thatone Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 here's the thing...i'm bored and feeling philosophical so here's my dissertation on casual flings and why they're always short lived for me... there's a girl i picked up last week in my neighborhood bar sleeping in my bed right now. smart, witty, same tastes in various things, etc. we're even in similar situations in life, her recently rid of an ex husband and just looking for casual sex and conversation, me just needing a fling to keep me occupied until i sell my house and move. sex was good the first time around, but it had been a few months for me, i got used for attention by the last girl i saw potential with, and when i wasn't happy with paying for her entertainment and giving her said attention for nothing in return indefinitely i put my foot down, she walked. so i resigned myself to be the stereotypical bar fly type for awhile. i have my needs after all, needs that got neglected/abused by a self absorbed brat for a few months. and it's not hard, we all know that. if you got bullsh*t, are well dressed, and confident, you can get laid in a bar. but honestly, it's draining. the reason those guys women meet in bars and throw themselves at constantly find new prey is that they have to. the game is fun, the flirting, the exchanging phone numbers, the witty banter. but when you turn that into a sex arrangement the game is over, there's no more fun in it. you have to go find another one to get the game back. hell, i couldn't even finish myself with the girl upstairs tonight. of course she had a great time, i had the hard on that wouldn't go away. she went down on me after her 2 orgasms to the point that she finally said her jaw got sore, at which point i gave up. and trust me she knows the technique, it's not that she's bad in bed. this isn't her first fling either, by any means. i waited for her to go to sleep and went downstairs to return missed phone calls. now i'm out of people to call this late at night so off to LS i go. don't get me wrong, i was excited when she texted me on her way out of work, hopped right in the shower and got ready for her to get here. i was thinking about calling her all day before she texted me, actually. but the thrill was gone as soon as she walked through the door. when the anticipation is over with it's just...meh...don't care. figured someone might get some use out of my thoughts, so there ya go .
kaylan Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 if you got bullsh*t, are well dressed, and confident, you can get laid in a bar. ^This. This. This. That is very true. Its not rocket science and more guys should know this. Now regarding the rest of your post. I have been feeling that way for a while. Its so rare that I meet a girl I actually want to be with...so in the meantime I do the dating chase thing and its fun. But sometimes after I hook up with a girl, I feel unsatisfied. I ask myself "ok is that it?" Its like I really enjoy sex..and I love the chase, the anticipation, the way my heart raises when Im having those first moments with someone...but afterwords I can feel so unsatisfied. Tbh, the only time I feel super content after sex, and not left wondering why I am screwing around with a particular girl, is when I actually have feelings for her. Its a shame really. Because my hormones, and partly my ego, push me to want to hook up...but then I can feel that what I did was pointless after. The thrill only has remained with girls I felt connected to in some way. And to me, it feels so sh!!ty to not feel anything when the sex is over...I am just laying there thinking "this is so empty and useless...why do I do it...I love this cat and mouse game...and I have to eat the mouse to feel satisfied...but after I do...why am I not content...why do I go chase again. Thats just me though. Im trying to relate. I know what my personal issue is. Im just torn between hormones and emotions. O wells brah. Maybe you want to find a nice lady too? Sometimes casual stuff just becomes empty feeling and ya gotta move on.
joeyanna Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Okay, can I ask a question as we're talking about casual hookups? What if a guy has been texting and calling you for months and has been VERY flirty (think you get my drift) then you finally meet, just a coffee, not a date, you both enjoy it, he's says he wants to meet again, carries on being flirty (ie saying what he will do to you when you meet again) but fails to make any arrangements. What's that about??
Jynxx Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I threw up a little in my mouth when reading the op. Jeezes. -if you think dressing well and being confident is enough to pick someone up at a bar, you're either FOS or unaware of how attraction works, most likely both. -if you don't enjoy sex with someone, stop seeing her. -if you haven't figured out having a girl sleep in your bed after terrible sex is a bad idea, I feel bad for you. -if you feel bored/drained/empty, sort that out first. Going to pick up a girl is unrelated to it imo. -if you enjoy the chase more than the girl, then that's actually pretty normal.
Taramere Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 here's the thing...i'm bored and feeling philosophical so here's my dissertation on casual flings and why they're always short lived for me... there's a girl i picked up last week in my neighborhood bar sleeping in my bed right now. smart, witty, same tastes in various things, etc. we're even in similar situations in life, her recently rid of an ex husband and just looking for casual sex and conversation, me just needing a fling to keep me occupied until i sell my house and move. sex was good the first time around, but it had been a few months for me, i got used for attention by the last girl i saw potential with, and when i wasn't happy with paying for her entertainment and giving her said attention for nothing in return indefinitely i put my foot down, she walked. so i resigned myself to be the stereotypical bar fly type for awhile. i have my needs after all, needs that got neglected/abused by a self absorbed brat for a few months. and it's not hard, we all know that. if you got bullsh*t, are well dressed, and confident, you can get laid in a bar. but honestly, it's draining. the reason those guys women meet in bars and throw themselves at constantly find new prey is that they have to. the game is fun, the flirting, the exchanging phone numbers, the witty banter. but when you turn that into a sex arrangement the game is over, there's no more fun in it. you have to go find another one to get the game back. hell, i couldn't even finish myself with the girl upstairs tonight. of course she had a great time, i had the hard on that wouldn't go away. she went down on me after her 2 orgasms to the point that she finally said her jaw got sore, at which point i gave up. and trust me she knows the technique, it's not that she's bad in bed. this isn't her first fling either, by any means. i waited for her to go to sleep and went downstairs to return missed phone calls. now i'm out of people to call this late at night so off to LS i go. don't get me wrong, i was excited when she texted me on her way out of work, hopped right in the shower and got ready for her to get here. i was thinking about calling her all day before she texted me, actually. but the thrill was gone as soon as she walked through the door. when the anticipation is over with it's just...meh...don't care. figured someone might get some use out of my thoughts, so there ya go . I bolded three parts of your posts because I think they're probably particularly informative. You feel that paying attention to women is a one way process that you don't get anything out of. In the second bolded part there's a suggestion that there's something on your mind that resulted in you phoning everybody you could think of, running out of people to speak to (or talk at?) then you turned to Loveshack. The third bolded part reveals that you don't really know why you posted this on Loveshack. You don't have any particular questions from others. There's nothing to indicate that you are looking for feedback from other people. You think your post will be in some way useful to other people. Well in a sense it is in that it highlights a common human tendency to perceive oneself as altruistic and others as being on the take. That's an interpretation of relationships that probably most of us are tempted to use at times, and something that (for our own good) we should learn to challenge ourselves on. Consider this. Even in presenting a reason for talking about yourself at some length (which people generally enjoy doing) you've sought to put an altruistic spin on it. When we put altruistic spins on our behaviour, even in trivial examples like this one, we help to cement in our minds the notion that it's all a one-way street. That we're all giving, and others are all taking. We do ourselves very little good with that kind of thinking. What's the real reason for all those phone calls you made to friends and this post you made on LS? I get a sense of very mild depression from your post. I don't mean "you are clinically depressed". I just mean that it's generally a flat sounding post. Did you post this out of loneliness, or was it just a drunken ramble or is there a question you want to ask other people, but haven't quite formulated in your mind?
Rimer Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I wonder whats the problem you couldnt finish with the girl upstairs? No attraction after all or what is it? I had the same problem last time around my first after my ex it went on as long as she said she couldnt take it anymore as she was starting to get sore
Author thatone Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 (edited) ^This. This. This. That is very true. Its not rocket science and more guys should know this. Now regarding the rest of your post. I have been feeling that way for a while. Its so rare that I meet a girl I actually want to be with...so in the meantime I do the dating chase thing and its fun. But sometimes after I hook up with a girl, I feel unsatisfied. I ask myself "ok is that it?" Its like I really enjoy sex..and I love the chase, the anticipation, the way my heart raises when Im having those first moments with someone...but afterwords I can feel so unsatisfied. Tbh, the only time I feel super content after sex, and not left wondering why I am screwing around with a particular girl, is when I actually have feelings for her. Its a shame really. Because my hormones, and partly my ego, push me to want to hook up...but then I can feel that what I did was pointless after. The thrill only has remained with girls I felt connected to in some way. And to me, it feels so sh!!ty to not feel anything when the sex is over...I am just laying there thinking "this is so empty and useless...why do I do it...I love this cat and mouse game...and I have to eat the mouse to feel satisfied...but after I do...why am I not content...why do I go chase again. Thats just me though. Im trying to relate. I know what my personal issue is. Im just torn between hormones and emotions. O wells brah. Maybe you want to find a nice lady too? Sometimes casual stuff just becomes empty feeling and ya gotta move on. yeah, that's all pretty accurate. i suppose maybe part of this is just my situation. as i said i'm in the process of fixing my house up to sell. it's gonna take me a few months, but when that's done i'm leaving this town. and no one is gonna change my mind and make me stay. so any women i meet in the next few months are on borrowed time. there's a certainty that there's no future with anyone i meet locally for now. and i'm honest about that too, btw. I threw up a little in my mouth when reading the op. Jeezes. -if you think dressing well and being confident is enough to pick someone up at a bar, you're either FOS or unaware of how attraction works, most likely both. -if you don't enjoy sex with someone, stop seeing her. -if you haven't figured out having a girl sleep in your bed after terrible sex is a bad idea, I feel bad for you. -if you feel bored/drained/empty, sort that out first. Going to pick up a girl is unrelated to it imo. -if you enjoy the chase more than the girl, then that's actually pretty normal. 1) it really is, i don't know why you think it isn't. there are women who want casual sex as much as men, believe it or not. 2) it's not that simple, that was the point of the whole thing, you missed it. 3) versus what, throwing her out? it has nothing to do with her, it isn't her fault. 4) i really don't, i'm actually quite busy lately. 5) so normal that a lot of people never figure it out . I bolded three parts of your posts because I think they're probably particularly informative. You feel that paying attention to women is a one way process that you don't get anything out of. In the second bolded part there's a suggestion that there's something on your mind that resulted in you phoning everybody you could think of, running out of people to speak to (or talk at?) then you turned to Loveshack. The third bolded part reveals that you don't really know why you posted this on Loveshack. You don't have any particular questions from others. There's nothing to indicate that you are looking for feedback from other people. You think your post will be in some way useful to other people. Well in a sense it is in that it highlights a common human tendency to perceive oneself as altruistic and others as being on the take. That's an interpretation of relationships that probably most of us are tempted to use at times, and something that (for our own good) we should learn to challenge ourselves on. Consider this. Even in presenting a reason for talking about yourself at some length (which people generally enjoy doing) you've sought to put an altruistic spin on it. When we put altruistic spins on our behaviour, even in trivial examples like this one, we help to cement in our minds the notion that it's all a one-way street. That we're all giving, and others are all taking. We do ourselves very little good with that kind of thinking. What's the real reason for all those phone calls you made to friends and this post you made on LS? I get a sense of very mild depression from your post. I don't mean "you are clinically depressed". I just mean that it's generally a flat sounding post. Did you post this out of loneliness, or was it just a drunken ramble or is there a question you want to ask other people, but haven't quite formulated in your mind? it was more of a matter of talking to anyone but the woman here. to forget that she was here, to be honest. because as much as jynxx, for example, would love to think that i'm a terrible person, i'm not. i wouldn't invite her over for sex, then tell her she had to leave at 2 am. and as i said i wasn't reluctant before she got here, and i didn't really invite her, she invited herself i just had to say yes. no, i don't have any questions. just random thoughts i felt like typing out. nor do i expect answers. i am altruistic, by default. i'm used to treating people better than i'm treated in return, that's how i am. the only reason i point the finger at my last relationship is it deserved to be pointed. the thing with leading people on is you have to lie to them to do so, then you're not the altruistic one anymore, are you? as for the reasons? drunken ramble. and yeah, i'm not depressed per se, somewhat jaded maybe is how i would put it. and in general i think you're barking up the same tree as most male vs female debates on this forum just in a well spoken and roundabout way. yeah, relationships are one sided when one side is misleading the other to get what they want. whether that's a man misleading a woman for sex or a woman misleading a man for attention. neither is better or more noble than the other, they're the same. in fact in this case i pretty obviously backed off after seeing her outside of the bar we met in, it wasn't a ONS that night. we talked sober the next day, i pretty much spelled out that i was going to spend time with other friends instead of her and wanted no part of a relationship or dating situation with her, and she called me after the fact because she just wanted casual sex. so in a way i got used like women do, which is fine to be honest. i knew what i was getting into so she didn't do anything wrong. the difference is i'm not female so i don't feel a need to blame her for it as so many women need to blame men for every negative feeling they have . for example, i'm not going to go on a rant comparing her to the last two women i've been with like the last two women i've been with did to me. telling her that it's her fault that i'm not happy, because she's not like them. sounds pretty altruistic to me, compared to the alternative i've gotten lately. I wonder whats the problem you couldnt finish with the girl upstairs? No attraction after all or what is it? I had the same problem last time around my first after my ex it went on as long as she said she couldnt take it anymore as she was starting to get sore hasn't happened to me before. not a lack of attraction, like i said i was thinking about calling her when she called me and basically invited herself. my situation is pretty much the same as yours, although in mine i let myself be strung along without sex with the ex for a few months. this was the second time with this woman, the first time was fine, but that was more of just a release, than anything. mutual masturbation is the scenario that comes to mind. so yeah i would say very similar. Edited January 8, 2012 by thatone
Taramere Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 (edited) it was more of a matter of talking to anyone but the woman here. to forget that she was here, to be honest. because as much as jynxx, for example, would love to think that i'm a terrible person, i'm not. i wouldn't invite her over for sex, then tell her she had to leave at 2 am. and as i said i wasn't reluctant before she got here, and i didn't really invite her, she invited herself i just had to say yes. no, i don't have any questions. just random thoughts i felt like typing out. nor do i expect answers. i am altruistic, by default. i'm used to treating people better than i'm treated in return, that's how i am. the only reason i point the finger at my last relationship is it deserved to be pointed. the thing with leading people on is you have to lie to them to do so, then you're not the altruistic one anymore, are you? I use the word altruistic primarily because I have mixed feelings about the whole altruism thing. I think people often hold themselves back when they see themselves in an altruistic light. I don't mean you should start treating others like crap...and I agree that it would be completely wrong to boot out, at 2am, a sex partner who you didn't really want to spend the night sleeping next to. However, people don't necessarily bring much genuine happiness to themselves or to others with "altruism". I think it means far more to other people if the time you spend with them comes from a place of genuinely just enjoying spending time with them, than because you're being nice, or kind...or giving them the attention you think they want out of some sense of altruism. The alternative to the awkward sounding scenario you described would be to restrict sexual activity with people you don't want to spend too much time with to situations where there's an easy and not too embarrassing (for either of you) escape route. Or to restrict sexual activity to people you would actually be happy spend time with outside the context of sexual activity. It's up to you and your sex partners which route you go down...but I do think that if you've had sex with somebody and are then making late night calls to other people in an attempt to avoid further engaging with that person, that sounds like a pretty undesirable situation for everybody. For you, for the people you're speaking to in an attempt to avoid engaging with the woman...and for the woman herself. and in general i think you're barking up the same tree as most male vs female debates on this forum I don't really see this thread as a male v female debate. If you were a woman saying "I slept with this guy then didn't really want to be around him, but it seemed rude to kick him out...so I phoned up various people to avoid having to deal with him" I'd perceive it in the same way. It's your choice how you run your sex life. I suppose where other people come into it is that if you're making contact with them primarily as a means of escaping dealing with the woman you've just slept with. Maybe your friends don't mind you doing that? I don't think I'd be happy to get late night calls from a friend...not because they were particularly interested in talking to me, but because they wanted to avoid talking to somebody else. Is that not an issue for you, or for the friends you called? Edited January 8, 2012 by Taramere
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I've seen these types of posts many times from men (mainly on predominately male boards). Many guys get bored once the pursuit is over. I think the OP's problem is the pursuit was too easy. Maybe he should try meeting harder women. By that I mean rich women. Picking up a broke woman at a bar is easier than picking up a rich woman at a fancy restaurant. Perhaps the OP needs to start pursuing rich women to spice things up. He should challenge himself. If he gets a rich woman than not only does he have sex but she can pay for herself and sometimes pay for him too.
Emilia Posted January 9, 2012 Posted January 9, 2012 Yeah, this is the reason why I gave up ONS about 5 years ago and haven't had one since. I only sleep with men I like and with whom I can see at least some potential. I had one rule when I was more into casual sex: only one-offs with men I didn't want a relationship with. Otherwise by the second or third time I would have felt like you did in your original post. First time around the emptiness didn't creep in but I knew I wanted them out of my house - in the nicest possible way.
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