kareena Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 ok,quick background, after MM made it clear that he was gunna ditch me throughout the holiday season, i was sad and confused and I was crying all the time and feeling sorry for myself until one night I was washing my face in the bathroom I had some sort of an epiphany one might say,i just kinda looked at myself in the mirror and thought why the hell am I doing this to myself??!I just looked at myself and saw this pathetic needy person moping over MM and I did not like that..so in a way I pretty much realized that MM was never mine and he never will be,it was time to let go and we hadn't been talking so it was pretty clear what he wanted,I wrote him a very long email telling him how much I loved him but had to move on with my life.I didn't get a reply,which did irritate me and I felt the urge to contact him but I didn't. fast forwards a week or so,my friend had been trying to get me to meet this guy for quite a while now but I was against the idea because of MM so I gave her a call and told her that I agreed to this blind date thing if he's still up for it and luckily he was. we went out and I had such a good time he was just such a nice guy! no drama no baggage..nothing!! of course I could never have the same feelings I had for MM for this guy because I do consider MM to be my true love and he will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart but this could actually turn out into something good. we went out a few times and I really do like him and I can sense that the feeling is mutual,not to mention that it really took my mind off of MM! so now the question is,if we do continue this and end up having a relationship do I tell him about MM or not?? I feel like it is significant enough to be told but at the same time I don't want him to get the wrong impression..any thoughts?
norajane Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 so now the question is,if we do continue this and end up having a relationship do I tell him about MM or not?? I feel like it is significant enough to be told but at the same time I don't want him to get the wrong impression..any thoughts? What is the "wrong" impression? What impression do you want him to have?
xpaperxcutx Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 The only " wrong" impression you'll give him is that you have baggage. You're in the honeymoon phase of dating. Avoid the need to bring up the past and move forward. That's like spilling beans about an ex and expecting some kind of sympathy because you've wronged.
LadyGrey Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 Congrats kareena for having that epiphany and getting off the pity party mode. I'm sorry to be just a bit of debbie downer but I just want the best for you and you sound so young and I don't want you to let mm rob you of future happiness and healthy relationships. So, there are still a few things that concern me, see bolded. ok,quick background, after MM made it clear that he was gunna ditch me throughout the holiday season, i was sad and confused and I was crying all the time and feeling sorry for myself until one night I was washing my face in the bathroom I had some sort of an epiphany one might say,i just kinda looked at myself in the mirror and thought why the hell am I doing this to myself??!I just looked at myself and saw this pathetic needy person moping over MM and I did not like that..so in a way I pretty much realized that MM was never mine and he never will be,it was time to let go and we hadn't been talking so it was pretty clear what he wanted,I wrote him a very long email telling him how much I loved him but had to move on with my life.I didn't get a reply,which did irritate me and I felt the urge to contact him but I didn't. fast forwards a week or so,my friend had been trying to get me to meet this guy for quite a while now but I was against the idea because of MM so I gave her a call and told her that I agreed to this blind date thing if he's still up for it and luckily he was. we went out and I had such a good time he was just such a nice guy! no drama no baggage..nothing!! of course I could never have the same feelings I had for MM for this guy because I do consider MM to be my true love and he will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart but this could actually turn out into something good. Why do you feel like you need to keep mm in a special place in your heart? He doesn't deserve it, now does he? He treated you very badly and hurt you and you were at HIS convenience, so keeping him in your heart won't allow someone else all the way in. we went out a few times and I really do like him and I can sense that the feeling is mutual,not to mention that it really took my mind off of MM! so now the question is,if we do continue this and end up having a relationship do I tell him about MM or not?? I feel like it is significant enough to be told but at the same time I don't want him to get the wrong impression..any thoughts? I think if the relationship does get serious you owe him honesty and openness about prior relationships but yet I would wait until the time is right.
LilMissMovinOn Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 (edited) Congrats kareena for having that epiphany and getting off the pity party mode. I'm sorry to be just a bit of debbie downer but I just want the best for you and you sound so young and I don't want you to let mm rob you of future happiness and healthy relationships. So, there are still a few things that concern me, see bolded. I think if the relationship does get serious you owe him honesty and openness about prior relationships but yet I would wait until the time is right. LadyGrey is bang on Kareena. (Go LadyGrey! U r very wise ) MM has no integrity & is a cheater. He cheated on his W WITH you, so even if he eventually left her for you one day, he is highly likely to do exactly the same thing, TO you. Based on MM's behaviour described, he also does NOT reciprocate the 'love' you feel for him. He used you. If you haven't already, consider therapy to get clear with yourself about your response to this fact (harsh I know - I don't mean to sound hurtful). Your current response which is that MM is your 'true love' suggests you have a psychological work to do in coming to terms with what you have experienced. Holding MM in your heart gives him the power to destroy any future shot you have at REAL happiness (as opposed to the mere illusion of this exp'd by most ppl in A's) with someone who is GENUINELY emotionally & physically available to you (which MM is not; hence, he will only ever cause you pain & heartbreak). It may turn out that new guy is the REAL one for you. Hence LadyGrey is right. If it's not too late, I'd suggest holding bk on physical intimacy with new guy & when the time is right explaining why ie you are still in process of detatching emotionally frm MM. New guy has a right to know this & will respect yr honesty & the fact that you have treated him with respect by being upfront with him. He will also know tht MM is highly unlikely to ever be able to give you what you want/need, is likely to still consider himself as a contender for yr heart, when you are ready. You may then come to a time when you are ready to take things to next level (ie physical intimacy). w new guy down the track in an open & transparent way. If he's really into you he WILL stick around. Good luck! Edited January 10, 2012 by LilMissMovinOn
Author kareena Posted January 10, 2012 Author Posted January 10, 2012 What is the "wrong" impression? What impression do you want him to have? Its not that there is any specific impression that I want him to have,its just that I'm very ashamed of the A..I guess what I was trying to say is that I don't want this A to define who I am as a person.
Author kareena Posted January 10, 2012 Author Posted January 10, 2012 Thank you guys for the wonderful replies,a lot of useful insights
MissBee Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Good for you on your epiphany! Those are great I also have a feeling that at some point in the future you will move on from thinking MM is your "true love" and see that situation very differently. For now you may not be able to...but in the future, it may very well happen. As frankly, he doesn't love you from what he has shown and if you check out Lady Grey's thread, you'll see how sometimes as we grow and look back we realize what we thought was love was really not. I think a good relationship involves transparency. You have gone on one date...there's no reason to tell him everything right now. Once you get to know each other more and the opportunity comes up, you can tell him. To be honest...that has NEVER been an issue for me. I have never felt like I had tog hide that from someone...granted my AP wasn't married so maybe it doesn't seem so scandalous...but I do think if someone cares for you and realizes it was your past and you have learned they won't hold it against you. If they do....then they simply aren't for you. There is no use hiding a major aspect of your life, as well as growth from someone you're trying to be serious with...as if it ever comes out...then it will look worse. But again, cross that bridge when you get there. Also be sure that you're done with MM before leading this man on....i.e. if MM should start contacting you and making promises, will you run off and leave this guy hanging?
Author kareena Posted January 12, 2012 Author Posted January 12, 2012 Good for you on your epiphany! Those are great I also have a feeling that at some point in the future you will move on from thinking MM is your "true love" and see that situation very differently. For now you may not be able to...but in the future, it may very well happen. As frankly, he doesn't love you from what he has shown and if you check out Lady Grey's thread, you'll see how sometimes as we grow and look back we realize what we thought was love was really not. I think a good relationship involves transparency. You have gone on one date...there's no reason to tell him everything right now. Once you get to know each other more and the opportunity comes up, you can tell him. To be honest...that has NEVER been an issue for me. I have never felt like I had tog hide that from someone...granted my AP wasn't married so maybe it doesn't seem so scandalous...but I do think if someone cares for you and realizes it was your past and you have learned they won't hold it against you. If they do....then they simply aren't for you. There is no use hiding a major aspect of your life, as well as growth from someone you're trying to be serious with...as if it ever comes out...then it will look worse. But again, cross that bridge when you get there. Also be sure that you're done with MM before leading this man on....i.e. if MM should start contacting you and making promises, will you run off and leave this guy hanging? Thank U missbee!! well yeah of course I didn't mean that I would tell new guy everything now,only if it gets serious because I do see great potential what U said really made a lot of sense! I'll keep u guys posted,thnx again!
norajane Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Its not that there is any specific impression that I want him to have,its just that I'm very ashamed of the A..I guess what I was trying to say is that I don't want this A to define who I am as a person. That will become easier as you gain more and more distance from the A, and it recedes further into your history. Right now, while you still think of MM as your "true love", the A is still defining you...because the relationship still means something important to you. Eventually, though, you will look back on the A as a learning and growing experience and that's it. When MM holds little importance for you anymore, you'll see that you have grown way beyond him and what little he offered you. As a person, you will be more and expect more. It's a process, and it takes time, but you'll get there. In the meantime, you don't have to spill all your secrets to everyone you date. You'll know when you're with the right guy and the right time to tell him of your journey.
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Thank U missbee!! well yeah of course I didn't mean that I would tell new guy everything now,only if it gets serious because I do see great potential what U said really made a lot of sense! I'll keep u guys posted,thnx again! If you're spending more time with him, maybe just mention that not too long ago you got out of an unhealthy relationship but there's no chance of you two ever getting back together so he has nothing to worry about it. This way at least he knows where your heart and head is at. Last thing you want is this guy to fall for you and as much as you 'like' this guy, in all honesty he doesn't fully stand a chance with you because things did end with exMM totally less than a month ago.
Barrsitter Posted January 13, 2012 Posted January 13, 2012 (edited) I agree with Just a Poster. There is no need to tell everything about yourself to anyone. Who gives a rat's ass who you've gone out with? Do you really want your new friend to feel like he's number 15 instead of number 1? Be present now and forget yesterday. And for heaven's sake, DON'T tell him you about your A with MM!!!!!! You'll look foolish. Hell! We all look foolish doing that!!!! Edited January 13, 2012 by Barrsitter
Author kareena Posted January 14, 2012 Author Posted January 14, 2012 I agree with Just a Poster. There is no need to tell everything about yourself to anyone. Who gives a rat's ass who you've gone out with? Do you really want your new friend to feel like he's number 15 instead of number 1? Be present now and forget yesterday. And for heaven's sake, DON'T tell him you about your A with MM!!!!!! You'll look foolish. Hell! We all look foolish doing that!!!! thnx barrsitter! yeah I'm not going to say anything and just leave it at that,if in the future this turns into a serious relationship then I can assess the situation and decide what to say exactly (this is the conclusion I reached after reading everyone's feedback)...I really don't like keeping secrets though it makes me nervous!
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