Casablanca Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Okay, it is hard to fit this question into the subject line so I'll expand here. If you start dating someone, how long will you go out with them if you don't feel some sort of spark or romantic attraction, but you find them attractive and you enjoy talking with them? I met this girl during NYE, we talked (probably for a couple hours that night), I was a little on the fence if we might have any romantic chemistry, but I liked talking with her and she's attractive, so I asked her out. We went out last night, and I had fun, but that's about it (for me) As far as I am concerned we've had two "dates" (with how much we talked on NYE), we're going out this Friday and for me, if I don't feel any kind of romantic spark that will most likely be the last time I go out with her. So my question, for most of those on LS, is 3 dates enough to determine if there is going to be a spark or not for you? I think I already know my answer, but it is so hard for me to just turn away someone who not only do I find attractive, but I like talking with them...
carhill Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 If the interactions are focused (as an example, going to a movie really doesn't focus energy and attention on each other), my timeline for a heretofore stranger is about one month of weekly dates. I would say most women I've met and dated in life have a somewhat shorter timeline. Perhaps they're used to a more immediate 'spark' with someone; in my case perhaps I give too long a 'benefit of the doubt'. Hard to know.
Emilia Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 2 dates max. I usually know after 1 date whether I want to sleep with someone or not (hell, I know within a few minutes of meeting him more often than not) but probably wouldn't go beyond 2 dates. If I can't find the passion to kiss him by then it ain't gonna happen.
westrock Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 (edited) What does "spark" mean to you? For some people it means a feeling of challenge, for some it means drama, for some it means easy going, for some it means butterflies in our stomach, for others it means something else. Sometimes spark is overrated because people can easily misunderstand certain feelings as a spark. Sometimes there is a "spark" and we recognize it right way but also other times we don't recongize it was there until days or even weeks later. Othertimes, people feel something exciting and call it a "spark" but the person has qualities that would not make them a good partner for us. In this situation she spoke with you for hours on the first night. Sounds like there was no challenge, no drama -- for some that would sound boring, but it's actually a good sign. Were the two of you flirting? Instead of looking for a "spark" so soon, ask yourself: do you like talking with her (yes), do you find her attractive (yes), do you have fun (yes), were the two of you flirting, does she have relationship qualities that you are looking for, have you been thinking about her, do you want to see her again, can you possibly see yourself in a relationship with her, do you feel physically attracted? If you can answer yes to those questions, then there may actually be that spark you are looking for, but you may not recognize it just yet (depending on what spark means to you). How long should you go? Some people want a instant spark in the first 1 minute, others like Carhill are willing to wait a while. Ideally, you should go as long as it takes until you can determine whether or not you want a relationship with the person. Edited January 8, 2012 by westrock
carhill Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 What does "spark" mean to you? IME, it's an intrinsic spiritual and emotional desire to be in a particular person's space and company and to interact with them. When feeling such desire, I note that surroundings tend to blur (not literally but figuratively) and my sensitivity to them is generally lessened. A classic description might be 'our eyes met and it was like no one else in the room existed'. For myself, that rarely happens upon first meeting (only has happened twice in my 52) but can develop after some interaction (more common). YMMV.
Author Casablanca Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 Instead of looking for a "spark" so soon, ask yourself: do you like talking with her (yes), do you find her attractive (yes), do you have fun (yes), were the two of you flirting, does she have relationship qualities that you are looking for, have you been thinking about her, do you want to see her again, can you possibly see yourself in a relationship with her, do you feel physically attracted? If you can answer yes to those questions, then there may actually be that spark you are looking for, but you may not recognize it just yet (depending on what spark means to you). I can answer yes to those questions and by spark I like carhill's description. Sometimes everything looks great on paper, but the interaction/chemistry isnt there. I don't expect it right away , and I can give it a little bit of time. I can also answer yes to almost all of those questions when talking about my friends with whom I'm closest to.
somedude81 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I find this thread really funny, especially coming from a guy. I have never been out with a girl I didn't feel a spark for. Why? Because I prefer to get to know somebody first before I ask them out. But apparently I'm the one who's doing it wrong.
Author Casablanca Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 I find this thread really funny, especially coming from a guy. I have never been out with a girl I didn't feel a spark for. Why? Because I prefer to get to know somebody first before I ask them out. But apparently I'm the one who's doing it wrong. No one said you're doing it wrong, and sometimes it works to where you can get to know someone before going out with them, but if you meet someone for what will probably be the only time, you gotta make a move and go
somedude81 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 No one said you're doing it wrong, and sometimes it works to where you can get to know someone before going out with them, but if you meet someone for what will probably be the only time, you gotta make a move and go Everybody said I was doing it wrong by not asking out girls right away. That's why this thread was interesting because it's basically what I'd expect to happen if I asked out a girl I didn't know. Though I do understand you wanting to ask her out if you don't think that you'll see her again later on.
carhill Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I have never been out with a girl I didn't feel a spark for. Why? Because I prefer to get to know somebody first before I ask them out. But apparently I'm the one who's doing it wrong. I see it less as 'wrong' and more as your 'style'. Let's go with that. Say you are out and meet a lady at a wedding reception. You've never seen her before. You ask her to dance. You enjoy the dance and share some small talk. Can you envision 'asking her out' because you enjoyed your time with her in that small circumstance, or do you need to get to know her better before doing so? If the latter, can you envision it being OK to ask her out even if you don't know her better, simply because you enjoyed your time with her on the dance floor and making small talk? The circumstances are the same; the variable is your perspective and choice.
somedude81 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I see it less as 'wrong' and more as your 'style'. Let's go with that. Say you are out and meet a lady at a wedding reception. You've never seen her before. You ask her to dance. You enjoy the dance and share some small talk. Can you envision 'asking her out' because you enjoyed your time with her in that small circumstance, or do you need to get to know her better before doing so? If the latter, can you envision it being OK to ask her out even if you don't know her better, simply because you enjoyed your time with her on the dance floor and making small talk? The circumstances are the same; the variable is your perspective and choice. No, I cannot envision asking out somebody I met at a reception. Unless she displayed some really obvious signs of interest to me, I would have no desire to see her again, no matter how attractive she was. The exception would be that during our short conversation I find out that we share hobbies or interests, then I might want to see her again. But that stuff usually doesn't come up in the first conversation.
carhill Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Is that perspective immutable and the style set in stone? I ask because I used to think that way too. Like yourself, I found myself having few dates and no long term relationships until well into my 30's, missing out on a lot of quality life experience in that regard simply because of my own choice of style. I altered it a bit, becoming more flexible, and enjoyed more success as a result. The flexibility was becoming more open to 'potential' rather than being transfixed on the 'now'. Another way of looking at it would be comparing 'color' to 'black and white'. The latter is much more limiting in scope of realization. No doubt, with your style, you will meet compatible ladies. IME, that subset will be demographically much smaller than with a more 'colorful' style. If you live where there is a large population, more compatible potentials are possible.
somedude81 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Hmm, it's something to consider. Thanks Santa.
Author Casablanca Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 No, I cannot envision asking out somebody I met at a reception. Unless she displayed some really obvious signs of interest to me, I would have no desire to see her again, no matter how attractive she was. The exception would be that during our short conversation I find out that we share hobbies or interests, then I might want to see her again. But that stuff usually doesn't come up in the first conversation. I'd put more stock in chemistry than exact hobbies....hobbies can be "learned"..or at least I like finding new hobbies and enjoy when a partner can teach me new things.
Jessica45 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I find this thread really funny, especially coming from a guy. I have never been out with a girl I didn't feel a spark for. Why? Because I prefer to get to know somebody first before I ask them out. But apparently I'm the one who's doing it wrong. I feel the same way, only coming from the other side. If I don't feel a spark for a guy, I won't date him. I also prefer to get to know someone before dating.
somedude81 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Meant to add this to my previous post but can't edit. Honestly, what I think may be holding me up is that I'm looking for my ideal girlfriend and I don't want to go out with somebody who doesn't match that. Unfortunately the girls who have met those qualifications, weren't interested in me, which obviously left me in a rut. I'd put more stock in chemistry than exact hobbies....hobbies can be "learned"..or at least I like finding new hobbies and enjoy when a partner can teach me new things. Not exactly what I meant. I was more focused on interests and I guess passions. A girl who loves to salsa or ballroom dance is more appealing to me than one who has never done it. It also makes the early dates much easier to plan and do something that both people would enjoy. And through stuff like that, chemistry just happens for me. If I'm attracted to her, we have fun together, and share interests and hobbies, I'll fall for her with enough time spent together, guaranteed.
colliejoanie Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I think you should go on the scheduled date.....see how it feels.....if there's no spark on your end I wouldn't make another date. As Emilie said, for most women they decide in the first few seconds whether or not they want to sleep with a man. If your date has already had that spark, and you haven't, it would be unfair to string her along (even though I know that's not your intention). However, I am not a guy and I don't know if these things occur over time......as a woman, if the spark isn't there from the beginning, it generally won't appear later.
jobaba Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I can answer yes to those questions and by spark I like carhill's description. Sometimes everything looks great on paper, but the interaction/chemistry isnt there. I don't expect it right away , and I can give it a little bit of time. I can also answer yes to almost all of those questions when talking about my friends with whom I'm closest to. I don't rely on my gut instincts and emotional indicators to tell me which woman is right for me. If I did, I'd probably have several restraining orders against me. :love:
soulm8 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I have usually made up my mind after the second date. I have to "feel" somewhat attracted to accept a date in the first place, so if the "spark" (aka intrigue) decreases instead of increasing... I don't want to waste our time.
CambridgeGirl Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 1 date, if after an hour or two of quiet study and consideration I feel nothing, it is unlikely for me personally to change to attraction, unless we are friends who will keep seeing each other naturally, aka work. If a date straight from the open field, I am likely to not bother. This question is however difficult to answer because everybodies idea of spark is different. My initial rockets have to be launched by that age old DNA driven urge of lust towards my visual preferences, but then the second launchers have to include a strong personality match. For other people this order is completely different. All quite subjective therefore.
Imajerk17 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 This is interesting. So ladies, what you're saying is that you feel something within the first few minutes (i.e., enough time to take in his overall 'vibe') or likely it won't appear for you? Not judging, just appreciating the insight. Especially because there is some difference between that, and what I thought. I thought attraction was made or broken in the overall conversation over the course of a date.
curlygirl40 Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 Guys have to grow on me sometimes. At least after the first date I have to feel like the conversation flowed and they had my attention and as long as I had that I would go out with him again to see what developed. The guy that I was the most crazy about this year, we met OLD. After the first date I thought to myself that I had a good time and he was easy to talk to and made me laugh a lot. I wasn't sure if there was a physical attraction or not. Enough to see him again though. We didn't kiss until the 4th date but then once we did I knew there was a ton of chemistry, but until we kissed I felt more of a friend vibe with him. Strange. I really liked him as a person and he kept me laughing so that was enough to keep my attention on the 3 dates and our texting/phone calls in between. So I guess I would say 3-4 dates. Is it possible that you won't feel the click until you kiss?
curlygirl40 Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 This is interesting. So ladies, what you're saying is that you feel something within the first few minutes (i.e., enough time to take in his overall 'vibe') or likely it won't appear for you? Not judging, just appreciating the insight. Especially because there is some difference between that, and what I thought. I thought attraction was made or broken in the overall conversation over the course of a date. With me, I'm not sure if there's a hard and fast rule that I will always follow. I find it varies. I met one guy from Match who I immediately felt attracted to, but then the conversation during dinner turned me off and I decided I wouldn't want to see him again. He was very materialistic and shallow and didn't speak nicely at all about his ex. They fought for 3 years, delaying the divorce, over the house. Then he said 'In the end, I just let her have it so our kids could stay in the house too. I'll build a bigger and better one'. Blech. Next. I lost my attraction to him. Then there was another guy from Match who I wasn't sure about, until he got up from the table and walked over and planted a kiss on me. I love a guy who takes charge like that and feels something and takes a chance. It was risky but it paid off. LOL For a couple of months anyway. And like I said in the other post, sometimes people grow on me and I can't tell right away but I will continue to see them as long as we are both having fun and there's something there. What I say most of the time is that it's not always possible for me to tell immediately if there WILL be chemistry, but oftentimes if there isn't chemistry I can feel it right away. Does that make sense?
Author Casablanca Posted January 9, 2012 Author Posted January 9, 2012 What I say most of the time is that it's not always possible for me to tell immediately if there WILL be chemistry, but oftentimes if there isn't chemistry I can feel it right away. Does that make sense? I think I get what you're saying...I think that is how I am. You can tell if there is definitely no chance, or you might not have instant chemistry with someone, but you can see potential. This is what it is for me at the moment with this girl...she has all the potential, but I should have a better idea by the end of the date if she's going to fulfill her potential.
Author Casablanca Posted January 12, 2012 Author Posted January 12, 2012 So since meeting the girl in question on NYE, I have met two women through OLD (met the last two nights) and I found myself much more interested in them than the original who I met at the party. I'm still going to go through with the date, but 99.99% at the end of the date I end up telling her I don't feel any romantic connection. I probably should make my cut off at 2 dates/encounters with someone. The two other ones I met, I felt a strong connection within minutes of talking with them and observing how they carry themselves. In all relationships other than one, I had quick and strong attraction to them within minutes of meeting them for the first time. The one case, it took till midway on the second date to stat to feel a strong attraction
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