Author tonguetied Posted January 11, 2012 Author Posted January 11, 2012 My one concern for you on this is still there...you've acknowledged the attraction...but what are you doing to stop feeding it??? That's where affairs start. I don't believe in love at first sight, but I do believe in attraction at first sight. You're attracted to him. If you continue to have contact with him...especially if you have any kind of EMOTIONAL contact with him...that attraction will grow into something more. You need to starve that attraction, so that it fades and dies off on it's own. The discussions you've had with your H, the thoughts you've had floating around in your mind as a result of these discussions...have all fed that attraction. What are you going to do to starve it? It's a concern for both H and I. I don't know what to do to starve it, it's a great supportive friendship we have, and the desire is there to continue that relationship, without it turning into an affair. I have no idea whether or not that's even possible. I think the way I worded it before "that I am not ready to take our friendship to the bedroom", implied that I was still intending on getting physical with him at some point, which is less true now than it was even a month ago. Where before my attitude was very passive "If it happens it happens" meaning I probably would have LET it happen, and my intention now is to continue to do those things that protect myself from making that mistake. I know so long as I see him, the risk is there, but right now I feel like my H understanding, support, and trust will make it easier for me to NOT let it happen. NC is not an option, which I know is hard for some to understand, and that it would absolutely be the best scenario if it were an option. I have cut back on our conversations, by deleting online social networking, (our main method of communicating) from my life. I have made changes to future engagements, for example, our upcoming work conference, I switched to a hotel down the road, from my original reservation at the same hotel as OM, and am now in a shared room with other associates, rather than a single room on my own, which would have allowed for something to happen. I'm still here, and still responding, because I know my relationship with OM is still something I have to work on. I need to find that balance that allows him to be a supportive friend in my life, without it becoming inappropriate. I believe with my H trust and support, I feel a lot more comfortable in the situation, and I do credit many of you on this board for a lot of the good that has come of this over these past few weeks. I debated whether even posting this thread to begin with would make any difference at all, and I am sure glad I did!
Owl Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 I don't recall for certain...have you made your friend aware of your attraction to him, and have you given him any reason to believe that you might at some point become intimate with him? If so...you need to squash that, ASAP. You need to tell him about your discussions with your H, and inform him of your INTENTIONAL AND CONSCIOUS CHOICE, MADE WITH YOUR H JOINTLY, to completely rule this out as a possibility...ever. He needs to KNOW that this is how you stand, if he's ever been given any reaon whatsoever to have hopes of "hooking up" with you. CLEARLY, POINT BLANK, UNMISTAKEABLY. If that's not possible...and NC isn't possible...odds of success are miniscule. You've got to set hard boundaries. Moreso since you're aware of your own attraction, and far moreso if he's aware of it.
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 Does this make me any less attracted to OM? no. But, I don't have to feel guilty over it now, and I get to continue trying to have a great friendship with him, with my H's full support. I will have to continue to work hard, to do the right thing when around him, and that will start with me telling him at our next meeting, that I am not ready to take our friendship to the bedroom. This isn't just a sexual attraction towards the OM, you have feelings for him, and having a 'friendship' with him just feeds your feelings. Basically you are having an emotional affair, even though your H has given you 'permission' to be friends with the guy.. let me ask you - How would you feel if your H told he had a woman friend whom he was very sexually attracted to and they also were great friends, had a great close friendship. Would you and can you say, that you would TOTALLY be OK with that? Sure, you trust your husband not to cross the lines physically, but in his heart and him caring for another woman, getting close emotionally .. Wouldn't that bother you? And her getting close to him, relying on him for support and stuff? Women and men CAN be friends, but there's a fine line when feelings of attachment are involved. Hope this makes sense to you.. Why is this OM so important to you? Is it based on HOW he makes you feel? The connection, the energy between you two, how he looks at you etc.. I think that if something happens between you and this OM it's going to cause a lot of problems in your marriage, and it'll change how you feel towards your husband, in and out of bed.
woinlove Posted January 11, 2012 Posted January 11, 2012 It's a concern for both H and I. I don't know what to do to starve it, it's a great supportive friendship we have, and the desire is there to continue that relationship, without it turning into an affair. I have no idea whether or not that's even possible. I think the way I worded it before "that I am not ready to take our friendship to the bedroom", implied that I was still intending on getting physical with him at some point, which is less true now than it was even a month ago. Where before my attitude was very passive "If it happens it happens" meaning I probably would have LET it happen, and my intention now is to continue to do those things that protect myself from making that mistake. I know so long as I see him, the risk is there, but right now I feel like my H understanding, support, and trust will make it easier for me to NOT let it happen. NC is not an option, which I know is hard for some to understand, and that it would absolutely be the best scenario if it were an option. I have cut back on our conversations, by deleting online social networking, (our main method of communicating) from my life. I have made changes to future engagements, for example, our upcoming work conference, I switched to a hotel down the road, from my original reservation at the same hotel as OM, and am now in a shared room with other associates, rather than a single room on my own, which would have allowed for something to happen. I'm still here, and still responding, because I know my relationship with OM is still something I have to work on. I need to find that balance that allows him to be a supportive friend in my life, without it becoming inappropriate. I believe with my H trust and support, I feel a lot more comfortable in the situation, and I do credit many of you on this board for a lot of the good that has come of this over these past few weeks. I debated whether even posting this thread to begin with would make any difference at all, and I am sure glad I did! It seems that you are saying you might have cheated a month ago. Or am I misunderstanding your words? I thought you only told your H very recently about OM, but a month ago you had the attitude you might get physical with the OM if it "happened"?
Author tonguetied Posted January 11, 2012 Author Posted January 11, 2012 It seems that you are saying you might have cheated a month ago. Or am I misunderstanding your words? I thought you only told your H very recently about OM, but a month ago you had the attitude you might get physical with the OM if it "happened"? Misunderstanding lol. This conversation with my H started about a month ago, and my attitude towards how I handle things with OM has changed in that time. That before all of this talk I allowed myself to believe that if it happened it happened, that I used that attitude to tell myself I was't actually going out and making it happen. Yes, I more than likely would have Let it happen at some point, had my H and I not been able to talk like this, but since we have, my perspective has changed, and I've been able to be a lot more honest with myself.
Calif_hope Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 For God's sake don't do this, If you value your marriage don't do this, once you do you can't take it back. Indulging in what-ifs and fantancy can back fire. Spice things up between you to, role play, buy some wigs, invent some characters / have him pick up up ad a stranger at a bar....... Look you have NO GUARANTEE how he will react if you indulge or how you will react when the green light given to him. The green eyed monster of jealousy is very unpredictable. Having said that, your decide to be foolish and stupid - better a stranger than your friend.....you are in an EA with him already - it would be like playing with fire in a gasoline dress. Let's say you have relations with this friend, will it be once, several times, ate creating an open marriage or will you take it under ground and become a cheater and a lier. Even if one occurrence happened, how will your husband react knowing you two work together - go for coffee, when they are in the same room together.....can't you see you may find yourself facing a demand from your husband to go NC with this friend, having to quit your job for the sake of your marriage. Look if your going to proceed, you have to be willing and able to suffer the consequences and aftermath - willing to lose what you have now. Life is hard enough why complicated to scratch an itch, you should also pull back from your emotional affair with your friend and limit contact to work related communication fir the sake of a healther marriage Are you willing to risk your marriage, their are no guarantees in life.
StrongerThanB4 Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Sounds to me like your having an emotional affair with this guy already and disguising it to your husband that there is only an "attraction" to the om. 7 years is along time to be "attracted" to someone and in another breathe say your marriage has been awesome over the years. Sorry but just the fact you have to tell this om that you cant take it to the bedroom is a big indicator that this isnt ONLY an attraction but an EA. Does your husband know you told the OM this?
Calif_hope Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 I guess she didn't like all the advice to not take her EA crush to PA in an open marriage
2sunny Posted January 17, 2012 Posted January 17, 2012 She's cheating already. Since she won't let go of her "friendship" knowing it infringes on her M - she's betraying her H just by keeping her OM as her friend. If her H really knew how much she won't let go of the other dude - he'd understand her truth... That she's been emotionally cheating for 7 years of their 9 year marriage. You're a cake eater. Get rid of the OM if you want to honor your M.
Author tonguetied Posted January 19, 2012 Author Posted January 19, 2012 I'm still here, still reading, thinking, and taking it all in. I value all of the thoughts and advice here, I just don't always feel the need to reply. Without me divulging every intimate detail, I can see how it would be easy to make judgement about me and the things I haven't gone into great detail about. Like assuming I am disguising it to my husband that there is only an "attraction", or thinking that there is no way I could have been friends with OM all this time and still have a great marriage. With OM, yes there is a strong sexual attraction, and we will continue to do what we need to do to keep our friendship appropriate. He is very important to me, my H knows this, and my H is very understanding of the "situation" (for lack of a better term). What I didn't realize before, was that my friendship with the OM wasn't a problem for my H, it was I, who was more worried that it would be, and that led me to minimizing the friendship, out of a fear of hurting my H. But after getting it all out in the open I have realized my H is much more supportive and less insecure about it than I had thought. The thing is, the idea of allowing eachother to explore having other sexual partners is something we will probably discuss for a long, long time. It will probably be on the table for a year or more before we know if it is something we would like to explore. You would have no idea, how much of the advice from here I have taken to our conversations.
Owl Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 I think that both you and your H are massively, hugely, astonishingly underestimating the risk this situation poses to your marriage and relationship to each other. No married partner...male or female...should have a "friend" who is "very important" to them and that they are also "strongly sexually attracted to". The potential for unmitigated disaster is off the charts in the situation you've described. The slightest change in environment...your H suddenly takes a job where he's forced to work massive hours overtime...the loss of someone else close to you, etc... could easily result in this turning into an affair, either emotional or physical. The boundaries are already "too close for comfort". It's your life, and your marriage. Clearly you and your H are set to take your own path. But I'm going to remind you...you've been posting quite sometime about how you'd let something happen had it started down that path. Has that been spelled out clearly to your H? Does he know that this is how you feel/felt? And he's ok with that? I do wish all three of you the best...but given what you've described here, it doesn't bode well from what I've learned.
SoulStorm Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 You and your husband simply do not understand the devastation that can occur with this. It is very naive to believe that this will be anything but destructive.
Michael30 Posted January 19, 2012 Posted January 19, 2012 (edited) I've read all of your replies and I gotta say there are numerous holes in your story. This is very suspicious. You haven't even answered TigerClub's question in regards to the identity of the OM you've been having an affair with for most of your marriage. If this isn't a troll with a cuckold fantasy then I would advise both you and your husband to get a divorce. You've been cheating on him for years and he's putting up with it because he has the same mindset as you. You know very well that your OM you've been seeing is anything but a friend to you, or your marriage, nor have you been "struggling" with your attraction to him. A marriage is meant for two people only, not four or ten other people to have an orgy with. To answer your question-no I would never sleep with anyone else even if my wife was "okay with it." I would divorce her because that lets me know all she cares about is fooling around with others and not about our relationship. Edited January 19, 2012 by Michael30
Author tonguetied Posted January 20, 2012 Author Posted January 20, 2012 I've struggled with whether or not to reply at this point, as I don't want to come off as defensive, which is normally how it appears when someone tries to "clear some things up". While many of the replies and advice has been immensely helpful and appreciated, some of the responses are just downright offensive. However, it's an open forum, full of people with all sorts of differing mindsets ad opinions, so it's all par for the course, so to speak. You assume that my H and I don't understand the huge risks involved, or can't possibly understand the possible devastation, but as I said, it's a discussion we've had, or are having. It's a curiosity, that's led to some great conversation and bonding, and has opened the door to some important, open, honest communication, in a way that I never imagined being possible before. I actually happen to think that our ability to openly discuss our fantasies like this, is a good thing for us. It's been an amazing few weeks with everything out in the open, and if that's naive, then so be it. My H and I can talk with eachother better than any other married couple we know, and I believe we are stronger because of that. You know one thing I've learned from my H over this time, is that he has so much more trust and faith in me than I ever thought he did. The fact that he trusts me with OM has led me to feeling more guilty than ever, that he knows there have been times when I thought I would just "let something happen" and still trusts me to make the right decision makes me feel absolutely awful about the last year and where my mindset was then. But I also feel it gives me new strength, and power over my desires. I do feel stronger today, and I will feel stronger tomorrow, and I know that continuing my friendship with OM is a risk, but my H faith in me, gives me more faith in myself. I could babble on about this forever, but in truth I feel this thread has given me all the help I needed at this time, and anything further that comes out of it will probably be anything but helpful anymore. I kind of hope it dies with this, but who knows how it will turn. I'd like to lastly respond to this... although at this point I'm not sure what purpose it will serve... You haven't even answered TigerClub's question in regards to the identity of the OM you've been having an affair with for most of your marriage. It may not have been in this thread, perhaps in a previous thread I've started, but I have said that my H has come to some of my workshops, attended the social parts with me, and yes he has met OM at a few of these. They are acquaintances and have a respect for one another. I only see OM 1-4 times per year so it'd be pushing it to say H "knows" him, when he's probably met him a handful of times over the years. I hope this was the question you were referring to, I looked back quickly and it was all I saw.
Owl Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 I'll say it bluntly. I stated that you and your H don't understand the risks, because if you did, you'd clearly understand why maintaining a "close friendship" with someone that you're "strongly attracted to" should be out of the question. If the two of you truly understood the risks...I cannot fathom why you allow (or even encourage) that situation to continue. There's nothing left for me to say, no further advice I can offer. Good luck. Let us know how this all works out.
Michael30 Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 I've struggled with whether or not to reply at this point, as I don't want to come off as defensive, which is normally how it appears when someone tries to "clear some things up". While many of the replies and advice has been immensely helpful and appreciated, some of the responses are just downright offensive. However, it's an open forum, full of people with all sorts of differing mindsets ad opinions, so it's all par for the course, so to speak. You assume that my H and I don't understand the huge risks involved, or can't possibly understand the possible devastation, but as I said, it's a discussion we've had, or are having. It's a curiosity, that's led to some great conversation and bonding, and has opened the door to some important, open, honest communication, in a way that I never imagined being possible before. I actually happen to think that our ability to openly discuss our fantasies like this, is a good thing for us. It's been an amazing few weeks with everything out in the open, and if that's naive, then so be it. My H and I can talk with eachother better than any other married couple we know, and I believe we are stronger because of that. You know one thing I've learned from my H over this time, is that he has so much more trust and faith in me than I ever thought he did. The fact that he trusts me with OM has led me to feeling more guilty than ever, that he knows there have been times when I thought I would just "let something happen" and still trusts me to make the right decision makes me feel absolutely awful about the last year and where my mindset was then. But I also feel it gives me new strength, and power over my desires. I do feel stronger today, and I will feel stronger tomorrow, and I know that continuing my friendship with OM is a risk, but my H faith in me, gives me more faith in myself. I could babble on about this forever, but in truth I feel this thread has given me all the help I needed at this time, and anything further that comes out of it will probably be anything but helpful anymore. I kind of hope it dies with this, but who knows how it will turn. I'd like to lastly respond to this... although at this point I'm not sure what purpose it will serve... If you want to continue your type of behavior, then be our guests, but don't expect us to validate what both you and your husband know is wrong. Fact remains you've been having an affair with this guy for most of your marriage. To try and downplay him as simply a friend is just delusional. It may not have been in this thread, perhaps in a previous thread I've started, but I have said that my H has come to some of my workshops, attended the social parts with me, and yes he has met OM at a few of these. They are acquaintances and have a respect for one another. I only see OM 1-4 times per year so it'd be pushing it to say H "knows" him, when he's probably met him a handful of times over the years. I hope this was the question you were referring to, I looked back quickly and it was all I saw. Doesn't matter if he saw him a few times. You introduced him to someone you considered having sexual relations with for almost a decade. I don't see anywhere in the above how respect comes into this situation.
2sunny Posted January 20, 2012 Posted January 20, 2012 Since you state that your H met this man you are attracted to- did you introduce the OM as the man you ish to have sex with? You state your H trusts you - have you been honest with him about your feelings for this OM? If you haven't - it's time to get completely honest about the threat this OM poses to your R with your H. I would think he might not be so trusting if he understood how much you are attracted to this OM. How much have you really told your H?
ver13 Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 It"s been awhile since I have been here, just read your story and I had to reachout. We just crossed over the 20yr mark and I have to say it's been quite a ride. Many things have gone through together, some of them painfull others - well they are the ones that keep us together. All I can tell you is "NO TRUE FRIEND" would want you to continue on in your relationship with them if it mean't destroying someone that you claim that you love. We are all responsible for what we bring into our relationships and no matter what my wife may say she is comfortable with I always have to remember that I am the one that will have to live with the outcome of my choice's. I would never pick a friend over my wife in any situation what so ever. We are always confronted through out our live's with desires I guess it just comes down to this which one do you want the most. Marriage is not easy it takes hard work all the time and tough choices to keep it together. If have come to the point that a "Friend" that you are sexually attracted to means more to you then your H do the right thing and leave your family and move on. You can't have both relationships and be happy if you have to divide your attention between the two of them. Go with the one that you feel will fullfill you to the utmost and deal with your decision.
RRM Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 toungetied, I don't know if you'll be reading this message or not, but regardless, I just want to commend you on having the strength to be able to talk to your H about your attraction to OM. It took a lot of courage and I think it's commendable. As to whether or not you two will be opening up the marriage, I think it's smart to take it slow and keep it in discussion mode until you two both feel comfortable. Good luck with things and thanks for sharing your story. I'm not in quite the same situation, but you've given me a lot to think about.
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