zlatnapolja Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 So while Im allready on the dating subject:p I have a question to all the men, but also ladies opinions are very welcome About a week and a half ago I met a guy that I used to date in highschool.. We have always had this, how should I say this.. We've always had a weird connection/attraction. Over the past couple of years, we occasionaly spoke via email, FB, msn etc, but I always broke contact with him because I was scarred that I would maybe feel attracted to him. Since I'm very faithfull, thats not ssomething that I would want. So anyway, back to the story.. We decided to meet up for drinks, as friends. I made it very clear that I just wanted it to be platonic. So he picked me up at my house and right away I felt this attraction/connection... But I was still acting very cool:cool: We sat down and had something to drink (non alcoholic). After that we went over to his younger cousins house where we had one (!) alcoholic drink. we went back to his house and talked.. He had always told me how we were so much a like, but I always thought I was much more sensitive than he was, but he turned out to be pretty sensitive. The second time was a few days later, we were chatting on FB at around 4 am.. I couldnt sleep and he had just returned from a friends house. After a while he called me and we talked on the phone for like 2 hours and then he said: I'm going to pick you up.. (at this time it was around 7 am), he said I want to cuddle with you and sleep with you (sleeping, not sex:p).. So he picked me up again. We went to his bedroom and he hugged me and tried to kiss me. I said 'no thats not a good idea, we said just friend, so lets be just friends'. anyway we did end up kissing and here this... making love (thats what HE called it, not me) for about 3 hours.. And it truely was love making. At this point I was allready freaked out because, he knew every single thing I was thinking. He knew me, because he's just like me... He even said: I feel like such a narcisist for being so attracted to you, because we're so much alike. The only difference between the two of us is that I'm faithfull and he isn't. He has a severe:p sexaddiction. And because I know him, i would know right away if he cheated on me and even if he wouldnt cheat on me I would trust him and he knows this too. He sais: I'm not faithfull until Im married, then I will be faithfull (I believe that he wants to be, dont know if he will be). He told me: no matter who Im with, you will always be the most special girl to me (also because he lost his virginity to me, appearently..). he sais that Im actually the perfect girl for me, but that he knows he would f* it up between us not because he doesnt care about me, but because he is addicted to sex. I'm not in love with him, I swear I'm not and I also swear i dont want a relationship with him, but I've never felt this strong of a connection to anyone, simply because were almost the same person. It's soo weird. I'm afraid that I might eventualy fall for him and I dont want that. I like to just be friends (without benefits:p).
norajane Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 I'm afraid that I might eventualy fall for him and I dont want that. I like to just be friends (without benefits:p). Then don't have sex with him. Don't cuddle with him, don't get into bed with him, don't kiss him, just don't. You have control over yourself...right? Then don't do what you say you don't want.
Author zlatnapolja Posted January 9, 2012 Author Posted January 9, 2012 Then don't have sex with him. Don't cuddle with him, don't get into bed with him, don't kiss him, just don't. You have control over yourself...right? Then don't do what you say you don't want. Yes, my problem is I want so badly for us to be friends. So does he by the way. But everytime you put the two of us in a room something happens. So i agree with you, I shouldnt do those things, but do you have any idea how I can stop this chemistry between us?
norajane Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 Yes, my problem is I want so badly for us to be friends. So does he by the way. But everytime you put the two of us in a room something happens. So i agree with you, I shouldnt do those things, but do you have any idea how I can stop this chemistry between us? The only way to keep it on simmer is to never cross the line. As soon as you start cuddling or kissing, it's too late. Then you're not friends, you're something else, and that will mess you up...you will be hurt. He told you he would cheat on you - there's nothing good in that for you, so make the healthy choice and let it go. Don't start seeing him a lot. You're just begging to cross the line if you do that.
jobaba Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 So while Im allready on the dating subject:p I have a question to all the men, but also ladies opinions are very welcome About a week and a half ago I met a guy that I used to date in highschool.. We have always had this, how should I say this.. We've always had a weird connection/attraction. Over the past couple of years, we occasionaly spoke via email, FB, msn etc, but I always broke contact with him because I was scarred that I would maybe feel attracted to him. Since I'm very faithfull, thats not ssomething that I would want. So anyway, back to the story.. We decided to meet up for drinks, as friends. I made it very clear that I just wanted it to be platonic. So he picked me up at my house and right away I felt this attraction/connection... But I was still acting very cool:cool: We sat down and had something to drink (non alcoholic). After that we went over to his younger cousins house where we had one (!) alcoholic drink. we went back to his house and talked.. He had always told me how we were so much a like, but I always thought I was much more sensitive than he was, but he turned out to be pretty sensitive. The second time was a few days later, we were chatting on FB at around 4 am.. I couldnt sleep and he had just returned from a friends house. After a while he called me and we talked on the phone for like 2 hours and then he said: I'm going to pick you up.. (at this time it was around 7 am), he said I want to cuddle with you and sleep with you (sleeping, not sex:p).. So he picked me up again. We went to his bedroom and he hugged me and tried to kiss me. I said 'no thats not a good idea, we said just friend, so lets be just friends'. anyway we did end up kissing and here this... making love (thats what HE called it, not me) for about 3 hours.. And it truely was love making. At this point I was allready freaked out because, he knew every single thing I was thinking. He knew me, because he's just like me... He even said: I feel like such a narcisist for being so attracted to you, because we're so much alike. The only difference between the two of us is that I'm faithfull and he isn't. He has a severe:p sexaddiction. And because I know him, i would know right away if he cheated on me and even if he wouldnt cheat on me I would trust him and he knows this too. He sais: I'm not faithfull until Im married, then I will be faithfull (I believe that he wants to be, dont know if he will be). He told me: no matter who Im with, you will always be the most special girl to me (also because he lost his virginity to me, appearently..). he sais that Im actually the perfect girl for me, but that he knows he would f* it up between us not because he doesnt care about me, but because he is addicted to sex. I'm not in love with him, I swear I'm not and I also swear i dont want a relationship with him, but I've never felt this strong of a connection to anyone, simply because were almost the same person. It's soo weird. I'm afraid that I might eventualy fall for him and I dont want that. I like to just be friends (without benefits:p). So, because you wanted to have sex and he did too, you think you guys have an amazing connection? Hmm... It sounds like you have a great deal of lust for him, and that what is generally driving you. It sounds like if you get involved, you'll get played a record.
Author zlatnapolja Posted January 9, 2012 Author Posted January 9, 2012 So, because you wanted to have sex and he did too, you think you guys have an amazing connection? Hmm... It sounds like you have a great deal of lust for him, and that what is generally driving you. It sounds like if you get involved, you'll get played a record. Hehehe I think I didnt explain it correctly:p Attraction/sex is a part of it, but we have that connection in soo many area's and YES I know I would get screwed over if I'd ever get involved with him. We can talk for hours and hours about astronomy, history, life, events of the day:p, love etc etc. We think the same about almost everything. And just by knowing myself I know him and the other way around its the same thing, its creepy. I guess the big question is how to be friends with him. I think he's a good friend, just want to get rid of the benefits! NoraJane: Just now, he texted me if he could pick me up (its late at night in this part of the world:p) so I texted him I dont think its a good idea because I dont want to develope any more feelings for him.
ascendotum Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 Then don't have sex with him. Don't cuddle with him, don't get into bed with him, don't kiss him, just don't. You have control over yourself...right? Then don't do what you say you don't want. Yep its pretty simple. I dont know what sort of mystical advice we could give on this, as to how to make him your platonic friend or faithful bf which is what I bet you really want even thought you say you don't. It was only a few days before he had you on your back and as much as you might like to say I'm not that type of girl to fall for that type of guy, you subconsciously wanted to. He screws around any chance he gets, but it didn't make any difference for how you saw him. In fact as much as women say there is a double standard when it comes to guys clocking up numbers, they don't shun these guys. He's already told you he's not going to be faithful, if you want to over-ride that with the 'you will always be the most special girl to me ' then go for it, but in reality you would be better of doing the FWB thing (its all the rage now) if you continue to hang out with him, as he wont be cheating on you when he sleeps with other girls, plus you get to enjoy his company and an amazing connection.
Author zlatnapolja Posted January 9, 2012 Author Posted January 9, 2012 Yep its pretty simple. I dont know what sort of mystical advice we could give on this, as to how to make him your platonic friend or faithful bf which is what I bet you really want even thought you say you don't. It was only a few days before he had you on your back and as much as you might like to say I'm not that type of girl to fall for that type of guy, you subconsciously wanted to. He screws around any chance he gets, but it didn't make any difference for how you saw him. In fact as much as women say there is a double standard when it comes to guys clocking up numbers, they don't shun these guys. He's already told you he's not going to be faithful, if you want to over-ride that with the 'you will always be the most special girl to me ' then go for it, but in reality you would be better of doing the FWB thing (its all the rage now) if you continue to hang out with him, as he wont be cheating on you when he sleeps with other girls, plus you get to enjoy his company and an amazing connection. A complete honest answer to this is: I really DONT want a relationship with him. Because from past experience, I know that you cannot MAKE someone do something, its simply not possible. I've learned that the hard way and not with a cheater. He is however an honest person, I mean he says exactly what he thinks. And he knows I dont want a relationship with him. He's even said he'd rather that we never have sex, but that I would be in his life. But you are all right there is a part to this story thats very simple: we want each other all day/ all night. He's a complicated person and so am I and in most aspects were complicated in the same way. The question really is how to keep a platonic relationship with him, because I really dont want to follow temptation and get hurt. I really think that if I know how to, we can be great friends. It's always good to have someone in your life that knows you right?
xpaperxcutx Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 A complete honest answer to this is: I really DONT want a relationship with him. Because from past experience, I know that you cannot MAKE someone do something, its simply not possible. I've learned that the hard way and not with a cheater. He is however an honest person, I mean he says exactly what he thinks. And he knows I dont want a relationship with him. He's even said he'd rather that we never have sex, but that I would be in his life. But you are all right there is a part to this story thats very simple: we want each other all day/ all night. He's a complicated person and so am I and in most aspects were complicated in the same way. The question really is how to keep a platonic relationship with him, because I really dont want to follow temptation and get hurt. I really think that if I know how to, we can be great friends. It's always good to have someone in your life that knows you right? If i had paid more attention in math class, I think the concept of logic applies here. If.... then.... But the bigger question is how will a platonic relationship with him equate to you not following temptation and getting hurt? Wouldn't the safest way to not get hurt is to avoid him completely? You cannot be friends if you carry a torch for him. Or lust for him. Whichever.
norajane Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 If you're so tempted that you can't be around him without wanting to touch him, then you can't be around him. Don't see him.
ascendotum Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 A complete honest answer to this is: I really DONT want a relationship with him. Because from past experience, I know that you cannot MAKE someone do something, its simply not possible. I've learned that the hard way and not with a cheater. He is however an honest person, I mean he says exactly what he thinks. And he knows I dont want a relationship with him. He's even said he'd rather that we never have sex, but that I would be in his life. But you are all right there is a part to this story thats very simple: we want each other all day/ all night. He's a complicated person and so am I and in most aspects were complicated in the same way. The question really is how to keep a platonic relationship with him, because I really dont want to follow temptation and get hurt. I really think that if I know how to, we can be great friends. It's always good to have someone in your life that knows you right? Set some ground rules. Hang out with him but in mixed company social situations only. Never spend time with him 1 on 1 in your place or his, don't get drunk around him or if you do have your friends look after you, and dont answer his early morning 'I'm lonely and thinking of you and the amazing connection we have' calls. Also be on the look out for a decent guy for a bf, and don't write them off if they don't immediately have the same amazing connection that you have with this charmer.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 I'm not in love with him, I swear I'm not and I also swear i dont want a relationship with him, but I've never felt this strong of a connection to anyone, simply because were almost the same person. It's soo weird. I'm afraid that I might eventualy fall for him and I dont want that. I like to just be friends (without benefits:p). Why? This guy seems like trouble. A sex addiction? Good luck trying to "just be friends".
Author zlatnapolja Posted January 9, 2012 Author Posted January 9, 2012 Set some ground rules. Hang out with him but in mixed company social situations only. Never spend time with him 1 on 1 in your place or his, don't get drunk around him or if you do have your friends look after you, and dont answer his early morning 'I'm lonely and thinking of you and the amazing connection we have' calls. Also be on the look out for a decent guy for a bf, and don't write them off if they don't immediately have the same amazing connection that you have with this charmer. Thanks, thats a good one, to only be with him if theres other people around. Im glad I turned down his invitation for tonight:) I asked him to find me a man, since he knows me so well I feel really good being independant for a while:D
chelsea2011 Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 (edited) Zlatnapola, this guy is emotionally unhealthy. You should take a step back and look at why you're even considering putting yourself into a situation like that. When a person has a reaction, like you are having, to someone with these type of issues, it means they need to look "within" and figure out why. This situation has disaster written all over it IMO. It doesn't matter that you have good intentions going into it, this guy will eventually suck you into his "emotional vortex" causing you to lose sight of yourself in the process. After everything I've learned, I wouldn't touch that situation with a ten, no make that a 100 foot pole. I'm not trying to tell you what to do; just pointing out the big red flag that is waving in front of you. It's your choice of course. A good question to ask yourself is do you want to protect yourself and avoid a potentially harmful situation or do you want to learn through experience? The latter could end up taking years and would be a long bumpy road. Edited January 9, 2012 by chelsea2011
curlygirl40 Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 Set some ground rules. Hang out with him but in mixed company social situations only. Never spend time with him 1 on 1 in your place or his, don't get drunk around him or if you do have your friends look after you, and dont answer his early morning 'I'm lonely and thinking of you and the amazing connection we have' calls. Also be on the look out for a decent guy for a bf, and don't write them off if they don't immediately have the same amazing connection that you have with this charmer. This You keep saying you don't want to be in a relationship with him, but we aren't buying it. Your head knows it would be foolish. Your heart wants it. If you seriously want to avoid situations where you end up in bed together, then do just that. It's that simple.
salparadise Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 ...this guy will eventually suck you into his "emotional vortex" causing you to lose sight of yourself in the process. This! ^^^ You have to open your eyes to what's going on here... he's got your number and you're hot for him. But you also realize that it's a natural disaster looking for a chance to happen. Given the chance he will use what he knows to draw you in, and it will be harmful to you, not to mention painful. He wants to turn you into a sex toy, have you addicted to him, and you want something else entirely. Basically, you wish he would be something he isn't. He will tell you what you want to hear and wear you down. My advice is to stay away from him entirely and cool off to the point where you can make rational decisions in your own best interest. Then find a nice guy that you are compatible with to fall in love/lust with.
Author zlatnapolja Posted January 9, 2012 Author Posted January 9, 2012 Thanks guys! Chelsea2011: It is a red flag situation isn't it? hmm.. Sometimes I a little to confident and I think: I'm not letting this happen to me again, so its okay to just hang out with him.. But I guess thats where I go wrong.. I'm very loving and very sensitive and since I'm all scarred up from my last relationship I'm actually not confident at all.. Curlygirl40: Hehe I want everything, BUT a relationship with him. It's not a lie. But it's possible that I might change my mind after some of his mindgames, after all I'm just human. Salparadise: Yea you're right, but he doesnt have to be boyfriend material, just wanna be friends.. so without sex. I guess after reading what you guys have to say and after having thought about it myself, I think the wise thing to do is to not even try to be friends with him. Maybe tal to him every once in a while but thats it. I should know better than this really.. Glad I turned to you for advice! Thank you all
Professor X Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 (edited) How very interesting. At least you are alive. Edited January 9, 2012 by Professor X
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