spinaroonie Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Been seeing a 22 year old college girl for a few months now. Met her on a day game cold approach on campus. We've been out on six dates. We usually see each other every other week on a Friday/Saturday night - I pick her up from her home, we head out for dinner/dessert/bar/club, and then have a few drinks back at my place, watch some DVDs and have sex. Had sex on 3rd, 4th, and 5th date. Prior to last night, the last time we hung out was a week ago when my buddy was having a farewell party and I introduced her to some of my friends. Last night we go out for dinner and dessert. Come back to my place to watch TV. After the show's done she pulls the classic "I'm not having sex tonight, I'm not in the mood". When I ask her why she says "I don't know." This throws me for a loop as in the past she's always been DTF with no LMR. I take this for token LMR, so I put on some Bossa Nova music, kiss her for a bit and a few songs we both have our tops off. I pick her up, move her to the bedroom and throw her onto my bed. As I kiss her and move towards taking her pants off she says "no, not having sex." I told her I wasn't going to force her into doing something she wanted to do, but if there's something she wanted to say then let it out. She said she wasn't good at expressing her feelings and remained mum. So I didn't push it any further, just stroked her for a bit and she cuddled next to me, and later we got up and I drove her home. What's happening here? This girl is an interesting case. She's easygoing and pleasant and generally down for anything I want to do. We almost always split the bill so I'm not spending money on her. When I call her (usually once a week), she always picks up, we have a conversation and when I propose a date she's always down - never flakes. Yet she never initiates texts or phone calls herself. I get that she's a bit of an introvert, maybe a little socially awkward and lives at home with her parents - but cute nonetheless. She's also very restrained about showing physical affection, even while making out. Yet she's always down for anything I say or do, and when I initiate physical contact she never resists. Last night was the first time she showed any objection to sex. I'm not sure what to make of all this. Thoughts?
chryssy83 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Maybe she really just wasn't in the mood. Or she was on her period. Or didn't shave. Or is having a "fat day" or wearing something she's not comfortable in or....who knows? Sometimes girls just aren't in the mood. It might not mean anything major.
lululucy Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 My guess is period, since you had sex on third date which would have been three weeks previous, it would line up with not having sex on the second. Don't read so much into this.
Author spinaroonie Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 My guess is period, since you had sex on third date which would have been three weeks previous, it would line up with not having sex on the second. Don't read so much into this. Then she could've just told me that, I would've been fine. To clarify, those six dates were spread out over 3 months. The last time I saw her prior to last night was a week ago and we had sex that Friday night.
chryssy83 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 She doesn't know you very well...she doesn't want to talk to you about her period. ETA: Or worse, if she doesn't want to have sex while she's on her period, she doesn't want to say so and then have you push for it anyway. Like if it doesn't matter to you it shouldn't matter to her. Ugh.
stillafool Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I think she wants more from you and is reluctant to let you know. She probably wants more contact and she's starting to feel like a FWB. Maybe she wants you to ask her to be your girl (one and only). She is probably wondering "where is this all going?"
colliejoanie Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Yeah, if she's an introvert, lives with her parents, isn't really touchy feely, etc. etc. She is NOT going to say anything about being on her period. Just see how she acts next time.....If she's back to normal, you have your answer and will just have to get to know her better in order for her to feel comfortable telling you WHY she isn't in the mood. But as another poster said, if you're ok with having sex while she's on her period, you're going to have to be the one to bring that up......I, at 36 STILL am embarrassed about that.
Author spinaroonie Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 I think she wants more from you and is reluctant to let you know. She probably wants more contact and she's starting to feel like a FWB. Maybe she wants you to ask her to be your girl (one and only). She is probably wondering "where is this all going?" She could make the effort to initate texts/phone calls. She could make the effort to show more affection. If she's wondering "where's this all going?" she could just say it, rather than remaining tight-lipped when I ask her what's on her mind.
snug.bunny Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Is this the same girl from this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t311244/ If so, maybe she's not really feeling an "emotional" connection to you if this is what your love making sessions have consisted of. Then again, you said she likes it rough so who knows.
carhill Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Have you met her parents and observed her interactions with them? Family dynamics often provide clues for 'why', especially at that age with someone who's never lived on her own. Only way to know for sure 'why' is to have a conversation with her about it. "She said she wasn't good at expressing her feelings and remained mum." Canary. See what's up with the family.
Author spinaroonie Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 Have you met her parents and observed her interactions with them? Family dynamics often provide clues for 'why', especially at that age with someone who's never lived on her own. Only way to know for sure 'why' is to have a conversation with her about it. "She said she wasn't good at expressing her feelings and remained mum." Canary. See what's up with the family. Not sure, haven't met her parents yet but she seems to come from a stable family - her parents are retired and still married. Actually when I went to go pick her up once she was taking a while to get ready, and asked if I wanted to come inside for a bit. I told her I'd wait in the car. This was only on our 4th date, however. Wasn't ready to meet the folks just yet...
Author spinaroonie Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 So I messaged a buddy of mine who's good with the ladies about this, this is what he had to say: "It's the classic push-pull. This isn't anti-slut defence because you've already had sex with her. It's not the same as last minute resistance on a first sexual encounter, it's a totally different phenomenon. She's subconsciously trying to get you addicted to her so that you can become betaized. The way it works is she gives you lots of sex, then suddenly resists, in an attempt to get you needy for it, then resumes giving you sex as she can't stop it for too long or you'll leave. She has to give you 'just enough' sex. Her goal is to never give 'too much' that you are always satisfied. Most guys are always stressing over this stuff because they think there is some logical 'reason' for it. There isn't. She's just following an automatic program. She's super obvious about it too. The fact that you're writing about it shows how effective it is. She needs to give you that little bit of frustration. It's a strategy to get you attached to her. Women are amazing creatures aren't they? That clever manipulation is written into their DNA. " Thoughts on his view?
Andy_K Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 It's the textbook PUA response. Nothing more or less. The world is your mirror... when all you live for is figuring out what buttons get sex and attraction, pretty soon you'll see everyone else's behaviour through the same lens. When a girl is really into you (and has a decent sex drive), she'll bonk your brains out at every opportunity. You need her to feel connected to you on three levels - physical, mental, & emotional. you have to win her head, heart, and body. If you're missing one of the three, the others will pull back sooner or later. It's the same reason you'll feel less loving & affectionate towards a girl who doesn't keep you happy in bed. If the physical isn't there, you withdraw the other two. If the mental or emotional isn't there, she'll withdraw the rest. Or she could just not be a very sexual person, and she feels she's been with you long enough that she doesn't have to make the effort to always be in the mood any more.
carhill Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Automatic programming can be overridden. I'd be more concerned about her inability to have intimate adult conversations about feelings with the man she's having sex with.
musemaj11 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 (edited) Since you are not spending any money on her, its unethical that you expect sex from her whenever you want. This girl seems like a nice girl who isnt a gold digger. Treat her with respect. Edited January 8, 2012 by musemaj11
Ruby Slippers Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 We usually see each other every other week on a Friday/Saturday night - I pick her up from her home, we head out for dinner/dessert/bar/club, and then have a few drinks back at my place, watch some DVDs and have sex. Last night we go out for dinner and dessert. Come back to my place to watch TV. After the show's done she pulls the classic "I'm not having sex tonight, I'm not in the mood". The only thing I can think of is that your date routine is probably getting stale. You go out, you watch TV, and then you have sex. Monotony gets... monotonous. There's no romance and fun here. It's the same old same old. Take her out to do something different -- different place, different day, different time, different vibe. I bet you $100 that if you mix it up a little, she'll be jumping on you later.
carhill Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 OP, has the young lady you've been dating for 'a few months' ever proactively planned a date?
dasein Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Many possibilities: 1. She could feel the relationship is one-sided and is attempting to assert control. She may be attempting to deal with feelings that you are using her. 2. Could be her period or some other physical issue she isn't comfortable bringing up yet. 3. May not enjoy sex, despite what media tells us, there are lots of people out there who don't enjoy sex that much. Or she may not have enjoyed previous sex with you. 4. She could have received "slow down" advice from friends, family or even here on LS or some other forum. 5. Could be an emotional issue she is not comfortable discussing; could be something that has happened IRL she doesn't want to talk about. 6. There could be another man in the picture; if she is average or above in attractiveness, rest assured she is being approached by other men. Those are some, there are other possibilities. Wouldn't make too much of it, but if it continues without her being willing to discuss, agree with carhill.
eerie_reverie Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Do you even care about her, or is it all about the conquest for you?
Eddie Edirol Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I cant believe no one picked up on this. Hey spin, your lil lady mnight not be very physically attracted to you, since she isnt very affectionate. She also might be afraid to show any PDA if you havent initiated it. I agree that she might think she is a booty call in your mind. The way youve been treating her, you havent been very romantic or spontaneous. Youve been so predictable and shes lost interest in sex when she can se it coming. You made a routine, go out, back to your place, watch tv, go have sex. If she can see sex coming, and she doesnt think its that good, of COURSE shes not going to be in the mood. So what you need to do is hang around her sme more, but DO NOT initiate sex. be affectionate, but show her you dont need sex, and that youre serious about her. Now if youre not serious about her, you'll have to do some serious acting to convince her to bang you again...so far you havent done that.
O'Malley Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Have you told her that you'd enjoy hearing from her more? You're having sex, but there doesn't seem to be any real progression of intimacy occurring. You're both going through the motions of what you think you should be doing, but I don't get a sense that you're really becoming acquainted at all. If she's introverted, she's going to need more (non sexual) time with you to truly open up. As RS said, you're sinking into a routine where there's no courtship or good communication occurring. There's also the possibility that she was put off when you didn't want to come inside her home, and that she has doubts that you're on the same page as her as far as where you want things to head. It's time to shake things up a bit and see if your interaction changes.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 This girl is an interesting case. She's easygoing and pleasant and generally down for anything I want to do. We almost always split the bill so I'm not spending money on her. When I call her (usually once a week), she always picks up, we have a conversation and when I propose a date she's always down - never flakes. Yet she never initiates texts or phone calls herself. I get that she's a bit of an introvert, maybe a little socially awkward and lives at home with her parents - but cute nonetheless. She's also very restrained about showing physical affection, even while making out. Yet she's always down for anything I say or do, and when I initiate physical contact she never resists. Last night was the first time she showed any objection to sex. I'm not sure what to make of all this. Thoughts? Yeah, a lot of good questions have been raised. Your involvement with her just sounds kind of blah. What do you want out of this relationship? Just sex? The girlfriend experience without a commitment? A lasting relationship? I think the advice I gave above, about mixing up what you do with her, will help in any of the above cases. But beyond the immediate future, it will be good to define your goal, so you can come up with the best next steps to take to get what you want.
Feelsgoodman Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Is that the same "doesn't orgasm/feels sore" gal you posted about previously? Maybe she has come to the realization that she doesn't enjoy having sex with you. Sometimes the simplest explanation is the most accurate.
carhill Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 If it is, and I apologize for not checking more thoroughly, *and* the statement below from that thread is accurate, then my canary about family is choking a bit more right now: "A girl I'm banging now admits to rarely cumming/orgasming from sex. Ever - not just with me. Last time we had sex I wrapped it up and we tried missionary, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl and back to missionary. She likes it rough so there was some hair pulling and mild choking"
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 OP: Please hear me. I am always picking on you because I am so embarrassed and horrified by your absolute devotion to all things PUA. Can you let go of all of that for a while and just be a normal guy, getting to know a girl who you evidently like? The girl is functioning as a "FWB" with you (or as you term it, she is your "source" for "punani"). The sex is not satisfying or probably even enjoyable for her. How come you think she "likes it rough," anyway? You've said that she is not comfortable discussing such things, and the two of you barely know each other. Besides the sub-par sex, you guys are not going anywhere with your relationship. If she has basic intuition, she has GOT to have the sense that there is something not quite right about the thing you two have going. But, she evidently must like you, or she would not waste her time with you or continue to endure the unpleasant sex. If your only goal is to maintain your "source," you better get busy figuring out how to make yourself a good source of pleasure for her. If you like her and want to have more than an FWB deal with her, it's probably time to be brave and go for it.
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