iheartsuki Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 My boyfriend just started a really demanding job and has been given a work bb. He's decided that he doesn't want to mix personal life and work life and is keeping his old phone on him w/ the bb for personal calls. He says this way he isn't distracted by personal calls/texts while he's trying to focus on work bc he can't differentiate between the two without stopping to check his phone (even if he doesn't answer, it's still a distraction for him). Instead, he can keep the personal phone off and focus on work until he's ready to get back to family and friends...and me. This really bothers me. He claims he is giving his work number out to NO ONE, but he already called his parents from it.....he claims they don't have it anymore though. I know they will end up with it though at some point. It just really bothers me that he won't give me something important like that, especially knowing how much it upsets me. I feel like he's not letting me in his life completely and like I'm being treated like a child. I'm supposed to be the person he shares everything with. It also really upsets me that there will be times I just can't reach him.....this cause a LOT of anxiety since he will also be on the road most of the time. He says if there is a REAL emergency I can call his main office and they will contact him for me....but something about this really stings. I thought I was more important than that. He's says it's nothing personal, but still....it really bothers me. Is it fair of me to be upset about this? Fair for him to be doing this?
Art_Critic Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 If he is a LTR BF then you have a problem.. but if you just started dating him and are not in a fully committed relationship then your gonna have to live with it. How long have you been together ?
Author iheartsuki Posted January 9, 2012 Author Posted January 9, 2012 We have been together for almost 4 years. :/ It also doesn't help that his mom agrees with him and thinks it's a good idea for him to keep his personal life "turned off" while at work. He even told his mom that I'm really upset about it (b/c he said he was questioning if he was being a jerk) and she supports his decision.
Author iheartsuki Posted January 9, 2012 Author Posted January 9, 2012 Also...he says he doesn't trust me to leave him alone to discuss something later if I'm really upset about something when he needs to focus on work b/c....when he was in grad school, I would kinda continue to text him or call when he said he needed to get work done (I know....not very cool). :/ So he says now that there is too much at stake and he can't take the risk of being completely distracted....he has flat out said he doesn't trust me not to respect his need to focus on work.
Art_Critic Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 There is absolutely nothing wrong with you knowing the number and having the understanding that you don't call it. Since he just started the job then let him keep his personal life out of his work life.. that will change and he will lighten up and he will most likely start turning his home phone on while at work. Are you sure there isn't somebody at work that he is keeping the fact he is in a relationship with you from ? Just pondering.. not trying to start anything I cannot fathom a 4 year GF not having my work number cell...
Author iheartsuki Posted January 9, 2012 Author Posted January 9, 2012 "There is absolutely nothing wrong with you knowing the number and having the understanding that you don't call it." That's the problem. He says he just doesn't trust me not to do that. He says I haven't proven myself to not do that in the past, and he just can't risk me not respecting his need to focus now. "Are you sure there isn't somebody at work that he is keeping the fact he is in a relationship with you from ?" Honestly, while I am always paranoid about this sort of thing...I honestly don't think so. I think he is telling me the truth as to why he is keeping separate phones. Also, he is constantly meeting new people and not really working with the same ones routinely. And from what he tells me, I do think that he mentions me to other people he meets while he's away and he seems to have every intention of including me in work events, parties, travel, etc. when the opportunities come up. And yes, we live together. Which makes this more offensive to me. I'm the person you live with, share everything with, and you can't give me your work phone number? It just feels like I'm being cut out of a significant part of his life.
Dust Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 He should give you the work number with the understanding that you don't call it unless its an emergency. Seriously if he can't trust you enough to do that it's an insult to you. If you know you would abuse it then maybe he's right though haha! A lot of times I shut my phone off and I've had girls say to me "what if I get in an emergency." I say "If its car problems you have tripple A and if its medical dial 911" because I don't want to be on call all the time. What your bf is doing is much different though. He should just give you the number and if you abuse it spank you for it!
Art_Critic Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 And yes, we live together. Which makes this more offensive to me. I'm the person you live with, share everything with, and you can't give me your work phone number? It just feels like I'm being cut out of a significant part of his life. Isn't this the whole problem ?.. and by the way.. you have every right to feel that way... Have you bothered him at work to the point where he had a problem with it before ? It sounds like the guy is just being an ass so he can be one... Does he treat you poorly in other areas with the similar logic ?
Dust Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 Isn't this the whole problem ?.. and by the way.. you have every right to feel that way... Have you bothered him at work to the point where he had a problem with it before ? It sounds like the guy is just being an ass so he can be one... Does he treat you poorly in other areas with the similar logic ? You know even if she does call all the time with "bring home milk" and stuf like that he still owes it to her of all people to give out this number. If he really is anoyed by her this much he should probably dump her. It is a great insult to her not to be given this number. She's not just some friend, shes his live in gf who he's been dating for years.
Author iheartsuki Posted January 9, 2012 Author Posted January 9, 2012 "Have you bothered him at work to the point where he had a problem with it before ?" Yes. :/ "Does he treat you poorly in other areas with the similar logic ?" Well...yes. He is very type A and uptight about things....so often he tends to blow the importance of some things out of proportion (overly-cautious) and also tends to believe only he knows how to do something the "right way" and ends up treating me like a child. He has the type of personality where he needs to feel in control to feel comfortable....not so much in an abusive, creepy way....just more of an annoying type A, uptight kind of way.
Art_Critic Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 "Have you bothered him at work to the point where he had a problem with it before ?" Yes. :/ Then he is just punishing you.. in what would appear to be in a passive aggressive manner. Well...yes. He is very type A and uptight about things....so often he tends to blow the importance of some things out of proportion (overly-cautious) and also tends to believe only he knows how to do something the "right way" and ends up treating me like a child. He has the type of personality where he needs to feel in control to feel comfortable....not so much in an abusive, creepy way....just more of an annoying type A, uptight kind of way. I like Dust's last post... By the way.. you are going to have to decide if this is a deal breaker.. He sounds like a bit of a mama's boy since he has aligned his Mom with his decision to go against you.
Emilia Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 How often did you call him at work OP when you had his number?
oaks Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 Is it fair of me to be upset about this? Not really. You've got his personal number - use that. If he doesn't pick up or it's turned off then he's busy working. If there's an emergency you can call his work switchboard (which you can probably look up yourself) and ask them to put you through to him.
stillafool Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 How often did you call him at work OP when you had his number? This is what I'm wondering. If you are the type to call him alot at work just to chat or are very needy I can understand his point. Why do you need to contact him at work unless it is an emergency?
mitchell Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 He's at work, and you've proven in the past (school and other jobs) that you call too frequently. He's lucky to have a job and wants to make sure he's not distracted with calls. Employers do notice if employees get personal calls. Get over this. Use his cell phone sparingly as needed during work hours.
denise_xo Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 He's at work, and you've proven in the past (school and other jobs) that you call too frequently. He's lucky to have a job and wants to make sure he's not distracted with calls. Employers do notice if employees get personal calls. Get over this. Use his cell phone sparingly as needed during work hours. +1 My reaction would be the same as your bf. In general, I often don't answer personal calls when I'm busy at work.
Els Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 I can understand him not wanting you to call him, but not wanting to let you have his phone number at all spells all sort of weirdness to me. There should be some trust, at 4+ years, that you aren't going to be calling him for little or no reason. Or did you use to, in the past?
azsinglegal Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 I don't see an issue with this. I never gave out my work BB number to personal friends. And if I became friends with someone via work I had them call/txt my personal BB instead of my work one. If it's a work BB, you realize that the company has access to that phone at ANY time right? It might very well be that since he just started he needs to keep anything personal off of it. If he's saying he doesn't trust you NOT to contact him on it - there's a reason based on your behavior in the past. I made the mistake of giving my work BB number out and folks would call my personal, then my work within minutes. If I'm busy at work I don't have time for a personal call...I'll see you called and get back to you when I can. My current beau works for the police department and I'm perfectly fine not having his work cell number. Is there a reason you're so insecure about this?
carhill Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 Respondents might find this thread, which unfortunately received no responses, to be helpful in assessing the dynamic. I'd probably bend on the constant contact desire but that's me. IOW, if my wife (exW is a business owner) had a business cell that she kept only for business and I could otherwise contact her via her personal phone, I'd have no issues with that. If she's blowing the customers, my knowing her business number won't really change anything.
mitchell Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 I can understand him not wanting you to call him, but not wanting to let you have his phone number at all spells all sort of weirdness to me. There should be some trust, at 4+ years, that you aren't going to be calling him for little or no reason. Or did you use to, in the past? She's admitted that she called him too frequently when he was in grad school. He just started a "demanding new job" and obviously is concerned with her past history that she will do the same thing again. I say good for him on being wise enough to avoid a problem in his new workplace. She has a way to contact him if needed on his person cell phone. The OP comes off here as insecure and childish on this one. Respect his wishes while he is starting his new job. Perhaps when he gets more comfortable and established, he will give her the phone # if she does not abuse is personal cell phone in the interim.
PlumPrincess Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 If you repeatedly bugged him at work with minor stuff although he told you not to do that, then I'm not surprised he refuses to give out his phone number to you. I know people who just ignore boundaries that you set, people who are very close to me. It's f*cking invasive. I'm not sure why, maybe because they are very insecure or needy, but what I now do is, I reduce the discussions and I take the necessary steps to ensure my peace of mind.
Author iheartsuki Posted January 10, 2012 Author Posted January 10, 2012 Wow, thank you all for the very thorough replies! "How often did you call him at work OP when you had his number?" Well, the communication was usually two ways. He was usually sitting at his computer doing research, running programs, etc. and would also send me texts, youtube videos, or call me when he was bored or waiting for some results or something. I would also call him if I needed help with something, or to tell him about something, or just chat here and there, etc. This was not a problem (except that he probably should have been a little more disciplined at times). The PROBLEM was when we would have a disagreement or I was upset about something. I have trouble dropping things when I'm REALLY upset and if I felt like I was being blown off, then it really got messy. He would say he needs to get back to work, "we'll talk about it later", etc....and I would a) not let him get off the phone b) call him back c) text him incessantly or d) all of the above. I know. :/ So...now, this job is 300% more demanding than grad school, the expectations are much higher and more real, and he basically doesn't even want to be bothered by having to CHECK his phone if personal texts are coming in b/c, even if he doesn't reply, he has to stop and check his phone to determine if it's work related or personal. He is especially worried that I will intentionally bother him and try to distract him if I'm feeling really angry and upset. What upsets me about this is that I'm not being trusted to HAVE his work number and NOT contact him, although as he has said himself, maybe I got what I earned. But...I already feel somewhat resentful of this job for numerous reasons listed in another post, and this is just one more thing that makes me feel like I'm being knocked down several pegs in importance. I feel like I'm being cut out of a significant portion of his life and it scares me and really hurts. It's not that I necessarily need his number to contact him (although the thought of simply NOT being able to directly get ahold of him does cause a lot of anxiety)....it's just that it makes me feel like I'm not as significant in his life anymore. Sorry if that's wrong....that's just really how I feel.
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 The PROBLEM was when we would have a disagreement or I was upset about something. I have trouble dropping things when I'm REALLY upset and if I felt like I was being blown off, then it really got messy. He would say he needs to get back to work, "we'll talk about it later", etc....and I would a) not let him get off the phone b) call him back c) text him incessantly or d) all of the above. I know. :/ Glad you know. And that is why (atleast right now) why he isn't giving you the number. So, learn how to just "wait", or let stuff go until he's home and able to talk. when one or both of you are at work, having personal chats/fights/discussions isn't the right time or place for it.. What upsets me about this is that I'm not being trusted to HAVE his work number and NOT contact him, although as he has said himself, maybe I got what I earned. But...I already feel somewhat resentful of this job for numerous reasons listed in another post, and this is just one more thing that makes me feel like I'm being knocked down several pegs in importance. I feel like I'm being cut out of a significant portion of his life and it scares me and really hurts. It's not that I necessarily need his number to contact him (although the thought of simply NOT being able to directly get ahold of him does cause a lot of anxiety)....it's just that it makes me feel like I'm not as significant in his life anymore. Sorry if that's wrong....that's just really how I feel. Tell him this! What you said in the above. He needs to know how you feel.. And he needs to allow you another chance so you can learn when to talk to him at work and when to wait until he gets home..
Imageiko Posted January 10, 2012 Posted January 10, 2012 You have proven time and time again that you can't be trusted in this area. I'm not surprised at all by your bf's decision. If it were me I'd probably dump you instead of his alternative as you don't seem to respect other ppl's boundaries. However lucky for you he's not me. So you should be going out of your way to earn his trust back in this area not whining that he doesn't trust you to have his work #. If you prove to him you can be trusted again I'm sure you'll get his work #.
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