westrock Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 But I have trouble trusting that it's actually me they want and not just the persona of me when they move that quick. What's the difference between you and the persona of you? I would think you are the persona of you. It's almost like you're saying that the persona you are presenting is not the real you and you're afraid that when the guy finds out the real you they will be disapointed. If that's the case, then your issue may be more with your own confidence in who you are. Ok, so I'm cute-ish, I'm fun and we have some stuff in common. Is that really all it takes for a guy to decide who is girlfriend material?? Because my criteria for boyfriend material is much more extensive than that... Do a google search on "the husband store" which may illustrate the different selection styles between you and the guys are you are meeting.
Dusk1983 Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 It comes off as underconfidence to me. And if he isn't confident he would win my affections, why should I be? Like most guys that have had some success with women, I grasped this principle a long time ago. When we meet anyone in life for the first time, we can't possibly know everything about them, so we take their apparent opinion of themselves as an additional, very important guide to how we should view and treat them. That's just human nature. Thing is, most men aren't so succesful with women that they are genuinely juggling a number of women. Those that are, are, almost by definition, player types that you probably wouldn't want anyway. So, for the rest of us more average guys, we have to incorporate some form of game playing into our routine. Women usually say the thing they hate most is games, and maybe that's true in terms of the intention behind the games, but it is certainly not true in terms of their outcome - i.e. you get the impression of having met a "high value" man, which is really all you want.
Imajerk17 Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 (edited) I agree w the OP that extreme clinginess is a turnoff. I've ended it w girls who have come on really strong. In fact, I actually like a girl to show a bit of a boundary. This is what is interesting to me though, OP. You have gone for superneedy guys, and even got hung up on at least one. I am going to guess that you feel connection/chemistry with someone who has a very strong personality that fits w yours, correct? Edited January 10, 2012 by Imajerk17
Ruby Slippers Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Like most guys that have had some success with women, I grasped this principle a long time ago. When we meet anyone in life for the first time, we can't possibly know everything about them, so we take their apparent opinion of themselves as an additional, very important guide to how we should view and treat them. That's just human nature. Thing is, most men aren't so succesful with women that they are genuinely juggling a number of women. Those that are, are, almost by definition, player types that you probably wouldn't want anyway. So, for the rest of us more average guys, we have to incorporate some form of game playing into our routine. Women usually say the thing they hate most is games, and maybe that's true in terms of the intention behind the games, but it is certainly not true in terms of their outcome - i.e. you get the impression of having met a "high value" man, which is really all you want. Good post! The last guy I dated alternated between somewhat clingy affection (which I enjoy, as long as it doesn't get out of control), and some healthy detachment. He hinted at the fact that he recognized his tendency to be a little clingy and close, and consciously tempered it. I think I was more receptive to his teddy bear affection than most women, and he had fun with that. But I appreciated that he wasn't smothering me with it and making it lose all its luster. Another thing I really appreciated about him is that he was so comfortable with himself. He accepted himself, flaws and all, and accentuated the positive. He totally put me at ease, and taught me a lot about accepting yourself as you are, just relaxing and letting things be.
Dust Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Actually, online dating has become a LOT more main stream than let's say back in the 90's where people thought online dating was a realm for the seriously desperate. NOW, with the commercials for Match.com and Eharmony and other dating sites being advertised on TV. Well, it's become more acceptable And approaching women in public the old-fashioned way, is pretty much off putting to a woman out running errands or trying to enjoy some "alone" time ina coffee shop without some "annoying " guy trying to strike up a conversation. There is this attitude of "(sheesh, can I not go out to the grocery story, withOUT being hit on? I'll just smile and nod, and say as LESS as possible to this guy, until I check out my groceries and run home, lock the door, and log into Match.com ) Remember back in the day, where suggestions of meeting single women were the laundry mat, grocery store, church (church was suppose to be the BESt place, because, a good church girl was great relationship material lol) You see, online, there's the option of "ignoring/deleting" a man from her view...in person...well, she's more of a "captured audience" and that's becoming more annoying to some women. In fact, I heard some women prefer online dating, one actually stopped going to her local singles groups at her church, because they weren't attractive enough or somewhat socially awkward men trying to approach her. It's pretty sad when you actually forgoe public encounters to chase afteronline ones. Who cares if some women prefer online dating and if they don't like being in bothered in public. Really who cares if OLD has become more mainstream. Real life dating is where its at so bother some women at country club or where ever it is you are hanging out these days! One moment you're bothering them the next you have them bent over and you're giving them the time of day if you know what I mean! I actually appreciate guys like Kaylan. If I know a guy has high standards and he is trying to nail down it's a completely different animal than a guy who will take any kind of attention from a warm body. It makes it feel more real. It's all about the connection for me as well so a guy like Kaylan and I are on the same page. That's the kind of guy I could form a lasting relationship with. Whereas a guy that just wants to nail it down because I'm cute and fun, I'm not really feeling connected with because we aren't just on different pages, we are reading completely different books when it comes to falling in love. And just for the record, If I were 5 years younger I could totally bag Kaylan Kaylan is his own worst enemy when it comes to women. I doubt it would work out between you two even if you were 5 years younger. You like the idea of this woman like man kaylan who untill recently I thought was a woman poster. I doubt you'd enjoy the reality. I think it's kind of simplistic to put it like that. There's a fine line between desperate and picky. I'm certain that while you don't like desperate and clingy men, being with a picky man would get old fast. There has to be a balance. Shocker women call guys everything from clingy to creepy stalkers for doing simple things like showing interest and wanting to hang out with them. I doubt these guys care as much as she thinks. She just not into them end of story. Also you have to use some judgment of how much emotions to show. Some times its best to just ask a girl out and leave out the fluff talk. Let your actions speak and give her some space and play it cool. Some times its esential to throw in fluff talk... you need to use your judgment and not worry about screwing it up because things don't always work out. The thing is though is that there is huge competition for women like you (assuming what you write about yourself is true since I don't know you in real life). Guys who don't want to compete with other men to date you won't bother trying to date you or will act desperate or settle for whatever it is they think they can get. We admonish guys all the time for not lowering their standards (i.e. be less picky) and yet when they do they're criticized for that too. It's a tough line to walk. Although I'm not really interested in dating right now, I'll use myself as an example. I might be educated, in shape, reasonably good looking, etc. But, the fact that I'm so inexperienced (and currently unemployed) means that I have no right to date someone of higher quality that I'm truly interested in so I'd have to take what I could get if I were to try to date. There are a lot of guys out there in a similar spot. First off there isn't really any competition. Back in the day with a courting process there was I mean you might literaly kill all the other guys going after your women... or atleast buy them out. Now you just have one girl who might pick the biggest loser of the bunch going after her. I just falls down to that magic thing called chemistry. The real competion is in your head man. If you're having trouble with women realize that you're not being agressive enough... As in you don't go out into the real world and flirt, ask out, and most important of all make bold physical shows of effection like holding her hand and kissing her etc... If you are as great of a catch as you say you are (and like the above poster I am assuming you are being true) then a man is not going to want to waste time to 'get to know you' while you are off dating other men because you'll be gone. You're thinking like a woman who has many options but you are forgetting about the perspective of the man. WHY would he see you so casually for so long, to "really get to know you" (or whatever your standard is to become a girlfriend, I don't know) if that means any other man will just step in at any time because you're still a free agent? You see an item you've wanted for SO LONG on sale. You don't know when the sale ends. Are you going to walk by it every day for weeks and then eventually decide to buy it? No, you'll make the scoop right away. I don't want to compare you to a TV or computer but it really isn't more complicated than that. I wonder if you find it insulting that a man is perfectly fine with you just being good looking, has common interests, and isn't too crazy. I hate to say this but that's an okay standard. A man doesn't need to worship you or be your life partner to be your boyfriend. That's why he's a boyfriend and not your husband. I dunno, I guess I just don't understand why you think a man has to be so picky. My husband says that I'm "hot" but not "too hot", "not too crazy", and I can cook well. Perfect wife. Does he share my passionate love for foreign French film or breastfeeding advocacy? No. But we both like to watch the Simpsons. Good enough. She is thinking like a woman. First off men like having sex with women. If I have sex with a girl who ends up dangerously crazy its going to be hard for me to stop. I mean think of James Bond always screwing women he knows are trying to kill him. We play the game from very different sides of the board. If a guy came back to me and told me "This girls was so sexy omg I was about to lose it, she wanted me to do such dirty things to her... Only problem she let it slip that she has no sense of humor. I mean I know practicly no girls are funny but I mean she didn't laugh at any of my jokes or the jokes in the movie. I could tell she just doesn't get it..." I would kill that guy and go screw that girl! That is why guys are not picky. Heck we have a real term butter face. Thats for when we find a girl sexy and wanter her but her face is bad. Then there is a girl we call a bagger, that means a girl who we want to have sex with and not look at her face so we joke about putting a paper bag over it. Yes men are very different from women.
Author ditzchic Posted January 10, 2012 Author Posted January 10, 2012 I agree w the OP that extreme clinginess is a turnoff. I've ended it w girls who have come on really strong. In fact, I actually like a girl to show a bit of a boundary. This is what is interesting to me though, OP. You have gone for superneedy guys, and even got hung up on at least one. I am going to guess that you feel connection/chemistry with someone who has a very strong personality that fits w yours, correct? You are completely correct. I'm drawn to guys that are just as intense and passionate as I am. But my intensity doesn't show much face in my dating life (outside of the bedroom ). I'm not a drama queen. I like things to keep a nice, easy flow. It's more in my personal life. Ideally, I'd like a guy who's intensity is directed the same way. I like my relationships to be my soft place to fall. From my own personal experiences, it seems the guys who show that intensity in their dating lives lack it in their personal lives and vice versa.
Shaun-Dro Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 Pretty much. All most guys really want is a girl who they find attractive, has a few common interests, and is fun to be with. What else really matters? We don't care about your ambition We don't care how much you earn We don't care how smart you are If you cause drama you're not fun Hell, you don't even have to be funny, you just have to think we are! Sure, there are a few other things like 'must not smoke' or whatever, but by and large these are really very easily achievable things. Men are simple! Spoken like a true man, I applaud you. But unfortunately, women won't in this lifetime ever accept it because it's in their nature to oppose us, just as it is in the never-ending battle of Good vs. Evil.
Imajerk17 Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 (edited) She is thinking like a woman. First off men like having sex with women. If I have sex with a girl who ends up dangerously crazy its going to be hard for me to stop. I mean think of James Bond always screwing women he knows are trying to kill him. We play the game from very different sides of the board. If a guy came back to me and told me "This girls was so sexy omg I was about to lose it, she wanted me to do such dirty things to her... Only problem she let it slip that she has no sense of humor. I mean I know practicly no girls are funny but I mean she didn't laugh at any of my jokes or the jokes in the movie. I could tell she just doesn't get it..." I would kill that guy and go screw that girl! That is why guys are not picky. Heck we have a real term butter face. Thats for when we find a girl sexy and wanter her but her face is bad. Then there is a girl we call a bagger, that means a girl who we want to have sex with and not look at her face so we joke about putting a paper bag over it. Yes men are very different from women. LOL. I agree with you on many points Dust, but I sure as **** aint gonna act like some lost puppy dog and text a girl nonstop after a date, and I'm positive you wouldn't either. There is something seriously wrong with a guy who acts like that. Procure the second date at the end of the first, and for G_d's sake make a move to kiss her! Between the dates communicate enough to stay on each others' minds and that's it. Women are women and men are men, and women are a lot more picky because they're the ones who will end up carrying the baby. It would be better for everyone involved though, if women understood that the connection they are looking for might not happen on the first date. As far as approaching women, who cares if you're bothering her. As long as you're respectful you have nothing to worry about. If you approach 10 women and 8 of them blow you off and 2 of them are receptive, that's 2 dates you have. (Actually, most women are pretty nice and respect a guy who approaches them.) And if you don't take a woman's bad moods towards you too seriously, you'd be surprised how many of those 8 will actually turn around to you. Edited January 10, 2012 by Imajerk17
TheFinalWord Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 I don't get attached easily but when I do, I am extremely loyal. I don't want to get to that point before I am ready to.... Sure, I can understand that as it sounds like you've been burned a few times. Don't compromise if you know what you want; especially since you are happy being single. You need to date men that are in your "world"; professional, educated, and not in a hurry. I would still say that if there is a guy you do find interesting in this bunch or in the future, you might try just telling him he is going to fast. See how he responds. If he is confident, he will accept your boundaries. If not, then you know he is not for you and can move on. No harm in speaking your mind
Emilia Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 And just for the record, If I were 5 years younger I could totally bag Kaylan You would have to wait for him to shut up first.
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