arbrne_vet Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Through the advice of Downtown, i just read his reply: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3736365#post3736365 All i can say, is you just described my relationship with her to the "T"!!! When we first started going out, she always told me she had found the perfect man!! the things she would do for me, go out of the way to do for me, the sex, the passion, the intimacy, the times together.... then.... BAM!!!!! I don't know what to say. it explains so much. i have tried sooooo many times to talk to her, reason to her, blah blah blah. her explosions of anger. then when i went off to do something when she did not want to do anything.... the rage she would have. the ironic thing is, as i was reading this, i was thinking in the back of my head, "i can help her, she is not like this". then the more i read, the more logic kicked in. she told me how her second husband left her. without saying how, for fear that she might see this (about a million to one, but still there). now i know why he did what he did. i guess should get my trip to the moon ready. i have a banana downstairs in the kitchen!! lol!!! I will be going to the library and the the book, "stop walking on eggshells". i looked it up and they have it. thank you, thank you!!!!! i will be doing some reading this week!!
chelsea2011 Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 Happy reading! I've dealt with a BPDers in my life and that was NOT fun...not fun at all. Things are great when you are on the "good split", but Lord help you when you are on the "bad split!" I can spot one a 1,000 miles away and avoid them like the plague. Good luck on your journey back to sanity.
Mack05 Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 (edited) You still don't get it do you Arberne. Ok this is DEFINTELY my last post for a long time. I'm not even going to check the site anymore, as I have noticed I can't stop replying! You are as big a mess as she is and it seems to me you are in complete denial over this. An emotionally healthy person can spot an emotional unhealthy person a mile off. They say water threads/seeks its own level. If you believe your ex is a total mess, the reality is that so are you. Let me explain.. This was posted by you in August! -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t291585/ Same amazing relevations. Tell me what progress have you made? I can tell you -> ZERO! You have posted all these bull sh ! t threads in the meantime, about reclaiming your soul, getting yourself back, blah blah blah blah. You were just spouting total nonsense as it turns out. What happened? As soon as she came back, you made the EXACT same mistake and noticed very quickly that nothing had changed with her. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Do you know why you made the exact same mistake? Let me tell you.. You remind me of me. Nice guy, emotionally unhealthy, talk the great talk but not walk the walk, because he is too busy focusing on what is wrong with this ex and not what is wrong with himself. When I read the link to the thread above, I realised I too have made the same mistakes as you Arberne. Focusing what was wrong with my ex, not learning lessons and repeating the EXACT same mistakes down the line. I love Downtown. Great guy, my favourite poster on this site. I do disagree with him here though. I do not believe your ex has BPD. BPD mainly occurs in women but I believe (downtown correct me if I wrong) that it is only in 2% of women. According to this site (and I was one of them) you would think 20% of women suffer from BPD!. In my past I have had an ex like downtown described -> (verbal abuse, inability to trust, temper tantrums, emotional instability, and black-white thinking). That doesn't mean she has BPD. In fact I know she doesn't. I have found in my personal experience (this is just my experience) that girls from a tough childhood have very limited coping skills when dealing with emotional stress. You hear the same lines (which in future you should view as red flags) over and over. "You are pressing my wrong buttons" or "you made me do it". Of course we are pressing the wrong buttons! We are as emotionally unhealthy as they are! These girls kid themselves and believe you are 100% at fault for everything (her crimes were not that big) that has gone wrong in the relationship and that the right guy won't push the wrong buttons. It's called 'magical thinking'. If you don't cause these girls emotional distress, they are amazing to be with. Smart, beautiful, intelligent, gorgeous, sexy, amazing in bed, they think at the start you are awesome..Like you, I thought I had won the lottery...The problem is no matter how good a relationship is, at some stage these girls will experience emotional stress and as I said, they can't cope very well with it. The tantrums and the verbal abuse gets worse. It is like they have a 'beast' inside of them. Until they learn to tame or even get rid of that 'beast' they will always remain emotionally unhealthy and they will continue to make the bad choices in men. Why? Because each man they choose will be as emotionally unhealthy as they are..They will cleverly put it back on you. "If you stop annoying me and stop pressing the wrong buttons then I won't get angry". Not fun walking on eggshells for an entire relationship. You want your ex to take responsibility or accountability for some of the problems within the relationship. Let me tell you that will never happen. She will ALWAYS put things back on you. Sometimes very harshly by projecting or gaslighting. The reason being, girls like your ex are very logical and very intelligent. In away I can see her viewpoint. You are as big an emotional mess as she is and you can dissect you and pinpoint your personal issues very well. Sometimes these girls can be excessively harsh but the faults she says you have, listen to her, you have them.. Arberne here is the KEY lesson from this reply...Unless you resolve your own personal issues and become an emotionally healthy person, then you will continue to make bad choices when it comes to girls. You will continue to go back to her when she calls. The problem here is that you are two emotionally unhealthy people. You both have emotional gaps that the other person will NEVER fill. THE ONLY PERSON THAT CAN FILL THOSE EMOTIONAL GAPS IS YOU!!!. When those gaps don't get filled by the other, this is how the resentment builds up. She wants to be loved and nutured and when you can't leave up to her expectations (which in her mind are not very big) then the trouble starts. You have an idea what you want from the relationship and she doesn't seem capable of living up to your expectations. If you were emotionally healthy you would just leave, but because you are a mess you stay. Your heart loves her and your self esteem is rock bottom. You see so much potential in her and you kid yourself, if you can just get past these current problems that you will both be happy. Nonsense. Two emotionally unhealthy people can never make each other happy. Wish her well on her journey and hope she finds emotional health and the right partner for her. What you need to do is focus 110% on YOU and just YOU...These girls are very intelligent/logical and most of them learn from their mistakes and achieve emotional health, so don't be worrying about your ex. She will meet the right guy for her and you will meet the right girl for you. So many times life is about timing. If you were both emotionally healthy who knows, but you weren't and that is nature telling that it is not meant to be. In life you won't make detrimental mistakes with the person you were meant to end up with. The obsessing towards your ex has to stop NOW! It doesn't matter what she has or doesn't have so don't bother reading that eggshell book! You want to obsess about her to avoid dealing with what is wrong with you (believe me I know, not only did I read the eggshell book I sent it to my ex!!)..It doesn't matter what she did or didn't do. When you notice yourself obessing, stop yourself and train your thoughts elsewhere (preferably on you). You need to figure out what is wrong with you. The first thing you need to do is go to Therapy. A good therapist will help you piece it all together and determine what it is, that makes you an emotionally unhealthy man. They will then give you the tools to go and resolve this. I can tell you Arberne I have low self esteem (which is SLOWLY improving) and insecurities and lack of overall self belief due to bad personal choices I have made in the past. I have made drastic changes in my life to resolve these personal flaws and it is a long road to recovery. Therapy helped me enormously and it will help you too. By the time I come back to full emotional health (and it will happen) I will be able to choose the right partner for me. I will spot the things I am looking for in a woman and avoid the things I don't want (will be able to spot them a mile off). You need to open your eyes mate. The problem is not your ex..It is you..You say you want to get you back. Then put the focus on you and not her. Forget about the freggin book and get yourself into Therapy. In time she will sort her issues out.. While she is doing that, are you just going to focus on her or live your own life? Sadly many don't have the opportunities we have...Get busy living Arberne...Forgive yourself, forgive her and move on with your life... Edited January 9, 2012 by Mack05
leoc1973 Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 I think what is going on here is that arbrne loves her(probably very much) and is here looking to see if he can fix her and Mack knows that she cannot be fixed. She is broken permanently. I have read a lot of your replies to arbrne Mack and to me it seems like arbrne is looking for some kind of way to fix her and you are trying to explain to him that its not possible and he just isn't understanding that. Maybe I didn't read far enough back but I don't see how arbrne has any kind of "broken" personality of his own he just doesn't wanna give up on someone whom he looks at as the perfect girl because he is thinking of how perfect she was or could be. Is it possible that there is nothing wrong with her at all and just wants him to clean up after himself? Its just so easy to label people as broken when they don't act the exact way that we want them to. I had something like this happen to me. My ex was sent away on a week long trip so while she was gone I did a makeover of a room in the apartment. You know the ones you see on tv where they take a few days and totally go through a room and make it perfect for them and they are so surprised when they come home they cry and love you and all that good stuff. Well I did her a home office worked on it for a week all day long every day so I could get it done in time. When she got home all she could see is the baking pan I left in the sink. She didn't talk to me for 2 days. I am still trying to figure out the difference between BPD and Bipolar they kinda seem to be the same thing.
Mack05 Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 (edited) Leo (another great Poster :-) he is codepedent which he needs to resolve. Arberne may believe he is emotionally healthy, but I can read through the lines and reading his various threads since he joined here I can assure you that he is not. I am not a professional so I can't say what Arberne's issues are, but I do know there are things there that need resolving. You are correct Leo in that he wants to fix her, but the point I am making is that he needs to fix himself first and foremost. The only person that can fix her is her. The only person that can fix him is him..I don't believe she is permanently broken (very few people in life are permanently broken, all that is required is self awareness to your personal problems), but I truly believe their relatonship in its current state is completely unworkable. Like you would expect from two emotionally unhealthy people, their communication within the relationship is very poor. Like they are operating on two different wavelengths. One person wants one thing, the other person another thing and they can't seem to ever meet in the middle. Very hard to meet in the middle or feel empathy for the other person and compromise, if you can't see where they are coming from. Relationship communication is an art. An art that only two emotionally healthy people can master. Maybe in a few years down the line if they both became emotionally healthy and the timing was right who knows, but realistically this relationship will never work..What Arberne is lacking is acceptance of this fact. He is not thinking logically, just emotionally. I made the same mistakes as he is (still making them). The only difference between me and Arberne is that I am self aware of my issues and embarking on a journey to do something about them, right now he is not. Therapy will help him here. He needs to completely disengage from her and get himself to Therapy. I mean he posts a thread about getting himself back and then posts this thread a few days later about renting a book which explains what is wrong with this ex. He doesn't seem to understand/get the irony. How can he get himself back, when he is solely focusing on what is wrong with his ex..He needs to figure out how he went from a guy everyone was envious of, to the guy he is now. He can't do that if he is trying to fix his ex..Maybe you can relate to this scene AV..I can..It refers to 'the beast inside' (that beast is different for everyone) and how life doesn't always turn out as we hoped..To get what we want in life, we got to get rid of that beast -> Edited January 9, 2012 by Mack05
lalalandman Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 I do agree that Arbrne needs to stop obsessing but I wouldn't go as far as saying he needs Therapy. There's no real measure of how emotionally healthy or unhealthy people are, and even though Arbrne is still grieving, I don't think he needs a Therapist to tell him that. We're human and losing an emotional attachment to people we love is hard, hard to deal with. I think the only Therapy he needs is time and self-reflection. Having friends and family to share time with is important too. So, really, let's not scare him into thinking he's some basket case who has no control over his own feelings. He just needs to let go. He needs to stop trying to "figure things out". Personally, I think alot of people on LS might do some good by that idea.
Mack05 Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 (edited) Lala just because a person needs Therapy doesn't mean they are a basket case. I recommended Therapy in this case, because he posted the exact same thing in August and he seems to have no real idea how to piece this all together (figure things out as you said) and move on. I have no doubt if she came back again and said let's try he would. I have no doubt in 6 months after that he would be back here posting the same kind of threads after it failed again. I would recommend Therapy for anyone who was involved in a toxic relationship (so that you avoid them in future and know the signs). These relationships are the hardest to detangle from. It is great having family and friends, but sometimes you need to help of a professional to view things logically and think outside the box. I of course could be wrong. I am just offering an opinion that I sincerely hopes helps the guy. If your advice, downtown, leo's or anyone else's advice works for him that is all that matters..This is my last contribution to this thread and this site for the foreseeable future. I need to get myself fully emotionally healthy, so the next time I give advice I can finally say I have walked the walked..Best of luck Arberne.. Edited January 9, 2012 by Mack05
lalalandman Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 Yes I definitely wasn't correct in making that connection. Maybe he could do some good by taking a break from LS as well, and trying to let go of all his thoughts about the past relationship. Trying to fix a failed relationship in his mind isn't nearly as useful as fixing his own heart inside his own chest.
fucpcg Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 1. We assemble with those we resemble. It is impossible to say we were with a partner who was all screwed up, but we aren't. 2. I never thought I needed therapy, till I went to see a therapist. 3. Obsessing doesn't solve anything. I've obsessed over what happened over the split with my ex, and most of the questions I had since 10 months ago are still unresolved.
Author arbrne_vet Posted January 9, 2012 Author Posted January 9, 2012 (edited) oh trust me, i get it now. i may have taken a while to finally get it, but i do. i have a great sense of freedom right now. to be honest, this past week was the real eye opener. i guess i can say i have been in denial, i don't know. something..... i see her for who she is, not who i have been making her to be. i really am beginning to feel like my old self, and btw, i appreciate the truth, very very much!!! but.... i do get it, finally!!! everyone.... breath a sigh of relief!!!!!!!!!! have a great day!!!!! just wanted to edit this post: I mean he posts a thread about getting himself back and then posts this thread a few days later about renting a book which explains what is wrong with this ex. He doesn't seem to understand/get the irony. How can he get himself back, when he is solely focusing on what is wrong with his ex..He needs to figure out how he went from a guy everyone was envious of, to the guy he is now. He can't do that if he is trying to fix his ex ya, i am sitting here shaking my head. yes i do see the irony!!!! i woke up yesterday, and for the first time, if finally sunk in!! after reading the above mentioned post, i did some serious serious thinking. i was by myself all day, and just pondered everything. yes, i am a caregiver. yes, i wanted to fix her. i realized after what happened this week, (again!!) and after reading the post, i need to fix me. i have a great sense of peace today. today, i feel like the person i did before i met her. well not completey. before i met her, i never wanted to be in a relationship. these past few years made me realize what i have been missing, and how shallow my life was before i met her. i am by no means going to rush out and get into a relationship. when it happens, it happens. i am making plans for my future, for me. i am excited, and i feel i have a blank sheet of paper that i can write anything on for me. No.... i am not going to move on without further trying to understand why i tried for so long to "fix" her. i believe part of it was how great our relationship was when it started, and how much i longed for it. but now, i understand why it was that way. i used to constantly think if i had not done this, or done that, blah blah, this nightmare would not have happened. BUT, the same thing would have happened if Jesus were in my shoes. i have been praying for a miracle. i think my prayers have been answered!!!! Edited January 9, 2012 by arbrne_vet
leoc1973 Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 Mack great video.. As an Italian american I LOVE Rocky I have never seen that one because when I heard Adrian died I just couldn't watch it!! I literally would have died for my ex she dumped me out of the blue. I have been coming to LS for like 6 months now I read a lot of my old posts and I have seen the ups and downs. I went from crushed to completely happy thinking I was over her back to being heartbroken. I fell back into her trap and let her play head games with me. She made me feel like she made a huge mistake and she wasn't thinking clearly. She made me feel like she wanted me back and we were getting back together and then I found out she had a boyfriend that she has had for months(meanwhile telling me that the though of any man makes her sick right now) my ex could have won an emmy or oscar or whatever the acting award is. In hindsight she was using some kind of push pull technique. As I look back its textbook she must have read something somewhere on how to suck a guy back in and it worked. All it did to me was set me back to day one and I let it happen. MY fault!! See I am 38 ex is 29 she is drop dead gorgeous she is smart funny and she was so giving even up till the last day where she dumped me. I used to look at her and think how perfect she was and how lucky I was to have her. When I was in the getting her back stage I justified it by telling myself that I will never find someone like her. I made excuses for my behavior and I knew someday I would regret it and the day is here. I wish I hadn't given her the satisfaction but I did. Oh well water under the bridge. Recently in the last week or so she has been trying to play this game with me again. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. I haven't responded to her I am not going to I do still love her more than anything but I know that I have to let her go because I do feel that she has too many issues to work on. It really sucks letting someone that you love so much go but I have to or I will be miserable the rest of my life.
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