Getting over that first one is difficult (warning: sappy phrases within)

[HughHardcastle]

So I am sure some of you already know my story, and the reason I found myself on this site to begin with. I'll give you the short version:

 

This girl (We will call her Lucy in this story) gets hired at where I work in late September.

 

By early November I am head over heels for her, and feel that she may be into me as well.

 

I finally summon the courage to ask her if she wants to go out for some drinks on Saturday night (this was the first woman I have ever asked out in my life. Yes, I am 27 years old and just now trying this stuff. Mock if you must, but please be gentle).

 

That never happens. I try to make plans for a new night, and she invites me to a work related function, instead of the 1 on 1 date I wanted. Oww, my pride.

 

Flash forward to last night. We have our office Christmas party. I overhear her talking about the guy she went out on a date with on Thursday night, and how she really likes him ("Maria, my mighty heart is breaking").

 

So naturally, what happens next? Lucy, another co-worker (who we'll call Amanda), and myself go to Amanda's house for some drinks and conversation. The night goes alright, with Lucy talking about her old ex-boyfriend, and a little bit about the new one, all while I am sitting there choking down some terrible mixed drink (I am not a drinker, only do it to fit in).

 

And oh yeah, to make matters worse, these 2 women now know WAY too much personal information about me! I am one of those guys who, if you ask me a question about myself, I will always tell the truth, regardless of how embarrassing the truth might be. So, they know about the fact that I have never had a girlfriend, never been on a date, and even about my Dad being an alcoholic and how he died in 2009.

 

This post has really just turned into a "stream of consciousness" type of thing, but I just needed to vent. It feels good to write out these thoughts, instead of bottling them in.

 

I'm having trouble moving on now that I know Lucy is seeing someone else. I think the worst part of it is, I was convinced she wasn't interested in me because she was holding out hope of getting back together with an old boyfriend who is 3 states away. That wasn't the case. I wasn't good enough for her, for whatever reason, and now she's found someone that is.

 

And it's even harder for me to get over this because, where I live and work, I don't come into contact with many single, 20 something women. I don't exactly have a stable of friends who I can go out with on a Saturday night and approach women with. Or even just act as a support system.

 

She was like an oasis in the desert. And now I am back to wandering through the sand, blindly searching for someone. If I had a phone full of "prospects" that I could call up and try to initiate something with, it would be a lot easier. However, I do not. It's up to me to basically get through this alone, to gut it out and rid her from the deepest recesses of my mind and heart. Oh, I am sure that won't be a problem at all, since I see her 5 days a week at work.

 

I am not really looking for advice on how to "get over her". I know what needs to be done. I am mainly just wondering if any other guys (or girls, this isn't gender exclusive) have dealt with something like this? That first girl that you really thought you had feelings for, basically ripping your heart out of your chest and throwing it into a flaming dumpster. I was foolish to think that the first girl I ever asked out would fall madly in love with me, or even accept my invite for one date, but I'll chalk that up to inexperience.

 

If you've made it this far, I thank you for your patience.

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear of your experience and I know how it hurts. Thing to remember is that she would not have known of your feelings for her and therefore hasn't wilfully or knowingly 'ripped your heart out'. It's a pity you had no way of knowing before that she was interested in someone else. This kind of thing happens, we find out after we've emotionally invested in a crush on them. I know it's not easy to move on but it is a bit easier in some respects when you know for sure they want someone else.

 

You could now concentrate on building up your prospects with other women. You don't need to tell them so much. Contrary to what guys often believe, women cannot tell if you are a virgin. They might find you seemed a bit uncertain in bed (when it comes to that) but they still could not conclude you are a virgin. I can honestly tell you that I've slept with a guy who I could easily have thought was a virgin if it wasn't for the fact that he had birth children! So don't worry about that and no need to tell them.

 

Don't tell people intimate facts about your life generally until you know them well and feel you can trust them. There is nothing in what you've said to suggest that these women would betray your trust from that point of view.

 

Just get chatting to women by building little bridges - smile in passing, next time open the door, pass them something, help them with the coffee machine, say hello, joke, build a bridge from not knowing them at all to being casual mates who chat at the coffee machine. Then it's easier to build a real relationship. Assume nothing about their romantic status until they tell you this themselves. That way, you won't be building yourself up for disappointment when you find out they do have a boyfriend.

 

There is no reason why you shouldn't have just as good a chance with the girls as anyone else. Take the pressure off yourself, chat, have fun, and let them chase you a bit. It never hurts.

[tangerinetrees]

You are KILLING me!!!! Wanna give you a big hug right now!

I think we have all had some experience in unrequited love. It sucks....a lot.

I was so completely in love with a guy for almost a year before I could see the light of day again....and he was in a serious, committed relationship! And I knew and was sorta friends with his gorgeous, perfect girlfriend. Yet still....it took me that long to get over him!

At least you got the courage to ask her out. I think that's what really counts! You won't ever have to regret not having asked her out and wondering how things would have turned out.

I give you props for courage! Keep your chin up....

[kaylan]

Dude you have to have a thicker skin. Sure we all get down about girls, but you should get down on a girl you didnt even go on a date with and form any sort of connection with.

 

Go meet other girls. Once you do you will EASILY forget this gal. For crushes like this, you easily move past them if you didnt really build anything up with the girl emotionally. When you actually do hang out and connect with another woman, youll be asking yourself why you ever got so worked up about the first girl.

 

Work on making new buddies. Even if you have to do it online. I know everyone is not as out going as myself, so it can be hard for folks to make new friends out of the blue in public. Ive made buddies in bars before and turned them into friends by just making conversation on a night or two that I went out alone. I didnt want to keep myself inside since my friends had to study or work, so I made it a mission to go out, have fun, and make friends.

 

Give it a shot.

Edited January 8, 2012 by kaylan

[HughHardcastle]

Dude you have to have a thicker skin. Sure we all get down about girls, but you should get down on a girl you didnt even go on a date with and form any sort of connection with.

 

Go meet other girls. Once you do you will EASILY forget this gal. For crushes like this, you easily move past them if you didnt really build anything up with the girl emotionally. When you actually do hang out and connect with another woman, youll be asking yourself why you ever got so worked up about the first girl.

 

 

Oh, I was emotionally invested in this. That's just the type of person I am. If I get something in my head, or something going on in my life, it consumes me entirely. In the month or so between the time I thought I was falling for her (I can pinpoint the exact moment, what the weather was like, what song I was listening to, what clothes I was wearing, everything), and the night I finally got the courage to ask her out, I was a complete wreck. I would drive home from work after another day of not asking her out, and just completely chew myself out. I wasn't eating right (lost 10 pounds). I would wake up every 2 hours while attempting to get sleep. It was ridiculous. To say I was smitten would be a tremendous understatement.

 

This is what happens when you go 9840 days without ever really believing anyone could like you, or that you could like (possibly even love) anyone yourself. It probably didn't help that I apparently misread about a dozen signs that she was throwing my way, signs that made me think she was interested in me. Some people would say that she was leading me on. Perhaps I was doing that to myself?

 

I'm trying to move on though. I'll still probably start every day with her in my head. And while I will do my best to ignore her Facebook, I am sure I will peek every now and then to see if she's enjoying her life with the guy she picked over me.