012 Looks like she just wanted to know she could have you if she wanted you. But if you were her first choice she would be with you already and making those intentions obvious. Well that is just rude, haha. Thanks for the response. Her loss, I am pretty awesome.
Author takealookatyourlife Posted January 10, 2012 Author Posted January 10, 2012 stop with the hate... It has nothing to do with that. Dont let this bother you, takealookatyourlife. If she relieved her guilt about things in the past that bothered her, its a good sign. Let her keep doing her thing, you keep doing your thing, she will contact you when shes ready. Thanks wilson, I actually just logged on here and wound up reading your long *** thread about your situation. I felt there were some similarities. She was so sincere in her apologies and expressing her guilt that it felt like it wasn't going to just be a "checking in on a safety net" scenario or her relieving her guilt so she could move on (she did that earlier, to a much lesser extent, in the message I mentioned in the original post)... oh well though.
wilsonx Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 from now on, when someone does something to you, dont put a reason behind it, just accept it =) Tell yourself, she did it, we both are in good places and thats it. That way you dont hold on to any resentment so if she does contact you in the future, it will be with a clear mind
Philosoraptor Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 stop with the hate... I bring no hate. Just logical analysis while giving advice based on how to heal themselves the best. It has nothing to do with that. Dont let this bother you, takealookatyourlife. If she relieved her guilt about things in the past that bothered her, its a good sign. Let her keep doing her thing, you keep doing your thing, she will contact you when shes ready. Yes, let's continue to wait on someone who has made us an option. I don't say people never come back, but waiting and hoping is not healthy when one could actually be progressing. Instilling false hope in those who need to heal is about as useful as giving an aspirin to a hemophiliac who is bleeding out.
thepedestrian Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 " she will contact you when shes ready." She might never be interested in a relationship. Move on and heal. Progress in your life and don't wait around for her. Edit: Philosoraptor is right in his advice.
sugarmomma Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 I only ignore people I'm not particularly interested in. I think it was rude that she didn't have the decency to respond. She broke up with you, right? She sounds like the dumper.
leoc1973 Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Well elaborate a little bit who broke up with whom? How long were you guys together? Why did you break up? How old are you guys?
wilsonx Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 (edited) I bring no hate. Just logical analysis while giving advice based on how to heal themselves the best. Yes, let's continue to wait on someone who has made us an option. I don't say people never come back, but waiting and hoping is not healthy when one could actually be progressing. Instilling false hope in those who need to heal is about as useful as giving an aspirin to a hemophiliac who is bleeding out. Logical analysis on how to heal themselves the best? There is no one size fit option for all relationships. Some people NC, some people NIC, some people relationship jump, some people stay single for years. Your way is only best for you. FYI he's 8 months out of a breakup NIC is perfectly ok for him Also where did I say wait? Edited January 10, 2012 by wilsonx
Sugarkane Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 I had an ex do something similar a long time ago. Actions speak louder than words. You could be waiting forever for this person. No one is that special.
Author takealookatyourlife Posted January 10, 2012 Author Posted January 10, 2012 waiting and hoping is not healthy when one could actually be progressing. Progress in your life and don't wait around for her. I think it was rude that she didn't have the decency to respond. Actions speak louder than words. Seems to be the consensus and also pretty much where I am at. I am sure I came off as still being available to her as a safety net/fall back, but it was only because I was genuinely interested in seeing how she was doing and what she was up to. And as much as I care(d) for her, I am done. There is a song by a band called The Horrible Crowes called "Go Tell Everybody" in which Brian Fallon, the lead singer, says, "I was a man of great sympathy when I loved you baby. ...But tonight, all my sympathy is gone." That is exactly how I feel (not in a vengeful way). --- She broke up with you, right? She sounds like the dumper. Well elaborate a little bit who broke up with whom? How long were you guys together? Why did you break up? How old are you guys? I don't want to go too in depth, as it would take forever. But let's suffice it to say that this was a very toxic and unhealthy relationship. You can think as dark as you want and you might start scratching the tip of how unhealthy this was. Which would immediately lead you to wonder why I even care in the first place. Well, I can't explain that in a paragraph. But let's just say, her phone call and revealing her months of guilt as well as her update on... ...where she is at in life with particular issues... seemed to me to be something more meaningful than a simple, "I want to make sure you're still their for me, safety net." But again, it very well could've been and most likely was, exactly that. I hope that wasn't too broad... ...Oh and yes, she broke up with me (if you are still curious, the song "Savior" by Rise Against, particularly the chorus, might give you more insight). We were together a little less than a year and we are in our mid to late twenties. Still confusing a bit to me why she seemed genuinely excited to visit. After that, I am not gonna lie, so was I, as we are both in exponentially better spots in our own lives. But, can't reread it enough, actions speak louder than words. --- Logical analysis on how to heal themselves the best? Some people NC, some people NIC... I'm familiar with NC, but what is NIC? --- Thanks for all the responses.
sugarmomma Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 Ok she dumped you. So if she isn't making a genuine effort to communicate with you in a more adult way you can get ready for more of the same. If the r was toxic I can say that the chance of you two being emotionally mature NOW is slim. If you two decide to try again you have to address all the issues that broke you up. Why did she break up with you??
Author takealookatyourlife Posted January 11, 2012 Author Posted January 11, 2012 Ok she dumped you. So if she isn't making a genuine effort to communicate with you in a more adult way you can get ready for more of the same. Yup, I agree. Thank you.
wilsonx Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 NIC = Not initiate contact, but you can respond if they do initiate contact Theres nothing wrong with it, and at 8 months out, if they come back, its not for a safety net, its because they ****ed up and they will tell you that
Philosoraptor Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 Theres nothing wrong with it, and at 8 months out, if they come back, its not for a safety net, its because they ****ed up and they will tell you that This is very subjective. There are a ton of reasons why at any point a person could just be attempting to use someone as a safety net. They could have just ended a relationship, got turned down by someone they were interested in and need a self esteem boost, had some other sort of emotional trauma and ran back to what was safe before but wasn't the person they wanted. I am not against getting back with an ex as your heart feels what it feels. But if someone comes back you need to ask the right questions. What changes have you made internally that will allow the relationship to prosper? What brought about these changes? When did these changes begin? How do you think we can best deal with the issues that caused our breakup(s) in the past? This is your heart people... don't just hand it back to someone whom is likely to hurt you again. If they can't explain what changes they have made and give a "I know it can work out" line... they haven't matured. If they can't explain the internal converastion they had about the changes they likely haven't matured. If this happened a short time ago they may have rushed things and still are not ready. If they have not analyzed their past issues (you of course need to do the same as it is a two way street) then they have not matured enough to begin again.
Kamila Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 Some people would take a lifetime to make up their minds. Some people know at the age of 18 they want to marry a certain person, become a doctor/dentist/whatever, have kids, settle down, etc.. It's all about character. You go for it or you analyze every little detail and are afraid something is not going to work out. You have doers and thinkers. Action versus inaction. What is more important in the end ? Yes, action. (Okay not all action is good, you can't have sex without protection and discover after a few weeks that you're pregnant. Oops, there goes the action...) So we have a mix of both for each person. But surely, something is more dominant and at the end of the day, that is what matters for important life decisions. Are you gonna go for it and take the risk orrr are you just going to sit back and wait ? I'm more of a thinker, but with my ex-bf I didn't think, I felt I was ready to take the plunge. But he retracted that hard that I thought I was forcing him into doing something he would not like in the end. Meh, he even cried like a baby. So if your girl doesn't know what she wants, what can you do ? Force her or let her be ? You could throw her some hints, but that's all you can do. She has to make up her own mind. There's a saying: " You can take a horse to a water source, but you can't make it drink the water. "
Recommended Posts