misssmartypants Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Just because Kaylan asked and his thread has been taken over by woman haters. Last Tuesday the man I loved texted me and told me he wants to get married and have a life, but can't see it happening with me. He had the tremendous courtesy to do this while I was at work. I am a teacher and I have three kids, so its not exactly like I can take a few days to wallow and mourn. So I've been doing a lot of stuffing of emotions and butting on a brave face. Today things have kinda come bubbling up. See, he was on my cell phone plan. (I know, super stupid, but I thought this was something that was going to last). To get him off my plan, but let him keep his number, I had to meet him at the phone store. So I drive all the way there and get to the store and there he is. He's still able to look at me and just see through everything. I still think he's one of the most beautiful men on the planet. I can hardly stand to look at him. And he's trying to make small talk. "How are the kids?" (Well, I had to tell them that you don't want to be my friend anymore, so they would quit asking me when they will see your kid again and they spent an evening crying) "Fine" is what I say. "At their dad's?" He askes (you know where they are, our visitation schedules are the same, if you don't have your child, I don't have mine) "yup, he came and got them this morning." And then the papers are signed and it didn't take nearly as long as the ride over and I can't wait to get out of there. "That was way more painless than I thought it would be." He says as we leave. (You call this painless?) "Oh yeah, definitely worth the hour drive" "Tell me what I owe you for the rest of the bill." (You weren't worried about it before you broke my heart. I don't want anything else from you, especially if it means having to stand next to you again. Please, stop talking and just let me leave) "Call it $80, you didn't pay me for either of the last two billing cycles." "What about the phone" (What about it? I need to leave, I keep remembering that time we did it on your new couch and I can't stand having to be this close to you so please stop talking so I can leave) "I guess you still owe me $40 on that too" "Ok, well let me know the exact amount" He's stand by his car and I'm backing away towards my van. (I thought $80 plus $40 was $120, but whatever, I know your broke. I knew it the whole time and loved you anyway) "Yeah, ok, I'll let you know." And then I was in my car and driving home and I just can't stop hurting and all these things I want to say to him are just behind my lips. Things like "Your life is better because you knew me, its because of me you finished school and decided to not be just a high school drop out" Things like "You're a hypocrite, you dropped out of school, did drugs, and were a self admitted man whore, but my past makes me not good enough to build a life with" Things like "Please, please take it back." But I didn't say anything. It will change nothing. He doesn't want me. I can't make him want me. I wish I could make it not hurt anymore. My friend is dragging me to the club tonight. I think there are plans afoot to get me very very drunk. At this point I don't know if that's a good idea or not. My heart hurts and I feel like there's a hole in it. He's out there, living his life, not wanting me, and he knows my secrets, what makes it so I can't sleep, what scares me, what I hope and what I dread. I showed him all those things, and then he decided he didn't want any part of it.
HughHardcastle Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 I would say, just go out tonight and try to put him out of your mind and enjoy yourself. Lean on your best friends at times like these, they will help you through it. And never stop looking for the guy who WILL want to spend his life with you, he's out there somewhere.
carhill Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 My sympathies On the positive side, it's better to exit a dynamic with a relationship thinker now rather than after one is married to such a person. Bullet dodged. Dumping you by text was low. If he got hit by a speeding van after that, I'd say he got off pretty easy
TaraMaiden Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 misssmartypants - good name. And no irony. Damn, you write really well. Your post is pithy, has feeling, is well-written, intelligent, and puts things over in depth, but without treacly-sick sentiment. You're in pain. A lot of pain. you can feel it on, in , between and through every line. It's palpable, profound and you put everything across, no-holds-barred, and very simply. Simple can be profound. Write a journal. Write every single moment of the feelings you have, and keep it in a book. but pay attention to grammar, composition, and content. write like you are intending to publish. Why? What for? Who for? Because it's extremely cathartic. Because keeping a record of how you evolve, develop, grow and come through this with pride and dignity will make you glad you kept a record of how great you actually are. For whoever finds themselves in a similar situation, but has no idea how to put it into words. You could be their voice. You could be their "Yessss! That's exactly how I feel!" And focusing on something you're obviously very good at, will eventually put this into the correct perspective. The perspective that actually states the truth. The perspective that you are too good for him, and whatever he does, will be settling for second best.
TheFinalWord Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 That guy's a scumbag. I feel sorry for you. I thought my situation sucked until I read that! I guess someone else always has it worse...still doesn't help much. The fact you were able to refrain yourself shows a lot of strength. You are more "a man" than he is! I agree, lean on support from your friends.
chelsea2011 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Wow, I agree with thefinalword! That guy is a scumbag! So sorry your hurting right now. Keep your chin up and surround yourself with family and friends. It's his loss not yours. The good news is that dodged a major bullet! Can you imagine if he did this if you married him? Go out, get drunk and have a smashing good time with your friends.
Tybalt Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 MSP... I think anyone who has been through that emotional ride can relate. I'm sorry. It is a terrible blow to open yourself up to someone and have them reject you, then act in a nonchalant manner. I have been there. I think there is some value to faking it until you make it, as well as giving yourself some allotted time to grieve, get angry, whatever. I've read forums where advice is given on how to behave nonchalantly toward the ex, and sometimes even attract them back that way, but at this point in my life I figure if it takes that much effort to try to get someone to want to be with me, it's probably not worth it. Life offers enough challenges of its own without trying to convince someone to love you. As an aside, your writing style is very descriptive. I think you're good at it. If you had an ongoing blog I'd read it. Perhaps that can be some medium of expression/catharsis for you?
Author misssmartypants Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 Thanks, I keep two blogs. One is fiction I've attempted and the other is more of a personal journal. I'd post the links, but I think there a forum rules against it and I don't want to get banned. I guess I can PM them to you if you want. I have no idea if they'd be all that interesting.
phineas Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 since you know his number, block it. Don't let him back in.
Author misssmartypants Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 I don't intend to become involved with him again. That's one reason I had to get out of there. Its so hard to stand there so near him and not touch him. And if he touched me, I don't know if I'd be strong enough to resist him. I can't even bring myself to think mean, hateful things about him. I think I'm supposed to hate him, but I still think he's a good man. All evidence as to how he's made me feel aside . . .
TheFinalWord Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I don't intend to become involved with him again. That's one reason I had to get out of there. Its so hard to stand there so near him and not touch him. And if he touched me, I don't know if I'd be strong enough to resist him. I can't even bring myself to think mean, hateful things about him. I think I'm supposed to hate him, but I still think he's a good man. All evidence as to how he's made me feel aside . . . Yeah, I've had that happen...though not nearly as involved as you were with him. But I've had a girl play me and lie to me and I continued to think the best of her when really she didn't deserve those thoughts. When you love someone you see them through rose-colored glasses. The glasses have come off now but it's going to take awhile for your heart to catch up with your mind.
Tybalt Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Yes, please do. I find writing a really great way to process through these kinds of awful situations. Reading the experience of others helps remind me of the commonality of the struggle and the universality of human emotions. I believe when you've been dumped, it is helpful to be reminded you are not alone in your experience, and that it doesn't devalue you as a human being at all. When it happens to me, I try to focus on feeling thankful that I have a heart, that I care about people, and that no one else has the power to shut that down in me. It hurts so much, but to come through it without bitterness or being changed into a cynical person feels like a victory for me. If within a partnership one person doesn't want to be together anymore, than it isn't right, and I try to remember that means it isn't right for me, either. He isn't right for YOU. There is someone out there who is, and I think all we can do is work on ourselves, stay true to our dreams, goals, and intentions, and the right person is more likely to appear. So keep writing away and letting it out. It is best to face it head on and work through the emotional process as you are doing.
Dust Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I think its good to spend time with your friends tonight. I'd take it easy on the drinking though. I mean the right ammount can be good to calm the nerves. But if will only increase any sorrow you're feeling.
Author misssmartypants Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 misssmartypants - good name. And no irony. Damn, you write really well. Your post is pithy, has feeling, is well-written, intelligent, and puts things over in depth, but without treacly-sick sentiment. You're in pain. A lot of pain. you can feel it on, in , between and through every line. It's palpable, profound and you put everything across, no-holds-barred, and very simply. Simple can be profound. Write a journal. Write every single moment of the feelings you have, and keep it in a book. but pay attention to grammar, composition, and content. write like you are intending to publish. Why? What for? Who for? Because it's extremely cathartic. Because keeping a record of how you evolve, develop, grow and come through this with pride and dignity will make you glad you kept a record of how great you actually are. For whoever finds themselves in a similar situation, but has no idea how to put it into words. You could be their voice. You could be their "Yessss! That's exactly how I feel!" And focusing on something you're obviously very good at, will eventually put this into the correct perspective. The perspective that actually states the truth. The perspective that you are too good for him, and whatever he does, will be settling for second best. Thanks. For some reason I didn't see your reply. I do write and will gladly share the links if you want, via PM. I learned the hard way that posting links on the threads is a no no.
spiderowl Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 I'm so sorry. Best advise is to cut off contact with him. Let him miss you. He isn't thinking at all how this feels to you, perhaps not able to. Let him miss you. Meanwhile, cry as much as you need to (I know it's difficult as you end up waiting till the kids are in bed), talk to friends, family, write to forums. Remind yourself that if he was the one for you, he wouldn't hurt you like this. If you need anyone to chat to, PM me. xx
Author misssmartypants Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 (edited) I removed him from my friends list on facebook this morning. Seeing his posts, which are always silly and fun, is like a knife reopening a wound I keep thinking I have learned how to live with. But the act of removing him hurts too. Big time hurt. It's good though, I think. To not be able to peek at his pictures and be reminded so clearly of what I thought I had, but didn't and of what I want, but don't get. The real funny thing is that my friend is already trying to set me up with a guy she knows. I've talked to him a little, and he seems nice enough. Somehow I feel like meeting him now isn't fair to him. Maybe I just can't imagine letting anyone that close to me again. Edited January 8, 2012 by misssmartypants typos
chryssy83 Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 So sorry you are going through this. Lots of us here know how it sucks. I think you have gotten some good responses here. Just stay busy, don't do anything way out of character (if drinking/sleeping around/dating randomly is out of character, for example...). Time helps, and already I can tell by the way you are responding to this experience you're going to be just fine in the end. LS is a great place to pass the time while you sort through your feelings!
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