eerie_reverie Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 (edited) W and I met in college, in the first class on the first day of school. It was love at first sight. We were in a Calculus class in a large auditorium-style classroom, and he climbed through the rows of seats to sit next to me. My diary entry for that day says, "I think I met the guy I'm gonna marry." It was blissful for the first year. I lost my virginity to him in his dorm room. We went caving and made love in a room full of clay. He taught me how to drive, how to ski. We talked about getting married after college and he always said he didn't think he'd ever find someone like me. Falling asleep in his twin-sized bed, we fit like puzzle pieces in each others' arms. He'd kiss my neck and whisper, "I love you more than anything." At age 19, I loved to fight. Making up was the best. In the second year, we started fighting. He wanted to play video games with his friends Friday nights, but I insisted if he cared about me, he'd be spending the night with me. At the least, he'd invite me. Our fights were terrible. I would be passive aggressively miserable until he'd ask what was wrong. Then, I would unleash my fury. "DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE TOGETHER," I would demand, to which he'd always reply, "Of course." I would storm out of his apartment crying and pretend to drive home. Then I'd storm back in and apologize. We'd make up, the part I loved the most. By year three, sometimes he'd say that he did want to break up when I questeioned him. We were on and off, though we talked on the phone every night, and neither of us dated anyone else. I was an emotional wreck that whole year. I cried every day and I started failing my classes. Then I got pregnant. I'd just turned 20. I had always wanted a child with him but I couldn't fathom having one now. We reiterated our commitment to each other, promising that we'd have kids later on. Then we had an abortion. He took me to the clinic and held my hand through the procedure. He drove me home, and fed me star-shaped pasta when I woke up. The few months following the abortion were another honeymoon phase for us. We were kind and gentle to each other, and talked about moving in and getting engaged. But then the same problems returned. The stakes were higher, but we were still just as dumb. I remember the last fight we had. I went over to his place with some food to make dinner. He was playing games with his friend. He didn't really ignore me. I recall him coming in to the bedroom where I was hanging out and kissing me for a while before going back to his friend. But it wasn't enough. My fury was irrational, unpredictable, and I was ENRAGED that his friend was there in the first place. I stewed for a couple of minutes, then grabbed all my things and stormed off. He didn't follow. He didn't want to talk when I called. I was a mess the whole weekend. I guess I knew it was over. It was May and in June I went home. He drove me to the airport and the last thing he said was "I love you." It was the last time I'd see him for almost 4 years. At first we kept it touch, but it was too hard for me to be apart from him and not together. I went NC. I was afraid he'd meet someone else, which he did. It was completely and utterly devastating. I cried myself to sleep every night, a habit I substituted for drinking when I went back to my college town. I got a new job in a different part of the country the following June. I told myself I wanted to move on. I threw myself into my work, made new friends, dated nice guys, but I'd imagine him at 2AM in the corners of bars, my best friend, the one person who knew me like no one else would find possible. Driving along a new road in the sun, I'd remember something, some memory I had not yet replayed, and it would strike me again, how much I'd loved him. I went to visit my college town 3 years later. He was eager to see me. My last night in town, we were walking home from a bar and he said. "How'd you get pregnant that one time?" I dissolved into tears. "I'm sorry you stayed in that room," I said, something I'd thought a lot about over the years. "That probably wasn't easy." "I was just worried about you," he told me. "I wanted to make sure you wouldn't be hurt. When they put you under, I asked the doctor so many questions, he almost kicked me out of the room." The tears streamed down my face in a way I couldn't control, and I could barely breathe. "I've always regretted that it didn't work out between us. Even now, even though we don't spreak very often, I think of you as someone I would have liked to stay with," he said. "You know that I'll always love you," I said, "I've broken up with every single guy because I don't think I could love anyone's kids as much as I'd have loved ours." We collapsed on the ground, his mouth on mine, and he took off my pants. We pressed our bodies together. I went back to __, praying that I was pregnant. But nothing much happened. I got a promotion, moved to a new apartment, started dating somebody else. A nice guy, a lawyer, cute and funny and affectionate. But love is in the palm of my hand. It's the way my phone vibrates when W texts me. Our conversations these days are mostly just friendly: work, what we did on the weekend, relationship drama. Except when he brings up the past. On Friday, he said, "Are you going to stay in __?" "I don't know," I replied. "I'm itching to move but I need to figure out my next step." "If you move somewhere, I'll move there with you and put a baby in you." "Let's go to Calfiornia then, it's the obvious choice." "As stupid and insane as it sounds, I would actually move there with you." "Heh I would too even though I realize it's pretty fcvked up." "I loved you for a long time and never really stopped. We were young." "And duuuumb." "Of course, with such little experience." What do you think? Am I totally insane for having held out hope for so long, that we'd find ourselves back together? Will we? Edited January 8, 2012 by eerie_reverie
Dust Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I got a little lost reading this. Weren't you just talking about your first in another thread? So he sent you a random txt. You're currently dating another guy who you're not that into. You do want to get back with the old guy you have a history with. Now the old guys like lets both just move to CA and have a family... Yeah it's pretty crazy but kind of romantic if I undertand it properly. Go ahead just do it! haha
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 I got a little lost reading this. Weren't you just talking about your first in another thread? So he sent you a random txt. You're currently dating another guy who you're not that into. You do want to get back with the old guy you have a history with. Now the old guys like lets both just move to CA and have a family... Yeah it's pretty crazy but kind of romantic if I undertand it properly. Go ahead just do it! haha Well, "doing it" would require some serious risk-taking and planning on both ends. We have pretty good lives far apart, we're not even in a relationship, and our communication is at best sporadic. It's on him to make the next move, IMO. He knows I sitll love him and have always been open to getting back together. I would just like to know the chance that he actually does so, I guess.
Dust Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Well, "doing it" would require some serious risk-taking and planning on both ends. We have pretty good lives far apart, we're not even in a relationship, and our communication is at best sporadic. It's on him to make the next move, IMO. He knows I sitll love him and have always been open to getting back together. I would just like to know the chance that he actually does so, I guess. I think you're right there! It is his move at this point and he knows what he knows. I'm all for adventure but I realize the world has rules. Here is what I would do if I were him. I would say "I'm not dating any one please stop seeing the guy who you are now and we'll have a long distance relationship and plan our life." Then I'd say "I need to see you for a weekend or a week would be even better." Then I'd get tickets or plan to drive out for February. Then you should both talk about a place you guys want to live. If you agree on a place it would be best if he got a nice enough job first. Because truth be told most guys get off on suporting a woman and not the other way around. Then he could work on impregnating you every day while you look for a job. You two should also get married. Time will tell. There are a lot of things he can do. But I think you're right the ball is in his court. You also do seem like a totaly different person now. But you seem good at time traveling back in your head and reliving things. Maybe too good, hopefuly you're not rewriting history to be more rosey. Plus its been a long time. Still it seems you feel true feelings coming from him and that you still have them. Well you'll get angry at him if he doesn't do something. So he'll miss his chance if he never acts. Time will tell. Time
Imajerk17 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 (edited) I think you should go back w L. Your utter selfishness in stringing along your current bf and in driving drunk is ****ing disgusting tho. Edited January 8, 2012 by Imajerk17
Art_Critic Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Come on E.... you already know the answer... You can't go back.. your relationship dynamic and attraction were based on things that no longer exist in your lives today.. Stick with moving forward in your life and stop looking in the past for your future... JMO
carhill Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Beware of returning to the same emotional place you were during that period of history.
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 Come on E.... you already know the answer... You can't go back.. your relationship dynamic and attraction were based on things that no longer exist in your lives today.. Stick with moving forward in your life and stop looking in the past for your future... JMO Thanks Art... this is very sensible advice. I wish I was strong enough to make a choice to move on and stick with it, but it's been 5 years, and I'm still waiting for him to come back for me, when he's ready, like I believed he would when we broke up.
johan Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 (edited) Redemption. Everyone wants the chance to try again when they hold themselves at least partially responsible for things going wrong the first time around. It's why exes make such an impact when they come back around. It's probably a good part of the reason why abused women keep returning to their abusers. They hold on to the fantasy that somehow things will go better for them the next time around. I don't completely agree with Art though. I think you were really young the first time around. And you've matured and changed. You aren't the same people now. It would be like dating someone new. From that perspective this guy is as good as anyone. What you should really focus on is the best way to resolve your current relationship. Get in or get out. Edited January 8, 2012 by johan
Imajerk17 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I hope you realize that your actions have consequences that affect other people. Everyone else isn't just a character in your own personal romance novel you know. You could have killed someone that time you drove drunk just before Christmas. Anyway you have been expecting your current bf to say ily when it is clear that you dont love him. I just hope you'll do the right thing and stop stringing him along, get what I'm saying?
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 Redemption. Everyone wants the chance to try again when they hold themselves at least partially responsible for things going wrong the first time around. It's why exes make such an impact when they come back around. It's probably a good part of the reason why abused women keep returning to their abusers. They hold on to the fantasy that somehow things will go better for them the next time around. I don't completely agree with Art though. I think you were really young the first time around. And you've matured and changed. You aren't the same people now. It would be like dating someone new. From that perspective this guy is as good as anyone. What you should really focus on is the best way to resolve your current relationship. Get in or get out. Yah. It's really not fair to the guy I'm dating that I'm having these thoughts he has no clue about. Not to mention still in contact with W. I really hate myself for being so selfish, no one deserves this. I promise I will resolve it soon. I believe that I need to get back with W to move on. I need to have a child by him to redeem what I believe was a mistake. I get the sense the feeling is at least somewhat mutual. Maybe it wouldn't work out, but that's not even what I am after.
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 Everyone else isn't just a character in your own personal romance novel you know. I know. I am sorry.
Imajerk17 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 (edited) Yah. It's really not fair to the guy I'm dating that I'm having these thoughts he has no clue about. Not to mention still in contact with W. I really hate myself for being so selfish, no one deserves this. I promise I will resolve it soon. I believe that I need to get back with W to move on. I need to have a child by him to redeem what I believe was a mistake. I get the sense the feeling is at least somewhat mutual. Maybe it wouldn't work out, but that's not even what I am after. So now you're going to bring a CHILD into this?? Are you serious?? Do you have ANY idea how twisted and selfish that is? Edited January 8, 2012 by Imajerk17
Star Gazer Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I believe that I need to get back with W to move on. I need to have a child by him to redeem what I believe was a mistake. I get the sense the feeling is at least somewhat mutual. Maybe it wouldn't work out, but that's not even what I am after. Wait, WHAT? You're going to use a child to obtain redemption? Wow. I thought you had some semblance of integrity.
Pasttense Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 You fought all the time when you were together before. Why would that be different now?
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I'm very confused. I asked you point blank about a month ago (when you were bothered about not hearing "I Love You) if you were certain you loved your boyfriend. You said, unequivocally, that you did. I also don't know if we are supposed to be taking your "need" to have a child with your ex to somehow make up for the abortion you had literally, or figuratively. Do you tend to make complete 180's in response to whatever external stimulation comes up in your life? Like receiving a text from an ex?
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 You fought all the time when you were together before. Why would that be different now? Our fights were dumb. I initiated all of them and I haven't had a single fight with anyone I've ever dated since.
tangerinetrees Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I agree with what everyone else has said so far. Get out of the relationship you are in now - its unfair to string him along. From there, you need to see if there is even a chance at happiness with your ex. DATE HIM! Don't just go rushing off to some new city to live together....that spells disaster to me. And don't even consider bringing a child into that disaster. You would effectively ruin any chance you could possibly have at a lasting and loving relationship with this man by rushing into making a life together to redeem yourselves for a choice you made together in the past. At the root of it, it sounds like you need to forgive yourself for past choices. They were right for you at the time and you have to find some peace with that before you can ever be good for yourself or anyone else. wish you the best of luck.
Woggle Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Do what you want but please for heaven's sake do not bring a child into this. Honestly you sound like the type who will cause some drama in this if there is none.
dasein Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I loved your OP. It reminds me of the first time I heard Les Claypool chattering out "Tommy the Cat" for some odd reason. IMO you have a work-soul mismatch and that colors your relationships and life potential negatively, leading to angst. No advice for you but good luck seeking better alignment in life.
TheFinalWord Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 It won't work. You've concocted a fantasy in your mind. I hate to see you through away your life. If it was going to happen, it would have happened back then. Please don't bring a child into this. I hope you realize that your actions have consequences that affect other people. Everyone else isn't just a character in your own personal romance novel you know. You could have killed someone that time you drove drunk just before Christmas. Anyway you have been expecting your current bf to say ily when it is clear that you dont love him. I just hope you'll do the right thing and stop stringing him along, get what I'm saying? This is true but very common these days. People treat other people like clothes; try them on and if they don't fit throw them away. It causes a lot of damage to people. These are human beings, not clothes!
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 Do you tend to make complete 180's in response to whatever external stimulation comes up in your life? Like receiving a text from an ex? Kind of. I am pretty nuts. I often believe contradictory things simultaneously.
Author eerie_reverie Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 (edited) It had been a couple of days since I'd seen my bf and we finally hung out last night. I have been working on a paper and he was being his usual sweet affectionate self, offering to cook me dinner and make me coffee, saying he'd leave so as not to distract me, whatever I wanted. I couldn't handle the guilt and decided to just spill all the beans. I turned off the lights, got him to get into bed, and crawled on top of him. When he asked me if I still loved W, I said he was someone I was going to love forever. He said he had to leave. "If you love him, there is no room for you to love me, and that's not acceptable." That was the point where I started to think, "WTF is wrong with you." Luckily, I had taken an opportunity earlier on in the night to hide his shoes, and it was snowing outside. I had him hostage. I told him I loved him and wanted to be with him. I told him I wanted to move on. He said he'd dated emotionally unavailable girls in the past and it's the worst. I begged him to give me a chance to try to be more present. In the end his conditions for staying with me were: 1. I continue to be good to him 2. I stop talking to W 3. I get therapy and I don't half ass it I don't even know if this guy is the one, but I do know when I feel most clear of mind that I want to keep moving forward. I don't actually want to get back together with W. He would suck as a bf, a father. He would not fight for me and he cheated on his 18 yo gf. The therapy suggestion has been advised to me by everyone I have ever talked to about him and I'm gonna give it a try. Edited January 8, 2012 by eerie_reverie
Art_Critic Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 To borrow another posters phrase.... Atta Girl....
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Frankly, I think you need a lot more self discipline and accountability for yourself on an emotional level. Why do you have a boyfriend now, if you desire the freedom to run with all your emotional whims? It's possible to believe in 2 different things that appear to be opposites simultaneously without allowing yourself free reign to follow whatever belief seems most tempting from one moment to the next, and it's a good thing to master if you intend to have other people close to you in life, and for them to be able to trust you. Including any children you might have someday. I used to behave kind of like you describe yourself, when I was young. I have no idea how I'd have reacted if someone tried to call me on it. For all I know, someone may have called me on it and I just was not even able to hear it. I was pretty wrapped up in the intensive drama of being me.
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