Buttercup84 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 My ex was the sweetest my romantic man at first , but then he showed his ugly side. He spoke nicely about me at first and his friends seemed sweet . But I would often catch them talking badly about women , one of his older friends even egged him on to join a dating site while he was with me , which he then did . One of his friends was involved with not so legal things ( what exactly I never found out ) , and they often went out hunting in the country together , and my ex said they sometimes found " thugs " or whatever they were and tried to scare them off by shooting at them . They would be on the phone just bitching about other people and complaining . They were just the kind of rough , disrespectful people and my ex was just like that . Polite when he wanted to be , but he often liked to threaten other people , with letters , looks etc . So do you think you can tell what someone will be like by looking at their friends ? And yes , I was an idiot for staying with him.
TheFinalWord Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 "Birds of a feather, flock together." That just means people hang around people that are like them.
Emilia Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Hmmm, tricky. To a degree maybe but everyone has one annoying friend they met when they were 5 and don't want to shake off for the sake of childhood memories. Or another that did them one huge favour a while ago and they feel obligated. I'd say, you need to look at the whole group. Do the good guys outweigh the bad ones? Does he have a varied group of friends or are they all the same? Variety shows tolerance and good social skills (finding the voice with different types).
skelterhelter Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Hmmm, tricky. To a degree maybe but everyone has one annoying friend they met when they were 5 and don't want to shake off for the sake of childhood memories. Or another that did them one huge favour a while ago and they feel obligated. I'd say, you need to look at the whole group. Do the good guys outweigh the bad ones? Does he have a varied group of friends or are they all the same? Variety shows tolerance and good social skills (finding the voice with different types). Very good point. I also have friends of all different types. Some are loud, outgoing party types, and others are homebodies (like me). However, if someone tends to hang out with one type of person, it's safe to say that is the type they feel more comfortable around. Also, despite the personality difference, the one common denominator between my friends is that they are all good people with good intentions. If someone hangs out with a lot of druggies, liars, thieves and overall nasty people, I'd be a little worried.
aj22one Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Depends. There are guys I play ball with (flag football league, basketball, etc.) who might say or do stuff I don't agree with, but I play ball with them because they're good athletes that challenge my own abilities. Then there are other people that I hang with because I think they're good people that I enjoy spending time with. Everything is relative, you gotta just play it by ear. If something seems off, then it probably is. Otherwise, you can just let it play itself out.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 As you get older I think a mature man distances himself from associating from people of this quality. But that depends on the man, and immature man sticks around and isn't man enough to pull away on his own and lead his own path. Your friends say a lot about who you are, and it definitely is guilty by association. As far as a guy being sweet in the beginning, I would think most would...or would try at least for the sake of swooning you into bed, since as a woman you'll hold onto that brief moment and experience even if everything is going to hell around you.
carhill Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 So do you think you can tell what someone will be like by looking at their friends ? Friends and family tell all, IME. The work is learning to listen.
TheFinalWord Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Friends and family tell all, IME. The work is learning to listen. I agree. Some other people have mentioned friends they play ball with etc. I would see those as more casual acquaintances. I am thinking more along the line of close friends as in spending a lot of time together. People aren't going to spend a bunch of time around people that don't generally think like they do.
carhill Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Friends aren't necessarily clones, but there is synergistic interaction and basic philosophical agreement, even if disagreement on various particular subjects. Family is family, but one can listen and learn a lot about *how* family interacts. Such is a large portion of a person's 'style' of interacting with intimates. If there are constant knock-down, drag-outs or stoic silences, as examples, those are a 'style' of interaction. One has choices in how and with whom they interact, even wrt family. In my case, those who break bread at my table (and I at theirs) are a great indicator of whom I value in life and feel connected to. A woman could easily judge my character and that of my friends by one or a few such breakings. We don't hide anything.
TheFinalWord Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Friends aren't necessarily clones, but there is synergistic interaction and basic philosophical agreement, even if disagreement on various particular subjects. Family is family, but one can listen and learn a lot about *how* family interacts. Such is a large portion of a person's 'style' of interacting with intimates. If there are constant knock-down, drag-outs or stoic silences, as examples, those are a 'style' of interaction. One has choices in how and with whom they interact, even wrt family. In my case, those who break bread at my table (and I at theirs) are a great indicator of whom I value in life and feel connected to. A woman could easily judge my character and that of my friends by one or a few such breakings. We don't hide anything. You seem to have a lot of knowledge on this topic. Do you think people's basic character can be judged by the company they keep?
aj22one Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 (edited) I agree. Some other people have mentioned friends they play ball with etc. I would see those as more casual acquaintances. I am thinking more along the line of close friends as in spending a lot of time together. People aren't going to spend a bunch of time around people that don't generally think like they do. Yeah true. I only mentioned playing ball because I tend to categorize my friends: guys I ball with, people I like to see movies with, people who like to go see a game, people who like to go to a big academic convention, people who throw big parties where you can meet people, etc. There are very few people that I consider "close friends" who would fit into all or most of those categories, and yeah those people do generally reflect my own views and opinions. Not on everything mind you, but on many things. Another thing I'll point out too though is that you can't ever really everything about your friends. I've known people who I thought were great guys but who turned out to be pretty lousy. I dropped them of course, but I would have hated for someone to think that because I used to hang with them that I approved of their behavior even though I wasn't aware of it. Edited January 8, 2012 by aj22one
carhill Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 (edited) You seem to have a lot of knowledge on this topic. Do you think people's basic character can be judged by the company they keep? So far, with extensive historical use of 'giving the benefit of the doubt', and perusing the results retrospectively, it has proven to be quite true in my life experience, both personally and in my business life. ETA an important component of 'why', that being each person we choose to 'keep company with' is exactly that, a choice. No guns are held to head and threats of death made. We freely choose, even with 'family'. Our choices reflect who we are. Edited January 8, 2012 by carhill
Casablanca Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 "Birds of a feather, flock together." That just means people hang around people that are like them. I agree with this...every group may have an idiot, but if the whole flock is a bunch of idiots, well...you can figure it out
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 It doesn't matter if they knew the friend since childhood or recently met them. If your SO hangs with that friend too much then that friend's influence rubs off. Never date a person who has a close friendship with negative people.
kaylan Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 OP, you dated someone who shot at people? Wow...huge red flag...I personally do judge someone by the company they keep, and sometimes by the people they have dated if those people had the huge red flags your ex did. To me it says a lot about them to be able to date someone so negative.
Tybalt Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 I agree with carhill and others who suggest that the other relationships in a partner or potential partner's life hold a great deal of information. It is important to me to surround myself with people who share my core values, and who are a nurturing, positive influence in my life, and with whom I have comfortable and peaceable interactions. I like to see that in a potential partner as well. If the person has made it a point to choose solid, enriching relationships that are full of healthy interaction, I anticipate the chances of having a similar dynamic in our relationship rise, as it is clearly their mode and preference.
Author Buttercup84 Posted January 9, 2012 Author Posted January 9, 2012 OP, you dated someone who shot at people? Wow...huge red flag...I personally do judge someone by the company they keep, and sometimes by the people they have dated if those people had the huge red flags your ex did. To me it says a lot about them to be able to date someone so negative. He only showed those sides late in the relationship , he was emotionally abusive and ****ed my mind up . I'm going to therapy now , yeah people might judge me because I dated him , and I'm doing something to change the person I used to be . I'm not proud of it .
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